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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Granparent overreacting?

305 replies

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

OP posts:
Failingatthemoment · 08/08/2023 22:48

I will say this only once

SHE'S YOUR CHILD - YOU GET TO MAKE THE RULES.

And breathe............

Slinkyminky22 · 08/08/2023 22:51

Everything to do with your baby is your decision, as parents. Every single thing.
Go with your gut.

Mothership4two · 09/08/2023 03:28

She's asked you both and you said no - end of. You are not being unreasonable.

Her reaction was OTT and I personally wouldn't be encouraging her around at all at the moment.

This comes up regularly on MN with GM's demanding to take very young GC (babies) out on their own or overnight on a regular basis. It's odd/unhealthy

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 09/08/2023 04:32

With that attitude she would certainly never counting herself out of having any unsupervised visits.

Why does she want alone time with a 4 month old baby? Why does she need to spend time with them on their own for it to considered acceptable to her?

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 09/08/2023 04:32
  • be not never
BritInAus · 09/08/2023 04:36

Literally just say no. If you want to be polite 'no, not just yet, she's still tiny. When she's older I'm sure that'll be fine."

Marinettethebug · 09/08/2023 04:37

I do not understand this need to see a 4 month old baby without the parents around! It is not in the baby's best interest. And it would make me wonder her reasoning. Does she want to do something you would likely say no to? Pierce ears? First haircut? Feed her something in particular? Pretend it's her baby?

You set the rules, you decide what you feel comfortable with any anyone who gives you grief goes on your "not to be trusted" list.

W0tnow · 09/08/2023 04:44

I would 100% trust my kids’ grandparents when they were newborns. Totally. NONE of them ever asked to take my children out, for HOURS, without me, when they were months old. Because that would be weird.

calmcoco · 09/08/2023 04:48

I would ask her what she wants to do with the child that she can't do with you there.

She's being silly starting this argument.

Thack · 09/08/2023 04:59

I wouldn't ask. You said no and that's that.

She's had a strop, let her sulk. If it comes up again then suggest a time frame for when you'd predict to be ready (at least 6mo or maybe 7-8+months to start weaning?). It might help to set expectations; you will want that break/help eventually.

Morestrangerthings1 · 09/08/2023 05:02

As a grandparent - it’s always been ‘parents’ rules’ as it should be. As a grandparent you can bond with regular short visits (when asked) without the responsibility that’s involved with caring for a young baby.

I don’t think it’s any nefarious scheme on the part of the mil. But it’s still weird. It’s something I read on mn regularly.

I’ve not yet seen any posts on here from mils wanting to have babies for extended periods or overnight. I suspect any mil that wanted to do it would know it’s unreasonable - and that they’d get a lot of negative responses on here if they posted about it.

Valeriekat · 10/08/2023 07:07

Her response to you saying "not yet" is awful.

Caribun · 10/08/2023 07:13

MIL was like this with our DD, but it came from a place of wanting DH and I to have some time together, and to help me rest and recover from quite severe PND. She accepted it when we said no though as I didn't want to be separated from her at all, as should any grandparent. Your baby, your rules.

ithinkhesawus · 10/08/2023 07:16

With her attitude then no yanbu. If it were my mum she'd be saying OK when you're ready and need a break let me know.

HairyKitty · 10/08/2023 07:18

It’s always parents rules, but in this case I think your reaction is weird not their request.
Surely it’s totally normal for gran to take the pram out for an hour or so between feeds to give Mum a break?
If you have a good relationship with your own Mum would you have the same problem?

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 10/08/2023 07:19

Only on mumsnet do I ever hear about these tantruming grandparents demanding time alone with tiny babies. Tell them she's not a timeshare baby she's your daughter.

Caribun · 10/08/2023 07:24

HairyKitty · 10/08/2023 07:18

It’s always parents rules, but in this case I think your reaction is weird not their request.
Surely it’s totally normal for gran to take the pram out for an hour or so between feeds to give Mum a break?
If you have a good relationship with your own Mum would you have the same problem?

It's only normal if the parents are happy with it, and OP isn't. I wasn't either. It wasn't a normal concept for me to even consider leaving my baby with someone else for a few hours, and Grans reaction to being told that OP doesn't want to be separated from her baby, is weird.

NutellaNut · 10/08/2023 07:24

I never understand these grandparents who demand to have sole custody of a young baby without the parents, either for a few hours or worse, overnight. Just why? A baby is not a toy to play with for a few hours. YANBU, keep saying a very clear NO. You don’t need a reason, but actually the need for your partner to maximise his time with the child before he goes away should be one most people can understand. You are not saying she can’t visit or spend time with the baby. She’s bang out of order.

Maray1967 · 10/08/2023 07:34

W0tnow · 09/08/2023 04:44

I would 100% trust my kids’ grandparents when they were newborns. Totally. NONE of them ever asked to take my children out, for HOURS, without me, when they were months old. Because that would be weird.

Same here.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 10/08/2023 07:49

I'm a grandmother of two and I never asked or demanded alone time with them when they were tiny. I loved to cuddle them (still do) and actually baby sat both when they were tiny as dd and sil were attending a wedding but I think your partner's step mum is completely out of order.

gogomoto · 10/08/2023 07:58

Your baby your rules BUT remember that you might be grateful of active willing grandparents in the future, basically if you refuse even an hour or two trip out now, don't then expect them to be offering to babysit in the future.

Relationships are built up overtime

Alloveragain3 · 10/08/2023 08:00

Why on earth would she want the babys parents to not be there? You know baby best and can meet her needs best.

If you wanted time away from baby, fair enough, she could volunteer to take baby out.

If you've told her you don't want this, she has to respect this.

There's no way in hell I'd have let either set of grandparents take DS out at that age without me.

phoenixrosehere · 10/08/2023 08:00

HairyKitty · 10/08/2023 07:18

It’s always parents rules, but in this case I think your reaction is weird not their request.
Surely it’s totally normal for gran to take the pram out for an hour or so between feeds to give Mum a break?
If you have a good relationship with your own Mum would you have the same problem?

Surely it’s totally normal for gran to take the pram out for an hour or so between feeds to give Mum a break?

Where does it say OP wants a break from their baby though?

I definitely didn’t even though I allowed it with my first and regretted it the first time because I wasn’t comfortable with it and spent the whole time watching the clock. It was not a break for me. I greeted my in-laws at the door when they returned , thanked them and took my baby back and it was months before I felt comfortable doing that again with anyone.

ArcticSkewer · 10/08/2023 08:03

Asking is fine (I mean, I find it totally weird unless it's done to give the parents a rest, but I know plenty of people who do it this way).

Having a big strop and being rude - could fuck off forever as far as I would be concerned.

There's no way she is normally a lovely person then has that attitude. Start as you mean to go on as she will only be, as no doubt always, a pain in the arse.

JanieEyre · 10/08/2023 08:06

She needs to explain why it's such a big deal to take the baby out rather than see her with you. What does she plan to do with her that she can't do at your place?