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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

406 replies

coverp · 07/08/2023 23:40

Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

OP posts:
RomeoMcFlourish · 07/08/2023 23:42

Not unreasonable at all. Well done for doing the right thing for your children.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/08/2023 23:42

I’m with you. Now is the time to teach them bodily autonomy. Being polite does not require physical affection.

fairymary87 · 07/08/2023 23:42

Tell her to go f herself! Or for the sake of the kids stick to your guns. I'm exactly the same with mine. They shouldn't be forced into kissing and cuddling. Proud of you and your children for setting there own boundaries x

HangingOver · 07/08/2023 23:42

Yah I find this weird. I never hug or kiss a child, including my own relations, unless they do it first. I find it odd to try to force a child to kiss someone.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 07/08/2023 23:42

I used to hate having to kiss relatives. I still remember being so uncomfortable with it. I’m not ND and have no sensory issues.

I don’t think YABU and I think giving them options is a really good idea.

continentallentil · 07/08/2023 23:43

No it isn’t, you are quite right - but I do think you need to spell it out. It was common to insist on this a generation ago.

Babdoc · 07/08/2023 23:43

It is very important for children - especially girls - to be taught that their boundaries and consent (or lack thereof) are important and will be respected.
Forcing young girls to accept being hugged or kissed against their will is basically grooming them.

EveSix · 07/08/2023 23:44

You're definitely not unreasonable.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/08/2023 23:46

YANBU. They get to choose how they interact on any particular day. No child should be forced to kiss and cuddle adults if they don’t want to

i wouldn’t engage I would get your dh to tell his mother it’s not on and she is to be guided by what the children want to do, not what she wants

Thequeenofthetypis · 07/08/2023 23:46

So fucking gross telling kids they have to hug and kiss grown ups when they don't want to. And it's always the needy least likeable ones that insist. Yanbu

Middlelanehogger · 07/08/2023 23:46

I normally lean pretty far towards the "we should involve extended family as much as possible with the children" side of things and even I think you are totally in the right... "They'll end up being rude brats"?! Honestly.

holidayisthebestday · 07/08/2023 23:48

You're doing the right thing,children (well anyone) shouldn't be emotionally blackmailed into giving kisses and cuddles to people they don't want to. I've had to explain this to some of my family too as they were trying to make my kids feel bad about it. Options of a high five or a wave are great.

watcherintherye · 07/08/2023 23:48

It is very important for children - especially girls - to be taught that their boundaries and consent (or lack thereof) are important and will be respected.

Why especially girls? Children of either sex are equally vulnerable.

sandyhappypeople · 07/08/2023 23:50

I don't think it's wrong of her to ask them, but if they say no, she should take their first answer and you should explain why you feel that's important.. I think there is a definite generational divide on this one.

My MIL asks for cuddles and kisses and my DD2 is happy to do it normally, but if she struggles, or says no or doesn't seem to want to I always jump in quick with a very breezy and loud enough to be heard by MIL, "Nevermind!, just give nana a wave and say bye bye instead!"

If MIL was to carry on guilt tripping after that, I'd ring her later and have a chat with her about it.

HirplesWithHaggis · 07/08/2023 23:50

I have four grandkids and respect the bodily autonomy of them all. I do feel a little sad when the toddlers sometimes prefer to give me a high five rather than a hug, but the upside is that I still get the odd hug from 14 yo dgs. 😁

CornishTiger · 07/08/2023 23:51

Dear MIL I’m sorry to hear you think teaching children body autonomy and consent is ridiculous. The only bratty thing about this afternoon was your guilt tripping and refusal to accept No as the first and final answer. Please do not do that again or we will not be able to visit.

Thequeenofthetypis · 07/08/2023 23:52

Traditionally, girls are more likely to be encouraged to " be nice" and not " rock the boat".
But " boys will be boys"

Hiddenvoice · 07/08/2023 23:52

I think you’re doing the right thing by not replying tonight, let her cool it off a bit.

I completely agree with you, you’re being sensible and have provided options for them to chose what they are comfortable with. Like us, sometimes children want a hug and sometimes they don’t. Adults shouldn’t force or guilt children into giving them a kiss or a cuddle.

I think you’ll need to explain this to her. They are definitely not doing anything to hurt her feelings and as a grown up she should know this. Explain gently that they will give her a kiss and cuddle when they want. Surely an out of the blue kiss and cuddle is much nicer than one given in command.

ohyesohyesoh · 07/08/2023 23:53

I totally see it too. My nieces & nephews now have children of their own. I always offer a kiss or a wave. Sometime I get a kiss on the cheek sometimes I get a cute wave goodbye.

I'd never insist on planting a kiss on them. I do remember when my DC were little, older relatives would get quite out out of the children didn't want to lisa them goodbye.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2023 23:54

Yanbu. Myom and Mil Will always ay "Nanny's going, can I have a hug and a kiss" or similar but sometimes the kids don't give them and Nanny just says "ok",waves and leaves

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMariaa · 08/08/2023 00:14

why don't you want to kiss scout leader Dave/uncle Bob/ father bigly/Mr saville, you're making Dave/uncle Bob/ father bigly/Mr saville feel so sad, Dave/uncle Bob/ father bigly/Mr saville is going to think you don't love him if you don't kiss him.

Of course you are in the right op and to be quite Frank I'm fed up of having to teach consent to Ok Groomers

Vallmo47 · 08/08/2023 00:18

Share your exact struggle and no matter how many times we’ve explained the 15 year old finds having to kiss you extremely embarrassing, she doesn’t take the hint and even says things like “when you used to love me you kissed me”. It’s SO wrong.

Mummy08m · 08/08/2023 00:19

Yanbu but don't bother explaining reason to her, she won't get it and shes hankering for an argument. Your kids will have seen you backing them up snd that'll give them more confidence to say no again next time.

Just don't reply on the subject, silence is enough of a message

MarieKlepto · 08/08/2023 00:23

Since childhood I've never liked the hugging and kissing of relative strangers comfortable. As an adult I'm happy with friends and family but the "just introduced" huggers and kissers still make me squirm. I've a few friends with much younger children than us. Because the parents didn't make it a thing and I didn't request it I'm bear hugged and kissed regularly by teenagers. They have made that choice about me, which is fine!

Canisaysomething · 08/08/2023 00:24

Just block her number and let your husband receive the shitty messages instead. It's the pissy message that would annoy me the most.

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