Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Said his pay rise will be *A little bit more money for himself

295 replies

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:29

Dh came home tonight and started talking about work and how things will change as he’s been given a more managerial role and would likely be a pay rise. After this he said ‘So I might get a little bit more money.,.for myself’ (He said the *For myself part quietly.
Aibu to be pissed off at this?
I work part time around our dc, 5 and am always the one dropping her, picking her up, doing the majority of childcare, household tasks, bills, organisation etc.
All our money goes into the same account for the mortgage, bills, food etc
Aibu to feel pissed off that he said the extra bit of money he gets will be for himself?
Barely any of the money I earn is *For myself, everything goes on bills and my Dd

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 08/08/2023 18:30

Depends really.

GrazingSheep · 08/08/2023 18:30

What’s stopping you taking some of the joint money for yourself?

JanglyBeads · 08/08/2023 18:30

YADNBU.

And he knows it, hence the quieter voice.

TeaKitten · 08/08/2023 18:31

Sounds like a big overreaction to a passing comment that was him being proud of his promotion really, do you dislike him generally? Can you work full time for more money for yourself if this bothers you?

evtheria · 08/08/2023 18:31

Yanbu.

Everyone wants a bit more spending money for their hobbies or to do with as they please, but that was a PA way to discuss both of you getting a bit more disposable now the household income will increase.

redskytwonight · 08/08/2023 18:34

Did he just mean that it will be nice to have some extra money so he can spend something on himself rather than it all going on mortgage, bills, food etc?
Which doesn't preclude their being more money for you as well.

WhateverMate · 08/08/2023 18:35

Lol I'm reminded of that kid called 'Brick' in that show 'Middle', with the quiet whisper 😄

Go full time at work OP and he can spend the extra money on childcare.

maddening · 08/08/2023 18:36

Tell him that if all money is not to be shared then he needs to take on 50% of childcare so you can work on your career.

Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:38

It’s hard for me to go full time as we’d have to pay extra childcare etc. None of us really have money for ourselves as such, well he spends on his hobby and if we need new clothes we get. Any bits of money I use are for taking Dd out or doing things with her, that’s it.
So yes, the whole lot will need to be looked at so I also get some money for myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:38

@maddening Exactly!

OP posts:
SummerDuck · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ultimately you are a SAHM, which your DH is enabling you to do. The money he earns is his to decide how to spend. You are not entitled to take it for your own spending money.

BrawnWild · 08/08/2023 18:39

Ask him if this means he can afford to reduce his hours and pick up more childcare so that you can pick up the hours to improve your prospects.

MimiSunshine · 08/08/2023 18:40

Depends. DH I would say that as a joke.

He said woohoo, i can get a new car when I told him my bonus. I laughed and said no chance, I’m keeping it all to myself.

in reality, a new car for him would be for me too and my plans for the money is something for both of us.

it dies sound like you need to talk about the sacrifices you’re making though to benefit the family. Earnings and pension being the key here.

i wouldn’t specifically relate that to his extra pay though

Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:40

@evtheria Exactly, and why say it quietly, it felt deliberate. So it’s ok the money I earn has to go on everything, but now this extra part will all be for him 🤷🏻‍♀️why not say for the family? My first thought if I was earning more would be that I’d have extra for Dd if needed.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 08/08/2023 18:41

It’s very simple, you pay the bills proportionally, therefore you both end up with extra money

if he quibbles tell him you will go back full time and you can both pay for childcare

Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:41

@SummerDuck ? I work, I’m not a Sahm? I earn a good wage and don’t spend it on myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:42

@BrawnWild Yep, this is it.

OP posts:
Changeforachange · 08/08/2023 18:49

You're entitled to some money of your own OP.

I do believe it's time for a sit down & a family finance review with your DH.

Remind him to use his big voice when telling you how much he spends in hobbies, not his little whispery one.

rwalker · 08/08/2023 18:53

It’s a difficult one because ultimately it’s him picking up the responsibility hassle pressure and extra shit that goes with management

if your ticking along sort of ok now financially tbh I don’t think I could be arsed with the grief that comes with management

irrespective of this promotion you should have your own money anyway

Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:54

@Changeforachange Ha ha, yes, exactly

OP posts:
Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:55

@rwalker Tbh, he’s already been basically doing this role anyway, but a couple of workers have left, so more work will be put solely on him, hence he should get a pay rise

OP posts:
Usernamen · 08/08/2023 18:58

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 18:38

It’s hard for me to go full time as we’d have to pay extra childcare etc. None of us really have money for ourselves as such, well he spends on his hobby and if we need new clothes we get. Any bits of money I use are for taking Dd out or doing things with her, that’s it.
So yes, the whole lot will need to be looked at so I also get some money for myself

Go full-time and pay for childcare - it’s better for your longterm earning potential.

If I were your DP I’d be a bit frustrated too, that I was going ahead and getting promotions while my spouse was holding their career and earning potential back by working part-time.

CrapBucket · 08/08/2023 18:59

It doesn’t sound like your family is a team. It sounds like you and your DD are the family and he sees himself as much more separate. Ie he thinks of himself first, you think of DD first. I could well be projecting massively though as this is what my ex was like (still is like really, he doesn’t put the kids first).

Original poster
Augustisthesundayofsummer · 08/08/2023 19:00

@CrapBucket Thats how it felt, him saying this

OP posts:
Riapia · 08/08/2023 19:01

He’s rehearsing for the part of the villain in the Christmas panto.
You weren’t supposed to hear the words “for myself “, that was for the audience. Did he give a horrid little cackle as he said it.