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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Granparent overreacting?

305 replies

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

OP posts:
IVFbeenverylucky · 10/08/2023 10:01

I think you were right to explain about the timing problem with her proposal, but not wanting a four month old - not a newborn - to be out for a couple of hours with grandparents is odd, although of course it's your decision.

SunRainStorm · 10/08/2023 10:06

IVFbeenverylucky · 10/08/2023 10:01

I think you were right to explain about the timing problem with her proposal, but not wanting a four month old - not a newborn - to be out for a couple of hours with grandparents is odd, although of course it's your decision.

She asked for a few hours away. My babies were still breastfeeding on demand at four months old. I couldn't have been away from them for a few hours if I wanted to.

OP doesn't want to.

The baby is too little to enjoy it, this all about grandma's ego.

Plenty of time for play dates when the baby is older, if she manages not to burn her bridges in the meantime.

Tinkerbyebye · 10/08/2023 10:07

Just explain to her about your partner wanting to bond and you are sure she understands. Then every time she asks just say we have had this discussion and move on

personally if she said the she’s our bloody granddaughter comment again I would point out that she has had her time as a oatent, setting her rules, these are your rules, you don’t want comments like this again or she will be asked to leave, and mean it

i really don’t understand this desire of grandparents to have sole control of a baby, it’s not theirs it’s not a god given right

Original poster
Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 10:12

It's nothing to do with being from a 'blended family' I have 2 other children from previous relationships and my partner treats them like his own. my partner has nothing to do with his birth mum and hasn't for years. Step mum has been there for him since day 1. We have nothing against her and she really is a lovely woman but it just seems like it has to be her way or no way even in other situations (including with her husband). Don't get me wrong I might be thankful of a break from our baby when she's older but at the minute with her we have been extremely lucky and she is so chilled and cuddly and we don't 'need' any help. They are more than welcome to come round or for us all to meet for some food (saves me having to cook) but we want her to be with us. Me and my partner have spoke about this continuously for the last few days and we both agree we had a baby for US and for her not to be passed around like a toy and if people aren't happy then they are they ones with an issue not us. We said from day 1 that they will be no stress or friction around our baby and we will both quite happily distance ourselves from anyone who causes it so that's what we have done for now

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 10/08/2023 10:12

SunRainStorm · 10/08/2023 10:06

She asked for a few hours away. My babies were still breastfeeding on demand at four months old. I couldn't have been away from them for a few hours if I wanted to.

OP doesn't want to.

The baby is too little to enjoy it, this all about grandma's ego.

Plenty of time for play dates when the baby is older, if she manages not to burn her bridges in the meantime.

Show quote history

It might be that she doesn't understand why OP is happy to be away at work for a few hours (of course she might not be but needs the money) and leaving the baby with her older children. I'm assuming they must at least be teenagers. Doesn't mean she's entitled to demand the baby but it might make it feel more like she isn't trusted.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 10/08/2023 10:16

Yanbu.
My ex in-laws did this to me when DS was a couple of months old. I agreed that DS could go somewhere on the basis that I was going too. Then when they came to pick him up told me I wasn't allowed to come, even to sit on the car. I felt bullied and railroaded into saying yes, provided they bought him straight home.

An hour later I got a phone call to say they'd decided to pop into town for a while but not to worry as they'd bought a pre-sterilised bottle and a carton of formula. DS was EBF and had never had formula! Then DP phoned his sister and insisted she bought him home immediately after I called him totally hysterical.

Interestingly when his sister had a baby a couple of years later I got pointed remarks about how awful I was for "leaving" baby DS and how she didn't even go for a bath without sitting her baby in his bouncer in the bathroom!

Boobsallgone21 · 10/08/2023 10:17

Remember your baby your rules. As a new grandmother I adore my grandchild but I know my place. Enjoy your baby and don’t take any notice of MIL x

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 10:25

For me (and clearly I’m in the minority, which is fine - I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong in these situations), I wanted my baby to spend time with her grandparents without me from a couple of weeks as I felt it was important for her to have relationships with people other than her dad and I. She was with one of us most of the time and that was how we wanted it, but not all the time. We wanted her to be with grandparents without us so she was comfortable if they needed to have her unexpectedly without us.

I’ve never understood not wanting to let a baby out of someone’s sight, but as the parent, it’s up to you and the MIL will have to accept that. I can understand her feeling a bit grumbly about it, but she’s doing herself no favour by grumbling to you. Certainly won’t help her case!

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 10/08/2023 10:29

To be brutal Op ..bollocks to her and her demands! Your baby you decide.Do not engage any further with her on this matter.

Olika · 10/08/2023 10:32

She is your child. You make the rules. At 4 months I only let my mum or dad take mine for a walk but that was straight after she was fed so I knew she would be ok.

MsRosley · 10/08/2023 10:38

Other women do not get to play dolls with your baby. Ridiculous.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 10/08/2023 10:41

Her reaction would make me never want to leave my child with her at any point in the future.

OurChristmasMiracle · 10/08/2023 10:43

i would state- both me and DH are not comfortable with baby being away from us whilst she is so young. When that changes we will let you know.

sHREDDIES19 · 10/08/2023 10:44

How old are your other children? Perhaps it would be a nice idea for her to babysit at your house when you're working and your partner is away, particularly if they're not adults?

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2023 10:45

YANBU if it’s what you want, but given the baby gets left with older siblings sometimes I don’t see the issue.

My PIL had my kids a day a week from about 6 months because they wanted time with them and they are all very close.

They see PIL’s home as an extension of theirs and I feel lucky they love the boys as much as we do.

Merryoldgoat · 10/08/2023 10:45

Her reaction was ridiculous though.

HAF1119 · 10/08/2023 10:48

Fine to offer to have baby on her own, not fine to make the comments after - they aren't indicative of being mindful of or caring about the parents wishes. Which would put me off far far more in terms of future time on their own.

tattygrl · 10/08/2023 10:58

I love your approach, OP. A tiny baby is utterly dependent on primary caregiver/s physiologically, emotionally, psychologically - and you are wired to feel the need to have your baby with you at all times, too. It's completely, absolutely fine (and I would argue, healthy) to respect this. It's for so short a time, too. I really am aghast that anyone would demand to see someone else's infant alone like that. I couldn't ever dream of it.

ManateeFair · 10/08/2023 11:48

HairyKitty · 10/08/2023 07:18

It’s always parents rules, but in this case I think your reaction is weird not their request.
Surely it’s totally normal for gran to take the pram out for an hour or so between feeds to give Mum a break?
If you have a good relationship with your own Mum would you have the same problem?

But the grandparent isn't offering to take the baby out for an hour in the pram to 'give Mum a break between feeds'. Firstly, 'Mum' in this case doesn't actually want a break. Secondly, MIL has asked to take her for a few hours, not just for a stroll to the park between feeds. Thirdly, she's not offering to do it as a favour - she's said that she wants to take the baby out so she can spend time alone with her. It's not for the OP's benefit or for the baby's benefit that she wants to take her off for a few hours; it's purely for her own benefit.

It's not remotely weird or odd that the OP doesn't want to hand over her four-month-old to anyone for a few hours purely because that person is pressuring her. Some parents might be totally happy with a young baby getting taken off for a few hours, and that's fine. Others might not, and that's fine too. Neither is more 'normal' than the other.

Fraaahnces · 10/08/2023 11:56

She’s not a fucking Dolly!

FeigningConcern · 10/08/2023 12:14

So you are happy to be away from your baby and for baby to be left with your, presumably, teenagers, but not with grandma.

So it's not really about not wanting to be away from baby is it?

FuppingEll · 10/08/2023 12:14

When mine were small my mil liked having them by herself. I never really needed a break or whatever but I knew how much my mil liked having them and I like my mil so I let her take them. The baby didn't care and it made my mil very happy so for me it was worth forgoing a few hours a week with the baby to see her so happy. Your mil should respect your decision though if you don't want her seeing the baby without you.

Flossflower · 10/08/2023 12:42

tattygrl · 10/08/2023 10:58

I love your approach, OP. A tiny baby is utterly dependent on primary caregiver/s physiologically, emotionally, psychologically - and you are wired to feel the need to have your baby with you at all times, too. It's completely, absolutely fine (and I would argue, healthy) to respect this. It's for so short a time, too. I really am aghast that anyone would demand to see someone else's infant alone like that. I couldn't ever dream of it.

I totally agree with this. I am a grandmother and I think there seem to be some bonkers grandparents around. I have looked after my grandchildren while their parents work or have a night out. However this really hasn’t been before they are coming up to a year old and only when our children and their OHs are ready for this. I really do not understand grandparents who want to pretend they have a little baby of their own.

ArcticSkewer · 10/08/2023 12:43

Cosycover · 10/08/2023 08:32

What's your plan when you are at work?

I think you are overreacting tbh. It takes a village. The tables will turn one day when you need her. It's really not a big deal.

Would you want to be dependent on someone that stroppy?

lyralycra · 10/08/2023 12:50

Perhaps the grandmother misinterpreted it to mean that you don't trust her, OP?

Welcoming a new baby into a family is such a joyful thing. People want to get involved. They are not young babies for long. It's not about treating them like dollies. It's just such a precious and short-lived time in a child's life. She had probably just assumed she could take baby out maybe because that's what happened in her day and she's probably really disappointed.

Just reassure her that your reasons come from your and your partner's needs, that you want to bond with baby. She will understand once she's had time to process that information.

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