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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your husband...

280 replies

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 04:32

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

OP posts:
M4J4 · 08/08/2023 04:37

This is honestly disgusting. And he is a hypocrite, perving on female colleagues and then criticising one of them for messaging a colleague when he is no better.

I’d be so tempted to tell the workplace anonymously what their sexist culture is allowing but I know that’s hard.

I think there is also a high chance these men are using sex workers.

girifir · 08/08/2023 04:37

I would not be happy at all

scrantonelectriccity · 08/08/2023 04:43

I think there is also a high chance these men are using sex workers.

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?

wlana · 08/08/2023 05:41

You could maybe come at it from the pov of you hope nobody pervs on your dds in 10 years time. and what a difficult world they’re going to have to live in.

That said, it’s pretty naive to put up bikini pictures to a wide audience including colleagues/publicly and not to consider what might happen to them.

MissTrip82 · 08/08/2023 05:48

scrantonelectriccity · 08/08/2023 04:43

I think there is also a high chance these men are using sex workers.

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?

Long experience of FIFO in Australia?

That suggestion wouldn’t surprise me at all.

WandaWonder · 08/08/2023 05:58

There are 2 separate things to me, Both men and women I have seen act this way and I don't think it is nice but it happens

But you can think it is gross or whatever but you would have to say 'I snooped on your phone and did not like what I have found' not sure what else you can say really

Canisaysomething · 08/08/2023 06:26

It's really grim and deeply unattractive. I would tell your DH it needs to stop if he wants your marriage to continue as it's so repulsive.

FarEast · 08/08/2023 06:30

I’d be very angry. YANBU.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 06:45

scrantonelectriccity · 08/08/2023 04:43

I think there is also a high chance these men are using sex workers.

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?

Through sheer common sense and deduction.

Tilep · 08/08/2023 07:10

I’d question who I married.

TookTheBook · 08/08/2023 07:15

This is hugely disrespectful to their female colleagues. If your DH has been participating in this, I'd assume he was a misogynistic pig and question how he saw you and your kids. It would be a deal-breaker.

Oneweektogo2023 · 08/08/2023 07:18

He and his work colleagues are gross and desperate 🤮 They should all be sacked.

Kingoftheroad · 08/08/2023 07:25

Dreadful unprofessional and immoral behaviour. Those girls may well find out about this and raise an official complaint or a grievance. For a husband and father of this age to take part in this is unacceptable. I wouldn’t care if he knew I’d looked at his phone.

LetItGoHome · 08/08/2023 07:36

I'd have to let him know how vile and unattractive he is to me now. I wouldn't care that I looked at his phone. What you found proves you were right to take a look!

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 07:38

I’d be so tempted to tell the workplace anonymously what their sexist culture is allowing but I know that’s hard.

They already know. They’ve fired someone for it.

Dacadactyl · 08/08/2023 07:46

I would be so fuming about this I'd barely be able to look at him.

I'd also be wondering whether I knew my DH at all. This sort of leery behaviour would be so far from what I'd expect of him that it'd shake me to my core tbh.

PlasticineKing · 08/08/2023 07:49

If my DH did this and work found out, he’d lose his job.

Your DH and his colleagues are gross.

TeenMum87 · 08/08/2023 07:51

Very inappropriate behaviour on DH part. However, Aussies are years behind us in all things PC so I can see how this kind of behaviour is still going on over there. As for looking on his phone, I’d happily do it if I thought I’d find something. Good luck.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 08/08/2023 07:53

It would give me the ick and I wouldn’t want to have sex with him ever again.

AnSolas · 08/08/2023 07:56

wlana · 08/08/2023 05:41

You could maybe come at it from the pov of you hope nobody pervs on your dds in 10 years time. and what a difficult world they’re going to have to live in.

That said, it’s pretty naive to put up bikini pictures to a wide audience including colleagues/publicly and not to consider what might happen to them.

The employees perving on other employees can be sacked.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 08:19

I’d be so tempted to tell the workplace anonymously what their sexist culture is allowing but I know that’s hard.

It wouldn't be hard, but it would be pointless - one of the men in the group is the company director... it seems it was all fun and games to perv on these young women together but he had to fire the guy once the girl made a complaint about it.

Aussies are years behind us in all things PC so I can see how this kind of behaviour is still going on over there

None of the men in question are Australian. All British and Irish.

The guy who got fired instigated most of it from what I can see (I think some messages were deleted) which is bad enough but I guess forgivable considering you can't help what someone sends you. However, my husband took those photos he was sent and shared them with at least two other men. So he wasn't simply a passive observer.

I'm really rattled.

OP posts:
Onedownonetogooo · 08/08/2023 08:29

before saying anything to him I’d go through his phone -
intetnet , calls , what’sapp , instagram and fb messages and have a good look.
Then if contact him .
I couldn’t move past this!

Onedownonetogooo · 08/08/2023 08:31

Bstore saying anything to him I’d go through his phone -
internet history , calls , what’s-app , instagram and fb messages and have a good look for any things else.
Then if confront him .
I couldn’t move past this!
I’d have the ick and be so disappointed I couldn’t bare to have sex with him!

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 08:55

before saying anything to him I’d go through his phone -
intetnet , calls , what’sapp , instagram and fb messages and have a good look.

I had a good look through. There was a few text messages back and forth with one of the office administrators that diverged from work related stuff into being what I would consider a bit over friendly. She then gave him her private phone number but said he wouldn't need it and he brought my name up and ended it there it seems.

What do I say to him?! As I looked at his phone I know he will be angry and will deflect away from anything I say and put the focus on my snooping. I feel like there's a whole other side of him I don't know, after more than a decade together.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 08/08/2023 09:23

TeenMum87 · 08/08/2023 07:51

Very inappropriate behaviour on DH part. However, Aussies are years behind us in all things PC so I can see how this kind of behaviour is still going on over there. As for looking on his phone, I’d happily do it if I thought I’d find something. Good luck.

This seems to be almost excusing Aussie men!