Granparent overreacting?

[Cantsleep23]

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

exactly... so mil does that ... and then where's the childcare for the job?

Don't give people who throw tantrums important jobs

A reasonable person would see it that way.

The mil seems to think it means she can't be trusted ... needs to be 'supervised'.

I am completely unsurprised by the update that she cut off another family member for two years over the same issue

I hate demanding grandparents. They don’t have any say over what you do with your child. They can like it or lump it!

Probably because her older DCs aren’t acting like they’re entitled to alone time to a baby that is not theirs and won’t compromise with the parents unless they get what they want. Plus, that is their sibling who they live with and see way more than this grandparent does.

I wouldn’t want to deal with anyone who thinks they can demand alone time with a baby because they’re family when they’re not the parents and the parents are not comfortable with it. There is no reason MIL has to have the baby alone and thinking she has the audacity to push the subject is all the more reason she shouldn’t be alone with the baby.

If this was really about bonding with the baby, she would respect the parents’ wishes and see the baby in their presence until they are comfortable with her having their baby alone.

I think you missed the part where I said the mil wanted to take our baby on a set day at a set time. This day was when ne and my partner we're both off work and we as parents wanted her to be with us. She had the option to meet with us (I wouldn't have minded driving) or to come to our home but she was adamant she wanted our baby without us there. Yes I pay my children if either one looks after their sister, I wouldn't expect them to do it for nothing, and it gives them money to save to buy themselves something nice but they only look after her if me and her dad are both working at the same time which is maybe 1 or 2 evenings a week. Why would we allow even a grandparent to take our child on a day we want to spend with her and it's not about 'being happy to be away from my baby' bills have to be paid and if I'm able to go back to work then why should I stay home 24/7

You have kind of changed your story though haven’t you, because your first post is definitely in a more general sense and not about one specific occasion.

Anyway I am not a grandparent or a parent, but I am an aunt to four and I am truly perturbed as to why MIL is so desperate to be alone with a four month old baby, I just don’t get it. But equally you are being difficult too, you let your baby out of your sight at other times, I am not sure why you can allow other people to look after her for a few hours so long as it is not mother in law.

"No" is a complete sentence 👌

I wouldn't let my 4 month go out for rhe day without me either. They're so little. Plenty of time for then to be taken out for days when they're older.

Never really understand why you would want to take a young baby out away from its parents. It’s one thing to wipe your own child, shitty arse, but I wouldn’t want to be doing it for anybody elses. Or if he or she got sick or had an accident I’m sorry just no, over to the parents.

Tell her you’ll let her know when you’re ready to do that, but until then it’s a firm no.
You absolutely get to decide when you want to do this.

Exactly this. Only on MN have I heard of these batshit GP insisting to take tiny babes for hours/overnight

OF COURSE it’s not normal to feel so ridiculously entitled to this kind of thing.

Be firm @Cantsleep23 be indignant at her behaviour and TELL her once and for all that nobody hands over their tiny baby for hours on end if they don’t want to.

I had a relative insist on taking my 12 week old overnight, I said no she's too young at the moment and the relative went ballistic saying it was unfair to them. We've since been no contact for 22 years and thats worked out well for both of us TBH.

For those of you saying the OP should allow the grand-parents to have the baby alone, can I ask, can you explain - why? What do the grand-parents get out of it? A sense of control? A feeling of having "won"? Or is it that the baby is a new toy or plaything to show off? Because I can't understand it otherwise? We're not talking about an offer to help or babysit, the OP is saying the grandparent said I want X baby at X time on X date and if you don't do as I say there's going to be trouble. Why? How is that construed as offering to give OP a "break"?

Your post seems a bit OTT !!

I think it is wierd to want to take a grandchild out without their parents without a specific need, why, just why?

dd was about 6 months old when my mum first had her alone for the day and it was so that we could attend dh's grandad's funeral!

I loved it when my mum would take my baby for a bit BUT... I LOVED IT, she didnt act entitled, she wouldnt have gotten annoyed or upset if i said i didnt want my baby leaving me whilst so young. No way would she have done that.

Its your baby and you have the right to say no.

It's not weird for a grandparent to do this AND it's not weird for them not to! It's all about what you, as parents, think works best for your baby and your family. That's it.

Well, as a grandmother I take my hat off to you OP!
You and your husband have created a lovely family with your two kids and the new baby. And you have a setup that totally works for you, and suits all of the family. And your husband has your back!

MiL wants to take your precious baby away from you and your family and familiar routine at a time and place that suits MiL and you aren’t allowed to go…
Absolutely no way! And I find it really weird that she wants to do that! This is all about MiL. You’ve offered to visit or for her to visit so she can see baby. But no. That’s not what she wants. She wants your baby all to herself. Next time she asks say why do you want to take her away from us?

Does sound like she has form for this with her other grandchild…. Which shows that she’s not really interested in the child, because if she didn’t speak to that family for two years, she wouldn’t have seen her grandchild….

Personally, every time she asks I would dismiss the request by saying oh we don’t want her to be away from us but we are happy to come to visit, or do you want to come to us?

When you are a grandparent you will realise that it's a perfectly reasonable request.

It's nice to have alone time just grandparent/grandchild.

But you've said no so MIL will have to accept it.

No, it isn’t reasonable to separate a baby from their mother.

Why are posters still swooping in to berate the OP for not wanting her stroppy and demanding SMIL to take her four month old away for a set day that she doesn’t need childcare?

A SMIL who has already fallen out with other family members because she demanded sole access to their babies, and they said no?

A SMIL who for some reason refused the OP’s offer to join them on the day, and isn’t interested in seeing the baby if the OP is there…?!

She’s mental, OP. As are some of her supporters on here.

I agree with nearly all of the posts. This has absolutely nothing to do with the grandparents, the decision is solely based on how you feel about being away from YOUR child. End of story. I had this with my MIL. She wanted to give me a ‘rest’ and take the baby out for a few hours. I wasn’t ready to be away from her and she was 6months at that point!! Nobody else’s opinion matters OP, except yours and to an extent your hubby’s. My partner still says I was over reacting but I was just following my feelings, as a result I didn’t feel upset or uncomfortable and that is ok. Grandparents are grandparents, not parents, they don’t have rights and cannot make demands, stick to your guns!

YANBU! Your baby your rules! 4mths is very young still and I wouldn’t feel comfy with that. If she comes to you for a visit then could take her for a walk whilst you get a bit of a break but for me that would be enough. If she doesn’t like it then she doesn’t see baby simple as- don’t let her bully you

I had to go to a hospital appointment when my dd was 4 weeks old. My parents looked after dd for a few hours but they didn't take her out. Maybe I felt comfortable because they're my own parents.

Politely stick to your guns.
MIL being alone with your baby is totally your call.

Encourage your MIL to accompany you out walking with the pram for a coffee. Ask her to watch the baby while you have a shower - that type of thing is really healpful.
Accepting your MIL's company once a fortnight or what ever will allow you to learn to trust her and see how she bonds with your child.
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She's being unreasonable for demanding to have the baby alone on a particular day at a particular time.

However I don't really understand why you let your older children have sole charge of the baby but not the step-granny. Do you not want her to have the baby on her own ever, or just not now, or just not out of the house? Would she be able to babysit one evening when you're at work?

If you don't trust her to take care of the baby ever, that is a bigger problem your DP is going to need to get involved in.

If I were you, I'd seek a compromise like she comes round and looks after the baby at your house while you have a shower etc, then build up from there.

You see how anxious you're feeling right now? That's how you'll feel everytime someone pushes and you cant maintain your boundaries (i know this from my own experience so know fully how difficult it is) very sweetly and politely say No im sorry we're just not comfortable, its not a reflection on you, its the choices weve made. And then dont engage, but do yourselves a favor and do it now or you'll end up always feeling this.way Xx