WWYD if your husband...

[Secondplace]

...was perving on women half his age?

My husband has been working away at the other end of the world for the past six months. Usually he works in a very male dominated environment with no women but in Australia it doesn't seem to be the same and so he has been working with young women aged approx 18-25. He is 42.

Anyway, he and his colleagues have been sharing screen shots of some of these young women 🤢 some in bikinis (I assume from Facebook/Instagram) and sending messages back and forth to other men at work with lots of innuendo. I'm fairly certain no cheating went on, but I feel pretty horrified. One of the men in the group messages was fired for harassing a young girl/Sending inappropriate messages. My H told me all about this and heavily criticised this guy to me, but only a few months ago he was joining in with this man in what I would consider pervy behaviour for men in their 40s.

I snooped on his phone (I know I know) that's how I know about this. What would you think if this was your husband/partner?

I'm really upset and don't know if I'm overreacting - we have two young DDs and the thought of men doing this to them in 10-15 years time makes me feel sick. I was not happy about him working away to begin with but he insisted it was something he had to do financially/career wise so I reluctantly gave him the green light , but now I feel like a mug, holding down the fort while he is acting like a dog in heat. AIBU?

@Blossomtoes you said if the girls weren’t happy, then the answer lies in their hands (ie don’t share photos on their own social media in case pervy colleagues pass them around while commenting on their desirability).

in reality, the answer is to report to the company who would likely have to sack them all and report the complaint to the relevant state commissioner. And then hope that they (the company) didn’t get prosecuted for failing to prevent sexual harassment. Any the young women could continue to share photos on their social media.

I didn’t say anything even remotely like that. Stop putting words in my mouth.

You said ‘If you put it out there you’re literally asking for comments’.

People have explained that taking photos from colleagues’ social media and sharing them in a Whatsapp group of male colleagues making sexual comments is wrong but you have doubled down. Someone has also said this is illegal in Australia. Zero acknowledgement from you.

What I actually said - are people really incapable of reading or understanding what they read? - was that it’s not an invasion of privacy if anyone can look at or comment on them. Share as many images as you like but use tight privacy settings.

'was that it’s not an invasion of privacy if anyone can look at or comment on them'

Yes comment on the site, to the account holder. Not behind their backs on pervy group chats.

You’re being completely disingenuous now. You KNOW these men are not just looking on their social media, they’re TAKING the pics and sharing them in a Whatsapp group of colleagues to make sexist and derogatory remarks.

Which they couldn’t do unless they were freely available. Ffs, why do you think privacy settings are available?

But why should these women have to curtail what they share on social media just because these men are pervs?

The problem is the men, Blossom, not privacy settings. You just don’t get it.

Aside for it being morally icky, it's hugely unprofessional to be sharing screenshots and pervy messages of colleagues. I know you said one of the company directors is in the group chat, which is disgusting. However, if one of the ladies in question or another colleague found out and made a complaint, I'd be worried about repercussions.

'Which they couldn’t do unless they were freely available. Ffs, why do you think privacy settings are available?'

He's been working with them, lots of people follow colleagues on sm. They really don't expect men will be creeps and slaver over them on private chats.

Is H Irish OP? There's a familiar casualness of his "I'd have to delete half the messages on this phone" that I'm used to from the lads at home. Just a total disconnect from the fact that these females are real people with real families and are not objects. "Ah we're only having a laugh..." til someone gets sacked. The whole thing would sicken my shit but this answer to your reaction would make me LTB. A) partaking and B) minimising.

You'd think men would be careful about this stuff. Even if they aren't bothered what their wives think you would think they'd worry with screenshots etc that they'd be the next to get the boot.

Also OP it feels a bit "cake and eat it too". You're at home minding his kids, he's away living it up chatting over young women with the lads over a group chat (leaving digital evidence!!! Is he fucking thick as shit or what!!!) Hell of a way to jeopardise this precious job he just had to take for the family. Arsehole.

Sounds like you had made your mind up, and the consensus agrees. Time to head off and get a divorce.

As all men are terrible best to keep away from them in future.

@Secondplace
"I also simply don't accept that it's normal for men in their 40's to be sexually attracted to teenage girls closer to their daughter's age than their own. I actually do think that is indicative of a deeper depravity/a major character flaw."

Were the colleagues teenagers? Apparently it is normal for men of all ages to be attracted to women in their early 20s, not teenagers though so if his colleagues were 16 that would be abnormal. Probably best to steer clear of all men in future.

Men, of any age, will always be attracted to women in their early 20s | Metro News

In the right circumstances all men think with their dick. Its fucking depressing our girls aren't save from Pervy men.

Thisistyresome you've just said all men are apparently creeps so if you and your little graph are correct then OP definitely should keep away from them. In any case she already has her children. Men are clearly of no further use to her. Nature innit?

In the opening post she said some of the colleagues are in fact teenagers. Grown ass married men in their 40s salivating over teenagers and sharing their pictures around, when they themselves are the fathers of teenage girls. If that's normal to you then you are a weirdo. Culture and the sexualisation of girls enables the idea that this is "normal" to fester, it's vile and it needs to be stopped.

Thisistyresome

Bit prickly are we? Very defensive over a strangers post... wonder why that is? If there's a woman in your life would it be wise for her to check your phone perhaps?!

Your feelings are valid. You don't have to leave, but also you can feel how you feel and you may find it hard to think of him in the same way again as now you have seen a side that is unpleasant.

I would struggle to feel warm towards someone I knew was like that.

The issue is not that men think young women look attractive.

The issue is that these men discussed their work colleagues in inappropriate terms - if the women were aware of it they could report for sexual harassment - and shared images.

What will you do, OP?

I am sorry you’re going through this. You obviously had an instinct about his behaviour, hence the (understandable) checkup.

Joking about deleting the messages before he comes home is so disrespectful to you (his action towards these women have already been adequately covered so I won’t harp on about that). It smacks of sexist “don’t tell the wife” “her indoors” etc. He’s treating it like a year long stag party by the sounds of it. Is there even significantly more money coming in? Not that this is the main point now, but I wonder about motive.

Why are you minimising this?

Not one person has said all men are terrible but men in their 40s commenting on girls half their age in separate groups chats sound very dubious and one would wonder what else they get up to whilst away from home for 6 months.

Would they go on the actual accounts and comment 'gorgeous'? I doubt it because they know they'd sound creepy af.

He’s treating it like a year long stag party by the sounds of it. Is there even significantly more money coming in? Not that this is the main point now, but I wonder about motive.

I wonder too @Trees6 no there's not significantly more money coming in. It sounds good on paper but the figure is halved when you take the exchange rate into account. He has the ability to make a significant amount but will need to do an additional 4-6months there first (visa constraints) I do think it's partly a bit of a midlife crisis of sorts. He went a bit weird when he reached 40. He lived in Australia for a number of years before we were married (we met over there) and those years were definitely his/our "heyday" and I think he's harping back to his youth and trying to recreate it a bit. Work wasn't going so well over here before he went and his ego took a hit.

He's home now but due to go back out in a couple of weeks. I'm away with my sister and her DC camping for a couple of days and haven't spoken to him face to face since I saw the messages. We're heading home tomorrow and I still don't know how I'm going to approach it.

The bottom line in these situations is that anyone in HR in a reputable company would be in the horrors at their behaviour.

I have a circle of friends in law, HR and business.

Any half decent lawyer would make an easy case if ANY of those WhatsApps were during office hours or interspersing work chat.
The link would be made.

Any half decent company would want to settle quickly and fire their arse without haste.

Mining may be macho, but no company wants the optics of this, much less if they are listed on an exchange.

His behaviour makes him very vulnerable.

Just asked my husband.

He has said in an index quoted company the narrative is consistent and relentless.

Respect, diversity, maternity rights, LGBT etc., are rightly being relentlessly espoused as their culture.

There is NO diverging from this.

What your husband is a part of, would be career ending in many reputable companies.

They are DESPERATE to recruit the finest graduates, in all disciplines, and they are often WOMEN.

The calibre of women being imployed wouldn't tolerate this for a second and neither would the companies employing them.

There is a massive recruitment crunch in many areas.

Having recruited female staff they have zero tolerance for any staff discomfort from men like your husband.

They are unequivocally intolerant of even a hint of sexually impropriety.

In 2023 this is about optics and share price.

They are ruthless about protecting both.

Probably best to steer clear of all men in future

perhaps the best unsolicited advice a man has ever given on MN.