Said his pay rise will be *A little bit more money for himself

[Augustisthesundayofsummer]

Dh came home tonight and started talking about work and how things will change as he’s been given a more managerial role and would likely be a pay rise. After this he said ‘So I might get a little bit more money.,.for myself’ (He said the *For myself part quietly.
Aibu to be pissed off at this?
I work part time around our dc, 5 and am always the one dropping her, picking her up, doing the majority of childcare, household tasks, bills, organisation etc.
All our money goes into the same account for the mortgage, bills, food etc
Aibu to feel pissed off that he said the extra bit of money he gets will be for himself?
Barely any of the money I earn is *For myself, everything goes on bills and my Dd

If you work very few hours and have a school age child then I think I can understand where he's coming from. If you work part time - say 25+ hours - I would say you're more evenly balanced in the work / child load and he's Bu.

How much is the pay rise?

I'm really confused.
Your DH has no money for himself, but he spends on hobbies.
You can't go FT 'because childcare', but your goal is to spend more time with your daughter. That's your choice.
Nothing wrong with that, but you both have different ideas of what's essential and what's not.

You need to have equal amounts of spending money, but equally you need to decide what, as PARENTS, you deem important for your daughter!

You can spend all the money in the world for a child, endless, but they might not need it. Also as a family it's important to save, and for YOU as adults to have treats.

all your money should be joint, barring amounts you put in various savings and the amounts you both agree each person gets for their own things just for themselves. These amounts should be exactly the same for you and him.
Now, if you all won't/don't do that, then you have to illustrate to him how much of your income is spent on the household. Make a budget of what is paid and instead of putting down the amount each of you pays towards things, put down the percentage of your income that goes towards bills.
Also, if you are like most of us mothers, you spend a ton of your money on kids shit that he never contributes towards. Start asking for half the money you pay out if the first two things don't wake him up.
My husband spends about $2000 a month on himself and still complains about he doesn't have enough. Meanwhile, I get yelled at for buying groceries. Nip this shit in the bud right now before he turns into my husband.

What?????
If you are a SAHM, you are also enabling your DH to work full time. For the family!!

Why keep mentioning this, plenty of single parents work full time.
I work full-time, and Dp is the sole carer for his children he also works full-time.

Did you read the post I replied to? Obviously not!
Maybe try that first rather than making a silly assumption

If you are a SAHM, you are also enabling your DH to work full time. For the family!!

That's bollocks. Plenty of families have two full time working parents.

I earn significantly more than my husband. It was the opposite a few years ago. We always, skint or flush, have the same ‘spending money’. The rest goes in the pot.

"enabling you to do"?!
The ultimate scam is framing women who stay home with the children a favour to them as opposed to the women allowing the man to go out and work and not have to pay extra for child care, cleaning, laundry, cooking and the millions of other jobs women do.

I specifically logged in to leave this comment. Women do hours of unpaid work which always gets discounted in these situations.

He's only got the time to do so well at his job because she does all the work in the home.

That logic falls entirely short when single parents or couples can manage when both work full time.
They have 1 child who is in school, he is absolutely facilitating her working minimal hours around the child. A house does not need one adult at home for most of the week with school age children.

Goodness knows how I've managed to progress in my career without a handy wife at home to enable me to do well in it.

It tends to be much simpler to outsource childcare and housework or simply work out ways to fit it round everything else than it does to find someone else to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head.

Oh for goodness sake, do people really not have the imagination to understand that this all depends on the jobs and the kids.

Sure, 2 parents can work full time in 9-5 roles with dc who don't need much.

But other situations exist. Dc with multiple medical appointments for a start. Dc with SN. Both parents have jobs that start at 6am. Etc etc There are many situations when, no, both parents can't work full time.

Seriously?

They, as a couple, have chosen to have mum looking after DC. If she wasn't doing this job then he'd have to pay for a nanny for a similar level of service.

As mum has sacrificed her career to look after THEIR child, his earnings are not his but shared.

Each parent should have the same amount of free time and the same amount to spend on themselves/ hobbies. Doesn't happen often though, sadly.

Hopefully he will share his extra income, but if he is possessive, just say that you need to go back to work full time (or you'll never have the chance of a promotion and extra money) and you are both going to have to stump up the money for child care.

Good luck!

As mum has sacrificed her career to look after THEIR child, his earnings are not his but shared.

I don't think OP's DH has expressed any objection to them being shared, has he? He simply wants to be able to spend some on himself, rather than the extra defaulting to all being spend on DC, which is what OP thinks all good parents would do.

I am the higher earner in my relationship OP. I wanted to make sure my OH wasn't being "done out" of any of his own money with it ALL going on bills and him having nothing for himself, so we set it up that we both paid into the joint pot proportionally to our earnings ( Think, he earns 40k and I 60k, so I pay 60% of the overall bills (childcare, rent, elec, water, phones) and he pays 40%). We then half what is left over, then contribute an equal portion of that to general child costs (school supplies, nappies etc) and whatever is left is our personal spending money.

It works incredibly well if your salaries would allow that. It means no one is doing "all the bills" while the other does "all the chid stuff" and for me personally nothing else would feel fair.

@arethereanyleftatall has the OP suggested any of those things apply to her?

My DB and SIL are both doctors and manage to work full time with children.

My DP travels for work regularly. We both work full time, with children.

My DSis and her DP both work shifts, full time with children.

You consider these things before you have children or give up work.

Good for him he’s learning and I hope he enjoys his Rise in every way possible

If both your salaries go into a joint account to pay for the household expenses including the mortgage, it is hard to see how his extra salary will not automatically go towards these rising costs. I expect he is hoping for a bit left over for himself. And be honest now, when you get a pay rise do you not secretly hope that it will be easier to spend a tad more on your own luxuries? . But if he plans to ring fence the increase for himself, then you are definitely NBU.

I work part but I bring in a good wage my partner wouldn’t be able to work the hours and earn the money he does if I didn’t cover the childcare. If he started saying a pay rise was just for him then I would differently say we’ll make ur self available for the school run a few days a week oh and the kids r off school 12 week a year I will need help covering childcare for that to because I would be heading back to work full time. There is no I in team.

I'm not making silly assumptions.
Your theories are sheer unadulterated sophistry.

It is crucial to understand that gender isn't a barrier to one's career aspirations. As long as an individual possesses the right skills and determination, they can achieve their goals. Both DP and I are proud to hold full-time jobs with flexible schedules, despite being single parents. DP's thriving business serves as a testament that one can manage a successful venture without relying on external support (Childcare).

It appears that the OP is dealing with a conflict of interest between providing financial support solely for their child or for the entire family. The Dp engaging in hobbies is also causing angst.

I find this conversation odd. I am over 70 (so the 'old fashioned generation' according to much of Mumsnet. However, my husband has always been the higher earner, I have worked full time, part time and not at all (and did most of the child care) at various times. However, all our money went into one joint account and we each spent what was appropriate on whatever we wanted - whether for our child or ourselves. The idea that money is for his personal use would never have occurred to my husband.

Ah, but the key phrase... BOTH for your child and yourselves.
The OP wants to put every last penny towards her child. If there was £200 left in the joint and the H spent it on gadgets OP would be angry that it wasn't going towards piano or riding lessons.

I think about it this way:
Say the OP and her DH both had £200 'spending money'. OP puts her towards riding lessons. She can't complain that her H has spent his on personal stuff! She could have spent hers on herself, she just chose not to.

However if DH has loads of free spending money and OP doesn't... can't even afford a couple of days out and children's clothes there's a big issue.

Having read the OP's posts I can't work out who has more spending money but the bit that stood out to me was 'It pisses me off he'd think of himself before our child'... well if the child already has everything she NEEDS , what's wrong with him spending on himself? Extras are just that - extras. He may not even agree that it's necessary for a 5 year old.

*THEIR child of course.
I used 'hers' because that's what the OP said.. not OUR child.. my child. lol

'My DB and SIL are both doctors and manage to work full time with children'
Great. Lucky them. They have the salaries to afford wrap around childcare.

'My DP travels for work regularly. We both work full time, with children.'
Great. Lucky you don't also need to travel regularly for work, cos that wouldn't work.

'My DSis and her DP both work shifts, full time with children.'
Great. Lucky they that their shift pattens allow that. Others don't.

'You consider these things before you have children or give up work.'
What about if your circumstances change or your dc has extra needs?