Granparent overreacting?

[Cantsleep23]

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

Her reaction is OTT and your behaviour is classic PFB.

What's PFB?

I don't think your MIL is overreacting by being a little put out. In her situation and with no explanation it might sound like a trust issue. Personally I can't see the problem with taking the baby for a few hours provided the timings suit you eg when your OH is at work or between naps etc. I don't really get that a few hours apart will hinder the bonding process.
But ultimately it's your decision and people need to accept that. It sounds like it's more about your anxiety rather than you don't trust her. Ensure she understands that.
As for those that say there's no need for her to 'take' the baby, I'd guess she just wanted time to bond herself without necessarily having to interact with you two. Surely it's clear that having a baby 'to yourself' would be a very different experience.
Have you any idea when you think you'd be comfortable being away from your baby? If you have other children, how did do this last time?

@YerArseInParsley

PFB = Perfect First Born

I haven’t read the thread but I’m surprised to see 13% voting YABU and no doubt you got some passion aggressive comments along those lines on here as well.

Of course YANBU. It’s your baby, a young baby, and no reason for her to be away from you. I find it quite weird how entitled some people are to someone else’s baby, from insisting on being the first to see the baby in the hospital to wanting to hold the baby when mum says no to requesting time alone with the baby. Bottom line - it’s your baby and up to you to decide.

very demanding! I'm sure they want to bond too, but they don't take precedence and what you're suggesting is just normal as we all get very hormonal and upset easily when our baby isn't there, so I can only assume the child would feel similar separation anxieties

It’s not weird if you’re asked to. It’s weird if you’re insisting on it.

If the parent would like help in this way, then great! If the grandparent/any other person is insisting on spending alone time with a very young baby, against the parents wishes, it’s rather odd.

So mil wanted baby on wed when you were both about

You work evenings and pay your older kids to babysit their sister , but if they are busy you will swap hours - boss very accommodating !!!!

Why not ask mil if she would like to babysit a night you are working

She can give her bedtime
Bottle and put her to bed

You say you don't want baby out and about

But happy for sister to take to shops in buggy

So why can't mil take baby for a walk round the block ?

Everyone is diff but it seems to come down to trust

My friends came over when mini blondes was born /few weeks old. Dh at work

They would come over for a hour or two and have my baby while I had a sleep during the day for couple of hours

Lost a lot of blood - Had 3 blood transitions and placenta erupted and messed operation few mins after giving birth so was very tired medically plus obv doing night feeds

Dh and I don't have mums /mil alive but if they were would have def let them have their gc for a hour or two to give a break /let them bond

You say your partner works away and hasn't bonded as much as would liked - don't let that shop her from
Bonding with their gc

Waits to be jumped on for being an awful mum who let her young baby go away from her

@Cantsleep23 don't give rise to the people who are saying you are wrong here. They are as idiotic ad your MIL!

I had very similar with my own mother when dd was born, demanding to come to the hospital after I had her (wasn't moved to delivery ward til 1am) regardless of what anyone said. I actually had to tell the nursing staff not to permit her entry if she showed up. She then decided she was giving dd her first bath and got pissy when I said no to that.

My MIL was dying at the time so I was taking dd in to the hospital every day. My mother decided this wasn't appropriate and told me I had to leave dd with her. She got pissy when I said no, she had years to spend with dd. MIL had a fee weeks at most a d if she couldn't see dd then neither would my mother. She shut up after that.

You have set your boundaries and offered alternatives. If your MIL cant respect that then that is her problem.

Good luck and I hope she calms down and sees sense!

We had this problem - with my dh sm. She was extremely pushy and demanding and saw our response as further evidence she wasn’t his ‘real mum’. It got worse to the point we stopped contact and fell out really badly. My ds is ND and had massive issues with sleep and food. He also had several operations on his ears as has hearing issues and was especially clingy to me. I wanted to wait until some of these issues were a bit better before he had joint sleep overs at GP with cousins but she wouldn’t have it. At 3 years old this became such a battle that I would turn up at a time they were supposed to spend 1/1 time with them and the cousins would be there ready. Then she would have a tantrum and say I had a problem with my SILs children which I don’t to my SIL
I felt like been the SGM to my child made it especially sensitive and easy for her to feel rejected by every boundary I put in place. It was a shame because before this we got on ok

You’re not an awful mum, but you have commented without reading all OP’s posts!

There is no letting MIL come over to babysit. MIL lives 10 miles away, and having MIL babysit would involve OP picking her up to come over and taking her back afterwards, presumably with baby in the car if older children aren’t around to then babysit while OP is driving! This would not be helping, just adding more work to OP’s working evening.

I did read all of op posts @CecilyP

Has op actually said come to mine and babysit gc while I'm at work rather then swap her shifts about if older kids are busy

Last bottle and Put her to bed

I get it Mil wants to take gc out for a walk etx - but also bedtime is nice

I’m still not understanding of the logistics the logistics of that. MIL either has to put baby to bed at OPs house which means she either has to stay the night or OP has to get baby up again to take MIL home. Or she puts baby to bed in her own house, so OP has to deliver baby to MIL before her shift. Then baby has to be collected again either that night or next morning!

What a palaver to facilitate an evening shift when you have 2 handy babysitters at home!

Having a different opinion doesn’t make a person idiotic. Being unable to accept a different opinion is idiotic and displays a lack of critical thinking.

Perhaps, you shouldn’t post in AIBU either since you’re being obsessively pedantic over something written in the original post and OP has explained through numerous posts the details of the situation.

The fact of the matter is SMIL was trying to demand time with a baby that is not hers and both parents have given her options in ways to “bond” with their baby and instead of accepting those options and showing she respects the parents’ wishes she has chosen to make it all about her not getting her way. She has already shown form for this with her own child and didn’t talk to them for two years over it. She is showing OP and her stepson that they rightly should not allow her to bond with their daughter due to her behaviour.

OP’s choice of words in her first post doesn’t negate that.

I think it’s lovely they are willing to take her and give you a rest and I would love to have such supportive grandparents. BUT your child, and if you aren’t comfortable with it then they should accept that. Definitely not making you feel bad, explain when she is older and you are ready then they will be having her but need to wait

So your issue isn't not wanting anyone else to care for baby but your mil? A 15 year old is fine but a grandmother isn't.

My thoughts as well @jannier

Yes mil wanted to take gc out and times /day wrong

But I don't think op has said come over to ours while I work and put her to bed and babysit gc

Obv op isn't going to drive to mil. Take daughter there for her to fall asleep and then drive to mil after work
And collect /wake dd to drive her home

But has she said come to mine ?

The OP can decide who she wants looking after her baby. She doesn't have to justify that to her MIL or anyone else.

The MIL has turned down multiple invitations to spend time with the baby so she really can't be that interested!

She asked for a specific date and time to be alone with the baby and was unnecessarily aggressive when told no - hardly a mature or constructive response likely to change the OP's mind!

I’ve always found that for parents who work outside the home, the time with their children is at a premium, and they didn’t want to give any of it up if they didn’t HAVE to. Which seems completely reasonable to me. Especially in this case when the baby is so young.

There IS a difference between baby being in her own home, with members of her immediate family and going off who knows where with grandma for hours. People who insist that if you’re working then you should be willing to let grandma have the baby on demand puzzle me. Nobody has to allow anyone to take their baby away for their own whims. Nobody is owed alone time with someone else’s child.

I’ve always found that for parents who work outside the home, the time with their children is at a premium, and they didn’t want to give any of it up if they didn’t HAVE to. Which seems completely reasonable to me. Especially in this case when the baby is so young.

Yes, that is exactly how I felt

And your post is bollocks!

how is it PFB to not want to hand over your 4m old baby for the day when you’re told expressly that you’re not going to be present

clue: it’s not.

All the control freak parents on here....and we wonder why there are so many kids growing up with anxiety issues now days 🙄. Its good for dc to spend time with other people ad although I think the grandmothers reaction was ott I would be offended if my Dil happily left my dgc in the care of a teenager but wouldn't allow me to look after them!

And all the handwringing “I’m offended” malarkey

nobody has a right not to be offended. A parent can make the decision to have her adult daughter look after her baby in her own home and not cave to her husband’s mother’s demands to have the baby alone away from the house at 4m old. It’s the baby’s mother’s decision.

be offended, get used to it. It’s not going to work to manipulate a mother into doing something that doesn’t work for her family.