Granparent overreacting?

[Cantsleep23]

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

It's reasonable to expect this when the baby is four months old and the parents don't want it?

What a staggering level of entitlement.

Stick to what you both want. Tell her she's not having supervised visits you're both not ready for her to be put for hours without you and you are both bonding still with her. If it was me I would say she can watch her in house for a couple of hours in the house while hubby is working away while you get a nap or some you time. That might make a very good compromise for all but that's me I have 3 kids and had to go back to work when first born was 4mths so my mam had him from a young age when she wasn't working. Your baby your rules.

It's not really a changed story. She wanted her on Wednesday, set day set time no other time would be suitable for her. I am happy to leave my baby at home with her siblings or dad while I'm at work. Some evenings I might not finish work until 11pm and all I want to do is go home have a bath and go to bed. If mil was to have her while I was at work it would mean me dropping her off over an hour before I start and to pick her up it would either be a motorway and A road journey or an unlit B road journey to get to mil house and at 11pm I doubt any parent would want to do that especially with having a baby in the back of the car and her routine would be disrupted

However I don't really understand why you let your older children have sole charge of the baby but not the step-granny.

There is a massive difference between a sibling who lives in the same house as the mum/baby having care of the baby in their home that mum will be returning to than there is in a grandparent taking the baby out of their home disrupting the routine etc

YANBU

My Dear Nan used to come over most days to take my 6 month old out to the park for Me but that is a whole 2 months on from your DCs age.
She had just retired and had lost her own lovely Son, who died age 33, 9 years previously and it was like a new lease of Life and living for Her.

I think, looking back, I had mild PND really.

It doesn't matter a jot what anyone else would do, has done or thinks you should do, OP. You and your partner have decided that you aren't comfortable with this. That's all that matters. Her reaction to being told "No" would make me very wary of agreeing in the future.

My mil pushed me into this and then pushed my dc round the park in a pram for an hour crying, she then lied about it. Fil let it slip that dc was crying the whole time. If you’re not happy with it, ffs say no. It’s batshit actually.

Except for 10 hours at nursery I presume...that seems to be acceptable on MN but God forbid a MIL grandparent.

Except for 10 hours at nursery I presume...that seems to be acceptable on MN but God forbid a MIL grandparent.

I've seen very, very few posts (none that I can remember in fact) where posters have said their four month old baby is in nursery.

And on threads where posters have children under one in nursery, there are always plenty of posters ready to berate them for 'not wanting to raise their own baby' and similarly horrible comments.

It's not feeling entitled; many grandparents have their young grandchildren for a few hours here and there.

It's perfectly reasonable for grandparents to ask to take them out and it's perfectly reasonable for parents to say no.

It's not perfectly reasonable for the grandparents to then kick off.

Your baby, your rules. End of.

The answer should just be the time she asked wasn't suitable.
If you are comfortable mil having her another time then offer that.
You're not being unreasonable to say no when you're not available.
You're in your right to say no anytime, but if you leave her home with teenagers, i would offer mil an alternative time she can look after baby alone

She's not recognising that she only has a minor part in this play.
Not a starring role like the mother does.

How weird? Why does she need alone time with a baby??

We’ve had this with my mum and it’s a bit weird I think. She didn’t do it with my brothers kids as they are boys but she gets a bit obsessive over female grandchildren. She’s said she needs to spend alone time with my dd2 who is now 18 weeks as she needs to bond with her. My dd2 is actually technically 8 weeks due to being born at 29 weeks so is still quite behind developmentally. She can’t make bonds properly at the moment because of how delayed she is but my mum ignores this.

Mum wanted dd2 overnight. I said no. She said dd2 would be fine. She said she would co sleep with her and if she cries she’d put dd2 down the front of her nightie so she’d sleep better. Fuck me. No!

From bitter experience I wholeheartedly agree. No harm in asking/offering, but the reaction to being told no(t yet) is a clue as to how they think that relationship should be. Stick to your boundaries and they may, over time, learn to respect them and develop a lovely relationship with the DG and you. But they may well not...

Very, very few people are putting their four month old baby in nursery.

Where, exactly, did the SMIL want to take your baby (at that precise time/day/etc)? Did you ever find out where/why she wanted to take the other grandchild previously? To not talk to them for 2 years because they said she wasn’t taking out a tiny baby is just bizarre. Stick to your decisions and boundaries, OP - I think you’ll need your wits about you!

I'm also assuming the times when OP is working is not the time MIL wants to "help"

That isn't a normal grandparent request in my experience. I didn't let mine go with anyone until their were at least 1, usually later. No way would I let a 4 month old go, but I did breastfeed so that made it easier to decide.

OP has already said they have offered suggestions and compromises but the Step MIL doesn’t want to and only wants to spend time with OP’s baby alone.

No she’s being weird. Has she offered to take your other children out?

You said no and that's that! If you give in then they will keep asking. She's your baby and still so little.

Your child, your rules but I think you're being a bit "pfb" about the whole thing. When I opened the thread I assumed you were going to say they wanted her overnight, and you not wanting to wouldn't seem unreasonable at 4 months. But they don't. A few hours while they take her for a walk, to me that would be a godsend. You do you, OP but when the shoe is on the other foot and you need them to help out when she's a bit older, don't expect them to come running.

By the when, when if you ever get to the stage where you have 2 toddlers and 1 newborn, you'll be happily handing the newborn over, at 4 weeks, never mind 4 months! :-)

This.My Mum had my babies for an hour or two regularly ,so I could have my arms back for a while .