AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

[Allsweep]

This week:

My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old

Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all.

We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto.

My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway.

I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

Think this could be a thread all of its own. A lot to unpack here. I'm so sorry for you. I hope you managed to find some joy on your big birthday anyway. Sending hugs.

We don't have any support either and haven't been out or away without the kids. The only time we get child free is if the husband takes a day off whilst the kids are at school and we go for a quick meal...

Yanbu x

It's one of the reasons we left the UK as we weren't from there and I started to get jealous of my friends who had support.

I've told my dh I'll move to wherever my DC are once they have DC. I'm now back near my family and appreciate it so much all the time.

I'm lucky though that all my family (my dp, cousins, and aunts) will help out anytime.

I do wonder if the Venn Diagram of parents who are desperate for family to babysit now their kids are older and are upset they don't have a 'village' and the parents who lock their family out when they have a baby so they can 'bond' and expect their family to come and clean for them is just in fact a solid circle.

It works both ways.

This may be true for some people. It's not true for us.

We even had my mother in law to stay when we had a newborn (because she lives overseas) - unheard of for Mumsnet!

and expect their family to come and clean for them

In what parallel universe do people ask family to clean their house during their visit?

I think in some cultures everybody helps out. Its really hard when you have nobody. Families can be crap at times. Mine older now thank god so I dont need it.

Go on holiday with friends not family if it doesn't work for you.

We go with friends - kids play with each other so it's easier, can be bathed together when young, only one of four parents cooks kids tea, can each take turns to babysit one night while each couple goes out etc. honestly the reciprocity works well - worked when they were little, works now they are teens. and I say that as someone who has wonderful grandparents to holiday with on each side but a child with ADHD so incredibly active (exhausting) on holiday.

I also babysat for friends who didn't have grandparent in the country, so they cd have nights out / weekends away.

Do you have friends you can ask to help out? Then you can return the favour

Totally empathise OP. Both grandparents are in their mid 70s so they can manage DD but not my 3 year old DS. Everyone around us has lots of help and things like weekends away and weddings are no issue. We were the only ones who had to come home from a wedding recently as we had to use a babysitter. It does make you feel pretty crap and a bit trapped, even though I absolutely love my DC of course. It's not just date nights or things like that, it's things like having the time to clear out the garage or just having GPs who could take the kids out for a few hours on a Saturday. The full responsibility is on us 24/7 and that can feel pretty intense at times. Please don't come at me saying they're your kids they're your responsibility etc, I'm fully aware of that but everyone i know has very involved family that do give them a break, it's very hard when it's fully on you all of the time and I do feel jealous, even though I try not to. I really hope when my children have kids that I am in good health so I can help them as I know how much I have missed it myself. Also another reason we won't be having any more children as I have found it difficult having older parents and don't want this for my children. Not a popular opinion on here (unless you are in a similar position.) both GPs love the kids of course and would help more if they could, I know that, but it is hard and I do feel resentful of other people, being completely honest.

@cableguy i can completely agree with this! My parents are in their mid 60s and were only late 50s when I had my eldest (and were retired) but not help was forthcoming.

What you said re clearing the garage etc rings very true. Just doing general ‘jobs’ is very difficult for us, as we have no one to keep little people safely away.

Like others have said, all of my friends have lots of family support, so have no interest in swaps (and actually, have absolutely zero idea that anyone would even need it, it’s absolutely not on their radar at all!£

@Pooheadbumbum I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say they have absolutely no idea. On MN, everyone will tell you they're your kids and tell you they have their kids 24/7 and what did you think you were signing up for etc but in RL, I don't know anyone who is in the same position and I think it is good to acknowledge that it is difficult. Would I still have kids if I'd known we'd have such little support? Absolutely. Is it really hard and does it sometimes get me down? Absolutely.

I totally agree on the getting stuff done front. We are lucky to be able to but we end up outsourcing a lot - e.g. when we moved house with a 3 year old and a baby, we paid someone to do flat pack assembly for us because it just wasn't safe or practical for us to do it with the kids around.

My BIl and SIL take the piss out of us (jokingly but also semi seriously) but the way they get stuff like this done is that SIL's parents rock up, her dad helps with the DIY and her mum helps with the kids. They just don't get that we don't have that.

Dh has grandchildren but we don't do childcare...we are mid 60s and still work.There are 2 other grandmothers who do childcare for them, mainly because they have nothing else in their lives.
We have the eldest in the school holidays for a day, and they come to see us as a family regularly (about every 6 weeks) for lunch. Dh has helped them financially to get on the housing ladder which the other grandparents haven't.

I often say I’m wishing the children’s lives away because I’m actually just desperate for a few hours break.

I agree, in real life I know no one and the same position. I know lots of people who think they are and then tell me that they had a nap or got the shopping or whatever, as their aunt or in-laws had the children. Nope… not the same.

Not in exactly the same boat as my inlaws are amazing. However they live in France so only help us out during the summer holidays. However, I feel the same and absolute resentment towards my mum (parents divorced). She has had my kids on occasion but can definitely count on both hands the amount of times since my boys were born - now nearly 7 and 4. It also generally becomes an argument as she makes no effort and wants to do the bare minimum. She never asks to have them for example and is never excited when asked. We get many nos for every yes we get. She lives 30 mins away.
For added context she is Spanish and used to ship me off to my grandparents in Spain every summer for the full school holidays. Culturally in Spain families are tight knit and grandparents always look after their grandchildren - children will also then look after their parents further down the line - my father moved in with me for example after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I appreciate this seems to be different in the UK but things like paying grandparents for childcare - which I see on posts here - would be absolutely bonkers in Spain.
I asked my mum for 3 days of babysitting over the summer. Mentioned it was fine if she couldn't but needed to know by a certain date as that was the deadline for me to book the summer camp. She agreed and then said she couldn't 2 days after the deadline because she was doing to be tired and needed a rest. I asked in June for end of August....

My mother would come and babysit but there were always huge strings attached. If we went out for a meal she would expect us to bring her a take away from the restaurant back with us. She would then expect for us to sit up with her while she ate her meal with a glass of wine. So no going out and then going to bed and relaxing afterwards. The next day she would expect us to take her out somewhere special. This just wasn’t easy with young kids. She just got very jealous with other people going out. In the end we just didn’t bother.
Needless to say I try and be the absolute opposite. We look after our grandchildren because we love them. No strings

I feel you OP. Most of my friends parents or in laws regularly have their children. But they actually offer and love treating their Grandkids. I do feel sorry for my own DC sometimes that they dont have that.

I would be packing my lunch and kids lunch and then saying ‘I’ve done mine and the kids
lunches… kitchen is free if you want to make yours!
We are off for a quick walk, can you watch the kids for an hour….
We’d love a lay in tomorrow, could you please pop some cereal in a bowl for them in the morning….
If they don’t want to help out if never go away with them again.

blutterfly · 11/08/2023 08:07
OP your parents sound similar to mine. It’s not so much the lack of babysitting but their self centred views and lack of any interest to spend time with their grandchildren let alone enabling their own child some rest.”

Self-centred? They brought you up. Maybe they need some “rest”?

@Allsweep i know how this feels. My parents will look after my daughter but only if I ask.. they’ll never say ‘would you like to sleep over next weekend’
My mum has my brothers children 1 day a week in term time, but makes it known it’s hard work for her.. (they’re 3 & 6) but my brother asked my mum if she could have the kids a couple of nights so they could get some sleep without being woken by kids, and mum said they needed to get some routine at bedtime and make the kids stay in bed…. And her having them 2 nights won’t make any difference to that… I told her maybe if she gives them a couple of nights off they’d then have the energy to keep returning them to bed all night until they stay there! She didn’t sound convinced!
I remember how hard it was having a child who won’t stay in bed…. But I’ve no room to have them at my house… plus they’re scared of my dogs….
My mum is similar with me.. if I ask her to have our dogs so me and DD can have a day out, a weekend away or a week away they make it known it’s an imposition for them…. But then post pics on Facebook of how they’re looking after them and well behaved they are!! So I guess some people just like to moan rather than just say ‘yes I’d love to have them so you can both have a nice time once a year!

As for my inlaws, they’ve never even met my DD!…. Shes 13!! And me and Dh separated last year and he’s not bothered since… so must be his family trait!

sometimes you just have to make the best of it… not having family support and me always being tired definitely affected my marriage…. I wouldn’t have wanted time away without her, but the odd night or day would’ve been nice.

Haven't read the whole thread but thought I'd play devils advocate, if no one else has. My parents look after my daughter but it is anything but easy. They don't put her down for naps when it's appropriate and she ends up taking 2 hours to go to sleep and wakes up really early and it takes days to get her back on track, not to mention she struggles the whole time and ends up really upset and not enjoying anything. They've mentioned giving her coffee (a 1 year old!!!) and were shocked and annoyed at me when I got upset about this. At a wedding recently they rolled their eyes at me for asking them not to give her coke (I appreciate everyone makes mistakes but they could have just said okay and moved on, without the attitude). They constantly undermine me (when I say something like "I've found x part of DD's behaviour challenging this week" they'll always say "oh she never does that with me!!" Like it's a competition). They love her, I know that and I know I'm so lucky to have help but it's a battle sometimes.

All this to say you are absolutely right to feel the way you feel, but maybe this might make you feel a little bit better? The grass is always greener, after all.