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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that PARTNER is an inclusive word we should use

258 replies

KajsaKavat · 09/08/2023 11:06

Apropos the boyfriend on holiday thread I got a bit shocked how people reacted to OP describing him as partner and calling her out saying due to their ages he can only ever be a boyfriend.

I have teens myself and they all refer to the
person they’re dating as partner.
teens are all about being inclusive and using non gender specific terms, surely this is a good thing.

OP posts:

QueefQueen80s · 09/08/2023 11:10

I don't get the fuss, same with older people saying boyfriend girlfriend. I called my ex partners mum my mum in law.
What the hell does it matter. These people complain about anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

MagpiePi · 09/08/2023 11:14

I generally use partner as I am of the age when it became more common for couples to be not married, so saying husband/wife would have been incorrect.

I think it sounds a bit daft when mature adults talk about girlfriends/boyfriends, but it also sounds daft when people talk about man friends/lady friends.

AutumnCrow · 09/08/2023 11:15

I couldn't give a stuff about the 'partner' thing. Call them what you like.

But 'teens are all about being inclusive and using non gender specific terms, surely this is a good thing' is pushing it a bit. Some teens might be like this but an awful lot aren't. And 'inclusive' seems to have a weird meaning in these unregulated EDI-sodden days.

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 09/08/2023 11:17

Partner typically indicates a greater level of commitment than girlfriend/boyfriend/lover.

We use it, but we live together permanently but are not married. It feels appropriate for that status

I can't imagine a young person being at that point in their relationship, but I guess it's their own choice how they want to describe their significant other

Oysterbabe · 09/08/2023 11:17

At 16, he is her boyfriend.

Harrythehappypig · 09/08/2023 11:19

I think “partner” suggests some significant degree of joint decision making. If I lived a largely separate life from someone i was in a relationship with then I wouldn’t refer to them as my partner. If I didn’t then I would.

WimbledonPimms · 09/08/2023 11:21

I've had a boyfriend for nearly 30 years, lived together for most of them. We're not married, don't want to be and don't like the word partner.

FoodFann · 09/08/2023 11:22

IMHO: Partner means someone you are sharing your life with. A teenager is not in a partnership, they are single, living with their parents, and thus, they have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/08/2023 11:25

Partner to me implies something more than just dating so probably sharing a home and finances. Been together for a time. Not just a new or transient relationship.
But I’m older and language evolves.

Anyport · 09/08/2023 11:27

I see partners as sharing a commitment to live together. Anything less is girlfriend and boyfriend. In the original post where this discussion was picked up from the parents were paying the bills for the holidays. I don't see a partnership in that.

WandaWonder · 09/08/2023 11:30

I would not call someone on a first date partner, to me partner is someone you live with and are not married too

I am married so have a husband so that is what he is called

But I would presume someone using partner could also mean business, fellow legal partner in a legal practise, study partner

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 09/08/2023 11:30

'Boyfriend' is an entirely appropriate term. He is a boy. She is a girl and is therefore his 'girlfriend'. 'Inclusivity' is irrelevant in the context - where does gender neutrality come into it? It isn't like other terms where the 'feminine' term is seen as lesser, or the male is used as the default and excludes women and girls.

As others have said, 'partner' is generally reserved for relationships which are more serious, between adults, where life and responsibilities are shared. Where is the 'partnership' between two teens that live at home?

Some adults might use it for less serious relationships rather than boyfriend/girlfriend because, well, the person they're seeing isn't a boy or a girl because they're adults and 'manfriend/womanfriend' sounds utterly ridiculous, so I can't get wound up about that. But teens? Nope.

KimberleyClark · 09/08/2023 11:33

16 year olds are children strictly speaking. Children don't have partners.

Folkevermore · 09/08/2023 11:34

Do people really care about this stuff? I can't say someone else describing a boyfriend or girlfriend makes a difference to me in any way shape or form.

Meeting · 09/08/2023 11:35

I don't know the threat you're talking about but no, a 16 year old doesn't have a partner.

Caipirovska · 09/08/2023 11:35

I thought it was polite, once aware, of term preference to use the term the couple do.

So if someone says partner - you use it whatever you think of the enmeshment of their relationship - if they used boyfriend/girlfriend/ husband/wife/spouse you don't correct them to your preferred term.

ginslinger · 09/08/2023 11:36

If you're just dating then that person is not your partner
There is nothing wrong with referring to a husband/wife if you are married
People can decide what they want to call the person they're dating/living with/married to without having it proscribed as inclusive.

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2023 11:37

I don't think a teenager has a "partner" and I think it encourages grown up relationships to say that. Boyfriend/girl friend is fine.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/08/2023 11:38

I think it’s odd for teenagers to refer to their boyfriends and girlfriends as partners.

yellowbadgeblue · 09/08/2023 11:39

Partner to me is more entangled than boyfriend - some sort of agreement re finances, possibly living together. It's certainly not a word I'd use to describe the boyfriend or girlfriend of a teen.

Basketballqueen · 09/08/2023 11:40

'I have teens myself and they all refer to the
person they’re dating as partner.
teens are all about being inclusive and using non gender specific terms, surely this is a good thing.'

it's stupid. Partner infers a long term commitment. Going out with someone as a 16 year old for a year doesn't make them a 'partner'.

I have only had 1 actual partner, I married her, but lots of girlfriend's - some for much longer than others.

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2023 11:40

I see with gender fluidity and all that I can see why teenagers cop on to ",partner" but its all a bit much imo.

Tdcp · 09/08/2023 11:41

I was told off for calling DP's sister my SIL because we're not married. We've been together almost 13 years. I don't know why people care tbh.

Caipirovska · 09/08/2023 11:41

I have to admit unless teenager was a parent and living with other half - I would eye raise at use of partner instead of boyfriend/girlfriend.

However I know people later life who use partner despite really just dating with no intention of more there I'd just use their term.

Mirandathepandaisontheverandah · 09/08/2023 11:43

I don't think less-specific language is inherently inclusive and I don't really follow how it's more inclusive in this context. Relationships are inherently exclusive.

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