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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potientally not be able to attend father in laws funeral

176 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 22:03

We live a 5 hour drive away from where FIL & MIL live.
The funeral is sometime this month (not sure what exact date yet). DH wants me to go with him for moral support and I want to be there too however I honestly can’t see how we are going to be able to afford for me to go along.
No matter what DH will be going but we are on our arse in terms of money. No savings whatsoever and our disposable income won’t allow us to have a few hundred spare to cover fuel, food, drink, hotel and the funeral flowers he needs to get for his dad. His mum has said she won’t have room spare at her home for the both of us as DH’s brother partner and daughter are staying there.

Have suggested to DH me trying to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere as my sister has offered to have the kids for me to go with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 00:11

Dropthedonkey · 08/08/2023 23:54

How can you know all the Airbnb options are booked up before you have a date?
it could be your mil knows she won't cope well with having 5 guests staying in what sounds like a small house at this time. It would be nicer if you were invited to stay but that might be what she's feeling

There were only a few within 45 mins to an hour drive from where we were staying and I just looked up august in general as that’s when they are saying the funeral will be but we don’t have the actual date yet.

Yes it could be that r.e MIL I know she has a lot to deal with atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 00:14

Thank you all for your responses - have tried to respond to as many as possible but absolutely shattered now and gonna try get some sleep.

I’ll definitely look into some of these options tomorrow 💐

OP posts:
Spartak · 09/08/2023 00:14

Look for a Travelodge in a nearby town - preferably one that isn't touristy. I paid £28 for one night booking four days in advance. Can't even remember where it was, it was so nondescript, but I needed somewhere to stay after flying back late after a family funeral.

If you know your Dad can afford it, then I'd be asking him for help. This is exceptional circumstances, you aren't swanning off to Ibiza for the week.

Titfortat78 · 09/08/2023 00:24

I stayed a week in a 3 bed bungalow. Ex's sister husband and they're 6 kids slept in they're bed's as normal. Me and 2 DC on blow up mattress. My Ex his brother wife and they're 2 kids camped in the garden. Apart from the last night really bad wind. Still found room for them.

SoShallINever · 09/08/2023 00:34

Thing is funerals are completely fraught with emotion and I've seen lots of families fall apart because of funeral politics.
I would absolutely go to support your husband, Channel the grace of Michelle O'Bama herself and don't let little things become big things.
I have driven from Manchester to Cornwall and back in a day (for a funeral), we still have 17 hours of daylight a day at the moment so its not like you would even have to drive much in the darkness.
Take supermarket flowers, take a tent if you have to and most of all look after your husband and his Mum.

Batalax · 09/08/2023 00:39

Tent in someone’s garden sounds the best idea.

madness not to do joint flowers - even if it’s just skint bro and dh.

CapEBarra · 09/08/2023 00:41

Book a hotel an hour or two down the road just off the motorway on your way home. So say if the funeral was in Liverpool and you lived in Portsmouth you could book one in Stoke, Stafford, Wolverhampton or Birmingham. Don’t worry about the flowers and definitely don’t get a DAD one unless you can persuade your brothers to buy a letter each. But really, it’s unnecessary and a bit tacky. It’s really important that you go though.

BungleandGeorge · 09/08/2023 00:42

The first thing you need to economise on is flowers, they really are an unnecessary expense. £100 and they will be dead in a couple of days, the letters especially are short lived. The cheapest is going to be about £50 which will be perfectly ok but if you’re in debt I think he really shouldn’t send any.
personally I don’t think it’s fair to ask family to host, if they haven’t offered they probably don’t have the space/ mental space to have extra people camping in their living room and the work involved with that.
if it’s still with coroner how likely is the funeral to be in August? It will probably be easier to find accommodation in September.
I really think you should go, even if it means taking money off your dad. I think your husband really needs you there. Could you do some of the driving? Do you have medication you could take prior to the journey for the migraine? If you’re getting regular migraines are you on prophylaxis? Maybe you could do a motorway stretch? 10 hours driving in the space of a day or two along with the stress of a funeral is a lot for your husband. Or could you fly/ get public transport?

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 09/08/2023 00:54

If his brother and other family members are also struggling for cash then it makes sense to all just get one wreath.
His dad wouldn’t want people going skint just for some flowers that he’ll not even see.

I hate funerals because they’re one big money making business and people charge extortionate fees because they know loved ones will feel guilty else.

I would look at travel lodges and similar because you can sometimes get them for £20 a room. It can be an hour or so away even.

Waynettaaa · 09/08/2023 00:59

AndyMcFlurry · 08/08/2023 22:24

Drive there the evening before , take food from home and stay over night in a travel lodge or cheap air BnB.

Buy a bouquet of flowers from supermarket, you will get a lovely big bunch for £25.

Go to funeral and drive home afterwards. Buy some sandwiches and coffee in a supermarket for your trip.

You wont be several hundred £ on fuel, I just did a trip on the Uk that was 5.5 hours away and it used a whole tank of fuel, so about £100. I have a medium / big old car so I’d you have a smaller one it will be more fuel Efficient.

Don’t buy new outfits, anything smarting and darkish is fine. Borrow if you have to.

So it won’t be dirt cheap but possible on £200.

Sorry for your loss and that your finances are so tight right now.

This.

I lost my darling mum in February. I wouldn't have been able to forgive DH if he hadn't attended.

GoldenSpangles · 09/08/2023 01:00

There is no way I'd be spending that amount on flowers. He doesn't need flowers wired into DAD. A far simpler bunch of seasonal flowers would be more appropriate and tasteful. I can't understand why other siblings are being put up and he hasn't even been offered a corner of floor. He should absolutely tell his mother that you can't afford an hotel or BB. There is no reason why you should swallow your pride to ask your father for a loan which you will struggle to pay back when he is too proud to talk to his own mother.

As for those people who say that it will cost no more for food - that is just nonsense as you won't be having home prepared food staying in an hotel or BB. I suppose at most you could take some sandwiches and fruit with you if you can keep the sandwiches cold. Perhaps tinned soup if you have heating facilities.

I don't think you should attempt the five hour drive there, go to the funeral and then have another five hour drive back. That's how accidents happen with tired and emotional people driving.

GoldenSpangles · 09/08/2023 01:07

I don't think he should be staying for several days and having "quality time" with family. You can't afford it being the main reason and they are hardly going out of their way to accommodate it either, are they?

AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 01:24

They are all grieving and no one will be thinking clearly. OP is one step removed from this grief. She is right to try and sort things out for her husband’s sake. Ridiculous to try and rile her up to be angry at his family right now.

AnnaMagnani · 09/08/2023 02:25

If you don't have a date yet because you are waiting on the coroner, then this funeral will absolutely not be in August.

The date can only be arranged once everything is back from the coroner. And we are a third of the way through August already.

Once you have permission to go ahead, then you are going to be dependent on availability of the funeral director, celebrant, crematorium etc. If you are in the UK that is a built in extra wait of weeks.

Definitely don't book anywhere as currently you have no idea when to book for - this funeral is not happening any time soon.

Murdoch1949 · 09/08/2023 04:08

Funerals are financial goldmines for providers, florists etc. If your family is already under such pressure, why even consider paying £105 for flowers, it's absolutely ridiculous. I'm having a direct cremation, where the coffin goes direct from the mortuary to the crematorium, no service, no cars etc. I find it appalling that when a family is struggling with a loss there are profiteering firms looking to guilt trip them into a mahogany coffin. Your husband will be comforted by his brothers at the funeral, he will cope without you. I find his wish to spend extra days there quite selfish when you are in financial difficulties. We cannot always have what we want or need, people have to adapt to their straightened circumstances. Funerals are just window dressing.

MaggieFS · 09/08/2023 06:44

OP, PLEASE stop looking at options you can't afford. As pp mentioned, another brother evidently has been able to convey that they can't, so you DH can to.

Or if it's easier, completely stop worrying until you have a date. Then you can more easily say "there's nothing affordable".

JustbackfromHols · 09/08/2023 06:55

Would it be possible to ask your MIL if she could arrange for you to stay with one of her neighbours or a local friend for 1 night.

Suunnyd · 09/08/2023 09:42

The problem seems to have arisen as DH family is not aware of your financial problems. Could you speak to mil and say that you can't afford a bnb could you pitch your tent in her garden? You could also tell her it would mean a lot to your dh to spend time with her and the family too which would be easier at her house

Quartz2208 · 09/08/2023 09:47

I agree petrol for our trip was around £100 for 500 mile round trip.

get a bunch of flowers - more than one Dad is going to look odd

get or see if you can borrow a blow up mattress and grab a couple of sleeping bags then you can sleep in the lounge

then it is under £200 with food etc as well

NeedToChangeName · 09/08/2023 12:07

I think best bet would be to stay with a friend or neighbour of MIL. Or ask her to pay for a B&B in lieu of Christmas present this year

AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 12:09

Why not find an inexpensive airb&b and share the cost with a few other family members that are traveling?

EllieQ · 09/08/2023 12:49

I second the points about funerals being stressful and likely to cause family fallouts due to all the emotions, so you need to tread carefully, as it were.

One option could be for you to travel home after the funeral by public transport and leave your DH to have a few days with his family before he drives home - would this be possible/ cheaper than a hotel?

Regarding the flowers, could you suggest that all three brothers pay towards a joint arrangement on the grounds of getting something really nice rather than three cheaper arrangements?

Ultimately, when my mum died, what I needed from DH was his support and him making life easier on whatever way he could, like childcare arrangements. It may be that the best option is for you to borrow money from your dad to cover the hotel costs just to make this difficult time that bit easier.

Sugarfree23 · 09/08/2023 14:52

The more I think about its the more I think I'd want DH there, certainly much more important that you are there than to have fancy flowers.

The family need to discuss flowers together. Multiple wreaths is daft, esp if it's a cremation where they'll be binned either that night or the next morning.

Redglitter · 09/08/2023 18:52

The flowers are the first thing he needs to cut back on. Once it gets to the stage of arranging the funeral he needs to just say to his siblings so what flowers are we getting Dad. Steer them straight towards a joint one. If for some weird reason they insist on separate ones he needs to accept he can't afford big flashy ones. A small arrangement is just as good.

Again when the arrangements are known be proactive. Ask your MIL is there anyone who can put you up. Ask one of his Dads friends. You need to take charge and be honest let people know you can't afford expensive flowers and hotels.