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Original poster

Granparent overreacting?

305 replies

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

OP posts:
elenacampana · 10/08/2023 13:05

FeigningConcern · 10/08/2023 12:14

So you are happy to be away from your baby and for baby to be left with your, presumably, teenagers, but not with grandma.

So it's not really about not wanting to be away from baby is it?

Exactly what I thought when I saw the post about the older kids. Happy to pay teenagers to look after a young baby, not happy to allow an experienced adult look after a baby for free.

This looks more like it’s about control and keeping MIL in her place. No wonder MIL is fed up.

ArcticSkewer · 10/08/2023 13:08

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 13:05

Exactly what I thought when I saw the post about the older kids. Happy to pay teenagers to look after a young baby, not happy to allow an experienced adult look after a baby for free.

This looks more like it’s about control and keeping MIL in her place. No wonder MIL is fed up.

Show quote history

Again, really would you want to be dependent on someone for childcare when you go to a paid job if they are that stroppy and want everything their way or they throw a tantrum?

Why would that be a good idea?

When you have any kind of alternative at all really

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 13:09

ArcticSkewer · 10/08/2023 13:08

Again, really would you want to be dependent on someone for childcare when you go to a paid job if they are that stroppy and want everything their way or they throw a tantrum?

Why would that be a good idea?

When you have any kind of alternative at all really

Show quote history

Who knows when the stroppiness started… maybe it started after the MIL realised she wasn’t trusted but a couple of kids are?

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 13:29

OP has said she is 5 minutes away when her children babysit and that the baby is chilled out and has a routine. Bit different to MIL taking her out for a few hours during the day (I doubt MIL wants her in the evenings) at a time that wasn't convenient for OP or the baby. Parents have said they are happy to have her round or meet up, which sounds like a kind compromise, but she doesn't want that. They haven't said never just not at the moment while she is so young.

At the end of the day it is up to the parents what happens to their own child.

I would have been very unhappy to have a relative demand to take one of my children out.

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 14:06

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 13:29

OP has said she is 5 minutes away when her children babysit and that the baby is chilled out and has a routine. Bit different to MIL taking her out for a few hours during the day (I doubt MIL wants her in the evenings) at a time that wasn't convenient for OP or the baby. Parents have said they are happy to have her round or meet up, which sounds like a kind compromise, but she doesn't want that. They haven't said never just not at the moment while she is so young.

At the end of the day it is up to the parents what happens to their own child.

I would have been very unhappy to have a relative demand to take one of my children out.

Totally agree, it’s up to the parents. I have a child myself and I only allow what suits me/I deem best for my child. However, I do look at how my own MIL may interpret me a lot and I think she’d have her own spin on how I parent. I guess I just always wonder what the other side of posts like these are and I generally don’t think we should just accept that the OP is right, MIL is wrong and there’s no grey area.

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 14:08

*that should have read ‘no in between’ rather than grey area

Yogazmum · 10/08/2023 14:21

‘She’s our bloody granddaughter…’
Well she’s YOUR daughter!
I’ll never understand grandparents who need to take babies away for a few hours when they are so teeny! She won’t be offering to take the child when she’s 3 🤣🤣🤣

Just explain you’re still at that special bonding time and you don’t feel ready to let such a young baby be away from you. Just be firm and explain she’s more than welcome to come to you or take the baby round the block in the pram for half an hour etc…
My FIL and his wife were a bit like this… started talking about taking DS away on holiday abroad before he was even 1! As if! 🙄
Strangely they have never offered to babysit or take him on holiday now he’s older 🤣🤣🤣🤣

HauntedPencil · 10/08/2023 14:37

4 months is very young - why the burning need to take her out for a few hours? Plenty of time for that.

Laiste · 10/08/2023 14:39

The baby's grown up brother/sister looking after it for a couple of hours in it's own home, asleep it in it's own cot, by the sound of it, is not the same as MIL taking the baby 'out' for a few hours.

Out where? Where the bloody hell does she want to swan off to? and why?!

You can bond perfectly well with a baby in the family by regular visiting or having it visit you.

Wanting to be alone with it is wanting to play at being mummy, not being concerned about bonding.

Great way to bond with your grandchild by pissing off it's mum at month 4 🙄

Heronwatcher · 10/08/2023 14:46

She’s mad. Ask her why in particular she thinks that taking such a young baby away from everything that’s familiar to her is best FOR THE BABY! And absolutely stand your ground on this and anything else you’re not comfortable with at this early stage, give her an inch and I guarantee she’ll take a mile.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/08/2023 15:17

She’s a fucking maniac.

Who does she think she is?! Your baby is four months. No one has any ‘right’ to her. You’re the parents, you decide. That’s it.

Laugh in the mad woman’s face.

Original poster
Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 15:21

The day mil wanted our baby was they day I weren't working and my partner managed to finish work early. She was adamant she wanted her on this particular day and no others. My other children are nearly 19 and nearly 15 (massive age gap and yes I must be mad!!!)so old enough and mature enough to baby sit her and I will always say to them if I'm working on a day you want to spend with your friends then it isn't a problem and I will change my shift for a different day as my boss is amazing and will work around me

OP posts:
webster1987 · 10/08/2023 15:23

I can only imagine stepmum has never had children of her own. How insensitive.

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 15:30

I can see both sides.

Why are you so fearful to allow your baby's grandchild out with her?

Don't you want a break ?

Hibiscrubbed · 10/08/2023 15:33

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 15:30

I can see both sides.

Why are you so fearful to allow your baby's grandchild out with her?

Don't you want a break ?

Her baby is four months. She doesn’t want her baby being taken off by her husband’s SM so she can play mummies. No. That’s the end of it.

Original poster
Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 15:36

Mil wanted her at a set time on a set day, no compromise, literally her way or no way. We never physically said the word NO to her but gave her the option to come round or even meet us for some food. she lives a good 10 miles away and involves one of us doing a short motorway journey which I was happy to do but it weren't good enough. I have also found out today that the same thing happened with one of her other grandchildren and she wanted to take him off for a few hours and was told he was too young by both his mum and dad and that resulted in mil not talking to them for nearly 2 years
Yes I am happy to pay my children to look after their sister when her dad is away. She is at home last feed around 7.30 belly settled bath and bed. As crazy as it might seem, it's like our baby knows her own routine already and we don't want her routine being disrupted just so mil can have her own way

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 15:43

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 15:30

I can see both sides.

Why are you so fearful to allow your baby's grandchild out with her?

Don't you want a break ?

As crazy as it might sound no I don't want a break from her. I love spending time with her when I'm not working and tbh I get a break when I go to work. I had pnd after I gave birth and I made the choice to go back to work quite early just so I felt like I was a person again and not just a mum as it was a big shock going from working constantly for the last 13 years to suddenly being at home with a newborn and relying on my partner to be the main earner

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 10/08/2023 15:58

Cantsleep23 · 10/08/2023 15:36

Mil wanted her at a set time on a set day, no compromise, literally her way or no way. We never physically said the word NO to her but gave her the option to come round or even meet us for some food. she lives a good 10 miles away and involves one of us doing a short motorway journey which I was happy to do but it weren't good enough. I have also found out today that the same thing happened with one of her other grandchildren and she wanted to take him off for a few hours and was told he was too young by both his mum and dad and that resulted in mil not talking to them for nearly 2 years
Yes I am happy to pay my children to look after their sister when her dad is away. She is at home last feed around 7.30 belly settled bath and bed. As crazy as it might seem, it's like our baby knows her own routine already and we don't want her routine being disrupted just so mil can have her own way

You don't need to defend yourself.

It pisses me off how common this is. It's so bloody RUDE, why don't they just say outright we don't want you there ?

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:06

Who's doing the childcare when your working as you say you work part time? If it's your mother she maybe feeling pushed out.

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:12

Cosycover · 10/08/2023 08:32

What's your plan when you are at work?

I think you are overreacting tbh. It takes a village. The tables will turn one day when you need her. It's really not a big deal.

As op says she works part time it sounds like she is back to work.

gettingoldisshit · 10/08/2023 16:49

I find it a bit strange that you are happy to leave your baby in the care of your older dc for a few hours but not your mil? However mil's reaction is over the top!

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 10/08/2023 16:52

I don't think leaving baby so you can go to work and leaving baby just because MIL said you should is the same.

ArcticSkewer · 10/08/2023 17:03

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 13:09

Who knows when the stroppiness started… maybe it started after the MIL realised she wasn’t trusted but a couple of kids are?

Show quote history

Yes, maybe it did.

See my point again.

Why would you want to be reliant for childcare when working on someone who throws tantrums like that?

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 17:46

ArcticSkewer · 10/08/2023 17:03

Yes, maybe it did.

See my point again.

Why would you want to be reliant for childcare when working on someone who throws tantrums like that?

Show quote history

I can’t be arsed with you making the same point over and over again without being able to give any thought to anyone else’s point of view.

#out

diddl · 10/08/2023 18:00

It's surely not about not trusting MIL?

Op & her husband were both at home at the time & didn't want time away from their daughter.

I wouldn't give up time with my kids for someone else just because they wanted it!

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