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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Said his pay rise will be *A little bit more money for himself

295 replies

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:29

Dh came home tonight and started talking about work and how things will change as he’s been given a more managerial role and would likely be a pay rise. After this he said ‘So I might get a little bit more money.,.for myself’ (He said the *For myself part quietly.
Aibu to be pissed off at this?
I work part time around our dc, 5 and am always the one dropping her, picking her up, doing the majority of childcare, household tasks, bills, organisation etc.
All our money goes into the same account for the mortgage, bills, food etc
Aibu to feel pissed off that he said the extra bit of money he gets will be for himself?
Barely any of the money I earn is *For myself, everything goes on bills and my Dd

OP posts:
dorriss · 08/08/2023 20:13

perhaps the kids sometimes need to come second so you can have a life and not be a martyr.no on will thanks you for it.does yout husband not matter? what about your needs?sometimes you need to put yourself first .

grumpycow1 · 08/08/2023 20:14

You are picking up all the childcare slack therefore enabling him to get a higher paid job. What if you wanted to go full-time and take on more responsibility and he had to either pay more for childcare or pick up the slack? Bet that would go down like a lead balloon…. You should all be benefitting from his promotion by providing the FAMILY with more income not just him. He is taking you for a ride.

CapEBarra · 08/08/2023 20:17

Unless he’s got a massive pay rise most of it will be swallowed up by the increased cost of living. I do agree with others who suggest you go full time and pay for childcare for the extra few hours. It’s better for your pension and career progression, so it’s worth taking the short term hit on childcare. My kids loved after school club - it was an extra hour or two to play with their friends.

CapEBarra · 08/08/2023 20:18

grumpycow1 · 08/08/2023 20:14

You are picking up all the childcare slack therefore enabling him to get a higher paid job. What if you wanted to go full-time and take on more responsibility and he had to either pay more for childcare or pick up the slack? Bet that would go down like a lead balloon…. You should all be benefitting from his promotion by providing the FAMILY with more income not just him. He is taking you for a ride.

He might welcome it. There’s a lot to be said for better longer term financial security.

Blondewithredlips · 08/08/2023 20:19

Usernamen · 08/08/2023 18:58

Go full-time and pay for childcare - it’s better for your longterm earning potential.

If I were your DP I’d be a bit frustrated too, that I was going ahead and getting promotions while my spouse was holding their career and earning potential back by working part-time.

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This

anonymousxoxo · 08/08/2023 20:20

Usernamen · 08/08/2023 18:58

Go full-time and pay for childcare - it’s better for your longterm earning potential.

If I were your DP I’d be a bit frustrated too, that I was going ahead and getting promotions while my spouse was holding their career and earning potential back by working part-time.

Show quote history

I agree.

TimeToMoveIt · 08/08/2023 20:21

CapEBarra · 08/08/2023 20:18

He might welcome it. There’s a lot to be said for better longer term financial security.

Show quote history

Op has already said he's unlikely to take on any responsibility for childcare or running the house so it's doubtful

I'm sure ged be happy for her to work more as long as he doesn't have to pull his finger out though

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/08/2023 20:23

If I were your DP I’d be a bit frustrated too, that I was going ahead and getting promotions while my spouse was holding their career and earning potential back by working part-time.

There's no evidence that the OP's dh feels like this though, is there? Maybe he's happy with the OP being part time, so that he doesn't have to bother doing any household stuff, childcare or ferrying around. Happy to let her be housekeeper and default parent which benefits him and his career, but not happy to share what should be family money.

KTSl1964 · 08/08/2023 20:24

Start putting in less then - you shouldn’t be using all your wages - you need something for you - maybe he feels the same - does he pay all his wage in? If so that’s why he may want to hold something back. Do you talk about monies and what’s spent. Maybe a conversation is needed to listen to each others views.

Iwasafool · 08/08/2023 20:30

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:40

@evtheria Exactly, and why say it quietly, it felt deliberate. So it’s ok the money I earn has to go on everything, but now this extra part will all be for him 🤷🏻‍♀️why not say for the family? My first thought if I was earning more would be that I’d have extra for Dd if needed.

He didn't say it was all for him did he? You said he said he might get a little bit more money for himself, doesn't mean there won't be a little bit more for you as well unless it is a very small amount. Maybe clarify it with him.

CherryMaDeara · 08/08/2023 20:32

RedHelenB · 08/08/2023 18:30

Depends really.

🙄

Useless response

NEmama · 08/08/2023 20:35

If you're both working and are married you are a team. You should both have the same discretionary spends.
Absolutely shocking if he can buy himself treats and you're left with nothing

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 20:39

I agree in going full time and paying for childcare, and have your DH do his share of drop off and pick ups. As if you split then your earning potential has been reduced because of having a child, his not at all. I know many women here say they would be working for nothing but it’s not just the mum who pays childcare, it’s a joint expense and it’s also the fact you’re paying into a pension (reduced if part time) and limiting promotion prospects by being part time. I know as I was part time for years and stuck at the same grade, within a year of being full time I was climbing the career ladder again. My pensions refused, my ex partners not lost any pension through having children. He went and worked overseas, I was part time due to this and a health condition. Prioritise your own job too.

But yes he should get some benefit from his promotion really, nothing stopping you from doing the same. You need him to step up and do more, yes it might limit his career a bit but why should it always be the woman whose career suffers!

JayJayEl · 08/08/2023 20:40

Combusting · 08/08/2023 19:44

Why don’t you? Surely it is your decision to not identify a sliver of your income, whatever that’s liver is as your own money? Both my spouse and I make a contributions to our joint expenses, including mortgage payments over payments on mortgage, Steve, childcare bills and the running of our household, but beyond that all monies are on. Particularly importantly, as part of that there is a dedicated sliver of my wage that I keep aside for my own savings and for myself, including my fantasies and treats even if that’s £5.,10 pounds, £20 £30 a month. It’s the principle of it. I’m failing to understand why you do not keep any part of your wage for yourself and mortar yourself to spend absolutely everything on your daughter. I am a mother of a seven-year-old and a three year old and my latest pay rise as tiny as it was is entirely for myself and my spouse does not bat an eyelid at it because that is exactly what he would do if he got a tiny pay rise, and I would absolutely support him in doing that.

Show quote history

What are you paying Steve for? 🤔

(I know it's obviously a typo, but can't for the life of me work out what you meant to say! 😂)

ActDottie · 08/08/2023 20:41

It was a silly comment but given you share finances you too should be able to enjoy the extra money as well as your children.

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 20:42

@Augustisthesundayofsummer It sounds like you could get some bits and pieces for yourself anyway OP. He should be paying for half of the stuff for DD.

He has his hobby.

Do/get something for yourself. x

porridgeisbae · 08/08/2023 20:44

You don't have to martyr yourself full time. You're a person that deserves a bit of fun too.

BatheInTheLight · 08/08/2023 20:45

SummerDuck · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

Are you for real? They perform different roles as part of a team. With one earning, they don't get to keep it all themselves and decide how it's spent!

BatheInTheLight · 08/08/2023 20:46

NEmama · 08/08/2023 20:35

If you're both working and are married you are a team. You should both have the same discretionary spends.
Absolutely shocking if he can buy himself treats and you're left with nothing

So if only one person is working, you aren't a team?

GoodChat · 08/08/2023 20:47

They perform different roles as part of a team.

They clearly don't because there's resentment. A team requires everyone to be fully on board.

NEmama · 08/08/2023 20:49

@BatheInTheLight no you should both have spends.
Most families can't afford for one parent to not work at all.
Looking after young DC is a contribution isn't it

Combusting · 08/08/2023 20:50

JayJayEl · 08/08/2023 20:40

What are you paying Steve for? 🤔

(I know it's obviously a typo, but can't for the life of me work out what you meant to say! 😂)

Show quote history

I have no idea myself and have re-read my old message numerous times, but I cannot figure out what Steve is a typo for! However, your question as to what on earth I’m paying Steve for has made me disproportionately giggly and I cannot stop laughing.

Blondebutnotlegally · 08/08/2023 20:52

SummerDuck · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

What the fuck is this comment 😂

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 08/08/2023 20:53

My first thought if I was earning more would be that I’d have extra for Dd if needed.

But this doesn’t have to be his first thought. Some people can be good parents whilst not martyring themselves on the altar of parenthood - you can be a good parent and still spend money on yourself and the things you like.

mbosnz · 08/08/2023 20:54

Well, if he's not going to share income, I think it's important that he starts to share childcaring duties, so that you can both work, and also that the children aren't the losers in the race to the money pot.

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