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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potientally not be able to attend father in laws funeral

176 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 22:03

We live a 5 hour drive away from where FIL & MIL live.
The funeral is sometime this month (not sure what exact date yet). DH wants me to go with him for moral support and I want to be there too however I honestly can’t see how we are going to be able to afford for me to go along.
No matter what DH will be going but we are on our arse in terms of money. No savings whatsoever and our disposable income won’t allow us to have a few hundred spare to cover fuel, food, drink, hotel and the funeral flowers he needs to get for his dad. His mum has said she won’t have room spare at her home for the both of us as DH’s brother partner and daughter are staying there.

Have suggested to DH me trying to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere as my sister has offered to have the kids for me to go with him.

OP posts:
DropCloths · 08/08/2023 22:05

Do you need to stay in a hotel? Could you not do it as a day trip- by train if you don’t feel comfortable driving.

I’d do whatever I could to go, tbh.

LadyGAgain · 08/08/2023 22:07

Surely there's a family friend who would support you at this sad time? Sorry for your loss.

underneaththeash · 08/08/2023 22:07

Can you not just sleep on the sofa at your MILs?

jenbj · 08/08/2023 22:08

Your DH wants you with him. That's what matters. It's his dad's funeral. You'll find a way. Even if it's expensive it's a once in a lifetime thing and it's important. Just find a way for your DH. You'll regret it if you don't.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/08/2023 22:08

Could you just go for the day? Maybe you could return alone and your DH could stay?

Could he talk to his family about money? It is really important that you both go.

Whaleandsnail6 · 08/08/2023 22:11

Could you go and sleep on the floor/camp bed at mils in whatever room your husband is staying in? That way it shouldnt cost more for two of you to go than just your husband (providing he is driving)

Its a horrible situation to be worried about money as well as the loss of a loved one 💐

RaininSummer · 08/08/2023 22:11

If your partner is going then surely it won't cost much more for you to go with him will it. Or you having to travel separately?

Pepperama · 08/08/2023 22:13

I’d definitely try to go, you can’t let your DH stand there on his own without you. Just throwing out ideas in case useful …
Youth hostel / tent if absolutely necessary and no nearby friends or family?
Taking a picnic/breakfast items for the next day?
Long distance buses if that’s an option - often much cheaper than trains
probably not enough time for a council emergency grant?

ScribblingPixie · 08/08/2023 22:13

Find a way, OP. It's so important that you're there for your DH. You can have a doze in the car and drive straight back if you have to. You can take food in a cool box and a simple bunch of white roses or similar with you rather than pay over the odds for a bouquet to a local florist.

Ohmylovejune · 08/08/2023 22:15

Some people drove for hours to my Mums and then home again. Another stayed but at a cheap motorway travelodge rather than a local hotel.

Hbh17 · 08/08/2023 22:17

A hotel will cost the same for one person as it does for 2.
Or sleep on the floor/sofa with family.
You have to pay for food at home, so eating away for a day or two makes no difference.
If you drive, then the fuel is the same for one person as for 2.
You don't need flowers - they are a huge waste of money at funerals.
What drink would you need to buy?
I'm struggling to see where the excess costs come in (except perhaps train fares if no car).

stonebrambleboy · 08/08/2023 22:18

ScribblingPixie · 08/08/2023 22:13

Find a way, OP. It's so important that you're there for your DH. You can have a doze in the car and drive straight back if you have to. You can take food in a cool box and a simple bunch of white roses or similar with you rather than pay over the odds for a bouquet to a local florist.

All good suggestions.
Surely there will be a wake after the funeral and that food won't cost you anything. You must go with him.

GuinnessBird · 08/08/2023 22:19

I would be moving heaven and earth to go, a lot of the costs you mentioned will happen even if just your DH went.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 22:21

He doesn't need to get flowers. There will be plenty there and it's ridiculous to put money on that when you're this broke.

Hotel? How far are you talking? Are there any other friends/family near by? Does MIL have spare floor?

Work? This is where you need him to look at the numbers and work out what can be done.
The reality is that the living need to take priority.

AndyMcFlurry · 08/08/2023 22:24

Drive there the evening before , take food from home and stay over night in a travel lodge or cheap air BnB.

Buy a bouquet of flowers from supermarket, you will get a lovely big bunch for £25.

Go to funeral and drive home afterwards. Buy some sandwiches and coffee in a supermarket for your trip.

You wont be several hundred £ on fuel, I just did a trip on the Uk that was 5.5 hours away and it used a whole tank of fuel, so about £100. I have a medium / big old car so I’d you have a smaller one it will be more fuel Efficient.

Don’t buy new outfits, anything smarting and darkish is fine. Borrow if you have to.

So it won’t be dirt cheap but possible on £200.

Sorry for your loss and that your finances are so tight right now.

Kitkatcatflap · 08/08/2023 22:25

Anything to sell on Facebook market place or Gumtree etc. Sell cheap to get some instant cash

Look into cheap coaches.

Forget the flowers, no one will notice. You presence will be more important than a few blooms
Make pasta salad to eat on the journey fill up water bottles.

IveHadItUpToHere · 08/08/2023 22:27

Sorry for your loss.
You should go. It won't cost much more for you to go if your DH is already going anyway. I also agree with PP, to get DH to see if the wider family can put you up.

stonebrambleboy · 08/08/2023 22:30

Instead of flowers you could buy a small flowering plant/rose bush at some point in the future when finances allow and plant it in MIL's garden for her.

TheUsualChaos · 08/08/2023 22:32

Buy a cheap airbed or even better borrow one if you can and take your bedding with you and camp on MIL living room floor for the night to save on hotel. Food can be super cheap, you don't need to eat out, surely MIL will be happy for you to eat at her house? I agree with others that you need to try and go.

GuardiansPlayList · 08/08/2023 22:32

Sorry for your loss OP.
Flowers from the garden can look beautiful and much more meaningful than buying an expensive arrangement. We did this for my dad and had so many positive comments.
You don’t need a hotel - just sleep on the sofa at your MIL.
Food - you can eat at the wake or take your own with you. Sandwiches and crisps etc will be fine to last.
Taking you in the car with your DH will cost no more in petrol than him going on his own.
I think you could go.

UsingChangeofName · 08/08/2023 22:32

If he is driving, then it isn't going to cost anymore for there being 2 of you in the car.
Can you not just kip down on the floor somewhere ?
If not at his Mum's (which seems strange she wouldn't want to make this happen), then, if he is going "home", he must have other people there he knows that he could ask.
However, if he is staying somewhere he has to pay for, again it isn't going to cost more for 2 than for one.
It is really important that you go. You can't let lack of money stand in the way.
Not ideal, but - depending on the time of the funeral - even if you drive there and come home that night.
He doesn't need to buy flowers - the flowers on the coffin will surely be "from widow and both sons and families"

AnnaMagnani · 08/08/2023 22:32

Forget the flowers. Lots of funerals just have the ones that go with the funeral package.

Stay one night in an AirBnB. One where someone is letting a spare room. Much much cheaper than a Travelodge, which aren't cheap anymore.

Wear something you already own that looks smart. Not been to an all black funeral in a long time, mostly it is just people ensuring they wear something that isn't shabby/outright offensive.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 22:35

I'm so sorry. I'd splash out for hotel if you can to support him- he only had one dad and this will happen once, maybe dp could credit card it and not contribute financially to flowers?

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 22:35

Are you having to pay towards the funeral?

I am sure your FIL would not have wanted you to get into debt for his funeral

JaukiVexnoydi · 08/08/2023 22:36

It's a huge assumption to say that you can't afford a hotel so won't go. You work out what you can afford and what you can get for that.

PP have already suggested camping.

Friends of your MIL and late FIL will be regularly saying "let me know if there's anything I can do" - one of them may be able to offer a room.

If the ceremony is going to be religious, the minister can easily be asked for help finding accommodation to enable the deceased's son to attend with his family. If it's not going to be a religious ceremony the local church would still be a place to ask, just a little more awkward.

Lots of people are on holiday this time of year. Someone who is going on holiday may be happy to allow you to use their home while they are away. Join the local facebook group for the area and ask.