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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Said his pay rise will be *A little bit more money for himself

295 replies

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:29

Dh came home tonight and started talking about work and how things will change as he’s been given a more managerial role and would likely be a pay rise. After this he said ‘So I might get a little bit more money.,.for myself’ (He said the *For myself part quietly.
Aibu to be pissed off at this?
I work part time around our dc, 5 and am always the one dropping her, picking her up, doing the majority of childcare, household tasks, bills, organisation etc.
All our money goes into the same account for the mortgage, bills, food etc
Aibu to feel pissed off that he said the extra bit of money he gets will be for himself?
Barely any of the money I earn is *For myself, everything goes on bills and my Dd

OP posts:
GoodChat · 09/08/2023 21:08

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 21:05

'My DB and SIL are both doctors and manage to work full time with children'
Great. Lucky them. They have the salaries to afford wrap around childcare.

'My DP travels for work regularly. We both work full time, with children.'
Great. Lucky you don't also need to travel regularly for work, cos that wouldn't work.

'My DSis and her DP both work shifts, full time with children.'
Great. Lucky they that their shift pattens allow that. Others don't.

'You consider these things before you have children or give up work.'
What about if your circumstances change or your dc has extra needs?

Oh yeah we've all just fallen really lucky and it's not possibly down to rational thinking, good planning and a bit of common sense.

OP hasn't given any suggestion of additional medical needs/bizarre travel/20 hour working days. Stop making excuses for lazy people.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 21:13

Christ, what a twattish thing to say. My point referred to the dickheaded generic comments that are downplaying the value of sahps. Because, in some cases, a wohp does need a sahp to be able to do their job.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 09/08/2023 21:14

Ohmygiddyauntie · 09/08/2023 20:39

I'm not making silly assumptions.
Your theories are sheer unadulterated sophistry.

It is crucial to understand that gender isn't a barrier to one's career aspirations. As long as an individual possesses the right skills and determination, they can achieve their goals. Both DP and I are proud to hold full-time jobs with flexible schedules, despite being single parents. DP's thriving business serves as a testament that one can manage a successful venture without relying on external support (Childcare).

It appears that the OP is dealing with a conflict of interest between providing financial support solely for their child or for the entire family. The Dp engaging in hobbies is also causing angst.

Show quote history

Since you still don’t appear to have read the post to which I responded, I would suggest you kindly keep your circumstances and opinions to yourself, and leave mine to me.

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 21:22

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 21:13

Christ, what a twattish thing to say. My point referred to the dickheaded generic comments that are downplaying the value of sahps. Because, in some cases, a wohp does need a sahp to be able to do their job.

Very, very few careers require that, and they're generally careers that pay well enough for it not to cause arguments about money.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 21:26

Not forgetting of course the vast numbers of parents who have mutually agreed that they would like for one of them to be at home, as they feel that is of benefit to the children.

LaDamaDeElche · 09/08/2023 21:31

SummerDuck · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

What?! Even if she was, which she isn’t, being a stay at home parent enables the working parent to progress in their career without having to be burdened with childcare costs, time off work for sick kids, household admin, managing the house etc. You’ve got it wrong about who is enabling who they’re. Perhaps sahp should bill for the work they do in that case!

Heb1996 · 09/08/2023 21:36

@SummerDuck did your DP tell you that? She’s not a SAHM anyway. But even if she was she would be enabling him to work, and with free childcare, which would not be possible otherwise. Therefore any money that DP earns is family money and should be available for all members of the family to have access to and spend. Otherwise, she could go back to work full-time, and childcare fees split between them.

Hufflepods · 09/08/2023 21:51

It’s irrelevant because OP isn’t a sahm but women need to stop perpetuating this horsehit that their working partner needs them to stay at home, that they facilitate and play an active role in his career success and that she allows his to work rather than the other way around. Bullshit. All that nonsense does is further inequality between mothers and fathers and leave mothers penniless and unskilled if the relationship breaks down, not to mention with no pension.

Whatafliberty · 09/08/2023 22:01

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

What bollocks!!! How dare you resent mothers staying at home with children?
Full time child care will land him a lot worse off in any case.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 22:14

@Hufflepods - I don't think they necessarily 'need' them to, to manage a full time role, but it certainly helps in the progress through the ranks if you NEVER need to say ' can't come in today, dd is sick' or 'gotta leave at 4, my turn my pick up' or 'sorry I can't do the meeting in New York, I've got the children' or 'nope, I can't do that 4 day cpd course in Switzerland'
In my family, it was in the financial benefit to the family pot, if he worked with absolute freedom and I was a sahm when the dc were little. That first year of nursery was just constant illness. He never had to worry if it was his turn or not.

There is enormous value in having a sahp to the family and it should never be belittled.

Sorry op, I can't even remember what this thread was about any more. Sorry.

royalwatch · 09/08/2023 22:30

The extra money can pay childcare so you can go full time

perfect

Copperoliverbear · 09/08/2023 22:32

Tell him you can split it 50/50.

TheaPrentice · 09/08/2023 22:35

Interesting how this thread has attracted the anti-SAHM posters trolls even though the OP is not even a SAHM! But hey, don't let that interrupt the usual misogynistic drivel.

Viviennemary · 09/08/2023 23:01

ilovesushi · 09/08/2023 10:38

Any money left over is family money. It is not his to decide what to do with it. He has not understood the value of your contribution to the family. A payrise should benefit you all. He needs to look at his values.

Any money left over is family money. Says who. Honestly some folk need a reality check. Only by agreement.

TorringtonDean · 10/08/2023 00:25

I thought slavery had been abolished. His income is his income. His name is on the payslip. Household expenses should surely be split equally.

Givemethereins · 10/08/2023 00:58

SummerDuck · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

Wtf....I'm sorry. This is crazy. She's providing her husband the opportunity to earn that extra promotion/salary. How the hell would he do it otherwise. His money is her money is family money. Her money doesn't get to be her money. Her money goes all straight back into the pot. So why should he be able keep money back for himself.
My god. The attitude I'm reading here and other posts is scary, slightly horrifying and baffling.

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 10/08/2023 02:00

SummerDuck · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

Sorry? What!?

mandlerparr · 10/08/2023 03:59

Hufflepods · 09/08/2023 21:51

It’s irrelevant because OP isn’t a sahm but women need to stop perpetuating this horsehit that their working partner needs them to stay at home, that they facilitate and play an active role in his career success and that she allows his to work rather than the other way around. Bullshit. All that nonsense does is further inequality between mothers and fathers and leave mothers penniless and unskilled if the relationship breaks down, not to mention with no pension.

bull. someone staying home does give the other person complete and perfect freedom to do all those little work things that get you noticed for promotions and allow you to avoid the axe come lay off time. If both parents work and equally care for the children, that means both jobs are at risk due to sick days, daycare cancelations, weather issues, fucking pandemics. Now, the only way that the man does not have these risks with both working is because he doesn't pull his weight at home, leaving her to be the only one risking anything. Which, if she is less then middle class with little money as backup leaves her just as much at risk of being in abject poverty if he bolts or dies as if she were a SAHM.
Also, while it took me too long to wake up, this SAHM has her own investment account, full access to a joint account, my own savings,etc. I would be better off if I, for lack of better words, manned up earlier, but being a SAHM only means being financially screwed if your spouse is a full on abusive POS. And in that case, working wouldn't save you because he would take all your money anyways and get you fired if you leave him.

redskytwonight · 10/08/2023 07:45

someone staying home does give the other person complete and perfect freedom to do all those little work things that get you noticed for promotions and allow you to avoid the axe come lay off time. If both parents work and equally care for the children, that means both jobs are at risk due to sick days, daycare cancelations, weather issues, fucking pandemics

IME there are no "little work things that get you noticed". People who get promoted are mainly good at selling themselves (main reason). Or their face fits. They don't get promoted because they never leave early to pick up a sick child.

Perhaps I have particularly well children (although actually I have a daughter with a chronic condition, so that's not the case) but things relating to the children have had minimal impact in my job - DH and I share responbilities and I'd be suprised if it averaged out to more than a day every 3 months or so. And many jobs are now wfh allowing parents a much greater degree of flexibility to work around children.

The only time I can see having a SAHP would be a real benefit to the WOHP would be if the job required unpredictable or long hours or lots of travel. And I suspect that WOHP in that sort of job can afford a nanny.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 08:16

Givemethereins · 10/08/2023 00:58

Wtf....I'm sorry. This is crazy. She's providing her husband the opportunity to earn that extra promotion/salary. How the hell would he do it otherwise. His money is her money is family money. Her money doesn't get to be her money. Her money goes all straight back into the pot. So why should he be able keep money back for himself.
My god. The attitude I'm reading here and other posts is scary, slightly horrifying and baffling.

Show quote history

How do you think WOHM get promotions?

Hufflepods · 10/08/2023 08:16

mandlerparr · 10/08/2023 03:59

bull. someone staying home does give the other person complete and perfect freedom to do all those little work things that get you noticed for promotions and allow you to avoid the axe come lay off time. If both parents work and equally care for the children, that means both jobs are at risk due to sick days, daycare cancelations, weather issues, fucking pandemics. Now, the only way that the man does not have these risks with both working is because he doesn't pull his weight at home, leaving her to be the only one risking anything. Which, if she is less then middle class with little money as backup leaves her just as much at risk of being in abject poverty if he bolts or dies as if she were a SAHM.
Also, while it took me too long to wake up, this SAHM has her own investment account, full access to a joint account, my own savings,etc. I would be better off if I, for lack of better words, manned up earlier, but being a SAHM only means being financially screwed if your spouse is a full on abusive POS. And in that case, working wouldn't save you because he would take all your money anyways and get you fired if you leave him.

Show quote history

I couldn’t disagree more, your view of the working world sounds like a caricature and extremely limited. No one is getting laid off because their child is sick or their school has a snow day.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 08:17

mandlerparr · 10/08/2023 03:59

bull. someone staying home does give the other person complete and perfect freedom to do all those little work things that get you noticed for promotions and allow you to avoid the axe come lay off time. If both parents work and equally care for the children, that means both jobs are at risk due to sick days, daycare cancelations, weather issues, fucking pandemics. Now, the only way that the man does not have these risks with both working is because he doesn't pull his weight at home, leaving her to be the only one risking anything. Which, if she is less then middle class with little money as backup leaves her just as much at risk of being in abject poverty if he bolts or dies as if she were a SAHM.
Also, while it took me too long to wake up, this SAHM has her own investment account, full access to a joint account, my own savings,etc. I would be better off if I, for lack of better words, manned up earlier, but being a SAHM only means being financially screwed if your spouse is a full on abusive POS. And in that case, working wouldn't save you because he would take all your money anyways and get you fired if you leave him.

Show quote history

Honestly, not true. How would you know if you've never been in the workplace? Also, how do you think this has an affect on working mothers facilitating the big mans job? If you want a funded lifestyle, just admit that.

TorringtonDean · 10/08/2023 08:17

The old SAHP mantra is a complete lie. In many couples both parents succeed at work and they have each other to fall back on should one suffer a job setback or redundancy. The days of a family surviving on just one income are long gone and nobody needs some sort of servant at home supporting them. I personally don’t see why marriage should give someone the right to their partner’s entire income as if they were just a workhorse. As a working wife myself, the higher earner, I was basically fleeced by my also-working husband when it came to divorce because of the out-of-date legal notion that the lower earner is somehow offering support at home. I was definitely doing more all round! The consolation was at least I still had a job to fall back on so I could continue to raise the children. Bringing in your own income is the best security you can have.

anonymousxoxo · 10/08/2023 08:54

TorringtonDean · 10/08/2023 08:17

The old SAHP mantra is a complete lie. In many couples both parents succeed at work and they have each other to fall back on should one suffer a job setback or redundancy. The days of a family surviving on just one income are long gone and nobody needs some sort of servant at home supporting them. I personally don’t see why marriage should give someone the right to their partner’s entire income as if they were just a workhorse. As a working wife myself, the higher earner, I was basically fleeced by my also-working husband when it came to divorce because of the out-of-date legal notion that the lower earner is somehow offering support at home. I was definitely doing more all round! The consolation was at least I still had a job to fall back on so I could continue to raise the children. Bringing in your own income is the best security you can have.

I agree

Anderson2018 · 10/08/2023 09:07

Don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, why can’t you work more if your kid is at school? You only have one surely you can earn more money if money is an issue? Your choosing to work part time, plenty people work full time when kids go to school and make it work. Don’t think you can complain about money if your not working much