Said his pay rise will be *A little bit more money for himself

[Augustisthesundayofsummer]

Dh came home tonight and started talking about work and how things will change as he’s been given a more managerial role and would likely be a pay rise. After this he said ‘So I might get a little bit more money.,.for myself’ (He said the *For myself part quietly.
Aibu to be pissed off at this?
I work part time around our dc, 5 and am always the one dropping her, picking her up, doing the majority of childcare, household tasks, bills, organisation etc.
All our money goes into the same account for the mortgage, bills, food etc
Aibu to feel pissed off that he said the extra bit of money he gets will be for himself?
Barely any of the money I earn is *For myself, everything goes on bills and my Dd

I’d stop putting all your money in, it won’t hurt your 5yo not to have horse riding and it is important to convey your contribution is equal. But, if the family isn’t seeing any of dhs pay rise, then the family won’t be supporting it would be my line. Dh working late? Reply: you can’t tonight I have x.
Him: it’s my new job level I have to.
you: since youre keeping all the extra income dd and I don’t benefit at all from your new job. I don’t understand why you think it should get extra sacrifices from us. If you can’t fit it in, you can’t do it. You’re doing it for you not our family, I regard this overtime as similar to your hobbies- things you choose to spend time on that only benefit you.

And for context for my response, I work full time and we pool all money. I’d happily support Dh to drop a day to do more for our family, it would take pressure of me and give our dc more opportunity for activities and play dates. I earn 30-40% more.

Start talking about the extra things your children can get. Your children should come first for both of you.

What a terrible attitude. The DP would have to pay for childcare. Of course OP is entitled to his earnings. And the law says the same. Hence why she can't claim benefits.

But the cost of childcare does not necessarily jump up each time you get a pay rise so the benefit is wiped out! He earned the raise, not her! Yes, if I was him I’d spend it on my kids but that’s his choice.

OP, if it bothered you, I think you need to ask him where that comment came from? Does he resent a little bit that you are part time? Does he feel too much us being spent on the children? Or is it not really a dug at you, he's just feeling a bit sorry for himself?

Why don't you spend it on yourself? Because you can't afford to, or because of a misplaced sense of guilt?

Why? If the children are already well provided for, why can't parents spend on themselves?

So have an open and honest chat and agree what amount of money he will keep for himself, then you match it from your wages for yourself. Problem solved!

Umm but she’s not a sahm. She works part time and crams the kids and house into the remaining hours.

Can you not both pay all money into one account, pay all bills and then transfer an equal amount for spends into each of your own personal accounts?

Maybe he doesn’t want to enable that though. Their child will be in school, they could both work full time if she’s wanting extra money. Maybe he is hinting that he wants a but more money for himself as his job will be getting harder

why TF would you think I have never been in the workplace? Not only was I, I was the sole earner for 9 years. don't try to come at people when you don't know anything.

Same goes for you?

I have been let go from several jobs exactly for this. Not everyone lives in your world. Not everyone has kids that only need doctor appointments once or twice a year. Not everyone lives somewhere without significant snow. And tons of people, mostly women, were fired or left the workforce starting in 2020 because they had no choice as there were no schools open and they couldn't afford the few daycares that remained open. you are the one living in a fantasy of what the world is like for millions of people, mostly women.

now you are not even making sense.

Okay, my point was if people want money - they need to earn it themselves. Being a SAHM is risky and very vulnerable. Ultimately, the salary is his. He earned it, he signed the contract and puts the work in.

the salary is the family's. Unless it is an abusive relationship, no one forces their partner to work while they sit around doing nothing. They sat down and had a discussion based on finances and believes, including the fact that most of one income sometimes goes to childcare, sometimes even more than one income, which means the higher earner is literally paying the lower earner to go to work.
The non worker is doing the majority and often all of the housework and childcare. Sometimes, they are even doing the repairs, lawn work, snow removal, etc. A lot of solitary earners only go to work and then do nothing else.
The idea that that money does not belong equally to the SAHP is a fallacy that people need to get over. The SAHP has equal rights and say to that money. And if you don't think so, you need to have another think about it. Because the earner being the only person who has rights to the money is called financial abuse. SAHP are holding up the families, usually with much longer hours than the working parent in the relationship. In fact, the only time I ever see a SAHP put in less hours is when they are the father who is staying home because mothers have been so guilt tripped into having to be the breadwinners and the main parent and main housewife that they work themselves into the ground or finally divorce their partner.
Also, he can't go to work without her home and still have the salary he has. He would have to pay at least half the childcare. Other costs would also increase. Transportation, repair budgets, clothing budgets, food budgets.

I'm sorry, but that's not it as WOHM have do their share of household like wise DH. I do everything a SAHM has to do alongside DH. Plenty of WOHM manage to work without a SAHD.

He can pay for childcare/nanny etc, there are options. High earners outsource the work rather than do it themselves.

My dh hasn’t paid the rent ffs | Mumsnet

^ Here is a new thread where OP is verge of being homeless as DH hasn't paid the rent. She hasn't got enough money to pay the rent.

Why don't you want women to have financial independence and payslips in their own name/own career?

and yet again, telling me what I believe. I wish every person could go to work. But they can't. They would have less household money if they did. Not to mention that some people are disabled, or care for a disabled or elderly family member, etc.
Your example is called abuse.
The DH not paying rent is abuse. Also, in the example you gave, the poster fucking works! She works and can't pay the rent because she has covered all the other bills! Not a good example to prove your point at all.

Yes it’s abuse, and that’s why women should be financially independent.

but in your example she already works and still is not financially independent!!!!!!

She probably put her career back and went part time, as most women do.

because most working women also have to be a SAHM as well! The problem is not whether she works outside the home or not, the problem is whether her partner is a disgusting, abusive, garbage man.

Can you explain why most working women also have to be a SAHM?