Page 6 | AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

Allsweep · 2023-08-09T14:01:09+00:00

This week: My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all. We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto. My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway. I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

Yesabsolutely · 10/08/2023 23:58

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 23:43

Oh, really? Seriously?

The whole point in holidaying with them is their companionship. Not being able to press them into service as free childminders.

Jesus Christ. The entitlement of parents today is off the charts.

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Am going on holiday with my daughter,her partner and grandchild.Shall definitely offer to babysit a couple of evenings…my daughter does not behave as if she is entitled or have any expectations !

MsRosley · 11/08/2023 00:06

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 23:43

Oh, really? Seriously?

The whole point in holidaying with them is their companionship. Not being able to press them into service as free childminders.

Jesus Christ. The entitlement of parents today is off the charts.

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Lol, just what I was thinking too, @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune - it's very telling that some still see their parents as providers of support services rather than actual people in their own right that they might want to hang out with.

Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:06

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 23:43

Oh, really? Seriously?

The whole point in holidaying with them is their companionship. Not being able to press them into service as free childminders.

Jesus Christ. The entitlement of parents today is off the charts.

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Yes really!

They'd want to be riveting companions! The son/daughter in law hardly wants to spend every hour of the day and evening with their PIL for a two week holiday.

Companionship implies friendship. Any friends who holiday together, would at least offer, to look after young children who can't be left on their own, for one or two evenings so they could go out alone? Before I had children myself, I always offered to look after my friend's child for an evening so she and her husband could go out/run errands etc.

Anyone I know who holidays with their parents do so because it means they can get a few evenings out alone!

MsRosley · 11/08/2023 00:08

Anyone I know who holidays with their parents do so because it means they can get a few evenings out alone!

While my mum was alive we used to holiday with her a lot, and she never babysat. Not once. We did it because we liked the same things and enjoyed each other's company, and so did my DH. Not everyone sees relationships as purely transactional.

Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:10

ETA The other reason people (I know) holiday with their parents is because the parents own a holiday home so a number of people visit at the same time so its nice to spend time together and for the children to have their cousins to play with (while enjoying free accommodation!).

Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:14

MsRosley · 11/08/2023 00:08

Anyone I know who holidays with their parents do so because it means they can get a few evenings out alone!

While my mum was alive we used to holiday with her a lot, and she never babysat. Not once. We did it because we liked the same things and enjoyed each other's company, and so did my DH. Not everyone sees relationships as purely transactional.

If you mum was alone, holidaying with you meant she had someone to go on holiday with - that is also transactional?

I grew up with one parent. Anything I did for that that parent, I did because it meant they didn't have to do it alone or they might not have done it at all. That was also transactional in a way because I wouldn't necessarily have done the same things if there had been two parents. In my case, the transaction was to alleviate any sadness my parent might have had and my guilt if I hadn't done it/included them.

MsRosley · 11/08/2023 00:19

None of that makes any sense, @Wakintoblueskies

FunnysInLaJardin · 11/08/2023 00:20

We have never had family support as we live 800 miles away from our nearest family.

What that does mean is that the 4 of us are as thick as thieves even as the boys are 13 and 17.

We do lots together and really enjoy each others company.

there are pay backs!

Devonnum12345 · 11/08/2023 00:31

wingingit1987 · 10/08/2023 23:10

She has never explained it. When I was pregnant with my eldest she did seem keen but got very offended when I pointed out I would be breastfeeding- she literally begged me not to purely to make it easier for her to take my son out and about. When he was about a week old she fell out with me because I wouldn’t let her take him to the airport to welcome my sister back from a backpacking trip. At this point he was tiny, I was still establishing my milk supply and had pretty much been sitting in my pyjamas doing nothing but feeding for the last week. She couldn’t see the issue at all and didn’t understand I couldn’t just express and send him off out for the day. I do think that maybe put her in to the frame of mind where she just thought “well bugger it- I’ll never babysit at all then”.

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Completely unreasonable to expect you to just hand over a one week old baby like that. Xx

MrWoodhousecanfeeladraught · 11/08/2023 00:57

Wakintoblueskies · 10/08/2023 23:23

We don't have any help from grandparents.

I'm really curious as to why you holiday with them? I thought the whole point of holidaying with grandparents was so they could mind the children on an occasional evening?

This seems such an unpleasant comment to make. How sad that anyone could think that babysitting is the only reason to go away grandparents.

Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 01:05

MrWoodhousecanfeeladraught · 11/08/2023 00:57

This seems such an unpleasant comment to make. How sad that anyone could think that babysitting is the only reason to go away grandparents.

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The only people I know who go away with grandparents -

Grandparents pay.
Grandparents own holiday home.
Grandparents babysit occasionally.

It isn’t an ‘unpleasant’ comment as I do not/have not and will never get to holiday with grandparents.. It is what I have been told by numerous people who do!
That is the reality of how many people view it.

HoppingPavlova · 11/08/2023 01:09

I always find these posts weird where someone comes in and bemoans that everyone they know has on tap family support. How do people grow up, go on to higher education, and then get appropriate jobs all around the corner from their parents where they grew up🤯. I don’t know anyone who lived anywhere near their parents, except one friend who was 2hrs away from her mum (and 12hrs straight drive from her dad). To me it’s such a strange concept.

We were 5hrs straight drive each way to in-laws and saw them a few times a year, did it as a day trip leaving really early and getting back late and sharing the drive. We used to fly my mum in once a year but would have never expected her to babysit while we went out, how rude, she had come to spend time with me, DH and children, not to be a babysitting skivvy.

It’s hard but you just push on and do what you need to do, with no respite. It’s doable. Doesn’t last forever, you get a bit of your life back when they become teens.

Allyliz · 11/08/2023 01:11

Maybe they don't want to babysit.. its not their responsibility...if they do be grateful, if they don't just accept it and organise someone else to do it. They're your kids,not theirs..so your responsibility

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 11/08/2023 01:16

Well, I hope they don’t expect you to look after them when they’re old and decrepit.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 01:20

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 11/08/2023 01:16

Well, I hope they don’t expect you to look after them when they’re old and decrepit.

Really? They did already put in 15-20 years raising her and providing for her!!!

Is that not enough?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 01:22

Wakintoblueskies · 11/08/2023 00:10

ETA The other reason people (I know) holiday with their parents is because the parents own a holiday home so a number of people visit at the same time so its nice to spend time together and for the children to have their cousins to play with (while enjoying free accommodation!).

What nasty experiences you seem to have had.

HoppingPavlova · 11/08/2023 04:13

Really? They did already put in 15-20 years raising her and providing for her!!! Is that not enough

I agree. It’s always odd when people use this line. It reeks of entitlement that parents are expected to look after your kids!

As I said above, my mum visited yearly and generally, at the point health still permitted, we also took her on our family vacation we had every 3 years. We’d fly her in to the holiday to meet us. Again, no way in hell we expected babysitting. If anything, if say 10 days away, mum and I would go out by ourselves 2 nights and DH would stay with the kids. DH and I saw each other regularly at home so why would we go rather than myself/mum? DH never had a problem, was seen as normal. DH and I never went out together at home as one of us always had to be home with kids, and the other generally working opposite shifts/days to make it work, but we crossed over enough to make kids obviously😝. We go out together all the time now (ours are adults)! Again, once kids start into their teens you can start going out together then, and before you know it the sky’s the limit, you can even holiday by yourselves.

Never in a million years would I thought of not ensuring my mum was looked after in old age. She did the hard yards with me/siblings. That’s enough. No more is required. On that basis alone it was a privilege to do what we could for her in old age.

Jiminycrickets · 11/08/2023 05:21

Not unreasonable at all. We don’t have any help at all, and I’m extremely jealous. A little girl at my daughter’s dance class was there with her great aunts. They were taking her out for the day for her birthday, to all these lovely activities. My father in law didn’t even wish his own granddaughter a happy birthday this week. Not even a text.

I comfort myself that a lot of people who have the help also have stress and strings that go with it. My friend has her mother so daycare 3 days a week. It sounds like a fantasy. But at the same time she bites her tongue and puts up with a lot, so as not to rock the boat and have the help withdrawn.

As someone else said: my husband and I are a tight unit and we get to do things the way we see fit. If I’m not happy with how someone is taking care of my child I can change nurseries!

Not unreasonable at all, and it hurts to have disinterested grandparents.

Original poster

Allsweep · 11/08/2023 06:23

HoppingPavlova · 11/08/2023 01:09

I always find these posts weird where someone comes in and bemoans that everyone they know has on tap family support. How do people grow up, go on to higher education, and then get appropriate jobs all around the corner from their parents where they grew up🤯. I don’t know anyone who lived anywhere near their parents, except one friend who was 2hrs away from her mum (and 12hrs straight drive from her dad). To me it’s such a strange concept.

We were 5hrs straight drive each way to in-laws and saw them a few times a year, did it as a day trip leaving really early and getting back late and sharing the drive. We used to fly my mum in once a year but would have never expected her to babysit while we went out, how rude, she had come to spend time with me, DH and children, not to be a babysitting skivvy.

It’s hard but you just push on and do what you need to do, with no respite. It’s doable. Doesn’t last forever, you get a bit of your life back when they become teens.

Oh no one I know has parents who live very nearby - but they still have family support.

E.g. for weekends away, babysitting overnight for weddings etc. Or for moving house.

When we moved house, every single removals company recommended that we drop our kids off with the grandparents on removals day. My parents offered to help but it became clear they wanted to look after the kids in the house with all the boxes and furniture moving around "in case they needed us to help with the kids", which translated to an offer for us to have guests while we moved house...

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WandaWonder · 11/08/2023 06:31

Why is it assumed because people want to have children other people will look after them for you? I hear lots of mention of wanting family support but how many people wanting this actually look after their relatives children themselves? whether now you have children of your own or before you had children?

Grandparents have raised their own children sure it is nice if they are involved in their grandchildren's lives but why is it expected?

and these days don't people get an achievement certificate for 'well I have had my child glued to me since birth and have not been out of my site for more than 10 seconds if they did the world would end'

PerspiringElizabeth · 11/08/2023 06:38

HoppingPavlova · 11/08/2023 01:09

I always find these posts weird where someone comes in and bemoans that everyone they know has on tap family support. How do people grow up, go on to higher education, and then get appropriate jobs all around the corner from their parents where they grew up🤯. I don’t know anyone who lived anywhere near their parents, except one friend who was 2hrs away from her mum (and 12hrs straight drive from her dad). To me it’s such a strange concept.

We were 5hrs straight drive each way to in-laws and saw them a few times a year, did it as a day trip leaving really early and getting back late and sharing the drive. We used to fly my mum in once a year but would have never expected her to babysit while we went out, how rude, she had come to spend time with me, DH and children, not to be a babysitting skivvy.

It’s hard but you just push on and do what you need to do, with no respite. It’s doable. Doesn’t last forever, you get a bit of your life back when they become teens.

About half the parents I know live locally to their parents - they grew up around here, either went to uni or just started work, then settled back here. We’re less than an hour from London so great for all those jobs.
The other half have parents who live hours/days away - again because we’re near London so it’s quite international I guess. And so yeah, it works out that most of these they have an in law close by as they married someone from the other half 😄
Makes me hopeful my kids will settle around here when they’re grown up 😃

smilesup · 11/08/2023 06:38

We had this when the kids were little. Annoyingly PIL happily looked after their other grandkids 🙄. We resolved it by finding friends to have the kids for us for the day and night and would repay the favour. Did this with several friends over the years. Or send them off for separate sleepovers. Doesn't have to be grandparents.

Original poster

Allsweep · 11/08/2023 07:02

smilesup · 11/08/2023 06:38

We had this when the kids were little. Annoyingly PIL happily looked after their other grandkids 🙄. We resolved it by finding friends to have the kids for us for the day and night and would repay the favour. Did this with several friends over the years. Or send them off for separate sleepovers. Doesn't have to be grandparents.

I agree that this is the answer but it's hard to find the right fit friends wise. Pretty much everyone we know has grandparents who will do overnights a few times a year. Most have the grandparents do a week in the summer. So they aren't interested in swaps with other parents.

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X6hfyib4ms · 11/08/2023 07:20

Agree with PP, make this the last holiday with parents. I've done holidays with my parents but there's a quid pro quo - I do the organising if it and driving in a foreign country whicb is too much for them now, they help with the kids including babysitting.

In your case there is no point.

If they ask why just say they don't seem to really enjoy being with the kids and maybe drop in a couple of examples of friends parents who are better grandparents. Maybe they'll get the hint.

Fizbosshoes · 11/08/2023 07:36

We've had some lovely holidays with gps. When DC were little we went away with IL several times. They helped a lot with DC, mainly alongside us, being an extra pair of hands at bathtime, or preparing a meal while we were sorting kids out, but not babysitting as such.

I did a couple of holidays without DH when he couldn't take time of work and took my dad. It was just as much for dads benefit as mine as he wasn't able to drive and had some symptoms similar to dementia, so in many ways like having an extra child. I knew his time was limited and we have some great memories from those holidays.

MIL and both my parents have died. As much as childcare opportunities, I'm sad that DC won't be able to share their acheivements with them or they won't be there at special moments like school plays, sports matches, prom gcses etc. That's when I feel most envious I think.