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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your husband...

280 replies

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 04:32

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 16:25

Thanks Maray1967 I think printing them out or writing something down, like Onedownonetogooo suggested, are both good ideas.

Would you really consider ending a marriage over something like this? I'm struggling with the feeling that I'm overreacting since it's not something as "serious" as say infidelity, but at the same time I feel quite wounded about it. It's been on my mind all day and I'm feeling uncharacteristically tearful.

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 08/08/2023 16:44

I would end my marriage over it because I just wouldn’t feel the same way about my partner, knowing they behaved like this.

I would despise them, and that’s not a basis for a healthy relationship.

However, you must do what is right for you OP.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 16:53

Thanks Coralsunset I don't despise him but I definitely feel very disappointed and I guess "ick" over it. The trust has been shaken - I'm concerned that I'll constantly worry about what he's looking at on his phone now and become paranoid and suspicious all the time, which doesn't bode well long term...

OP posts:
Masterofhappydays · 08/08/2023 21:52

Take your time to work through your feelings, you don’t have to make any life altering decisions right now. Maybe let him know that you’re contemplating ending the marriage and then work through feelings together. But whatever you choose to do, do what you want to do xx

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 22:49

Thanks Masterofhappydays, I'm not going to do anything today. I was tossing and turning all night last night over this and got about two hours sleep so I'm going to try and sleep tonight and will hopefully have a clearer head tomorrow.

It seems pretty unanimous by the poll that most women would be uncomfortable with this, so that gives me faith that I'm not over reacting

OP posts:
Greenberg2 · 08/08/2023 22:53

wlana · 08/08/2023 05:41

You could maybe come at it from the pov of you hope nobody pervs on your dds in 10 years time. and what a difficult world they’re going to have to live in.

That said, it’s pretty naive to put up bikini pictures to a wide audience including colleagues/publicly and not to consider what might happen to them.

I can honestly say in that all my many years of life I have never shared photos of my male colleagues in their swimming trunks with other female colleagues. Why? Because I'm not a pervy weirdo.

It's not up to women to not be able to post photos on their SM in case some perve decides to share them at work.

Greenberg2 · 08/08/2023 22:56

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 16:25

Thanks Maray1967 I think printing them out or writing something down, like Onedownonetogooo suggested, are both good ideas.

Would you really consider ending a marriage over something like this? I'm struggling with the feeling that I'm overreacting since it's not something as "serious" as say infidelity, but at the same time I feel quite wounded about it. It's been on my mind all day and I'm feeling uncharacteristically tearful.

I don't know. But it would make me feel differently about him. I can't bear creepy men. I hated it when I was a young woman and men perved at me and I hate it now when I see men perving at young women. It just turns my stomach and I don't think I could imagine wanting to have sex with him.

Purplepeaches123 · 08/08/2023 22:58

Honestly I’d leave him. That would be a deal breaker for me because it’s repulsive and I couldn’t share my life with someone that thought that was acceptable.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/08/2023 23:01

scrantonelectriccity · 08/08/2023 04:43

I think there is also a high chance these men are using sex workers.

How on earth have you come to that conclusion?

Because it happens absolutely all the time, all over the world in these types of industries. I’m guessing this is mining but it certainly happens very very frequently on oil and gas also.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 23:05

Yes I too really hate pervy men for the same reasons Greenberg2 he knows this and knows I worry about this sort of thing in our DDs futures. I can't reconcile the conversations he has with me with the way he acts when I'm not around. It's really unnerving and as though I don't really know the man I married.

OP posts:
NooNaNa · 08/08/2023 23:06

I'll be flamed on here for this but aside from the namalts I'd say that a lot of men are the same.

They pretend to be appalled. They know what to say to their wives, daughters and mothers but when it comes down to it they are (except for a few princes) tribal monsters capable of who knows what.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 23:22

I've been thinking this NooNaNa, that many men if given the opportunity would do awful things to women. I remember a study a few years back that said a third of college men said they would rape a woman if there were no consequences. A huge section of them seem to be utterly depraved. I naively thought I had one of the genuinely good ones but I'm not so confident about that now.

OP posts:
JeremyFischer · 09/08/2023 00:55

Hello OP, man here, posting as slightly baffled at some responses so attempting some balance (bracing self for a flaming - just an opinion).

  1. Obviously seedy and inappropriate behaviour. You are entitled to be angry, disappointed and expect better.
  2. If this is the extent of it, it is absurd for it to be marriage-ending as some have suggested, and there's a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage for some posters to suggest this.
  3. Baseless speculation on use of sex workers is baseless speculation, and should be treated as such.
  4. NooNaNa half has it. Many men are similar and know what to say to loved ones etc. because it's easier, and the alternative will appear bad, lecherous. This will be habit for him, but create dissonance between appearance and reality for you. It is predictable and not indicative of a deeper depravity.
  5. But this sort of deception does not mean they will be tribal monsters as NooNaNa suggests. A few may be. A few will also be Mr Darcys/Mr Bingleys (but probably not those participating in WhatsApp groups of the order described here). Most will be in the middle.
  6. The reality is that the vast majority of heterosexual men will be attracted to most (young) women. 20 year age gaps are not reprehensible for men (sorry). Note, it is perfectly compatible to be so attracted (i.e. think of young women sexually) and respect them, their character, or professionally, contrary to what many posters appear to suggest. That's when men get down on one knee... (I say 'young' here as that is the topic of this thread...)
  7. I know you are not trying to be the thought police (see point 1). Vocalising it is quite bad, and especially the disparaging stuff (criticising women perceived to be unattractive is really cruel, but unclear whether your DH participated), in my opinion. Unlike anyone here, you'll know your DH best. I suspect he's been a bit weak and got carried away with male group mentality. You'll have to make up your mind as to whether you are a good judge of character, noting point 4. If you think you've got one of the good ones, you probably have, despite this.

Best wishes.

Masterofhappydays · 09/08/2023 01:12

JeremyFischer · 09/08/2023 00:55

Hello OP, man here, posting as slightly baffled at some responses so attempting some balance (bracing self for a flaming - just an opinion).

  1. Obviously seedy and inappropriate behaviour. You are entitled to be angry, disappointed and expect better.
  2. If this is the extent of it, it is absurd for it to be marriage-ending as some have suggested, and there's a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage for some posters to suggest this.
  3. Baseless speculation on use of sex workers is baseless speculation, and should be treated as such.
  4. NooNaNa half has it. Many men are similar and know what to say to loved ones etc. because it's easier, and the alternative will appear bad, lecherous. This will be habit for him, but create dissonance between appearance and reality for you. It is predictable and not indicative of a deeper depravity.
  5. But this sort of deception does not mean they will be tribal monsters as NooNaNa suggests. A few may be. A few will also be Mr Darcys/Mr Bingleys (but probably not those participating in WhatsApp groups of the order described here). Most will be in the middle.
  6. The reality is that the vast majority of heterosexual men will be attracted to most (young) women. 20 year age gaps are not reprehensible for men (sorry). Note, it is perfectly compatible to be so attracted (i.e. think of young women sexually) and respect them, their character, or professionally, contrary to what many posters appear to suggest. That's when men get down on one knee... (I say 'young' here as that is the topic of this thread...)
  7. I know you are not trying to be the thought police (see point 1). Vocalising it is quite bad, and especially the disparaging stuff (criticising women perceived to be unattractive is really cruel, but unclear whether your DH participated), in my opinion. Unlike anyone here, you'll know your DH best. I suspect he's been a bit weak and got carried away with male group mentality. You'll have to make up your mind as to whether you are a good judge of character, noting point 4. If you think you've got one of the good ones, you probably have, despite this.

Best wishes.

There you go, OP. Everything is good. The random man said so. Forgive your DH and move on. 🙄

  1. yes, quite right, the behaviour is seedy and the OP can and does expect better. You should have stopped there.
  2. Probably every woman while younger was made to feel objectified by strange, old men. We hated those men. We hated how they made us feel. If we fast forward 20 years and find out we’re married to one of those men, trust us, we feel a repulsion that makes us not only want to be not married to that idiot anymore but also want to exterminate any man who behaves like that. Those poor young women having to endure what we once did. It’s not jealousy we feel because of them, we feel embarrassed that the world has not moved on and that our daughters are being subjected to old dirty men.
  3. Not a baseless speculation for sex workers. There’s brothels everywhere in Australia (I live here); especially around places where they know British and Irish workers are based. Men who view women as sex objects usually use women as sex objects.
  4. Yep. We know a lot of men are like this. We also know a lot of men are not like this. When we decide we want a man who isn’t like this, one who respects women (and everyone) and sees them as more than what they look like, we are happy. When/if we find out our husbands are nothing more than misogynistic creeps, we feel a bit down about it. Especially if we have children (daughters!!!) with them.
  5. Looking and finding someone attractive is normal. Nobody disputes that. OP’s husband however is speaking appallingly about his work colleagues and sharing their pictures. Look and appreciate is great. We pretty much all do that. It’s the actions afterwards that OP has the issue with.
  6. respecting young women you find attractive is possible, yes. However OP’s husband has been anything but respectful. Again, that’s the issue.
  7. Yes he was weak, carried away in “men mentality” hence why OP now views him as a piece of trash, has the ick and no longer thinks she has got “one of the good ones” as the good ones don’t do this!
ashitghost · 09/08/2023 01:17

I’d tell him to not bother coming back.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 09/08/2023 01:20

Why the fuck do all the men on here feel the need to announce their presence? They always say 'man here'. Well no shit sherlock. Even if you would not have felt the need to let us women know, the majority can tell from your response.

Their perspective about something like this is so skewed. It's irrelevant.

Hivaluegirl · 09/08/2023 01:22

This is absolutely disgusting

QueenBitch666 · 09/08/2023 01:37

Absolutely grim
Raise your standards

Pandaparty · 09/08/2023 05:27

QueenBitch666 · 09/08/2023 01:37

Absolutely grim
Raise your standards

If this is directed at the OP, it's unnecessary. She already had high standards - that's why she's so repulsed and upset that her husband was only pretending to meet them and is actually being a pervy creep when he thinks she isn't around to see.

I think men can be worse for compartmentalising. I wonder if working away has made him worse in this respect - he's away from wife and family and goes into single man, brotherhood mode. Not excusing him in anyway; it's disgusting behaviour.
I hope you got some sleep tonight at any rate, OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2023 06:19

Oh goody. A man arrived to tell the women how they should be thinking 🙄

And oh how I chuckled when he told us off for “a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage”.

As for the “baseless” speculation. It’s hardly baseless is it, when several women have been on the end of this exact behaviour.

Masterofhappydays · 09/08/2023 06:35

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2023 06:19

Oh goody. A man arrived to tell the women how they should be thinking 🙄

And oh how I chuckled when he told us off for “a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage”.

As for the “baseless” speculation. It’s hardly baseless is it, when several women have been on the end of this exact behaviour.

“worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage” aka

Women, you must respect your commitment in marriage by turning a blind eye to a husband’s poor behaviour…

One of the most enabling and ridiculous things I’ve heard in my life.

Fucks sake. Why don’t men respect their commitment to marriage and stop trying to sexualise every other woman.

I’ll await the “males are biologically programmed” responses from random man.

Okaygoahead · 09/08/2023 06:38

Thank you @Masterofhappydays for your excellent responses. I do wish MN had a ‘like’ option!

user1492757084 · 09/08/2023 06:48

If your husband has shared that his work mate was fired then you are able to discuss the whole issue.
I would discuss it in length and also with your girls.
Your husband needs to know how you all expect him to behave like a good role model - in preparation for when his own daughters work there with him.

Discuss how important respecting him is to your future.
Suggest his daughters visit him. Inquire how they could get holiday work. Ask whether they might meet a suitable boyfriend. Remind him that he flies to a place closely connected to the civilised place where you all are and the same rules apply..

He needs jolting back into reality that this place at the end of the earth is actually part of today, part of your daughters' country. His girls need to have faith in him to create a fair workplace and to live up to what is a respectful human.

Greenberg2 · 09/08/2023 09:05

JeremyFischer · 09/08/2023 00:55

Hello OP, man here, posting as slightly baffled at some responses so attempting some balance (bracing self for a flaming - just an opinion).

  1. Obviously seedy and inappropriate behaviour. You are entitled to be angry, disappointed and expect better.
  2. If this is the extent of it, it is absurd for it to be marriage-ending as some have suggested, and there's a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage for some posters to suggest this.
  3. Baseless speculation on use of sex workers is baseless speculation, and should be treated as such.
  4. NooNaNa half has it. Many men are similar and know what to say to loved ones etc. because it's easier, and the alternative will appear bad, lecherous. This will be habit for him, but create dissonance between appearance and reality for you. It is predictable and not indicative of a deeper depravity.
  5. But this sort of deception does not mean they will be tribal monsters as NooNaNa suggests. A few may be. A few will also be Mr Darcys/Mr Bingleys (but probably not those participating in WhatsApp groups of the order described here). Most will be in the middle.
  6. The reality is that the vast majority of heterosexual men will be attracted to most (young) women. 20 year age gaps are not reprehensible for men (sorry). Note, it is perfectly compatible to be so attracted (i.e. think of young women sexually) and respect them, their character, or professionally, contrary to what many posters appear to suggest. That's when men get down on one knee... (I say 'young' here as that is the topic of this thread...)
  7. I know you are not trying to be the thought police (see point 1). Vocalising it is quite bad, and especially the disparaging stuff (criticising women perceived to be unattractive is really cruel, but unclear whether your DH participated), in my opinion. Unlike anyone here, you'll know your DH best. I suspect he's been a bit weak and got carried away with male group mentality. You'll have to make up your mind as to whether you are a good judge of character, noting point 4. If you think you've got one of the good ones, you probably have, despite this.

Best wishes.

Oh look! Mansplaining in the wild.

Gosh they're all so helpful. Explaining to women how they should consider perviness by their male colleagues.

And goody, if we're young, they might respect us too, but only might, and then they'll offer you the golden opportunity of being tied to them as an ageing, pervy husband. I'm sure they'll be biting your hands off for the chance.

Original poster
Secondplace · 09/08/2023 09:31

I did actually go through most of those thoughts yesterday JeremyFischer. Wondering if I was over-reacting, this was just "laddish" behaviour that's normal amongst men etc. but actually your first point is enough.

I also simply don't accept that it's normal for men in their 40's to be sexually attracted to teenage girls closer to their daughter's age than their own. I actually do think that is indicative of a deeper depravity/a major character flaw. I was that teenage girl once and I remember those creepy bastards all too well and how I felt when it was done to me.

The idea that my husband was simply a bit weak and got carried away with the boys is laughable. He is a very confident man, has no problem asserting his opinion on any matter. Like I said above, if he has been a passive observer to these messages I'd get it. I understand calling it out and putting a stop to it is beyond the capabilities of most men (hence why we have the rapey societies we have), but he could have said nothing, or even just laughed along even. He didn't do that. He actively got involved in a grim conversation and not only that, but the worst part to me is he carried that conversation on with other men and sent those girl's photos around to people who weren't in the original conversation - he can't claim group pressure on that front.

Your point about posters having a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage aptly sums up my thoughts about my husband. He left a young family and flew more than 10,000 miles from home, when he knew his wife wasn't particularly happy about it. The idea was he was going to put his head down and work his arse off so at least the distance from his young children would pay off/be worth it. I made significant sacrifices so he could do so and didn't exactly enjoy being the only parent on hand for months at a time. I feel massively disrespected that he seems to be treating this move as his little gap year to leer at young women in the sunshine. He unequivocally knows that I would be disgusted by this and he did it anyway. That, in my view, shows a fundamental disregard for the commitment involved in his marriage and worse again - a fundamental disregard for his daughter's happiness and safety in the future. He is enabling and extending the culture that puts girls at a huge disadvantage in life. I hate him for doing this.

Thanks for posting. It's consolidated my thoughts somewhat and I feel much more prepared to counter the minimisation and excuses that will inevitably come my way when I bring it up with him.

OP posts:
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