Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potientally not be able to attend father in laws funeral

176 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 22:03

We live a 5 hour drive away from where FIL & MIL live.
The funeral is sometime this month (not sure what exact date yet). DH wants me to go with him for moral support and I want to be there too however I honestly can’t see how we are going to be able to afford for me to go along.
No matter what DH will be going but we are on our arse in terms of money. No savings whatsoever and our disposable income won’t allow us to have a few hundred spare to cover fuel, food, drink, hotel and the funeral flowers he needs to get for his dad. His mum has said she won’t have room spare at her home for the both of us as DH’s brother partner and daughter are staying there.

Have suggested to DH me trying to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere as my sister has offered to have the kids for me to go with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:33

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:26

I think you've got to bounce it back to DH.

How does he plan to resolve this? Where is he thinking the money is coming from?

Show quote history

Well this is it - I had a chat with him today about the money issue and said that I just don’t know how we can do it in terms of hotel & all the added extras when we are just scraping by at the moment. I have said to him I’ll do what I can to get some money together cause I know he wants me there but it’s now at the stage where no matter what way we do it I’m gonna have to get in more debt - either via a loan or borrowing money off my dad. I’m embarrassed to ask my dad tbh - I know he will lend it but still.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:34

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:17

Why aren't his family working with him to prioritise his attendance?

I have no idea, I’m literally catching snippets of conversation here and there and then DH will say MIL said this or my brother said that etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:35

Quartz2208 · 08/08/2023 23:14

We have just done a 10 hour round trip with one night so it is perf3ctky doable. Particularly if you travel early in the morning - leave v early have the full day and then after lunch the next day.

Yes in the worst case scenario this could work

OP posts:
DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:36

I understand he's grieving. But he doesn't get to keep taking money from your Dad while putting on a rich front to his family

He needs to come clean. He needs to either ask to borrow mo ey or resources from them.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:37

TheUsualChaos · 08/08/2023 23:20

It feels odd that so many other family members are being accommodated whilst DH is expected to find a B&B. It's hard but your DH might have to be straight with her and say money is very tight and simply can't afford to pay for two nights accommodation. Surely there is someone who can at least offer a sofa or a floor to camp on.

I’m hoping someone will. We don’t have a date yet as waiting on coroners report but as I said to DH if no one offers us then we need to book somewhere to stay asap really as places get booked up and sometimes with places like travel lodge it’s cheaper to book earlier

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 08/08/2023 23:39

So now you have said that at least one of his brothers is also strapped for cash. So if both of them say "Let's just do one wreath, or bunch of flowers from the family" that will be what it is.

I mean, (fortunately) we weren't in your position when either of my parents died, and could have spent more, but we knew that they would have been cross at the waste at the very idea of each of use getting not only separate bunches of flowers, but separate 'displays' which cost a fortune and are just going to sit at the crem or at the grave until they die.
It really is silly to pay out hundreds of £££ between them when at least 2 of them don't have spare money at the moment (as many families don't).

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:39

inloveonholiday · 08/08/2023 23:25

Youth hostel family room should be affordable but may be booked up.

Could you ask MIL if any of her friends might be able to put you up for two nights? Just tell her the B&B were out of your price range but thank her for trying.

Do any of the family who live in the area have friends that could accommodate you for a few nights? I'd be asking his brother.

Our in laws live a ten hour round trip too and hotels are so expensive.

I have looked at airbnb as another option but none nearby to where we are gonna and/or already booked up.

im hoping he will speak to his brother soon to see if he can perhaps suggest anything.

OP posts:
wingingit1987 · 08/08/2023 23:40

Does DH have any other family even within an hour of his hometown who could put you up?
Just be honest with family re.finances. It’s nonsensical to get into debt over flowers.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:41

wingingit1987 · 08/08/2023 23:40

Does DH have any other family even within an hour of his hometown who could put you up?
Just be honest with family re.finances. It’s nonsensical to get into debt over flowers.

He has two brothers - one lives near to where the funeral is and the other one lives abroad. His brother who lives nearby house is gonna be full with his daughters and their partners attending etc

OP posts:
wingingit1987 · 08/08/2023 23:46

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:41

He has two brothers - one lives near to where the funeral is and the other one lives abroad. His brother who lives nearby house is gonna be full with his daughters and their partners attending etc

Show quote history

I would skip the flowers and use what money you gave for a night in a b&b. Split the driving between you if you can.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:46

MaggieFS · 08/08/2023 23:28

I mean this kindly as I know your husband is grieving, but £105 on flowers when you are broke is crackers. Much as he's been told to do his own flowers, he could ask if anyone wants to join getting the letters, and if not, get flowers of a meaningful variety or colour instead? The flowers will just get left on the grave or taken home from the crematorium. Your presence there is far more important.

(And it also sounds like he needs to stick up for himself a bit more; why is everyone else getting accommodated and deciding the flower decisions? I appreciate now is NOT the time, but it doesn't sound very fair. Please don't take out a loan or get into debt for this).

This is the thing I don’t think he will speak up about this - maybe he’s too afraid of upsetting anyone especially at this time. I don’t get the idea of own flowers - surely as a family you work together to combine the cost of flowers. If he was an only child fair enough but he does have two brothers and it seems a bit nuts to have three wreaths with dad on?

OP posts:
Bluebirds1987 · 08/08/2023 23:47

As a PP has said, I'd be asking MIL or any other family local to her to take up the offers of "if there's anything I can do..." And say please can anyone put you up for a couple of nights.

You / DH do need to be upfront about not being able to afford a B&B and say this would send you into debt - also be honest about the cost of flowers and just say you either cannot afford them or will have to do a joint one with the other siblings. Surely the family would rather you be there that's the main thing?

Good luck OP I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:48

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:46

This is the thing I don’t think he will speak up about this - maybe he’s too afraid of upsetting anyone especially at this time. I don’t get the idea of own flowers - surely as a family you work together to combine the cost of flowers. If he was an only child fair enough but he does have two brothers and it seems a bit nuts to have three wreaths with dad on?

Show quote history

He domestic het to not speak up. He either does or nothing gets spent.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:49

saraclara · 08/08/2023 23:30

That. It's odd that the more local siblings are being putup, but you, five hours away, are expected to get a B&B.

But yes, at my inlaws there were beds for five. Yet many times a year we were ten. Me, my DH and our kids, My SIL, DH and their kids, and my inlaws. We all just bedded down where we could on airbeds and the like, and we took a couple of sleeping bags.

Show quote history

One of his siblings lives abroad and is planning on coming with his partner and daughter. MIL has a double bed and single bed spare. Her living room has a tiny sofa and two arm chairs and it’s probably just about big enough to swing a cat. I think the issue is that she hasn’t invited us to even have the sofa/living room. Just suggested some local B&B’s 😔

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 08/08/2023 23:51

My best advice would be to stop everything right now, if your partner is not handling this well then YOU need to step up and be the voice of calm and reason, its the best thing you can do for him right now. By whittling the way you are, with kindness, you're just adding stress to an already stressful situation and at this point in time it really isn't necessary, take a deep breath and a step back and just tell your partner that you'll work everything out before the time comes, absolutely stop putting your financial worries into the mix, you don't need to spend extra money to be there at this point and it's not helping anyone to keep bringing it up.

If the funeral hasn't even been arranged yet then you will normally have 2-3 weeks notice of when it is, that's plenty of time to put plans in place for you both to attend.

When you know the date of the funeral, people will have a bit more idea as to what they are doing, and you can firm up plans of where to stay, ask around at that point, I'm sure someone would be willing to put you up if you offer to sleep on airbeds on the floor so say that when you ask anyone. It would be better to stay with family if at all possible anyway.

He can talk to his brothers closer to the time regarding the flowers, and make a joint decision on it then.

Take one thing at a time, be mindful to offer solutions rather than throwing up barriers.

I'm sorry for your loss.

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:52

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 23:48

He domestic het to not speak up. He either does or nothing gets spent.

Show quote history

My autocorrect is horrendous!
He doesn't get to not speak up!

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:53

Dropthedonkey · 08/08/2023 23:31

Have you looked up Airbnb, premier inn etc? Very dependent on where mil lives how much that will be. I would not let a bereaved son drive 5 hours home after a funeral.
You being there is important but being around his mum and brothers will honestly be the most important thing for him (so him getting to stay 2 nights seems important to me)

I have looked up Airbnb and premier inn there are no airbnb available for august close by. Premier inn is at the moment but quite expensive for that area - hard to know what the actual prices will be until we have a date though …

Yeah I mean this is why I really don’t want to do the whole thing in a day - I know he’s struggling already with the death of his dad so having to drive 10 hours in a day especially the drive back after the funeral would be awful.

Im trying to do what I can to ensure he has some quality time with his family too as I know this is important to him

OP posts:
Trulywonderfulworld · 08/08/2023 23:54

Why not bring your duvet and pillows and one of you or both sleep on the floor.
Assuming no one has a camp bed you could borrow, or one of those foam camping mats.
Id just load up the car and make do.
At least you’ll be there.

As an aside if you buy one of those foam flower rings you can make up your own flowers. Or buy a lovely bunch from the supermarket. Florists seem to charge a fortune.

We spent £500 on flowers to put on the coffin for my mum. They weren’t that great. So when my dad passed away we bought flowers in his favourite colours plus our kids chose their favourites too and made a lovely flower cross for the coffin. Cost £25. It looked amazing.

Dropthedonkey · 08/08/2023 23:54

How can you know all the Airbnb options are booked up before you have a date?
it could be your mil knows she won't cope well with having 5 guests staying in what sounds like a small house at this time. It would be nicer if you were invited to stay but that might be what she's feeling

TheMamaYo · 08/08/2023 23:55

Is there a youth hostel within an hour’s drive? They are really cheap.

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:56

KarmaStar · 08/08/2023 22:39

It should not cost hundreds of pounds.
explain you cannot afford to chip in for flowers but will pay back when you have the money for your share of they might have donations only which you can maybe do later.
you don't need to eat out.
N ot sure why you are saying more expensive if two go?I
you really should be with him regardless of cost.

Nobody in his family has offered to accommodate us at the moment as they have other family members staying so we would have to get an hotel and would need money for food and drinks for a couple of days and then travel etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 23:58

CloverHilla · 08/08/2023 22:40

I'm sorry for your / your DH loss. Absolutely nothing would stop me from going with my DH in this situation.
Prioritise costs; is there anyone you can stay with? Family, friend, neighbour???
Do you need to spend £££ on flowers?

I 100% want to be there with him, I’m just trying to figure out how to make that possible.

He is originally from England but has lost contact with his friends over the years from that area.

Im not sure how friendly his parents are with the neighbours on their road so unsure if that’s a possibility but will ask DH tomorrow

OP posts:
Trulywonderfulworld · 08/08/2023 23:59

What about borrowing a tent and putting it in the garden.
Or buying one it would still be cheaper than b and bs.
Personally I’d ask relatives if you can stay at theirs as you can’t afford b and bs etc.

Trulywonderfulworld · 09/08/2023 00:03

As you mentioned the flower etiquette.
Flowers on the coffin are usually from the main family or husband / wife.
Then family members also get flowers separately.
Guessing MIL paying for coffin flowers so yes you normally would get your own. However it doesn’t have to be a hugely expensive wreath. It’s your choice.

Make your own.

Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 00:10

First big hugs that all sounds so stressful.

You've got the offer of MILs living room, take it, two camp mats on the floor, will probably be more comfortable than the couch esp as you already have them.

Do they have a family Whats App group? Might be worth setting one up. MIL wants just family flowers, does she mean a single wreath with cards from her and each family?
Is she thinking of a charity collection at the crem instead of flowers, charity collection will be cheaper than flowers, which if my local crem is anything to go by are skipped the day after the funeral.