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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Granparent overreacting?

305 replies

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

OP posts:

Lkahsvtv · 10/08/2023 08:08

I find this compulsion of grandparents to want alone time with babies really odd, it seems to come up a lot. There’s years and years when they can do this when they’re older so I don’t see the rush.

andloqa · 10/08/2023 08:09

If you're working part time whilst your husband is away working you must be leaving your baby with someone else then?

But no, obviously no one gets to demand they have the baby, sounds unbelievable really.

Zebedee55 · 10/08/2023 08:10

My mum never demanded anything, but she used to take DD to the park, in her pram, for an hour or two, so I could have a nap in peace and quiet.

I found it quite helpful.

tothelefttotheleft · 10/08/2023 08:15

andloqa · 10/08/2023 08:09

If you're working part time whilst your husband is away working you must be leaving your baby with someone else then?

But no, obviously no one gets to demand they have the baby, sounds unbelievable really.

Yes I wondering who has the baby while op works too.

Thirder · 10/08/2023 08:16

Maybe she wants to get out of sitting in your house in the visit. Could you suggest you go for a walk with grandparent and baby?
Or go visit another home or cafe with grandparent and baby?
I'd read their comments as that they don't want to sit in your house necessarily and want to get out and about.

Makegoodchoices · 10/08/2023 08:17

I would expect she wants to take the baby to her friends to show off that she is a trusted grandparent. She can’t do that if you’re there - and there is no need for her to do that at all.

My MIL used to give me times she was free, as if we didn’t have a schedule. That was why we spent less time with her.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 10/08/2023 08:18

HairyKitty · 10/08/2023 07:18

It’s always parents rules, but in this case I think your reaction is weird not their request.
Surely it’s totally normal for gran to take the pram out for an hour or so between feeds to give Mum a break?
If you have a good relationship with your own Mum would you have the same problem?

Nothing abnormal about a grandparent taking the baby out in the pram for a bit if that’s what the parent wants.

Totally not normal for the grandparent to be demanding to have the baby alone and throwing a tantrum if told no.

She’s not a toy for them to share.

And yes, I applied the same principle to my own mum as well.

jolies1 · 10/08/2023 08:18

No one has the right to demand time with your baby and certainly not for hours.

BUT when I was born my mum said my grandad popped round regularly to take me for a walk for an hour in my pram - it gave her a break and when he died she said nothing had ever made him happier. When she was born it wasn’t as socially accepted for a man to do that.

LAMPS1 · 10/08/2023 08:27

YANBU
Her very short response conveys so much. She is rude, ignorant, combative and very inconsiderate of your wishes and feelings.
I wouldn’t even bother responding and explaining yourselves further. You have said all you need to say already.

Cosycover · 10/08/2023 08:32

What's your plan when you are at work?

I think you are overreacting tbh. It takes a village. The tables will turn one day when you need her. It's really not a big deal.

nonmerci99 · 10/08/2023 08:53

Mothership4two · 09/08/2023 03:28

She's asked you both and you said no - end of. You are not being unreasonable.

Her reaction was OTT and I personally wouldn't be encouraging her around at all at the moment.

This comes up regularly on MN with GM's demanding to take very young GC (babies) out on their own or overnight on a regular basis. It's odd/unhealthy

Yep, my in-laws asked constantly
if they could have my baby (now 19 months) stay overnight with them. We had to say no umpteen times. I am expecting at the moment and they recently told my husband and I that they assumed we’d want to ship off our first to their house for “at least a week” so we can settle in “as a family”. They’re nuts. My husband and I were dumbfounded, and explained that wouldn’t be necessary.

I should their house isn’t even slightly baby/toddler proofed, so even if I were more inclined to leave him there for long periods, that would still make it a deal breaker. They refuse to make it safe for him, and one of them is legally blind, so can’t exactly watch him closely.

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 09:33

I find this attitude really strange @nonmerci99 - it is almost like treating a baby or child like an object to be shared around. Babies and young children basically want to be around their parents/mum. Fortunately my parents and in-laws weren't like that and also toddler proofed their homes as we did for friends and family. My friends who have gc say having them is tiring and can be stressful even though they love them to bits and enjoy seeing them.

Best of luck with no.2's arrival!

nonmerci99 · 10/08/2023 09:39

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 09:33

Best of luck with no.2's arrival!

It’s definitely like that — my FIL is extremely possessive of my son and almost acts like he is his child. It’s so creepy. Not sure how he’ll act with another baby in the picture… thank you for the good wishes!!

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 10/08/2023 09:40

I think you are overreacting tbh. It takes a village. The tables will turn one day when you need her. It's really not a big deal. why do people always trot out this one.

I can see the point if you never allow the grandparents to even see the child, I know someone whose DD recently had a baby and they refused o let anyone see the baby for two weeks, didn’t even tell anyone the name, and were then upset when the grandparents weren’t able to come round the instant they were given permission to because they had other plans. Now that is IMO unreasonable.

But the OP has essentially said that she doesn’t want the ILs taking the baby out as her dad is home and wants some time with her but they’re welcome to come round. There’s nothing wrong with that.

And while there’s nothing wrong with the grandparents wanting to look after the baby or take him/her out in the pram for a walk, it’s not a right, and certainly no grandparent should be assuming they’ll be having the baby for overnights for several years. In fact it mystifies me as to why anyone would want a newborn that isn’t theirs to stay overnight. Just why?

crosstalk · 10/08/2023 09:41

@gogomoto Your post has to be ironic, yes? So grandparents are told by parents that they can't take a young baby out in the first few months because the parents are unhappy. The grandparents then refuse to help with the child for the rest of its life. Bizarre, and not grandparents I'd want to have.

Iwasafool · 10/08/2023 09:46

I've got 7 GC, have done loads of childcare over the years but never asked to have them without the parents but I think it can be meant kindly, as in going for a walk and giving mum a bit of space for a shower or rest or something. Mine ask so I don't need to!

Is there a chance she is worried she is going to be treated differently as step grandmother? If not then just keep it friendly and say you aren't ready yet which is perfectly normal.

SunRainStorm · 10/08/2023 09:47

She's being ridiculous. Don't give into this tantrum.

If she wants time with the grandchild then she needs to build trust and communication with the parents, not throw a fit and demand her own way.

Keep your boundaries and don't let her get to you.

Iwasafool · 10/08/2023 09:48

Just wondered who is having baby when you work? Any chance it is your mum and there is some jealousy?

TeresaCrowd · 10/08/2023 09:48

This might be out of turn a little bit but it’s been bugging me so I’m just going to say it. I wonder if it’s to do with coming from a ‘blended’ family that maybe was not a very amicable split or something, or sharing contact time with kids was a bit of a battle. I will hold my hands up and say I have no experience of blended families and as such the idea of ‘supervised visits’ wouldn’t even cross my mind as a concept, it would be visiting my daughter and granddaughter but I read on here all the time about ex’s only having ‘supervised contact’ sessions etc because they aren’t trusted or suitable to have the kids alone and wonder if it’s a bit of a terminology or idea thing that is seen as negative? I’m absolutely not picking on step parents, I’ve never met you or your (step?)MIL, I’m just an outsider looking in on posts, but it seems blaringly similar in description. Maybe there is something going on in the background that needs to be worked through?

Nap1983 · 10/08/2023 09:49

your baby, your rules. However what about a compromise. My mum and MiL would come over and watch DD while i either had a shower or had a nap if shattered, maybe a walk in pram (even only 30 mins). She built up a great relationship with all her GPs and still has.

Nap1983 · 10/08/2023 09:52

Its always the inlaws who are nuts and mums have issue with on here…

Original poster

Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 09:54

I only work part time evenings and have 2 other children myself with a very large age gap so if daddy is working away they are more than happy to look after her for a few hours and I pay them. She is in a brilliant routine and is asleep before 9pm every night. Baby monitor and doorbell camera are both connected to my phone so if there are any problems it's a 5 minute drive for me to get home x

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 09:56

We said about going meeting for food etc but it was a no

OP posts:

SunRainStorm · 10/08/2023 09:58

Nap1983 · 10/08/2023 09:52

Its always the inlaws who are nuts and mums have issue with on here…

Women are used to dealing with their own mothers, and if they are nutters then strategies and expectations would have been developed years before having children.

My own PIL really only popped into my life once I had a baby, and I had no framework for dealing with them yet.

They were like OP's MIL. Entitled, dramatic, believed themselves to be 'helpful' and felt that gave them rights.

Wishitsnows · 10/08/2023 10:00

Does your MIL have biological children of her own?

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