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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your husband...

280 replies

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 04:32

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 10/08/2023 14:23

More than anything I would be furious that he is risking his job like this... all it takes is for someone in the group to become disgruntled and throw all the participants under the bus.

Not to mention the fact its incredibly disrespectful, unprofessional and sexist.

Pandaparty · 10/08/2023 14:41

If I stay I know I'm not likely to forget the glimpse of the man I saw and will now probably always worry if he can be really trusted.

I think this is the crux of it. It's not an affair or DV or hiding debt situation - all of which are now socially acceptable reasons for leaving a marriage. It's less overt than that - it's the kind of thing that is so often downplayed (even on this thread, by other men) as 'boys being boys' banter or 'locker room talk' and yet, it's so deeply unpleasant and revealing about what kind of man he is, and his attitude to women. I suspect if you do stay with him it will fester. And it sounds like he'd already let you down by fucking off to the other side of the world to work/live out his mid-life crisis free of the wife and daughters.

Codlingmoths · 10/08/2023 14:45

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 10:54

Clearly it hasn’t or this thread wouldn’t exist.

Show quote history

I’m an Aussie in Australia and I can categorically say I would take that to hr and I think I’d expect them to be fired. It’s a clear and serious breach of our workplace policies.

Codlingmoths · 10/08/2023 14:47

the fact is that his reason for working away is no longer in any way true- he says it would be good for his career but now you know he is more likely to get caught out and fired, so I would suggest he find a new job more locally where he could pull his weight since he is too distracted by girls his daughters age to focus on career progression.

But, if you just can’t look at him again, which is fair enough, is it easier to split while he’s working away?

Original poster
Secondplace · 10/08/2023 15:01

Hufflemuff · 10/08/2023 14:23

More than anything I would be furious that he is risking his job like this... all it takes is for someone in the group to become disgruntled and throw all the participants under the bus.

Not to mention the fact its incredibly disrespectful, unprofessional and sexist.

My suspicion is that's why he is keeping friendly /in contact with the guy who was fired. That man is very disgruntled right now and is hot headed. A few posters have said their behaviour was a massive no-no over there and so presumably that guy could ruin things for my H at work and he also knows where we live so could easily contact me in revenge if he felt H was shunning him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondplace · 10/08/2023 15:36

Pandaparty · 10/08/2023 14:41

If I stay I know I'm not likely to forget the glimpse of the man I saw and will now probably always worry if he can be really trusted.

I think this is the crux of it. It's not an affair or DV or hiding debt situation - all of which are now socially acceptable reasons for leaving a marriage. It's less overt than that - it's the kind of thing that is so often downplayed (even on this thread, by other men) as 'boys being boys' banter or 'locker room talk' and yet, it's so deeply unpleasant and revealing about what kind of man he is, and his attitude to women. I suspect if you do stay with him it will fester. And it sounds like he'd already let you down by fucking off to the other side of the world to work/live out his mid-life crisis free of the wife and daughters.

This is it Pandaparty, it's so easy to downplay, which is what I think he'll do and try to make me feel foolish for making a mountain out of a molehill. Even though, internally, it feels like a significant betrayal I've also been oscillating back and forth between hurt to downplaying it/thinking I'm completely overreacting. When posters were initially replying that they'd end their marriages over this I was thinking "Really? Would they? Surely not, they're probably just saying that?" as it seems so very extreme, but it's left me with such a feeling of disgust I don't want to be anywhere near him at the minute.

Essentially I'm all over the place! We're leaving soon to go home and I've such a knot in my stomach 😬

OP posts:
spicychickennoodle · 10/08/2023 15:41

Secondplace · 10/08/2023 15:01

My suspicion is that's why he is keeping friendly /in contact with the guy who was fired. That man is very disgruntled right now and is hot headed. A few posters have said their behaviour was a massive no-no over there and so presumably that guy could ruin things for my H at work and he also knows where we live so could easily contact me in revenge if he felt H was shunning him.

Show quote history

Perhaps this man is gathering evidence and will make sure they are all fired eventually, not just him.

spicychickennoodle · 10/08/2023 15:44

I’d be tempted not to say anything to him, let him leave for Australia and check his phone again when he comes back. And during that time prepare to leave him.

spicychickennoodle · 10/08/2023 15:45

Because what it comes down to is that you don’t want to be with someone like him. Not many would.

railmaternity · 10/08/2023 16:08

I’m sorry about your situation OP. I think it’s compounded by the fact you put so much faith and belief into the man he was and that you fell in love with when you supported him going to Australia in the first place.

If it helps, here’s a social media post that went viral about data into who we spend time with the most during different stages of our life. Do you want to get to 60 and most of your time be spent with your current DH? The data was on American people but the insights of the social media apply here as well I think.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck5pGvpONab/

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2020/12/who-do-we-spend-time-with-across-our-lifetime/

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck5pGvpONab/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Original poster
Secondplace · 10/08/2023 16:28

spicychickennoodle · 10/08/2023 15:44

I’d be tempted not to say anything to him, let him leave for Australia and check his phone again when he comes back. And during that time prepare to leave him.

When he leaves this time, he won't be back home again until Christmas. It's a long time to keep my mouth shut, but it would give me time to have a good think I suppose, and not jump the gun while emotions are high and he has to leave again.

The only "positive" I can see is that none of the messages are very recent. The last ones I can see are from the end of May. I can't remember exactly when that guy got fired (I think it was June) but perhaps it gave them enough of a shake to stop what they were doing? All but one of them is married with children so there's a lot at stake between work and families.

Of course it could just be that he deleted the recent ones and forgot about the older ones (I had to scroll back a good bit to find them). Might be wise to wait as you say, think through everything properly/get some ducks in a row and then check again at Christmas if needs be...

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondplace · 10/08/2023 16:46

Thanks railmaternity

it’s compounded by the fact you put so much faith and belief into the man he was and that you fell in love with

I did. I thought we were so compatible and never once had doubts over my decision to make a life with this man. I was happy and content with him in a way I'd never been before. I've had relationships with good men, bad men and a couple in between and would never have pegged myself as someone who is naive, so I don't know how I missed this/got it so wrong. The disappointment is pretty crushing.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 10/08/2023 16:52

I feel so bad for you, OP. Those messages are appalling. Absolutely terrible company culture.

Desperatetime · 10/08/2023 17:02

Nasty horrible male specimens don't think they even like women.

spicychickennoodle · 10/08/2023 17:04

Well working abroad for long periods only work if you have trust for each other. He has showed you who he truly is and trust is gone.

Desperatetime · 10/08/2023 17:05

He's probably staying in with the in crowd op and keeping himself entertained despite the fact it's gross and inappropriate I would definitely be calling him out on it.

Puppiesandflowers · 01/10/2023 14:47

HELP!!!!

my husband constantly fancies other women… I found out recently he tried to get super close to a woman at work that he really fancies ( she wasn’t interested!) he says it was for professional reasons but his comments to her were very OTT!!! He is OTT with being over friendly to people but I feel when u fancy someone at work etc u should create distance - yet he tried everything to get close to this woman and the only reason he didn’t succeed was because she is very loyal to her partner and wasn’t interested in him in the slightest.
He fancies so many women and idolises them and gives them so much attention! I just feel so unsafe in my marriage due to him persistently trying to impress, get attention from and trying to get so close to other women he fancies.
On our 20th anniversary- we went out to celebrate and a young woman gave him a little bit of flirty attention. He was very excited, and I can only imagine what he would have done if I wasn’t there. I very nearly left him over this level of disrespect but we are still trying to work things out and he’s trying to stop being so over zealous with women he fancies. I just don’t trust him and I don’t know how to trust him after the lies he’s told me and the way he has behaved with me there and when he’s away at work or on work conferences! He’s devastated that I nearly left him and he’s trying to make things better but I’m just exhausted! It’s been the same pattern of behaviour for 22 years! I just want out but I’m trying to keep my family together - I just hate this ongoing situation and I can’t see it ever ending!!! He hasn’t cheated apparently but he gets as close as he can! Cheating isn’t just sleeping with someone! There’s so many levels of betrayal and I’m in a situation where I feel leaving my marriage and spitting up my family because my husband idolises women he works with, see’s on a night out etc and is super friendly to them ( I reiterate he’s OTT friendly to everyone) is not a good enough reason to leave!!! I hate having to live with a man who adores other women and tries to get close to them all the time!!! I know he’s OTT friendly but u have to draw the line sometimes!!! What would u do?! AIBU?!

HaPPineS · 16/10/2023 11:26

Totally inappropriate behaviour from your husband. Disrespectful to you, the women involved as well as his own reputation. He shouldn’t be behaving like that under any circumstance you have every right to be disappointed and angry with it - hope it sorts itself out but behaving like that can seriously undermine and damage a marriage

Nantescalling · 20/02/2024 17:13

M4J4 · 08/08/2023 04:37

This is honestly disgusting. And he is a hypocrite, perving on female colleagues and then criticising one of them for messaging a colleague when he is no better.

I’d be so tempted to tell the workplace anonymously what their sexist culture is allowing but I know that’s hard.

I think there is also a high chance these men are using sex workers.

Why sex workers?

tuvamoodyson · 20/02/2024 17:29

No, I don’t think there is any cheating going on either…what young woman would be interested in a disgusting, leering, pervy 42 year old?

MILTOBE · 20/02/2024 18:10

I've just read this right through, @Secondplace and wondered how you are.

Original poster
Secondplace · 04/03/2024 23:38

Thank you for asking @MILTOBE - I'm doing okay. I actually left! Took my children and moved back to my mums. Not just for the issue in this post alone, there was an escalation in his behaviour and a "final straw" moment, and it forced me to make the jump after being frozen with indecision. I posted about it on here under a different username and the replies were very sobering but supportive which gave me the impetus to put the wheels in motion.

Going through the whole legal thing now/house selling etc. so things are very much up in the air and stressful but most days I feel a sense of peace that I got out. Today I had a wobbly day and so came on here to remind myself how bad I was feeling back then and how I ultimately made the right decision. Trying to take things one day at a time so as to not get overwhelmed by it all.

OP posts:
TrainsPlanesAutos · 05/03/2024 01:57

Why were you snooping on his phone? It wasn’t about this photos thing you found out about by snooping. So why were you snooping? Some other shitty thing he did that sent you on a detective mission? Or you have trust issues? Or what?

JMSA · 05/03/2024 01:59

Oh no, this is just awful behaviour.

I wouldn't be able to look at him in the same way again.

I really feel for you, OP Sad

Caerulea · 05/03/2024 02:23

I just read through all your posts & my lip curled more & more as I progressed thru. Absolutely delighted to get to your update as a free woman!

What a horrible, horrible man. Congratulations on getting rid of it.