AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

[Allsweep]

This week:

My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old

Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all.

We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto.

My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway.

I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

My parents are, in fact, very kind and will have the kids (14 and 9 now so not babies) for a week in the holidays sometimes. So I’m very lucky. But what they’re not is local - no expectation that they will move to become so but it’s a different kettle of fish when they’re round the corner

I have no family support and no father support. On my own with 4 dc. My dc got their summer holidays the end of June (N.I) and not even an hour have I had free to myself since then. I feel suffocated and so unbelievably sad. Makes my heart ache to see other families supporting each other ,helping out,getting breaks, babysitting I have none of that , I have a friend who has every weekend free has a huge amount of support and she was ranting to me about how her mother was a selfish cow because she wasn't available there and then when she wanted to go shopping and drop the kids off with her, she wasn't refusing to do it ,just that it would have to be at a different time than she wanted as she was busy. I just shake my head and think you have absolutely no idea what it's like to have noone and are so bloody ungrateful!

Totally get where you’re coming from. All the endless pictures I see of others children being looked after my family members whilst the parents are on holiday or out for dinner etc. We have no support network. I can’t remember the last time me and dh went out together as we have to go out separately so the other can look after the kids. My family all live in another part of the country so we don’t get to see them that often, and whilst they like seeing the children, they wouldn’t ever offer to have them for us to go out. My Dh has no parents and other family is limited so basically we have to be a good tag team. For the most part it’s fine, but just once in a while it would be nice to have some fun together.

Do none of you have friends?! I used to regularly travel 200 miles to look after friends' kids for a weekend, so that their parents could go away. Or do some babysitting on a shared holiday - I'd babysit so that parents could go out to dinner. There is more to life than just relying on grandparents, who may not have the energy for childcare.

Oh my god thanks for the advice I definitely hadn’t thought any of those thoughts before.

I get it totally. My parents have both passed away and my ILs point blank refuse. Not even when I was in a&e seriously ill. We are however expected to host birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. not once have I ever been invited over at Christmas. And I’m talking 20 years. It still bugs me but not as much as it used to. I’m sorry that you are unsupported OP. We had a holiday incident very similar to yours. Never ever again.

I completely understand OP, we’re lucky to get out once a year! Me and hubby are currently struggling juggling work with it being summer hols, family are not a great help (my mum tries her best tbf, often reliable for work anyway) in laws always prioritise my SILs children, they don’t really see ours tbh & asking them to attend birthday parties can even be a stretch!

your not alone, it does grind on me, luckily come September there’s more spaces available for our youngest to start childcare and our other son will be going into full time school so we’re hoping it will help!

I just think of it as it’s there loss!🤷‍♀️

At least you have your parents to go on holiday with and be a part of your kids lives - my parents are dead. No support or babysitters here but also no grandparents for my children to know so i feel jealous of your situation.

Errrrr the difference is your son is 15 and doesn't need babysat now so you can have free time whenever you want

We don’t have any support for our parents either but it’s been like that since day 1 so we are used to it. Both our dads are dead, my mum is ill and finds being around children too much and my MIL lives far away and lives her own life. My Mum didn’t even want to look after my daughter while I was giving birth to my son. MIL did it reluctantly in the end but for a while I thought my daughter might have to come to hospital with us!

It means that we manage everything really well ourselves but I would love to have someone else want to spend time with and look after our kids occasionally.

Its not the same when you have to pay a babysitter or ask for a favour from a friend. We feel like we are putting people out of we ask.

I don't know. Whenever I hear parents complain about lack of support (an increasingly frequent lament) I wonder how much "support" they provide/provided to others.

It's a two-way street. Expecting special services because one has children is pretty entitled. Do the parents expecting support ever do anything to help other people? Even if it's not convenient or enjoyable?

Again with the nasty comment. You are the one being unreasonable with your posts. Pipe down.

This comes across as quite judgmental on those who do want time away from their children. I have been in the same situation as you in terms of being a single parent with no support from the father for 15 years. My daughter (also now 15)and I are very close and have a great relationship. I actually think that is down to that fact that I had support from my mum and sister, so I was able to have a break and have time away from being a mum. My daughter chooses to spend time with me now, and we have lots of quality time, and I feel like this will continue as she gets older, but I think it’s just as important for her to have time with her friends etc, as it is for me to have adult time.

To OP, YANBU! I think most parents feel the same, particularly in terms of having a child free night and morning after to enjoy some sleep, and a lie in etc. It’s not something everyone is fortunate enough to have, and whilst my mum did help me a lot it wasn’t offered and felt a bit begrudged which I struggled with as I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to spend quality time with her grandchild, but had to accept my mum just wasn’t that way inclined. Do you not have other options such as friends that may be willing to have the children over for a sleepover etc? It’s not something I’ve really done with my daughter, but being in the situation where I didn’t always have lots of help, I would always try to help others so they can have adult time.

It always seems a shame when grandparents have no interest in their grandchildren. Everyone misses out.

Obv they don’t have to do anything but seems odd to have so little interest. Babysitting isn’t exactly hard.

BTW, doesn’t anyone get friends or godparents to babysit?

I remember babysitting circles being a thing in the 70s and 80s. Do they still exist anywhere?

You are not being unreasonable. We had very little support- grandparents would appear at birthdays and Christmas. My sister in law got loads of support, but she lives much closer to her parents. It has meant they’ve had childcare services on tap. We only had one child, so we shared the load between us and an excellent childminder.

Posts on social media are often staged and nothing like reality. Happy birthday for tomorrow 💐

My DM used to offer to babysit when my DC were very little because she thought it would be nice for me and DH to have a date night occassionally. But she died when they were 1 and 4, so the idea never really took off.

My children are the youngest of IL grandkids and they told me "the novelty has worn off" (Although they do seem to have a soft spot for DS who is the youngest of all of them)

I went on a family camping holiday when DD was 2. Everyone went off to the bar and I was left in the tent on my own. Same thing happened in a hotel on another holiday, I ended up reading my book on the hotel balcony every night.

I'll admit I do feel envious (but it's due to age/geography that they live nearer) that SIL had both sets of GPs available for babysitting/ferrying older kids around until all her DC were were uni age or older. My youngest has lost 3 of 4 GPS by the time he was 11, and the remaining one is elderly and doesn't live nearby. My sis works ft and shifts so she couldn't really babysit.
DH and I have planned our first night away in about 12 years later this year, now that our DC are teens

Yes that’s tough. Parenting is relentless and a break every now and then would be most welcome. It must be so disheartening when everyone else seems to have help and you don’t. Can you not ask your parents point blank to babysit or even have them overnight occasionally

Drop the rope.
Stop the holidays and happy families, you are doing everything on their teens still. You are providing effortless family time without them even lifting a finger. It’s exploitation. You are being manipulated to meet their every him. What do they do in return? Nothing!

Put your family time into finding a trusted baby sitter or nanny that will eventually cover nights and weekends.

You are flogging a dead horse.

They won’t ever step up. Make your plan B, look after your family independently. Drop the expectations. It’s immensely disappointing but you don’t need relationships that are so one sided.

*terms
*whim

@Fizbosshoes Couldn't you hire a babysitter? Twelve years seems a long time to go without an outing.

I totally get it. Myself and my DH are an awesome team and we always ensure each other gets a break but it would be so nice to do more together and for grandparents to want to spend time with them. Ours will sometimes agree if asked but they are never forthcoming. They seem to want to pop and see the grandchildren but only whilst we're there and don't seem to want to help out in any way. I also have friends who have lots of support and it makes me a bit sad sometimes but I'm proud of DH and I and the life we provide for our DC between us. Ultimately we can't make grandparents want to spend time with our DC so we try and make peace with it. It is sad though.

Two things - what age are they and secondly you stated “they found them hard work”, why? Maybe that’s the issue, I would be looking at why they found my children hard work.
I am a grandma, btw, who does do some childcare and they’re easy, but if I found it hard maybe I would be saying something. Maybe what you see as normal 6 & 4 yr old behaviour is not what they think is normal.

No, everyone is too tired. Rarely mothers worked ft in the 70s.