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Original poster

To potientally not be able to attend father in laws funeral

176 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 22:03

We live a 5 hour drive away from where FIL & MIL live.
The funeral is sometime this month (not sure what exact date yet). DH wants me to go with him for moral support and I want to be there too however I honestly can’t see how we are going to be able to afford for me to go along.
No matter what DH will be going but we are on our arse in terms of money. No savings whatsoever and our disposable income won’t allow us to have a few hundred spare to cover fuel, food, drink, hotel and the funeral flowers he needs to get for his dad. His mum has said she won’t have room spare at her home for the both of us as DH’s brother partner and daughter are staying there.

Have suggested to DH me trying to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere as my sister has offered to have the kids for me to go with him.

OP posts:
CleverLilViper · 09/08/2023 19:04

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 22:47

You do know if the money isn't there all the will in the world won't make it appear.

If people are really suggesting OP get into debt for this then it's no surprise some people are financially fucked

Show quote history

This.

I do think it's important to try to attend the funeral, but if your finances won't allow it, they won't allow it. It's not like you can just magic up the money out of nowhere. Unless someone on MN knows of a magic money tree in which case...let me know.

Also, for those who suggest camping-how many people just have camping gear lying around? I'd bet not many.

If you're on the bare bones of your arse, and scraping together just enough to get by, it can simply be a matter of can't, rather than won't. The suggestion to get into debt for this is absolutely ridiculous. No wonder people end up in compromising financial situations with suggestions like that flying around casually.

You have to be realistic. Do all that you can to try and make it work-look at cheap hotels, coaches, getting their and back in a day (but I absolutely understand why this may not be workable) youth hostels if there's any nearby-but make sure you don't get into debt and don't leave yourself without the necessities to cover it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2023 19:22

If your husband is returning to his hometown, I'm sure any one of his old friends would put you both up. I can understand family being inundated, but that won't be an issue with friends.

You should attend your FIL's funeral, but spending £100 on flowers is totally unnecessary.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 20:29

Hi everyone,

Just a bit of an update - DH has spoken to his brother who lives abroad and he is planning to stay with MIL. His other brother has his daughters and their partners staying over so we definitely do have to look at other options of places to stay.

R.E the flowers his older brother who lives near his mum has said they are all doing own flowers and he is having a dad wreath made and has said it’s up to DH if he wants to do the same. This I find really bizzare tbh as normally siblings get one but hey ho. I know this is going to make DH feel like he has to do the same so that he doesn’t look like the odd one out I guess.

I’ve told him no matter what I’ll be there if he needs me to be - even if I have to sleep in the car with a duvet for a couple of nights. Not ideal but I need to be there with him for this

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 09/08/2023 20:41

The thing is, anyone at the funeral, or who sees the hearse passing, or whoever it is the brother wants to see 'Dad' spelled out in flowers, will just assume they are from all the dc of the person who has died. As that is the 'normal' thing.

Unless the brother is going to put a huge sign next to it saying "these are ONLY from dc2" (or whichever brother he is).

Sorry, can't remember who posted
Flowers on the coffin are usually from the main family or husband / wife.
Then family members also get flowers separately.

Not my experience at all, and I have been to a LOT of funerals (incl 6 so far this year) so quite a range of different funerals.

Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 20:43

Bonkers to have 3 similar wreaths made up, and people comparing them.
I'd be tempted to step back, and say us all spending wads on flowers is daft, we'll make a donation to xxxx charity instead.

Then nobody knows how much you'd donated and the money isn't going to waste.

ScribblingPixie · 09/08/2023 20:45

R.E the flowers his older brother who lives near his mum has said they are all doing own flowers and he is having a dad wreath made and has said it’s up to DH if he wants to do the same. This I find really bizzare tbh as normally siblings get one but hey ho. I know this is going to make DH feel like he has to do the same so that he doesn’t look like the odd one out I guess.

I would definitely take this as a cue to have a simple, beautiful bunch of white roses, lilies, tulips or similar which will be much more affordable and look beautiful with a decorative tie. The idea of more than one wreath with 'dad' on it is a bit odd.

Hbh17 · 09/08/2023 20:53

At my father in law's funeral, there weren't enough beds for everyone to stay the night, so I was lodged with a family friend. I didn't know her well at all, but she was kind and provided a bed for the night, so it was fine.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2023 21:07

I’ve told him no matter what I’ll be there if he needs me to be - even if I have to sleep in the car with a duvet for a couple of nights. Not ideal but I need to be there with him for this

There will be no need for this if he asks one of his old friends to put you both up.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 21:38

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2023 21:07

I’ve told him no matter what I’ll be there if he needs me to be - even if I have to sleep in the car with a duvet for a couple of nights. Not ideal but I need to be there with him for this

There will be no need for this if he asks one of his old friends to put you both up.

He isn’t in contact with any old friends. He’s been living in wales for over half his life

OP posts:
rosiebl · 09/08/2023 21:40

Whereabouts is the funeral taking place OP? A general location. Perhaps there is someone on MN who knows of a local option for you.

MaggieFS · 09/08/2023 21:44

Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 20:29

Hi everyone,

Just a bit of an update - DH has spoken to his brother who lives abroad and he is planning to stay with MIL. His other brother has his daughters and their partners staying over so we definitely do have to look at other options of places to stay.

R.E the flowers his older brother who lives near his mum has said they are all doing own flowers and he is having a dad wreath made and has said it’s up to DH if he wants to do the same. This I find really bizzare tbh as normally siblings get one but hey ho. I know this is going to make DH feel like he has to do the same so that he doesn’t look like the odd one out I guess.

I’ve told him no matter what I’ll be there if he needs me to be - even if I have to sleep in the car with a duvet for a couple of nights. Not ideal but I need to be there with him for this

Why can't your DH also be "planning to say with MIL". I still don't get it,

I'm sorry it's such a horrid situation. You're being such a great support, I'm sure it will all come good once the date is finalised.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 21:46

MaggieFS · 09/08/2023 21:44

Why can't your DH also be "planning to say with MIL". I still don't get it,

I'm sorry it's such a horrid situation. You're being such a great support, I'm sure it will all come good once the date is finalised.

Show quote history

Well she hasn’t offered us to stay - both her spare rooms are being taken up by his brother & his family and her living room isn’t big enough to swing a cat in. All she keeps suggesting is names of local B&B’s. DH has said to her in the worst case scenario we will just have to stay in a hotel for a night (and even that’s pushing it atm).

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 21:51

MaggieFS · 09/08/2023 21:44

Why can't your DH also be "planning to say with MIL". I still don't get it,

I'm sorry it's such a horrid situation. You're being such a great support, I'm sure it will all come good once the date is finalised.

Show quote history

Also thank you - I’m trying my best to support him as much as I can at present and take as much stress off him what I possibly can but there are certain things he has to do I.e speaking to family about sleeping arrangements, flowers etc. i know if it was the other way round my brother and sister would be more than willing to accommodate us anyway they could - sleeping on a air mattress or whatever but all families are different I suppose. We get to see his family once or twice a year if we are lucky and we’ve been together 11 years

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 21:55

Has he not got any Aunties or cousins who'd put you both up for a night.

HaveHadKenough · 09/08/2023 22:00

I've put up friends of friends willingly in this situation and know others who have but you have to ask around for someone to offer.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:05

I’m really not sure. I’ve only met his immediate family so I don’t know about aunties cousins etc. hopefully someone might offer

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2023 22:07

Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:05

I’m really not sure. I’ve only met his immediate family so I don’t know about aunties cousins etc. hopefully someone might offer

I'm sure they will if he asks them - otherwise they won't know to offer.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:10

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2023 22:07

I'm sure they will if he asks them - otherwise they won't know to offer.

Show quote history

I’ll suggest this to him though I’m not sure if he’s in contact with them/if they are still alive. His parents are elderly and I know quite a few people have passed away in his family but I will mention it

OP posts:
Augend23 · 09/08/2023 22:13

The suggestion about doing something completely different is a good one re flowers - i.e. a donation or not a wreath.

I think I'd also think about what his dad would want - mine absolutely wouldn't want me putting myself out to the tune of money I couldn't afford.

I've had success in the past purchasing cellophane from a florist or craft shop, and then making up my own bouquet from Asda or similar flowers. My local supermarket would do you two bunches of lilies and some roses for maybe £15 max which I'd then top up with foliage from the garden. Takes maybe 20 minutes of faffing but I've produced some very nice bouquets.

girlfriend44 · 09/08/2023 22:13

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:08

We could yes though it’s a lot of travelling in a day especially when it’s DH driving. He isn’t coping too well at the moment with the death so I wouldn’t want him driving that long on the day of the funeral if we can avoid it. He has said perhaps we can just do one night there with money being tight. I just want what’s best for him and I know he’d like some quality time with the family too so I’m trying my best to make that happen.

Show quote history

Don't blame you, nobody should be driving 10 hours return trip in a day anyway, madness.

Your.mil dosent sound too helpful. Why does the brother have priority staying over you. Where does he live?

Considering your distance your mil could be a bit more helpful.

littlemisslozza · 09/08/2023 22:18

Can't you take charge here and sort it out? I'm assuming you know your in-laws and could explain that money is tight to MIL and ask her if you can stay? Camping in the garden if necessary but you need to actually speak to them and say that you can't afford a hotel. You would also be crazy to take out any sort of loan for flowers - absolutely no need.

Good luck, hope it goes as well as these things can.

studentgrant · 09/08/2023 22:21

It was legal to feed. Nobody else's opinion matters.

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 22:25

I am genuinely not trying to sound awful but your posts are so confusing to me.

So is not liked by his family?
It's coming across like he's not actually wanted or liked by them

MIL hasn't offered? She's his mum. Would this not be a "mum can I stay" why won't he just use his words?! Ask people directly?

The flowers? "Hey, why aren't we pooling together? I've looked at the prices and that's way out of our budget right now."

"Hey family we are struggling with arrangements can anyone help?"

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:26

littlemisslozza · 09/08/2023 22:18

Can't you take charge here and sort it out? I'm assuming you know your in-laws and could explain that money is tight to MIL and ask her if you can stay? Camping in the garden if necessary but you need to actually speak to them and say that you can't afford a hotel. You would also be crazy to take out any sort of loan for flowers - absolutely no need.

Good luck, hope it goes as well as these things can.

I don’t actually speak to them generally without DH there - I don’t know them that well really probably seen them in person around 8 times in the same of the time me and DH has been together as they live so far away. It’s always been a day or two here and there when we could afford to visit type of thing. I don’t want it to look like I’m ‘butting in’ if that makes sense. My priority is DH right now and just making sure he’s ok. His family dynamic is obviously very different to mine and I don’t want to intrude. It doesn’t seem like he wants to be open with them about how our financial situation is so I dunno 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 22:30

Ask the local brother for names/numbers of other family members (or friends of his) and start contacting them to see if you can stay with them. I appreciate that this is a difficult time but you might need to be a bit more proactive to sort this out. No one is just going to offer you a bed if they don't know that you need it. I would also suggest that you do this rather than have DH do it. I may be reading too much into it but it seems there is an odd/strained dynamic in place between the siblings so don't assume your DH will even ask.