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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

782 replies

CallieRedux · 07/08/2023 14:14

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
Roundtheworldin7days · 07/08/2023 14:28

I agree totally am I have made it so

Lkahsvtv · 07/08/2023 14:43

Yes, this literally saved my life at one point. Even now it gives me personal security to know I could leave if I wanted. It really worries me when women say they used their own savings for maternity leave rather than joint ones and their husband or partner still has his

BlastedSkreet · 07/08/2023 14:47

How much do you recommend?

parliamoglesga · 07/08/2023 14:57

Absolutely yes to this.

not popular on MN but my husband and I only pay the bills jointly and have our own bank accounts. We half the shopping and expenses. Been married for 10 years and it works so don’t @ me 😂

i have my own savings and investments and I know I can support myself if the marriage ends.

OhComeOnFFS · 07/08/2023 14:59

I agree with you. I'm also horrified by the number of women here who have children without getting married and then end up so vulnerable, often without a pension or an income.

Peony654 · 07/08/2023 15:02

Definitely-DH and I have a joint account for mortgage, bills and food, but everything else is separate. Shocked by the amount of mums on here who stay at home, and aren’t married, and it all goes wrong and they have no claim on house etc, no career, no pension.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 07/08/2023 15:05

Completely agree 🙌🏾

DontMakeMeShushYou · 07/08/2023 15:06

Absolutely agree.

EllenVannen · 07/08/2023 15:08

parliamoglesga · 07/08/2023 14:57

Absolutely yes to this.

not popular on MN but my husband and I only pay the bills jointly and have our own bank accounts. We half the shopping and expenses. Been married for 10 years and it works so don’t @ me 😂

i have my own savings and investments and I know I can support myself if the marriage ends.

This is just sound common sense.

So many women on MN seem to be trapped with crappy men in bad relationships that they can't afford to leave.

So, get skilled-up ladies and learn to be financially independent and self-supporting - your increased self-respect will pay you back in spades.

I would also say to any women considering motherhood - do not even consider having a child unless you are prepared emotionally, financially, physically and psychologically to bring that child up alone.

TurquoiseDress · 07/08/2023 15:09

parliamoglesga · 07/08/2023 14:57

Absolutely yes to this.

not popular on MN but my husband and I only pay the bills jointly and have our own bank accounts. We half the shopping and expenses. Been married for 10 years and it works so don’t @ me 😂

i have my own savings and investments and I know I can support myself if the marriage ends.

Absolutely agree to everything you've written 👌🏼

Also, we both work full time

Naunet · 07/08/2023 15:12

Completely agree with you, but some women have always been, and will continue to be their own worst enemies.

hattie43 · 07/08/2023 15:14

Totally agree . Having money is not about ' stuff ' it's about choice and never having to stay in a bad situation.

overitunderit · 07/08/2023 15:14

I agree with this but I'm also amazed by how many people think having personal savings in a marriage is your own money. If you're married, your savings are marital assets (other than in a small number of limited cases). If your husband was saving money on the side which he then hid from you on divorce you might be a bit irritated. Having said that I do think it's helpful to have some savings in case, as you say, you need to escape for eg DV reasons.

parliamoglesga · 07/08/2023 15:19

TurquoiseDress · 07/08/2023 15:09

Absolutely agree to everything you've written 👌🏼

Also, we both work full time

Show quote history

Same!

I’ve also managed (through sheer graft) to more than double my Income in 7 years. My kids are 9 and 5 and it’s been tough but more than worth it.

I’ve gone from £25k per annum in 2016 to £55k per annum in 2023

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2023 15:20

Wholeheartedly agree. Whatever position you find yourself in right now, you should have an exit plan. Even saving a tiny bit here and there can help.

what I am teaching my dd is to get the best education she can and to never move into a situation she can’t afford to leave immediately or can’t afford solo for at least a while.

I will also quietly always have a fuck-you fund set aside for her just in case, but not everyone is going to have that safety net.

coxesorangepippin · 07/08/2023 15:21

Totally agree

Where are the best hiding places for money if you are married?

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 07/08/2023 15:24

OhComeOnFFS · 07/08/2023 14:59

I agree with you. I'm also horrified by the number of women here who have children without getting married and then end up so vulnerable, often without a pension or an income.

I had a child without getting married then subsequently broke up. Thank god I didn't marry, as I had more money than him and he'd have had claims to some of it during any divorce!

CattyCattle · 07/08/2023 15:26

EllenVannen · 07/08/2023 15:08

This is just sound common sense.

So many women on MN seem to be trapped with crappy men in bad relationships that they can't afford to leave.

So, get skilled-up ladies and learn to be financially independent and self-supporting - your increased self-respect will pay you back in spades.

I would also say to any women considering motherhood - do not even consider having a child unless you are prepared emotionally, financially, physically and psychologically to bring that child up alone.

Show quote history

There is no such thing as seperate money in marriage. He could divorce and take up to half.

I definitely agree with a Fuck You Fund! My grandmother called it her running away fund so she always felt she could leave if she wanted to. Unfortunately it wouldn't have been hers to run away with if she had ever wanted to get a divorce.

My advice to my daughter is to not get financially tangled up with a man. She is going to be a high earner. I would hate it if a man managed to get half of whatever she accumulates.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 07/08/2023 15:27

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 07/08/2023 15:24

I had a child without getting married then subsequently broke up. Thank god I didn't marry, as I had more money than him and he'd have had claims to some of it during any divorce!

Show quote history

And that is the other side of the coin.

Marry if you are likely to be the lower earner in your relationship, don't if you're going to earn more.

Zipps · 07/08/2023 15:28

Well said. So many on here and in real life don't. Absolutely zero excuse these days. I know plenty of women with disabilities and disabled dc that still work, invest and have their own finances but this seems to be the number excuse for women on MN not to work. Number two being that their partner is an high earner. Plenty more excuses get trotted out.
Too many also think inheritance or other people's will save them.
I don't understand why some women in 2023 think they should somehow be protected from being involved in sorting themselves out financially.
I have contributed equally financially and am as well off as my DH. We have separate as well as joint investments, savings and our own pensions.

Davros · 07/08/2023 15:30

The only thing about this is, what if you are unwell after having a baby, or your child turns out to have disability or special needs, or you want to stay at home with your kids? All three happened to me. I simply could not have gone back to work after having DS.
I think marriage is essential if you're having children and then, you should be able to trust the person you've settled down with to make sure you are secure if any or all of the above happen.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 07/08/2023 15:30

Absolutely agree.

Especially don't sacrifice your employment ability (I'd say career - but people take that wrong - I mean Jobs as well as Careers) in favour of your partner's on the promise/belief that they'll do right by you/you won't split up - it's harder to get back into work than it is to keep your hand in.

It can come as an absolute shock, and Fuck You money gives you the cushion to think clearly if it does happen.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 07/08/2023 15:30

@Ponderingwindow the FU fund for your daughter pulled at my heart. I love this. I don't have a daughter but I'd absolutely do the same. I'm trying to raise my son's to not become men women will need to flee from!

Zanatdy · 07/08/2023 15:30

I’ve never relied on a man, yes it’s made my life easier when I’ve been with one, but I was always able to up and leave. Been single over a decade and I’m far from rich but worked my way up to a good salary. If I moved back to my native north I’d be rich, in the South east I’m poor! But I’m always grateful I can pay my own bills and don’t need to rely on anyone

Uncooperativefingers · 07/08/2023 15:31

To those saying they have separate finances to their husbands, how does this help in a divorce. Surely it all goes into the pot to be divided? (Not a snarky question, but curious as I am getting a married soon)

To me setting myself up financially means maximising my earning potential so I could live comfortably if we split up. It means understanding both our finances so I have less chance of being screwed over in a divorce. And it means having agency over savings, investments and spending. Most importantly, it means keeping my career going when we have children so that I can flex that earning potential as I need to (part time, full time, still being able to apply for a "big job" if financially required)

But I see all money as "our money" once we marry. Although we will have both joint and separate accounts, this is for day to date ease and accountability, not specifically preparing for a split. And most of what I listed is prudent in case eg. dh has health issues and can't work