To potientally not be able to attend father in laws funeral

[Ilovepugs2017]

We live a 5 hour drive away from where FIL & MIL live.
The funeral is sometime this month (not sure what exact date yet). DH wants me to go with him for moral support and I want to be there too however I honestly can’t see how we are going to be able to afford for me to go along.
No matter what DH will be going but we are on our arse in terms of money. No savings whatsoever and our disposable income won’t allow us to have a few hundred spare to cover fuel, food, drink, hotel and the funeral flowers he needs to get for his dad. His mum has said she won’t have room spare at her home for the both of us as DH’s brother partner and daughter are staying there.

Have suggested to DH me trying to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere as my sister has offered to have the kids for me to go with him.

It would cost more in terms of somewhere to stay if we both went. The travel cost would be the same.

One of his brothers live in the area where the funeral is but he has family staying over for the funeral. MIL lives around about same area but also has DH’s brothers family staying so we are more limited on options

People will probably be saying to your MIL. " Anything I can do to help" Get her to ask for a bed for you. I once stayed with complete strangers when I travelled miles for a friend's funeral. They and others had offered to accomodate any one coming from her home town .

We have just done a 10 hour round trip with one night so it is perf3ctky doable. Particularly if you travel early in the morning - leave v early have the full day and then after lunch the next day.

Thank you could be some possibilities with the options there.
We have plenty of tents so could possibly talk to DH’s brother to see if we could camp in his garden.
I’m going to see whether I can apply for a small loan with a local credit union - we don’t have a date yet all we know is that it should be sometime this month. Still awaiting coroners report

That’s good of them.
When DH spoke to MIL about possible places we could stay she made some suggestions for local B&B’s

Why aren't his family working with him to prioritise his attendance?

Yes also this - space seems to be given to other family members and you are expected to pay

You know YWBU to not attend, so you have to find a way to make it happen for your dh's sake. A 10 hour drive in a day is not great at the best of times. When it's your own parent's funeral? That's really not sensible.
Is mil aware of your financial situation? Is dh's brother?

It feels odd that so many other family members are being accommodated whilst DH is expected to find a B&B. It's hard but your DH might have to be straight with her and say money is very tight and simply can't afford to pay for two nights accommodation. Surely there is someone who can at least offer a sofa or a floor to camp on.

His brother said they are all getting their own flowers apparently. Only family flowers allowed. So DH said he wants DAD in flowers got quotes for him local to us and they’ve said £35 per letter so £105 (I’m aware it will probably be more expensive in England). I did actually say to DH I’m surprised they are not having a DAD one between him and his two brothers as normally that’s what happens.

I can try and help with some of the driving, I suffer with migraines so tend to only drive local when my head is ok, I find motorways difficult but I’ll do what I can to help

Could you borrow a small blow up mattress to put beside the sofa. Then you both have something to sleep on?

I don’t think they are aware tbh - DH is not the kind to open up about financial worries to his family.
I am the total opposite and have spoken to my parents about this - my mum has suggested I borrow money off my dad if needed. Though I hate relying on my family to bail me out when shit hits the fan. They already helped me recently when our car broke so lent me money to get another one so we could get back on the road.

What’s the usual dynamic this all seems a little off with how they are treating your dh

Yes I know what you mean - I thought that too but didn’t want to mention it to DH as I know they are all going through enough at the minute. So I’m just trying to figure out the best way I can to be there for him

Youth hostel family room should be affordable but may be booked up.

Could you ask MIL if any of her friends might be able to put you up for two nights? Just tell her the B&B were out of your price range but thank her for trying.

Do any of the family who live in the area have friends that could accommodate you for a few nights? I'd be asking his brother.

Our in laws live a ten hour round trip too and hotels are so expensive.

This.

I would put up relatives of friends of mine who were coming for a funeral.
It also sounds like parents still live where he grew up ? So what about his friends ?
What about BiL's living room floor?

As to the flowers - your dh needs to speak up, and say to his family - "Look, we are barely scraping by. We have no spare money. We will find the money for petrol but now you are saying we have to pay out for accommodation. We don't have that. It is a ridiculous waste of money for all the dc to individually buy separate wreaths - he was all of our Dad, let's get that between us."

I thought that too, usually they are quite accommodating. I know his brother who lives abroad is having financial difficulties at present due to someone doing him out of life savings so maybe that’s MIL is accommodating him more? I have no idea

I think you've got to bounce it back to DH.

How does he plan to resolve this? Where is he thinking the money is coming from?

If you're on social media ask if anyone has an inflatable mattress you could borrow. I slept on one for a week with my two kids when we stayed at ex's sister's. They are actually quite comfortable.

I mean this kindly as I know your husband is grieving, but £105 on flowers when you are broke is crackers. Much as he's been told to do his own flowers, he could ask if anyone wants to join getting the letters, and if not, get flowers of a meaningful variety or colour instead? The flowers will just get left on the grave or taken home from the crematorium. Your presence there is far more important.

(And it also sounds like he needs to stick up for himself a bit more; why is everyone else getting accommodated and deciding the flower decisions? I appreciate now is NOT the time, but it doesn't sound very fair. Please don't take out a loan or get into debt for this).

Tbh I did suggest to him maybe speaking to his brother to clarify what exactly the situation with the flowers is as it does seem a waste to al have individual wreaths. He’s just a bit all over the place at the moment as it’s come as a big shock to him.
I‘ m trying to help best I can - supporting him, giving him cuddles talking etc whilst sorting the kids keeping on top of everything else too. There’s only so much I can do if that makes sense? I can’t speak to his brother for him or MIL he needs to do that but I don’t think he can think straight at the minute

We do have a couple as we go camping with the kids now and again so as long as someone is willing to accommodate us this should be a possibility

That. It's odd that the more local siblings are being putup, but you, five hours away, are expected to get a B&B.

But yes, at my inlaws there were beds for five. Yet many times a year we were ten. Me, my DH and our kids, My SIL, DH and their kids, and my inlaws. We all just bedded down where we could on airbeds and the like, and we took a couple of sleeping bags.

Have you looked up Airbnb, premier inn etc? Very dependent on where mil lives how much that will be. I would not let a bereaved son drive 5 hours home after a funeral.
You being there is important but being around his mum and brothers will honestly be the most important thing for him (so him getting to stay 2 nights seems important to me)

Are his brothers married? Can you speak to their wives about going in together on flowers?