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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potientally not be able to attend father in laws funeral

176 replies

Ilovepugs2017 · 08/08/2023 22:03

We live a 5 hour drive away from where FIL & MIL live.
The funeral is sometime this month (not sure what exact date yet). DH wants me to go with him for moral support and I want to be there too however I honestly can’t see how we are going to be able to afford for me to go along.
No matter what DH will be going but we are on our arse in terms of money. No savings whatsoever and our disposable income won’t allow us to have a few hundred spare to cover fuel, food, drink, hotel and the funeral flowers he needs to get for his dad. His mum has said she won’t have room spare at her home for the both of us as DH’s brother partner and daughter are staying there.

Have suggested to DH me trying to find out if I can get a loan from somewhere as my sister has offered to have the kids for me to go with him.

OP posts:
Waynettaaa · 09/08/2023 22:32

rosiebl · 09/08/2023 21:40

Whereabouts is the funeral taking place OP? A general location. Perhaps there is someone on MN who knows of a local option for you.

This. Roughly whereabouts do you need to be? X

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:34

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 22:25

I am genuinely not trying to sound awful but your posts are so confusing to me.

So is not liked by his family?
It's coming across like he's not actually wanted or liked by them

MIL hasn't offered? She's his mum. Would this not be a "mum can I stay" why won't he just use his words?! Ask people directly?

The flowers? "Hey, why aren't we pooling together? I've looked at the prices and that's way out of our budget right now."

"Hey family we are struggling with arrangements can anyone help?"

Yes he is liked by them seems to get on well with them etc. He went up there recently when his dad actually died to spend time with his family. He spent four days up with them.

From what I can gather the oldest brother is helping MIL sort out arrangements for funeral and anything that comes after. DH has been asked to ring around places for suitability/avalability for a wake and other brother who lives abroad has been asked to take charge of the music for the funeral.

He did ask her whether we could possibly stay there and her response was ‘your brother and his family have asked to stay, I think your other brother doesn’t have space due to his daughters and partners staying but I’m sure there are some local B&B’s). DH doesn’t seem too fazed by this - other than the fact he knows we can’t afford that. Meanwhile my parents have expressed that they feel like he’s being pushed out and that it’s unfair for us to be told to look at B&B’s whilst everyone else is being accomdated. It’s a bit of a nightmare tbh in between just generally trying to support him through his dads death anyway.

he did say to his brother ‘I was thinking perhaps we could chip in for the cost of a wreath for dad’. His response was well ive already ordered mine but perhaps you can speak to other brother/mum about sharing a wreath. 🤔 how is it possible to order one not knowing the date yet and wouldn’t you consult with other siblings first to see if they wanted a combined one?

Honestly I really hope things aren’t this difficult when either of my parents pass away. I’d like to think me my brother and sister would pull together and communicate everyone’s best interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:36

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 22:30

Ask the local brother for names/numbers of other family members (or friends of his) and start contacting them to see if you can stay with them. I appreciate that this is a difficult time but you might need to be a bit more proactive to sort this out. No one is just going to offer you a bed if they don't know that you need it. I would also suggest that you do this rather than have DH do it. I may be reading too much into it but it seems there is an odd/strained dynamic in place between the siblings so don't assume your DH will even ask.

Well this is the thing they seem really close but the older brother just seems to be doing what he wants whilst the other two don’t seem to know what’s going on.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 22:37

People act really strangely when someone they love dies.

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 22:37

Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:36

Well this is the thing they seem really close but the older brother just seems to be doing what he wants whilst the other two don’t seem to know what’s going on.

Show quote history

But why does that stop you from asking him for friends/relatives numbers?

Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:39

AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 22:37

People act really strangely when someone they love dies.

I’ve only ever been to a couple of family members funerals my side - my grandad and one of my aunties who died quite young and in both the family just pulled together, worked between each other to sort flowers etc. It is difficult living around a 5 hour drive away from DH’s home town

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:40

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 22:37

But why does that stop you from asking him for friends/relatives numbers?

Show quote history

I don’t know - I don’t know them I suppose I’ve never spoken to them and it just feels like I’m being cheeky I guess

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 09/08/2023 22:45

Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:40

I don’t know - I don’t know them I suppose I’ve never spoken to them and it just feels like I’m being cheeky I guess

Show quote history

It’s not cheeky as long as you ask politely without expectations. Is it a big family? Is there an Aunt or cousin perhaps?

FofB · 09/08/2023 22:46

I would join the local Facebook group and ask for recommendations anonymously. I would be a little vague- something along the lines of 'I need to travel for the area for 2 nights and I am on a v.tight budget- can anyone recommend anywhere locally? Willing to consider all options'

wannabetraveler · 09/08/2023 22:49

You're asking for one night for a funeral, not a week at someone's holiday home. I would never consider such a request to be cheeky (in fact I'd be appalled that DH's immediate family were not making more of an effort to help you find somewhere.)

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 22:55

Ilovepugs2017 · 09/08/2023 22:34

Yes he is liked by them seems to get on well with them etc. He went up there recently when his dad actually died to spend time with his family. He spent four days up with them.

From what I can gather the oldest brother is helping MIL sort out arrangements for funeral and anything that comes after. DH has been asked to ring around places for suitability/avalability for a wake and other brother who lives abroad has been asked to take charge of the music for the funeral.

He did ask her whether we could possibly stay there and her response was ‘your brother and his family have asked to stay, I think your other brother doesn’t have space due to his daughters and partners staying but I’m sure there are some local B&B’s). DH doesn’t seem too fazed by this - other than the fact he knows we can’t afford that. Meanwhile my parents have expressed that they feel like he’s being pushed out and that it’s unfair for us to be told to look at B&B’s whilst everyone else is being accomdated. It’s a bit of a nightmare tbh in between just generally trying to support him through his dads death anyway.

he did say to his brother ‘I was thinking perhaps we could chip in for the cost of a wreath for dad’. His response was well ive already ordered mine but perhaps you can speak to other brother/mum about sharing a wreath. 🤔 how is it possible to order one not knowing the date yet and wouldn’t you consult with other siblings first to see if they wanted a combined one?

Honestly I really hope things aren’t this difficult when either of my parents pass away. I’d like to think me my brother and sister would pull together and communicate everyone’s best interests.

Show quote history

Have you seen him with his family much?

Cosyblankets · 09/08/2023 22:55

Might be worth looking on spareroom.com for a room.
To all those saying why are they not being accommodated i get the impression it's simply because they have no idea of the financial situation.
I really do think he needs to talk about the flowers though. That's a ridiculous amount of money. If i saw a dad wreath i would assume it was from all the siblings

BrightLightTonight · 09/08/2023 22:57

Can you not just buy a blow up bed to put in MIL lounge.

clairea123 · 09/08/2023 22:58

Could he put a message on private social media if he has an account?

Picture of him and his dad- Sadly my lovely dad died suddenly and the funeral is x date. I now live in xx but the funeral is in his hometown of x. Times are tight and I'm struggling to find accomodation on x date for me and my oh within budget.
could anyone help and offer us a room?

I would 100% offer an old schoolmate (not even a school friend) a bed for the night if I saw a post like that? Even if we weren't close.
alternatively you do it, and put on local forum type groups, next door app etc if youd prefer to be discreet.

Theres no shame in having an out of the ordinary expense you can't afford.

AlexandriasWindmill · 09/08/2023 23:30

I know you're saying you don't know his extended family but if his relatives have posted about the death on facebook, can you look through the comments and check for wider family?
Also if your DH has already spent 4 days down with his family, can't he just do whatever he did then? It also means it's not as bad if he just drives down and back in the one day. At least he has already spent time with his DM.

TaylorSwiftFan · 10/08/2023 22:27

I think your DH is not being direct enough. Instead of can we stay it needs to be we cannot afford a hotel. I cannot afford a wreath.

UnfunnyJester · 10/08/2023 22:48

If you've got tents, do you have sleeping mats/air beds?
A single air bed can be under £20 which is cheaper than a hotel room.
Just be upfront. Say you're really short of money for a couple of months and would appreciate being able to stay over.
Talk to other siblings about flowers.

Can you make any money selling anything?

Cascais · 10/08/2023 23:11

Youth hostel, sleep in car

Cascais · 10/08/2023 23:12

Or hostel

Ellie1015 · 10/08/2023 23:32

Do not feel pressured about flowers i would reassure dh that anything but a dad wreath as brother doing that. Will be very strange and look like some sort of rift if they get one.

Funerals are for the grieving so unless MIL will be terribly upset dont bother with flowers and prioritise accomodation.

Blanketpolicy · 10/08/2023 23:40

If your dh was planning on sleeping on the sofa, one of you can sleep on a single air bed or camping mat on the floor at the sofa.

Flowers are not necessary. Ime, apart from the flowers for the coffin they are usually only sent by those who could not attend the funeral.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 11/08/2023 00:05

OP you say that you have camping gear, then couldn't you check for a local campsite, or even post on a local FaceBook page, explaining the situation, and asking if anyone would be willing to allow you to pitch up in their garden for a night or two. We actually own a holiday cottage, and if I saw an ad like that, I would offer it to you for free under these sort of circumstances.

You have my sympathy about the flower situation, as we were in a very similar financial situation when my MIL died. My DH spoke about ordering flowers, and I very gently pointed out that we didn't have the money, but he was adamant that he was going to order regardless, there was no talking to him under the circumstances, as he was overwhelmed by his loss and in reality being very unreasonable, in spite of the fact that normally we had an excellent relationship, so I was forced to go with what he wanted, and struggle to pay the bill afterwards. I therefore think it might be the right time now, for you to get to know your in-laws, contact the older brother, tell him that finances are tight in the extreme, and ask if you could contribute what you can afford to the DAD tribute that he has ordered. He would have to be a real shit to say no, and you've said that the brothers seem close, so I feel sure if he were aware of the situation, he would be willing to do this. Perhaps your DH doesn't want to appear short of money to the family, due to male pride, but if that's the case it is really stupid, and short sighted, so in your shoes, I'd risk him being cross about you asking, rather than get into even more debt, due to his pride getting in the way.

You sound like you are doing absolutely everything you possibly can to support him OP, but please don't get into further financial difficulties, because he's too proud, and you feel uncomfortable asking his brother for help.

Sugarfree23 · 11/08/2023 00:07

It crossed my mind that multiple DAD wreaths would look like a rift too. It also leads to comparison which is nicer.

Anyone seeing a DAD wreath would assume its from all the DC.

I still think charity donation will be less money and less hassle.
"We aren't doing flowers would rather give money in Dads memory to xxxx, because yyyy"
Just choose something that's appropriate to him.

They dont need to know the donation was £10 or £20

MottledPie · 11/08/2023 00:13

Op I don't have any advice but you sound like a really nice and supportive person. I hope you will find a good solution!!

whynotwhatknot · 11/08/2023 15:59

i dont get the seprate wereths thing you dont do that you just get one and all go in on it

his brother sound slike a twat