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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if your husband...

280 replies

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 04:32

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

OP posts:
Pandaparty · 09/08/2023 09:40

Secondplace · 09/08/2023 09:31

I did actually go through most of those thoughts yesterday JeremyFischer. Wondering if I was over-reacting, this was just "laddish" behaviour that's normal amongst men etc. but actually your first point is enough.

I also simply don't accept that it's normal for men in their 40's to be sexually attracted to teenage girls closer to their daughter's age than their own. I actually do think that is indicative of a deeper depravity/a major character flaw. I was that teenage girl once and I remember those creepy bastards all too well and how I felt when it was done to me.

The idea that my husband was simply a bit weak and got carried away with the boys is laughable. He is a very confident man, has no problem asserting his opinion on any matter. Like I said above, if he has been a passive observer to these messages I'd get it. I understand calling it out and putting a stop to it is beyond the capabilities of most men (hence why we have the rapey societies we have), but he could have said nothing, or even just laughed along even. He didn't do that. He actively got involved in a grim conversation and not only that, but the worst part to me is he carried that conversation on with other men and sent those girl's photos around to people who weren't in the original conversation - he can't claim group pressure on that front.

Your point about posters having a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage aptly sums up my thoughts about my husband. He left a young family and flew more than 10,000 miles from home, when he knew his wife wasn't particularly happy about it. The idea was he was going to put his head down and work his arse off so at least the distance from his young children would pay off/be worth it. I made significant sacrifices so he could do so and didn't exactly enjoy being the only parent on hand for months at a time. I feel massively disrespected that he seems to be treating this move as his little gap year to leer at young women in the sunshine. He unequivocally knows that I would be disgusted by this and he did it anyway. That, in my view, shows a fundamental disregard for the commitment involved in his marriage and worse again - a fundamental disregard for his daughter's happiness and safety in the future. He is enabling and extending the culture that puts girls at a huge disadvantage in life. I hate him for doing this.

Thanks for posting. It's consolidated my thoughts somewhat and I feel much more prepared to counter the minimisation and excuses that will inevitably come my way when I bring it up with him.

👏👏

murielstacey · 09/08/2023 09:44

Secondplace · 09/08/2023 09:31

I did actually go through most of those thoughts yesterday JeremyFischer. Wondering if I was over-reacting, this was just "laddish" behaviour that's normal amongst men etc. but actually your first point is enough.

I also simply don't accept that it's normal for men in their 40's to be sexually attracted to teenage girls closer to their daughter's age than their own. I actually do think that is indicative of a deeper depravity/a major character flaw. I was that teenage girl once and I remember those creepy bastards all too well and how I felt when it was done to me.

The idea that my husband was simply a bit weak and got carried away with the boys is laughable. He is a very confident man, has no problem asserting his opinion on any matter. Like I said above, if he has been a passive observer to these messages I'd get it. I understand calling it out and putting a stop to it is beyond the capabilities of most men (hence why we have the rapey societies we have), but he could have said nothing, or even just laughed along even. He didn't do that. He actively got involved in a grim conversation and not only that, but the worst part to me is he carried that conversation on with other men and sent those girl's photos around to people who weren't in the original conversation - he can't claim group pressure on that front.

Your point about posters having a worrying disrespect for the commitment involved in a marriage aptly sums up my thoughts about my husband. He left a young family and flew more than 10,000 miles from home, when he knew his wife wasn't particularly happy about it. The idea was he was going to put his head down and work his arse off so at least the distance from his young children would pay off/be worth it. I made significant sacrifices so he could do so and didn't exactly enjoy being the only parent on hand for months at a time. I feel massively disrespected that he seems to be treating this move as his little gap year to leer at young women in the sunshine. He unequivocally knows that I would be disgusted by this and he did it anyway. That, in my view, shows a fundamental disregard for the commitment involved in his marriage and worse again - a fundamental disregard for his daughter's happiness and safety in the future. He is enabling and extending the culture that puts girls at a huge disadvantage in life. I hate him for doing this.

Thanks for posting. It's consolidated my thoughts somewhat and I feel much more prepared to counter the minimisation and excuses that will inevitably come my way when I bring it up with him.

This is a brilliant response. I totally agree with you.

Men can continue to tell us how 'natural' it is to be sexually attracted to teenage girls as much as they like. It's still grim.

JeremyFischer · 09/08/2023 09:45

That's all fair enough. Best of luck.

theDudesmummy · 09/08/2023 09:52

Ugh. I would end the relationship. My DH had a close friend some years ago who did something similar (shared swimsuit/underwear pictures of very young women with a group and made sexulised comments about their appearance). DH was in his 40s at the time and the friend in his 50s. DH had DDs about the age of the girls in the photos. He cut contact with the guy and hasn't spoken to him again.

Original poster
Secondplace · 09/08/2023 11:00

Your DH sounds like a good guy @theDudesmummy Instead of doing the same my husband said to his pervert friend, and I quote: "I'll have to delete half the messages on this phone before I go home." I imagine I only saw a portion of what was said/shared 😞

OP posts:
Slouching · 09/08/2023 14:34

I'll have to delete half the messages on this phone before I go home.

😬

BrawnWild · 09/08/2023 14:55

I would honestly dump him because its fucking repulsive behaviour.

I dont care about my husband casting a discreet appreciative eye. At all. But not a fucking chance would I be able to find him attractive after SCREENSHOTTING women he knows and laughing about it. It's disgusting, leery, and disrespectful to actual women.

Nothing to do with him being in Australia, maleonly company or working away.

Agadontdontdont · 09/08/2023 15:36

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 09/08/2023 01:20

Why the fuck do all the men on here feel the need to announce their presence? They always say 'man here'. Well no shit sherlock. Even if you would not have felt the need to let us women know, the majority can tell from your response.

Their perspective about something like this is so skewed. It's irrelevant.

They do write the same way! Like a work email, very structured, so many words, too much pointless bullshit, blaming others and not taking responsibility for poor performance and not hitting KPI’s

Best wishes 😂

Turfwars · 09/08/2023 15:40

Not all men do this.
DH has left a couple of whatsapp groups where the chat has turned pervy.

He also, without any prodding from me, dropped contact with his friend who routinely used prostitutes, when I offered him my point of view on what kind of men use sex workers. He went very low contact with another couple of friends who frequent lap dancing places for the same reason.

He's far from perfect, but he's got sisters and nieces and knows it would be hypocritcal to perve over young women then act all outraged when his niece is sexually harassed or objectified

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 15:53

OP, you have a solid head on your shoulders and have gotten good advice.

I absolutely do not believe that most men are like this, just the creepy, sleazy, ones were.

A good few years ago, my husband came home from work and told me security had escorted a guy who was 10 years working for the company out of the office.
He had sent something sleazy on the network to a few male colleagues.
Comparatively speaking it wasn't even that bad.
He wasn't a bad guy either.
My husband and other colleagues were very shocked.
We both felt very sorry for him having to go home to his wife and tell her he was on gardening leave until his dismissal was finalised.
He made the decision to resign quickly.

Shortly afterwards there was an email reiterating that any inappropriate content sent on the companys network was grounds for dismissal.

My husband works in a very Senior position in Pharma and they take this shit very very seriously.

He'd want to be very careful.

In your place I would be devastated because it would absolutely erode my respect for him.

Its not about trust, or even him being unfaithful, its about his core character.

I would have the Ick and be mortified to be married to one of THOSE men.

You sound so lovely and I really feel for you.

Suit yourself completely and take your time to figure out how you feel.

Rejener8 · 09/08/2023 16:19

He has no doubt crossed several lines here.
I think it's time for you to properly evaluate ur options and act... All the best.

Original poster
Secondplace · 09/08/2023 16:23

Thanks @billy1966

He'd want to be very careful.

Sadly one of the company directors was in the group chat, the same director who eventually fired the pervy colleague. So unless my H was to actually act on his sleaziness and a woman complained I don't think there will be any repercussions for this sort of behaviour unfortunately.

I wish there was something I could do to shame the lot of them to be honest. I'm so grossed out.

OP posts:
Jackydaytona · 09/08/2023 16:40

Ew

Original poster
Secondplace · 09/08/2023 17:11

Jackydaytona · 09/08/2023 16:40

Ew

In a word, yes!

OP posts:
Howmuchfurther · 09/08/2023 17:16

Secondplace · 08/08/2023 04:32

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

It’s not at all indicative that he wants a relationship with any of these young women.

He is treating them like objects, not people.

Its a group activity. If he were interested in any of them, he would be approaching her secretly and alone.

Assuming he treats you like a person ??then it shouldn’t be a threat to your family.

Warringahvoter · 09/08/2023 17:17

TeenMum87 · 08/08/2023 07:51

Very inappropriate behaviour on DH part. However, Aussies are years behind us in all things PC so I can see how this kind of behaviour is still going on over there. As for looking on his phone, I’d happily do it if I thought I’d find something. Good luck.

This is actually totally illegal in Australia. Not just for the men doing it but for the company. In Australia, you have a positive duty to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace (which this clearly is). I’d be shocked if this in one of the mining companies and they didn’t act on it if they knew. The leadership in mining here has been very progressive in attracting more women into the sector.

natura · 09/08/2023 17:27

Howmuchfurther · 09/08/2023 17:16

It’s not at all indicative that he wants a relationship with any of these young women.

He is treating them like objects, not people.

Its a group activity. If he were interested in any of them, he would be approaching her secretly and alone.

Assuming he treats you like a person ??then it shouldn’t be a threat to your family.

Show quote history

Oh, love. I think you'll find the point about 13 miles to your left.

Original poster
Secondplace · 09/08/2023 17:28

It's not one of the major mining companies Warringahvoter, it's a subcontractor of one of them though and not a small company either. I'm pretty shocked the director was involved/encouraging the conversations, as I assume if it's illegal as you say then millions of dollars are on the line.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 09/08/2023 17:28

Warringahvoter · 09/08/2023 17:17

This is actually totally illegal in Australia. Not just for the men doing it but for the company. In Australia, you have a positive duty to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace (which this clearly is). I’d be shocked if this in one of the mining companies and they didn’t act on it if they knew. The leadership in mining here has been very progressive in attracting more women into the sector.

Show quote history

Tell that to @Blossomtoes who seems to these young women are fair game just because they have social media

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 17:32

M4J4 · 09/08/2023 17:28

Tell that to @Blossomtoes who seems to these young women are fair game just because they have social media

Show quote history

That’s a complete travesty of what I said but fortunately it’s a short thread so it’s not hard for anyone interested to see for themselves.

M4J4 · 09/08/2023 17:35

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 17:32

That’s a complete travesty of what I said but fortunately it’s a short thread so it’s not hard for anyone interested to see for themselves.

Show quote history

Here’s what you said below. Just awful. You didn’t care if what these men did was illegal.

If you share stuff literally anyone can see you can’t complain about invasion of privacy or get upset if it gets shared or leered over.

Gladyys · 09/08/2023 17:37

It's a snapshot isn't it. May be all harmless albeit very inappropriate perving over young women, but it shows you who he is.

He works away, I would not be able to trust him in the slightest however not enough to end a marriage over <yet> perhaps. I would bide my time, carry on snooping and see what else if anything you find.

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 17:39

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:58

It’s out there for anyone to see. Look how easily you found it. And presumably with lax privacy settings. If you share stuff literally anyone can see you can’t complain about invasion of privacy or get upset if it gets shared or leered over.

I completely see where you’re coming from in not being impressed by your bloke’s behaviour on your own behalf. If the girls involved aren’t happy the answer lies in their hands.

Show quote history

This is what I actually said.

Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 17:40

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 10:58

I don’t think it’s acceptable at all. But if they weren’t available for any Tom, Dick and Harry (and their wives) to look at it wouldn’t happen, would it? The message for our daughters should be set your privacy settings on social media to the max so you’re controlling who can see your images. And please don’t bother to accuse me of victim blaming.

Show quote history

And.

M4J4 · 09/08/2023 17:47

@Blossomtoes you think these girls asked for it without even wondering if what these men did was illegal. At least own it.