WWYD if your husband...

[Secondplace]

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

I wouldn’t be so sure that he’s not ‘done ‘ anything on this mad extended stay/jolly in Australia. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

True Hibiscrubbed. At the moment I don't think he has, but I'm so shocked by some of the things he's said and the longer he's away and living this jack the lad lifestyle the more likely it becomes that he will cross further boundaries doesn't it?

Seconded...

Journo here - if you want to shame them and they’re a big company why not leak to the press?

I've worked in the mines in Australia. If those messages were seen or exposed, they'd get sacked and walked off site immediately. I've seen it happen.

I'm sorry OP, but this just gets worse. Not only are they perving on women they deem "fuckable" but they are bullying women who they think aren't.

I don't think your husband is a good man.

I suspect there have been other signs he isn't the good man you thought he was.

I would make that quote the title page of the file I would prepare including all his messages, to be discussed in great detail. You will then have all the facts to hand for ease of reference.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

That doesn't bode well. It means this is not an isolated occurrence but a pattern of behaviour. I'm sorry to say that you don't quite know the man you married.

Oh dear lord. Sorry for what you're going through. I highly doubt that he didn't use that number! He is a grown man, and anyone who behaves like him, always fears being caught, so he's no exception and said all the right things to this girl just in case you ever saw the messages. Probably also kept the messages as a testament to his innocence when he gets caught revelling in nastiness.

Frankly speaking, this entire situation would be the start of the end of my marriage. I thought an affair was bad. But perverted behaviour is worse, especially when a man has daughters of his own.

I would never let a man project just because I checked his phone. I've checked my husband's phone right in front of him if I suspected something if I thought he was being shifty (much to his anger) because I've been cheated on before, but never found anything on his phone. He wasn't happy about it, and I hate to be in such emotions, but oh well, us women do what we gotta do to feel reassured. And that's that.

My point is, you've discovered a soul shattering part of your husband, and you're processing it all probably wanting (naturally) to wish it away, knowing in your gut that you can't, and this will and has changed your relationship, because it's absolutely repulsive for a man in his 40s to be behaving like this towards other grown women, and much worse when these are girls are in their 20s.

Give yourself some grace.

Process it and the reality of how this may play out, and confront him. Yes he's gonna project, but don't entertain that and stick it on him! Boohoo you shouldn't have checked his phone. But he shouldn't have given you a reason too! Men shouldn't mess with female instinct. They'll never win that argument against a woman who stands firm! Stand firm and confidently. HE IS IN THE WRONG!

And so sorry again that you're having to go through and will go through the awfulness of what this has and will bring. Unfortunately we live in a world where men behave in unjustifiable, and unforgivable ways towards the best of women assuming you've been loyal, and done your part with integrity.

Love to you sis ❤️

Sorry to say, but it's ikely there'll be more where that came from - hence my message and angle in my message.

This shall too pass. But please please don't be that woman who finds a way to stay in this situation and let him worm his way out of it. I'm an adult of parents where my mother stayed with my cheating also perverted father, and as a daughter, as I got older, I could see how much of a perv my dad was, and it used to and still disgusts me! Now in his 60s he's still married to my mum and has married a second wife in her 30s! Please don't give yourself and your daughters layers of avoidable trauma. It never plays out differently. My situation isn't the only one I know of. And all the other I know of, have followed a similar discourse of pure heartache, trauma and angry adults who needed therapy to recover.

Sis, he already has. Denial is a coping mechanism 😔 and when you get to a stage you peel back the layers, you will see, the signs have already been there, but you turned a blind eye (as we all like to do), to not have to accept the reality of how awful this man actually is. But this situation has now become one, where its staring you in the face, and there's no denying what we're talking about here. It's ok to feel that gut wrenching 'how deep does this run' feeling. My heart goes out to you 😔

I think I would let him know you have seen the messages and just tell him you are seriously considering the state of the marriage and while he is away you are going to have a long think about what you will do . And let him stew for now.

Op I'm sorry you are going through this you must be in some sort of shock. If I found what you have found I'd be thinking the following:

1. My husband likes young women and finds that subset very attractive.

1. My husband is objectifyjng young women he works with.

1. My husband has probably been quite flirty with that woman at work if she has been forward enough to give him her private phone number.

1. My husband has been behaving like.a pig with other men at work.

I would definitely get your husband to connect the dots to your daughters in the future when they start working.

I had the usual perving when I was young and working in Manchester. One of the bosses there told me he'd been thinking of me when he got his wife pregnant. Still makes me angry and heave at the same time all these years later.

Such misogyny, it’s revolting.

As someone who is Irish Australian, and married to an Aussie Irishman, I'm sorry to say this isn't the first offensive post I've seen on this thread. FGS can we quit with the offensive stereotypes already! There are sleazy men of every nationality, please don't generalise in such a lazy way.

I'm Irish. 100 per cent, born and bred and living in Ireland. The phrase OP's husband used has been trotted out so many times by so many lads I grew up with and worked with. It is my experience of how sexist and problematic behaviour is excused and minimised. As in, well if that's a problem for you then you won't believe what's on the rest of the phone.

I don't see how my experience - note, I did say "lads at home" in my original post, sorry if that went over your Irish Australian head - is offensive. As a 100 per cent Irish person.

"I also simply don't accept that it's normal for men in their 40's to be sexually attracted to teenage girls closer to their daughter's age than their own."

actually I think it is biologically normal - the comedian sarah pascoe does a really good and important sketch on this, about how physicality plays an important role in the biological urge to reproduce which doesn't diminish in men until much later

BUT - a huge but - what matters is how men handle that. The vast majority recognise it for what it is, look away and would never, ever pursue anything or comment on younger women BECAUSE they know they are so young and not their equal

The problem is that your husband has been actively sharing these images and commenting etc. That is really grim, and akin to those creepy guys you're taking about

I’d have to say something, if I didn’t own up to looking at the phone I’d recreate the scenario as something that a friend or colleague’s husband did and I’d make sure that I referred to our DD and how awful it would be if someone was looking at them in that way and messaging about them. I’d lay that bit on thick! Hopefully he’ll get the message.

Unless I wasn't quite clear, I am also Irish born and bred, and have lived in both Northern Ireland and Ireland, also London for a decade, I have lived in Australia for ten years and am also Australian. I still find your generalizations to be offensive, believe me none of it went over my head. There are sexist pigs everywhere, Ireland and/or Australian men are no better/worse than any other.

What a fantastic fabulous, articulate and sensible post. !!

The rate at which people on here suggest ending a marriage with children on this forum is frankly batshit. Especially with the flimsiest of 'evidence' and with absolutely nothing more to go on than the results you have gleaned through a massive invasion of his privacy . ( if my DH snooped my phone - that would break my trust and be an ACTUAL threat to my marriage)

At present you have no idea if he is 'following the crowd' where 'not to follow the crowd' would single him out for a harder time. Or an instigator.

Sounds like you need a conversation before you consider any life changing moves for your family .

The problem is, the man in question is not respecting his colleagues. He's participating in demeaning conversations about women he finds attractive and bullying conversations about those he doesn't. So Jeremy's post about saying shitty things about these colleagues and respecting them doesn't hold water.

"with absolutely nothing more to go on than the results you have gleaned through a massive invasion of his privacy"

@splitin3 It's interesting how you're turning it around and making OP the villain.

@splitin3

A. We do know he’s an instigator. He’s been forwarding the photos, with accompanying comments to people not on the original group chat.

b. For some of us, the suspicions aren’t “baseless”. We are sharing lived experience of this exact scenario.

c. To accuse the op of showing a “disrespect to marriage” is just breathtakingly ironic.

i hate posts that tell the op how she should feel. How she is feeling is wrong. Because, right from the get go, she’s been very very clear how she feels.

Have you told your dsis?
Are you able to get evidence?