Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potientally not be able to attend father in laws funeral

176 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 22:03

We live a 5 hour drive away from where FIL & MIL live.
The funeral is sometime this month (not sure what exact date yet). DH wants me to go with him for moral support and I want to be there too however I honestly can’t see how we are going to be able to afford for me to go along.
No matter what DH will be going but we are on our arse in terms of money. No savings whatsoever and our disposable income won’t allow us to have a few hundred spare to cover fuel, food, drink, hotel and the funeral flowers he needs to get for his dad. His mum has said she won’t have room spare at her home for the both of us as DH’s brother partner and daughter are staying there.

Have suggested to DH me trying to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere as my sister has offered to have the kids for me to go with him.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 08/08/2023 22:39

It should not cost hundreds of pounds.
explain you cannot afford to chip in for flowers but will pay back when you have the money for your share of they might have donations only which you can maybe do later.
you don't need to eat out.
N ot sure why you are saying more expensive if two go?I
you really should be with him regardless of cost.

CloverHilla · 08/08/2023 22:40

I'm sorry for your / your DH loss. Absolutely nothing would stop me from going with my DH in this situation.
Prioritise costs; is there anyone you can stay with? Family, friend, neighbour???
Do you need to spend £££ on flowers?

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 08/08/2023 22:42

Aren't most hotels priced for per person per night? So it would cost more?

MossCow · 08/08/2023 22:44

This s your husband's father's funeral and he wants you to go.

You work around the financial issue.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 22:45

Why do you need a few hundred quid?

Just get a really cheap hotel room (even if it’s slightly out of the way) and get some food from Asda.

If both you and DH drive then you can just take in turns and won’t need to stay over.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 22:47

MossCow · 08/08/2023 22:44

This s your husband's father's funeral and he wants you to go.

You work around the financial issue.

You do know if the money isn't there all the will in the world won't make it appear.

If people are really suggesting OP get into debt for this then it's no surprise some people are financially fucked

NoSquirrels · 08/08/2023 22:50

If your DH is going, and can’t be put up by family, you going won’t cost any extra.

Fuel - spending it anyway.
Flowers - spending it anyway.

Hotel is the biggest spend. Is there no one in the extended family who could put you both up?

Food and drink you can economise on.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 08/08/2023 22:52

Even if the funeral is at say 11, you can get there without having to stay over. Leave at 4am, go to mils, coffee, breakfast (toast), then the funeral - stay for a few hours at the wake to support MIL, eat there, then drive home. You sleep on the way there while dh drives, then you drive back so he can rest. It's his fathers funeral - you do kinda have to make it work

NoSquirrels · 08/08/2023 22:52

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 08/08/2023 22:42

Aren't most hotels priced for per person per night? So it would cost more?

No. Most are per room per night. Two people is usually not twice as much as one. If we’re talking Travelodge or whatever it’s the same for one person as two - it’s charged per room.

Runkle · 08/08/2023 22:53

I'd sleep on the floor (you could take duvet and pillows with you) to support my husband.

MossCow · 08/08/2023 22:58

You do know if the money isn't there all the will in the world won't make it appear.

Sure I do but two people going instead of one does not increase the costs by so much that she shouldn't go to her father in law's funeral.

You find somewhere to sleep if you can't find a hotel when it's important.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 22:59

RaininSummer · 08/08/2023 22:11

If your partner is going then surely it won't cost much more for you to go with him will it. Or you having to travel separately?

MIL only has space for him to stay on the sofa so me going to will mean having to probably book an hotel for a couple of nights at least because it’s a 10 hour round trip

OP posts:
DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 22:59

MossCow · 08/08/2023 22:58

You do know if the money isn't there all the will in the world won't make it appear.

Sure I do but two people going instead of one does not increase the costs by so much that she shouldn't go to her father in law's funeral.

You find somewhere to sleep if you can't find a hotel when it's important.

But by the sounds of it he can't afford a hotel room.
Grief is probably not making him think straight but if he needs to be told no he needs to thi k of a cost effective solution

Motnight · 08/08/2023 23:00

It seems from Op's post that she can't stay with her DH at his mother's.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:01

DropCloths · 08/08/2023 22:05

Do you need to stay in a hotel? Could you not do it as a day trip- by train if you don’t feel comfortable driving.

I’d do whatever I could to go, tbh.

By car it’s a 10 hour round trip, DH would be driving and he wants us to stay for a couple of nights so that he can see his mum and brothers etc

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 08/08/2023 23:01

Maybe have a word with MIL explaining your precarious financial situation and maybe she could suggest a friend who could accommodate you both just for one night. It's not ideal I know but if push comes to shove and you're driving maybe sleep in the car in a couple of duvets, we've done that before in an emergency situation. The important thing is being there and supporting your husband at this awful time.

Gazelda · 08/08/2023 23:02

Can you borrow a blow up bed?

You don't need to spend more than 1 night there, surely?

Is there another relative you could stay with?

a premier inn or travel lodge wouldn't be more than £100.
I really think you need to go if possible. And look at how you could make it affordable.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:03

underneaththeash · 08/08/2023 22:07

Can you not just sleep on the sofa at your MILs?

It’s a tiny sofa so would only be enough room for DH. I’d sleep in the car if I had to just to
make sure I’m there with him. I honestly just wish we were in a position to have some savings to one side for situations like this. I guess like anything you never know when these things are going to happen

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:05

jenbj · 08/08/2023 22:08

Your DH wants you with him. That's what matters. It's his dad's funeral. You'll find a way. Even if it's expensive it's a once in a lifetime thing and it's important. Just find a way for your DH. You'll regret it if you don't.

Yes I would regret it. I need to be there with him so I’ve sorted out arrangements for my sister to look after the kids. He has said in the worst case scenario we can just go for one night but I know he wants to stay longer because of the travelling time & being able to spend some quality time with his mum and brothers too at this time

OP posts:
Healthyalltheway · 08/08/2023 23:06

One of you sleep on the sofa the other on the floor with an air mattress or layers of blankets etc to make it comfortable on the floor. You need to go, and his family needs to understand the financials so it is clear they need to assist - they are family. Or your DH needs to ask family to find a bed for both of you with other friends of your MIL etc. there will be space or a solution somewhere if you are open and persistent in wanting to go. If you don't go, it is one of those things that can be seen as a slight in times of grief by in-laws and could cause issues later - even subconsciously, let alone your husband needs you and wants you. One of you can sleep in the car at MIL house, or borrow a tent, sleep on another relatives house on the sofa, or a close family friends house on the sofa - there are ways, you need to speak up, it won't be comfortable, but it is doable. Bring your own food - bread and cheese etc - basics, you would be eating at home so no extra cost.

Literally ask , and keep on asking until the family help find a solution - this is important for all of you.

Salome61 · 08/08/2023 23:07

I do hope you can go. Perhaps someone could lend you a blow up bed?

Throckmorton · 08/08/2023 23:08

Could one of you sleep on the floor, in the same room as the sofa? You could take up spare duvets and pillows to make it more comfy.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:08

Xmasbaby11 · 08/08/2023 22:08

Could you just go for the day? Maybe you could return alone and your DH could stay?

Could he talk to his family about money? It is really important that you both go.

We could yes though it’s a lot of travelling in a day especially when it’s DH driving. He isn’t coping too well at the moment with the death so I wouldn’t want him driving that long on the day of the funeral if we can avoid it. He has said perhaps we can just do one night there with money being tight. I just want what’s best for him and I know he’d like some quality time with the family too so I’m trying my best to make that happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:10

Whaleandsnail6 · 08/08/2023 22:11

Could you go and sleep on the floor/camp bed at mils in whatever room your husband is staying in? That way it shouldnt cost more for two of you to go than just your husband (providing he is driving)

Its a horrible situation to be worried about money as well as the loss of a loved one 💐

Yeah that’s a possibility - tho MIL hasn’t actually said we can both stay there. When he asked her whether there are any beds free there for the funeral she said his brother partner and daughter were staying and then suggested some local B&B’s

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 08/08/2023 23:12

I think you can't beat around the bush on this. "I'm sorry we can't afford the B&Bs, we'll take sofa please and bring an air bed and bedding".