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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that PARTNER is an inclusive word we should use

258 replies

KajsaKavat · 09/08/2023 11:06

Apropos the boyfriend on holiday thread I got a bit shocked how people reacted to OP describing him as partner and calling her out saying due to their ages he can only ever be a boyfriend.

I have teens myself and they all refer to the
person they’re dating as partner.
teens are all about being inclusive and using non gender specific terms, surely this is a good thing.

OP posts:
DoesItHaveKosovo · 09/08/2023 12:25

Harrythehappypig · 09/08/2023 11:19

I think “partner” suggests some significant degree of joint decision making. If I lived a largely separate life from someone i was in a relationship with then I wouldn’t refer to them as my partner. If I didn’t then I would.

This sums it up best for me and how I would use it myself, but I don’t get wound up about the words people use (provided they also don’t get wound up about me saying “partner” when they’re married, or v.v, eg a colleague or acquaintance who I don’t know.

Haven’t seen the thread being referred to but would not refer to a teenager as having a partner unless they lived together.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 09/08/2023 12:28

I have a husband, not a partner so it wouldn’t be inclusive for me.

Weirder still is when unmarried people refer to their partner as husband/wife!

I think the lines here are quite clear:

Husband/Wife = married
Partner = in a long term committed relationship, usually living together
Boyfriend/girlfriend = less commitment, usually don’t live together

KvotheTheBloodless · 09/08/2023 12:33

Dixiechickonhols · 09/08/2023 11:59

There was an interesting thread in one of the very many posts on here from unmarried woman up shit creek when her relationship broke down about how language matters.
Calling boyfriend a partner can lull people into false sense of security that there’s more legal substance involved than what there is.
I’m legally qualified so legal implications are how my brain is wired. I wouldn’t use a legally incorrect term like ‘in law’ if not legally related but I can see how it wouldn’t bother someone not wired this way.
My word association with partner is a boss at work but again that’s because law firms were traditionally run as partnerships.
I described dh as bf when we lived together and then he became dh when we married. Partner wasn’t in common usage then.
My elderly mum said to me recently please describe your dad (deceased) as my dh not partner in my funeral. For her partner isn’t none offensive inclusive catch all.

Most married people don't call their spouse their partner - having made the big legal commitment of marriage, most married people want that to be acknowledged.

I've only heard partner used by unmarried couples cohabiting or who aren't living together but have been an item for many years and have no intention of cohabiting ever. A 16 year old using it is hilarious!

Genevieva · 09/08/2023 12:36

Law go me have partners. The person kids get paired with in a school lesson is a partner. It’s meaning is so broad that it lacks the intimacy of a boyfriend / girlfriend / fiancé / husband / wife.

Genevieva · 09/08/2023 12:36
  • law firms
Mrsjayy · 09/08/2023 12:37

TheGoogleMum · 09/08/2023 12:24

I was at uni when a much older lesbian fellow (mature) student explained that she preferred people ask about partners rather than assume husband/boyfriend as she then has to explain that shes got a female partner. It stuck with me and so I don't find using partner unreasonable

This usually will naturally come out in conversation if the person you are in a relationship with but I get it we shouldn't assume.

wlana · 09/08/2023 12:37

I generally understand partner to mean someone you live with and are in a relationship with, but that you aren't married to them.

JaukiVexnoydi · 09/08/2023 12:38

I did say something onbthe "holiday" thread because I think "partner" is massively overused.

We see posts in relationships from women seeking advice and using the word "partner" when "casual hookup" is a more appropriate term.

There needs to be a word for "person with whom you live as if you are married, who shares responsibility for home and family expenses and chores and who you can rely upon to be your first and most dependable supporter when needed" because so many people in long term relationships choise not to marry.

If people use "partner" to mean "person I shag sometimes but have made no commitments to other than notionally agreeing not to shag anyone else for the time being" then we need a different word for "partner" that actually includes an element of partnership.

When I was youger the "casual" version was called S.O. for Significant Other - has that fallen into disuse?

Bellyblueboy · 09/08/2023 12:38

using the word partner when referring to children dating just seems odd.

partner to me is used by a couple who have been together for a while, are committed, live together, maybe even children.

dating teens have boyfriends and girlfriends. I am not sure what the non-binary equivalent is - there must be one and I don’t think ti can be partner.

to me the term partner puts too much pressure on what is dating between kids.

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2023 12:38

I don't agree with letting people choose words for themselves as words do have meanings. You end up with adult women with tiny children calling men partners who they have just met and moved in or teenagers thinking their relationship should last forever / they should share money or people wanting to be called opposite sex pronouns etc.

JaninaDuszejko · 09/08/2023 12:39

My elderly mum said to me recently please describe your dad (deceased) as my dh not partner in my funeral. For her partner isn’t none offensive inclusive catch all.

After my Dad died DM was sorting out her bank details and the bank manager repeatedly called DDad 'your ex husband', they seemed to have no idea how offensive that was.

Folkevermore · 09/08/2023 12:41

Do people really look into the word partner that much though? I don't know anyone who does, is it a chronically online thing?

HangingOver · 09/08/2023 12:41

We use partner. I can't bring myself to called DP my boyfriend, he's 18 years older than me

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2023 12:42

It's not looking into it, just that words mean things so people get the wrong end of the stick if you use words that don't make sense in context.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/08/2023 12:43

To think that PARTNER is an inclusive word we should use.

YABU to tell people which words they should use about their own or their families' relationships.

EmmaEmerald · 09/08/2023 12:43

MagpiePi · 09/08/2023 11:14

I generally use partner as I am of the age when it became more common for couples to be not married, so saying husband/wife would have been incorrect.

I think it sounds a bit daft when mature adults talk about girlfriends/boyfriends, but it also sounds daft when people talk about man friends/lady friends.

I use "boyfriend" as it's only been 3 months. "Partner" wouldn't come in until much much later?

SirenSays · 09/08/2023 12:43

I remember nasty gossiping people trying to figure out if a friend of mine was gay or not from bf/gf language. I've used partner since then.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 09/08/2023 12:43

I refer to DH as my partner more often than as my husband. I think people probably assume we're not married when I do it though.

I probably prefer partner than adults saying boyfriend or girlfriend.

Folkevermore · 09/08/2023 12:44

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2023 12:42

It's not looking into it, just that words mean things so people get the wrong end of the stick if you use words that don't make sense in context.

But that's the point, do they? I don't know anyone who views partner as any different to boyfriend or girlfriend, the only time is if someone is married and obviously husband/wife has a different meaning. Perhaps it's a generational thing then?

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/08/2023 12:44

@Anyport I'm mid forties. Been with my partner for 7 years but don't and won't live together or share finances due to past experience and kids etc. "living apart together" is becoming more common and recognised as a very healthy and sensible set up for people, especially those not raising kids together. We are emotionally committed and support each other daily but we're not "entangled". I'd still use "partner" though as boyfriend just sounds a bit silly. I think saying it's not a partnership is quite judgy and narrow minded, like there's a standard to meet. I can see that being appropriate when discussing teens but not older people.

Sittingonabench · 09/08/2023 12:48

I prefer the term partner but not really because it’s more inclusive. I think it more accurately describes a long term relationship who share life goals, resources and support eachother. Boy/girl friend is good when teens and these things haven’t developed yet.

LakeTiticaca · 09/08/2023 12:49

Yabu; trying to police people's speech. Partner/husband/wife/gf/bf.
All fine and acceptable IMHO

5128gap · 09/08/2023 12:50

I think people can refer to the person they're in a relationship with by any term they prefer. It could however lead to misunderstandings if people refer to someone they are just dating as their partner, as people understand the term in a different way. Some young people may indeed want to be 'inclusive' by removing any reference to a person's sex from their terminology, but that isn't going to change the message people recieve from their choice of words. Say partner as an adult and people will assume a serious relationship. Say partner at 16 because you've been to the cinema a few times with a lad from school, and people may have a little smile to themselves.

Capitulatingpanda · 09/08/2023 12:51

I definitely wouldn't have referred to anyone I dated as a teenager as a partner, they weren't they were boyfriends and girlfriends. For me living together and a higher level of commitment would be needed to use partner. Not sure I like it anyway. Without context it doesn't even necessarily mean a romantic relationship.

amlie8 · 09/08/2023 12:53

I really don't like the word partner, despite being an adult in a four-year relationship. I don't mind at all when other people use it about their, um, partners, but when it comes to my relationship, it feels like such a sexless, cold term. It's just not the right word (for me).

I can't wait to be able to say husband, but we need to wait until ill family members abroad are able to travel for a wedding. I'm not even that arsed about a wedding day, I just want a better word to use!