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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your husband...

280 replies

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 04:32

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 08/08/2023 09:24

That's absolutely disgusting. What a horrible invasion of privacy for those poor women. I'd never be able to forgive such a creepy thing, he'd be out the door.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:28

I can’t see how it’s an invasion of their privacy if the images have come from their own FB/Insta accounts. If you put it out there you’re literally asking for comments.

Masterofhappydays · 08/08/2023 09:32

M4J4 · 08/08/2023 09:23

This seems to be almost excusing Aussie men!

Show quote history

I live in Australia and it’s usually the Irish and English men who are the biggest pigs and perverts. The majority are awful. A little bit of skin on show and sun and they turn into sex crazed maggots. Australian men just seem used to seeing so much skin on show and don’t seem to bat an eye.

I disagree with Australia being “behind”.
Ironically OP has also just confirmed that the men in question are all Brits and Irish.

Anyway OP, your husband is a misogynist, a hypocrite and a pervert. What qualities does he bring to the marriage? You sound way too nice to be married to such a loser.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 09:40

If you put it out there you’re literally asking for comments.

One of the photos is just of a girls face, she's sort of pouting to the camera but it's a fairly innocent shot. Her name was on it and I found her on FB. You only have to scroll down her page for a few seconds before you reach photos of her in her school uniform with her friends. I can't imagine for a second that a girl that age puts anything "out there" for men in their 40's (including her boss and his boss) to leer over and share around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 09:53

What qualities does he bring to the marriage? You sound way too nice to be married to such a loser.

Thank you Masterofhappydays. I don't know what positive qualities he brings to be honest. I'm so disappointed right now I'm struggling to think of anything good about him. I would have said he was a loyal and dependable family man but now I'm not so sure. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
sparkleshin · 08/08/2023 09:58

divorce him then

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:58

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 09:40

If you put it out there you’re literally asking for comments.

One of the photos is just of a girls face, she's sort of pouting to the camera but it's a fairly innocent shot. Her name was on it and I found her on FB. You only have to scroll down her page for a few seconds before you reach photos of her in her school uniform with her friends. I can't imagine for a second that a girl that age puts anything "out there" for men in their 40's (including her boss and his boss) to leer over and share around.

It’s out there for anyone to see. Look how easily you found it. And presumably with lax privacy settings. If you share stuff literally anyone can see you can’t complain about invasion of privacy or get upset if it gets shared or leered over.

I completely see where you’re coming from in not being impressed by your bloke’s behaviour on your own behalf. If the girls involved aren’t happy the answer lies in their hands.

M4J4 · 08/08/2023 10:06

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:58

It’s out there for anyone to see. Look how easily you found it. And presumably with lax privacy settings. If you share stuff literally anyone can see you can’t complain about invasion of privacy or get upset if it gets shared or leered over.

I completely see where you’re coming from in not being impressed by your bloke’s behaviour on your own behalf. If the girls involved aren’t happy the answer lies in their hands.

Show quote history

Of course OP can complain. Not sure where you work but a bunch of men pilfering pictures of bikini-clad female colleagues from their social media to share on WhatsApp groups with male colleagues would be grounds for dismissal.

OP, could you anonymously warn the women what these men are doing?

HowToSaveAWife · 08/08/2023 10:08

Your husband, like most men, is quite happy to partake in egregious behaviour... Until someone's looking. It was all fun for him until someone got caught. Now it's a problem.

I don't think I could tolerate or trust him ever again, especially since you have DDs. Absolutely no joined up thinking that these girls and women are someone's daughter.

The same men are always the ones who are beyond overprotective when DDs start hanging around and dating boys... because they know what boys and men are like. Let him work away there in Oz. You change the locks.

M4J4 · 08/08/2023 10:11

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:28

I can’t see how it’s an invasion of their privacy if the images have come from their own FB/Insta accounts. If you put it out there you’re literally asking for comments.

The world has moved on, Blossom.

AmazingSnakeHead · 08/08/2023 10:22

Horrible men like your husband is what forces many young capable girls out of their first choice profession. It is just another reminder that no matter how capable and driven you are, there will always be older men for whom you are just eye candy. What he has done is degenerate. Try and imagine what it must be like to leer over photos like that and then go into work, see these girls and act normal. Of course they'll be seeing them primarily as objects for sex. Quite aside form the disrespect to you, I would be repulsed by treating young women in this way.

Agree with what others are saying, Aussie men don't lose their shit every time they see a woman in a bikini. And even if they did, it'd not an excuse.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 10:31

OP, could you anonymously warn the women what these men are doing?

I thought of doing this last night but there's only one photo where the girl's name is identifiable and I think she's moved on to another job.

I don't think I could tolerate or trust him ever again, especially since you have DDs. Absolutely no joined up thinking that these girls and women are someone's daughter.

This is what gets me. This will be our daughters in ten years or so. The man who got fired has a teenage daughter. Do they compartmentalise or what? I could never look at a teen boy that way. It literally wouldn't be possible for me to be attracted to someone twenty years younger than me.

The man who got sacked has kept in touch and phones him occasionally, he doesn't know my husband knows the real reason he got let go. He made up some bullshit story. I asked my H why he was still talking to him and he said something about work contacts/opportunities but now I'm wondering if he's remaining friendly for another reason. Doesn't want to cut him off incase the guy has any dirt on him? I'm possibly sliding into paranoia territory now but I did think it was odd that he was still talking to this weirdo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 10:38

It is just another reminder that no matter how capable and driven you are, there will always be older men for whom you are just eye candy.

Yes, when you read how they spoke about these girls, they were simply objects there for their entertainment. Awful. I worked in that environment in my twenties and it was so intimidating at times.

They also shared a photo of another young girl who was a bit overweight and made awful disparaging comments about her too, so it doesn't matter what these women look like - they are judged solely in terms of their "fuckability"

OP posts:
floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 10:42

You have very low standards @Blossomtoes if you think that someone sharing photos from someone else's social media on phone messages, even if a public profile, is acceptable.

floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 10:46

It comes from the same place as when I started as a legal assistant in a law firm in my early 20s, being referred to as "The Blonde" before I arrived. Then many of the male partners and senior associates in their 30s and 40s having a bet on who could shag me.

They all lost as I had already met DH and I don't shit where I eat anyway. Plus they were all repulsive.

Nap1983 · 08/08/2023 10:46

I’d be raging if it were my DH. However I think it’s a jump from a WhatsApp group of in inappropriate and somewhat grim chat to cheating and sex workers.
I would tell him I’ve seen it and that he disgusted me and how would he like it if it were his kids.

BravoMyDear · 08/08/2023 10:51

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:28

I can’t see how it’s an invasion of their privacy if the images have come from their own FB/Insta accounts. If you put it out there you’re literally asking for comments.

Wow.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 10:54

M4J4 · 08/08/2023 10:11

The world has moved on, Blossom.

Show quote history

Clearly it hasn’t or this thread wouldn’t exist.

BravoMyDear · 08/08/2023 10:54

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 09:53

What qualities does he bring to the marriage? You sound way too nice to be married to such a loser.

Thank you Masterofhappydays. I don't know what positive qualities he brings to be honest. I'm so disappointed right now I'm struggling to think of anything good about him. I would have said he was a loyal and dependable family man but now I'm not so sure. I don't know what to do.

Make sure you get screenshots in case you need them later.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 10:55

Yes I don't think there was any cheating either @Nap1983 and almost certain he wouldn't pay for sex, but I also didn't think he'd act like this at his age and stage so of course I could be wrong.

He absolutely knows I would be disgusted by this. Similar conversations have come up in the past about older men perving on younger women/girls he definitely knows my feelings on this since we've had DDs. Yet he did it anyway, so I'm thinking he obviously doesn't really care, despite agreeing with me at the time. He's presumably just saying what he thinks I want to hear. Seems deceitful.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 10:58

floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 10:42

You have very low standards @Blossomtoes if you think that someone sharing photos from someone else's social media on phone messages, even if a public profile, is acceptable.

I don’t think it’s acceptable at all. But if they weren’t available for any Tom, Dick and Harry (and their wives) to look at it wouldn’t happen, would it? The message for our daughters should be set your privacy settings on social media to the max so you’re controlling who can see your images. And please don’t bother to accuse me of victim blaming.

Original poster
Secondplace · 08/08/2023 13:51

I do agree we should teach our daughters to lockdown their profiles @Blossomtoes a friend of mine left her husband as he was using images of her friends and family on social media to get himself off 🤢 once she told me that I took all my photos down and any of my children. I only had a couple of baby photos up but you really never know the thought process of the men on your friend list. Or the man in your bed so it seems.

OP posts:
Onedownonetogooo · 08/08/2023 15:19

I think I would write him a letter expressing how I felt .
This way you can say exactly what you feel without being interpreted and he will have to listen .
You May add - I shouldn’t have checked your phone but I am unhappy/ unnerved with our current up with you working away and what I found has made me realize o no longer want you .
Then if he tried the defensive behaviour and turning it around saying you invaded his privacy I would calmly repeat - yes I did and I was right too. When you’re ready to talk about your behavior we need to discuss it. Don’t bite and get drawn into the fact you checked his phone .

These are purely my suggestions !!! No idea if any good !!!

Onedownonetogooo · 08/08/2023 15:21

what I found has made me realize i longer want you to work away . Or what I found has ( insert your feelings!!!)

Excuse typo I’m breastfeeding and looking after toddler !!!!

Maray1967 · 08/08/2023 15:29

I’d print out screenshots and put them in front of him and ask him what he would think if these comments were about your daughters. When he kicks off about invasion of privacy I’d ask him what he thinks he’s done with these images. I’d ask him who the real him is - the face he presents to you, or this behaviour. I’d tell him if the real him is reflected in this behaviour you’re done, because he’s disgusting, and his daughters will think the same when they’re old enough to understand what he’s done.

If he regrets this and was following the herd, then he needs to leave this job.

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