Said his pay rise will be *A little bit more money for himself

[Augustisthesundayofsummer]

Dh came home tonight and started talking about work and how things will change as he’s been given a more managerial role and would likely be a pay rise. After this he said ‘So I might get a little bit more money.,.for myself’ (He said the *For myself part quietly.
Aibu to be pissed off at this?
I work part time around our dc, 5 and am always the one dropping her, picking her up, doing the majority of childcare, household tasks, bills, organisation etc.
All our money goes into the same account for the mortgage, bills, food etc
Aibu to feel pissed off that he said the extra bit of money he gets will be for himself?
Barely any of the money I earn is *For myself, everything goes on bills and my Dd

🤣🤣 I see now why you’re single….

@Augustisthesundayofsummer I think these might be worth a read, just to consider the other side of the coin.

1. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4866663-to-literally-beg-women-to-set-themselves-up-financially?reply=128234762&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

1. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4866663-to-literally-beg-women-to-set-themselves-up-financially

1. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4867529-dh-leaving-me-what-job-can-i-look-at-to-earn-as-much-as-possible?page=1

Do you think he meant as in they’ll be extra money coming in and so there’ll be extra money available for him to spend on himself?

Is he resentful that you only work PT?

Why? I recently got a small pay rise for various reasons and that money is absolutely entirely for myself rather than my children other household. My spouse knows it and has not one tiny bit of an issue about it. If he got the exact amount as a pay rise. I would sincerely hope yours is it for himself as a bit of extra spending money. I don’t fully understand why any extra money you get is all dedicated towards your child and what is preventing you from keeping a side 10 20,30 or whatever out of that as a little treat to yourself in a sacrosanct way each month.

Tosh. She isn't a single parent, she is supposed to be part of a partnership. ie overall work and benefits should be shared equally, otherwise there is precious little point in being in a partnership where one partner compromises earnings to take on all the child responsibilities and facilitate the other's career.

If he doesn't want to be in a partnership then he can pick up half the childcare responsibilities and costs enabling the OP to pursue her own work.

Its not a race to the bottom - or shouldn't be.

If you don't want to use your own personal spending money on taking DD out then you both need to sit down and discuss what is a reasonable amount of money to be spending and take that out of joint finances before you have personal money. Any extra you then spend is your personal choice. I do sometimes wonder how it must feel as the full time worker to be saying we will spend x amount on DC having fun money, then not getting to see DC having that fun because you are working. I guess I would like it to be used when we could all enjoy it as a family but that is unrealistic at least during school holidays. I think then I would like partner to be working and us paying out for child care so we both could enjoy fun family weekends

Why don’t you? Surely it is your decision to not identify a sliver of your income, whatever that’s liver is as your own money? Both my spouse and I make a contributions to our joint expenses, including mortgage payments over payments on mortgage, Steve, childcare bills and the running of our household, but beyond that all monies are on. Particularly importantly, as part of that there is a dedicated sliver of my wage that I keep aside for my own savings and for myself, including my fantasies and treats even if that’s £5.,10 pounds, £20 £30 a month. It’s the principle of it. I’m failing to understand why you do not keep any part of your wage for yourself and mortar yourself to spend absolutely everything on your daughter. I am a mother of a seven-year-old and a three year old and my latest pay rise as tiny as it was is entirely for myself and my spouse does not bat an eyelid at it because that is exactly what he would do if he got a tiny pay rise, and I would absolutely support him in doing that.

Yet another thread…

Op, your time being a SAHM is just as valuable to your family as the time your DH spends working. Therefore, all your income should be pooled and shared spends after all bill should be equal.

Do you have any spending money for yourselves in your budget? Maybe it's time to see if you can afford it (or increase it if you have this already). In our house it would be an equal amount each no matter who earned the promotion or worked more hours

These comments are awful. Who are you to judge what other people do, maybe they have different values to you and don't want to have their DCs in childcare full time. It could have been a family decision. How can you comment on how hard the OP is working?!

The OP not working FT presumably benefits her DH. When my DCs were younger I worked PT, DH and I do the same job and have always been paid roughly the same but I dropped hours as my job is more flexible and they would increase them fof me when I wanted whereas his company were not flexible at all. It meant I could collect them from school, take them to after school activities and keep on top of house stuff, as a partnership we decided thats what we wanted to do. Obviously I am extremely lucky as my company does not discriminate PT working so my career progression was not affected, but its really no one else's business what others decide to do.

Also not everyone has a high paid job so FT childcare may not be worth it to some. OP hasn't said she's on benefits so what's the issue? What sort of partner sees a bit of extra in their salary as just their money when the other partner puts everything into the house. Certainly not one I would want to be with, or the sort of person I would want to be.

I think in any true and fair marriage (or marriage equivalent relationship) both partners should have equal discretionary spending power and equal say on meaningful joint expenditure. The mechanics of how they achieve that is up to them to agree on. Who earns what shouldn't matter and if one person thinks they have more rights because they earn more then they aren't committed to a fair and equal relationship. You need to have a frank conversation with him and decide, depending on what his response is, where you go from there.

@NotAMug Exactly the same situation work wise for me as you said you did above.

I’m not on any benefits

Disagree with this comment.
If it wasn't for OP being a SAHM then hubby wouldn't be able to work. All money should be shared equally. They both have their roles, just because one is unpaid it doesn't make it any less valuable.

To be honest it's no one's business anyway, you weren't asking for career advice. You should be a team.

We both work full time with two children in full time childcare. DP earns more than me so contributes more financially to the household.

When he got a pay increase for some extra responsibilities he'd taken on, he was going to put more into the savings I asked him to keep some for himself. He works bloody hard, and has had to for a long time to get to the position we're in now.

Yes, it's family money, but he's earning more because he's doing more work. He deserves to benefit from that himself a little bit.

Yes, I'd read it that way too but with a slight inference. The fact that he said it quietly (but so you could hear) implies that he's somehow dissatisfied with his lot. My bet is that some of the household purchases you view as 'standard' he might view otherwise eg a new rug, matching kettle and toaster, soft play etc. Now there's a bit more coming in he might 'treat himself' to a new sports top or phone.
I wouldn't feel the need to consult MN. I might have asked at the time "What do you mean" but I'd be inclined to ignore.

The increase in his earnings justifies paying for childcare between you (its a joint cost) so you can earn more.

Voila, everybody wins.

Otherwise in his eyes:

• right now he works x amount, and you do part time plus y around the home.
• with promotion he works more/has more responsibility, but what you do has not changed, so he will see it that the extra money is his by rights.

Assuming dh and dw are a team and a partnership and pulling their weight in whatever area once the couple have dcs...

All earned income in to one pot. All bills and stuff for child out of said pot. Split the remainder 50/50 for personal spends (his hobby would come under that).

My dh would not suggest that a bonus was only for him. We work as a team so the benefits of that work are shared.

I'd be tempted to go back to work full time and split the extra childcare costs in proportion to pay. Unless it's a very hefty pay rise, the increased childcare cost should wipe out the increase anyway.

If he isn't going to recognise the sacrifice you are making in order to benefit the family as a whole, you shouldn't bother doing it.

What sort of partner sees a bit of extra in their salary as just their money when the other partner puts everything into the house.

Reality is, sometimes with school aged kids & sahp, with modern time saving appliances/technology, the non working parent simply does not need to work as many hours "keeping house" as the wohp, and often as a result simply has a higher amount of leisure time. And thats why the wohp can feel disgruntled about things, it can feel like extra work doesn't get you any financial benefit which no one likes. This is especially the case where wohp hasnt been 100% supportive of their partner not working/working less.

If it wasn't for OP being a SAHM then hubby wouldn't be able to work.

Of course he fucking would. Neither I nor my DH have a sahp and we both manage to hold down very well paid jobs.

There are lots of things you can easily outsource to maximise your time available for parenting around work.

@Yellowlegobrick But I’m not a Sahp?! I work hours around Dds school hours, plus a Saturday morning too

And that is your problem.

You are not focusing on your career.

He will continue to earn more money and save, you will struggle.

But, you made the choice to not pay for childcare (he should pay to).

Comments like that @Yellowlegobrick, are, frankly, nonsense.
Nonsense because you have NO IDEA about their particular circumstances.
You have no idea how big their house is, or how long it takes to clean, or how easy or hard it is to look after the child, for example medical appointments, no idea about the length of the school run, no idea if they have any modern appliances, no idea how they cook etc etc No idea.

Being a sahp (which the op isn't) could be exceptionally easy if you live 2m from school, your child poses no problem, you live in a one roomed hovel and eat nuggets and chips for dinner.
Or being a sahp could be a full time role, if you've selected a school an hour away, live in a sparkling clean mansion, grow your own lentils and bake everything from scratch.
As you have NO IDEA where the op sits, yours was a pointless comment.