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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Said his pay rise will be *A little bit more money for himself

295 replies

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:29

Dh came home tonight and started talking about work and how things will change as he’s been given a more managerial role and would likely be a pay rise. After this he said ‘So I might get a little bit more money.,.for myself’ (He said the *For myself part quietly.
Aibu to be pissed off at this?
I work part time around our dc, 5 and am always the one dropping her, picking her up, doing the majority of childcare, household tasks, bills, organisation etc.
All our money goes into the same account for the mortgage, bills, food etc
Aibu to feel pissed off that he said the extra bit of money he gets will be for himself?
Barely any of the money I earn is *For myself, everything goes on bills and my Dd

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 09/08/2023 00:06

Screamingabdabz · 08/08/2023 22:14

Jesus some batshit handmaids on here tonight
‘…how dare she ask for any share of his hard earned money when she should be grateful to be the live-in cook, nanny and bottle washer and pay for everything with her p/t job.’ 🙄

Op - you need to remind him that it’s not ‘his’ money - it’s family money.

I can’t believe what I’ve read on here.

If it’s not a complete misunderstanding by a poster, it’s some twat telling her she should be grateful he allows her to work school hours plus weekends, and put 💯 of her money into the family pot, while he keeps his extra earnings, that he’s able to get because OP does all child and domestic drudgery, for himself.

anonymousxoxo · 09/08/2023 03:20

TheaPrentice · 08/08/2023 21:47

"Ultimately you’ve made that decision so you have to forgo extra money. Your dh didn’t hence why he wants to keep the money to himself. It will only continue to grow"

Are you quite well?

It’s reality, he said it himself. He doesn’t want to share. You can try and force him but his salary will continue to grow whilst OP resentment will too

anonymousxoxo · 09/08/2023 03:25

Honestly, the longer you stay working part time. The higher is salary will get.

You have said you spend most of the money on your dd and he’s thinking about extra money for himself. You don’t even know how much the pay rise is and if it’s a bonus.

This is why feminists fought to work and have their own money/bank account.

You can try and force him to share but I doubt he will be happy about that from your OP.

This is also why it’s important to have your own career and grow that salary. Because if he leaves/dies/gets ill/redundancy, then what?

No point walking on egg shells.

Kerri44 · 09/08/2023 09:57

I work PT as I dropped my hours to look after our children, my Husband gives me money every month to make upon what I lose, you need to make effort to treat yourself and not always the kids, if I see something he will also send me money to buy it if I don't have spare money

OceanDive · 09/08/2023 10:05

I’m surprised at some of the comments being so harsh. He was definitely being PA and I’m flummoxed people value the work done in the home so little. If OP wrote down all the hours she does in the home and devoted to the DD as well as the time working for pay the DH pay rise would be gone in a puff of smoke. OP is in the same position I am and there’s no way my DH would make a comment like that because he values what I do.
OP- you should be annoyed. Hopefully it was a throw away comment but he’s definitely feeling resentful and quite frankly, he doesn’t have a right to

Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 09/08/2023 10:29

I spoke to him and said I didn’t think it was very fair that he said the pay rise would be for *Him to have a little more for himself and how we’re a family and that the money I earn goes towards things and for Dd. I said I’d made sacrifices as will have less pension, possibly less career wise in the future, whereas he’s set up.
He said what about the sacrifices he makes, always making money for the bills & mortgage to be paid and never having anything left over for himself
So, who’s in the right here 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 09/08/2023 10:30

He also said always working and spending less time with Dd

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 09/08/2023 10:33

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 09/08/2023 10:30

He also said always working and spending less time with Dd

Fine so he can go part time to spend more time with DD during the week and pick up a saturday job to match your hours, and you can move to full time and go for promotion or something with a decent pension scheme.

Has he ever, in the last five years, expressed a desire to reduce his hours to do more around the home?

TheaPrentice · 09/08/2023 10:34

OP, he is not a responsible, normal husband or father if this is his mentality. Most couples wouldn't even be having this type of discussion. You must have known he was like this before though?

ilovesushi · 09/08/2023 10:38

Any money left over is family money. It is not his to decide what to do with it. He has not understood the value of your contribution to the family. A payrise should benefit you all. He needs to look at his values.

Janieforever · 09/08/2023 10:51

ilovesushi · 09/08/2023 10:38

Any money left over is family money. It is not his to decide what to do with it. He has not understood the value of your contribution to the family. A payrise should benefit you all. He needs to look at his values.

That’s your moral take. There is no legal basis and everyone’s views differ as you can see. But legally it is absolutely his money.

Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 09/08/2023 10:56

He said that money I make I can save back and have some for myself

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 11:05

'So, who’s in the right here 🤷🏻‍♀️'

Equal. Spending. Money. On. Yourselves.

If there's £100 left over each month after al bills are paid and all things for your child - then it's £50 each.

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 11:11

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 09/08/2023 10:56

He said that money I make I can save back and have some for myself

And can you?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 11:15

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:38

It’s hard for me to go full time as we’d have to pay extra childcare etc. None of us really have money for ourselves as such, well he spends on his hobby and if we need new clothes we get. Any bits of money I use are for taking Dd out or doing things with her, that’s it.
So yes, the whole lot will need to be looked at so I also get some money for myself

Paying childcare will be an investment in your career and earning power.

Flowerpowera7 · 09/08/2023 13:11

Can he pay you for childcare? Instead of paying a third person. Maybe check how much it would be to leave your child at school-club and explain this is your money from joint.

it looks like he needs some money for his hobby and its ok. You should also have some money for your hobbies, or even hairdresser SPA whatever makes you happy 😊

Starrynightsandpixiedust · 09/08/2023 13:20

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 11:05

'So, who’s in the right here 🤷🏻‍♀️'

Equal. Spending. Money. On. Yourselves.

If there's £100 left over each month after al bills are paid and all things for your child - then it's £50 each.

Yes, you both get personal spending money after the essentials are paid for.

He said that money I make I can save back and have some for myself.

There you go, he's not trying to keep all money for himself/ deny you any personal spending money. He's not being unreasonable to want some personal spending money and he's happy with you having some too. Have a discussion with him about the essential bills and decide what you can each have as your own money. It's important to both his and your wellbeing that you each have some money to spend as you wish on hobbies or whatever you choose.

Ohmygiddyauntie · 09/08/2023 13:31

It is imperative to consider the bigger issue of having no money left at the end of the month if the op wishes to invest all the extra money in their daughter.

Hufflepods · 09/08/2023 13:40

My sim wasn’t to have loads of money, it was to have enough to pay everything, enough for Dd and a good lifestyle with quality of life and time together being the ultimate, is that so wrong?

Is that what your husband wants too though? Maybe he doesn’t want a life with nothing left over. It isn’t as bad having nothing left over when you are the one doing what you want, working less around your child because you want to. Working all the time and having no extra money does feel rubbish.
Maybe he would prefer you to work more too so you both could have reasonable spending money.

Mrtumblefan · 09/08/2023 13:45

SummerDuck · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

What a weird response as -

  1. The OP said clearly she works PT and
  2. She's PT to save on childcare for the family

You make her sound like a lazy mare and she's anything but!

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 09/08/2023 13:52

I wouldn't have even mentioned the pay rise if I was him.

My partner doesn't know exactly what I earn a month, and I don't know his exact earnings.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 14:21

Hufflepods · 09/08/2023 13:40

My sim wasn’t to have loads of money, it was to have enough to pay everything, enough for Dd and a good lifestyle with quality of life and time together being the ultimate, is that so wrong?

Is that what your husband wants too though? Maybe he doesn’t want a life with nothing left over. It isn’t as bad having nothing left over when you are the one doing what you want, working less around your child because you want to. Working all the time and having no extra money does feel rubbish.
Maybe he would prefer you to work more too so you both could have reasonable spending money.

All of this. I can't blame him.

Diorama1 · 09/08/2023 14:25

Well you are not a team OP and you should be, I would not be happy with that.

I was SAHM for years while DH worked. All money earned was family money, he never questioned what I spent, he didn't view it as his money.

I went back to work PT some years ago (for my sanity!) and 3 years ago was offered the opportunity for FT work with great potential for promotion. We had no childcare options at the time (during covid) and I was going to have to turn the job down. DH offered to go PT to allow me to take the job. He actually left his job of 18 years because they wouldnt allow him to go PT and took another PT job. He said I deserved it as I had allowed him to progress his career staying at home and it was now my turn to focus on mine.

I took the job and I have been promoted 3 times and doubled my salary. His is back working FT and I now earn more than he does.

Never once have we ever made a comment about who earns what or it being his or my money. We are a team and both have access to the money earned into the household. We both respect each other enough not to squander the money and spend responsibly.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 09/08/2023 14:32

TheaPrentice · 08/08/2023 22:03

I bet the OP is delighted she posted on here. Now she apparently has 5 children and is living with a DH basically comparable to random bloke with 'his' money that 'he earned.' Fantastic!

Don’t forget she’s a SAHP! The reading comprehension on this thread is wild.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 14:45

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 09/08/2023 10:29

I spoke to him and said I didn’t think it was very fair that he said the pay rise would be for *Him to have a little more for himself and how we’re a family and that the money I earn goes towards things and for Dd. I said I’d made sacrifices as will have less pension, possibly less career wise in the future, whereas he’s set up.
He said what about the sacrifices he makes, always making money for the bills & mortgage to be paid and never having anything left over for himself
So, who’s in the right here 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you both need a spreadsheet.

Write down all wages, benefits and also all outgoings.

You'll be able to work out how much he has left, because it sounds like he's trying to downplay how much disposable income he has.