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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

406 replies

coverp · 07/08/2023 23:40

Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 08/08/2023 06:19

What’s wrong with a handshake @RattleRattle ? That’s what my DF offers my 9yo DS when he doesn’t want to hug.

JenniferBarkley · 08/08/2023 06:49

Hi Brenda, hope the trip home was ok. The thinking these days is that children shouldn't be asked to give hugs and kisses if they don't want to. The idea is that by practising as kids with safe grown-ups, they'll be more comfortable saying no to unwanted approaches as adults. I think this is really important, so we'll be sticking with allowing them say no. It's nothing personal, they love their nanny, just sometimes they don't feel like a kiss and that's ok.

ringsaglitter · 08/08/2023 06:55

I like that your 2 year old is already able to negotiate. Doing better than 1/2 the adults on mumsnet lol

GymBergerac · 08/08/2023 07:05

My youngest (now 30) had always had massive issues with physical contact. He'll hug me quite a lot, but other than that, he's very much a hands-off guy.
I used to cringe initially when he was little and would back away from adults begging for hugs and kisses, as it felt rude....but I very quickly saw he was genuinely uncomfortable with it. I started just casually saying "we don't have to hug and kiss, waving and saying bye is fine as well"
A few (mainly elderly) people raised their eyebrows, but I was fat more bothered about his comfort than theirs.
As an adult you wouldn't be expected to hug someone you didn't want to, it shouldn't be any different for kids.

User1800 · 08/08/2023 07:05

AngryBirdsNoMore · 07/08/2023 23:42

I used to hate having to kiss relatives. I still remember being so uncomfortable with it. I’m not ND and have no sensory issues.

I don’t think YABU and I think giving them options is a really good idea.

Same for me!

My children are now adults so when recently I was in a room with about ten family members and a relative was urging their 5 year old to kiss everyone goodbye, the child was really reluctant, made for very uncomfortable viewing, I just don’t get it. I remember that feeling as a kid, just horrible !

NoStrangertotheRain · 08/08/2023 07:06

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

It's weird, isn't it?

Perfectly normal to kiss grandma goodbye in most cultures including ours, but on MN it's removing their bodily autonomy.

NoStrangertotheRain · 08/08/2023 07:07

Hi Brenda, hope the trip home was ok

Why Brenda?

JenniferBarkley · 08/08/2023 07:09

NoStrangertotheRain · 08/08/2023 07:07

Hi Brenda, hope the trip home was ok

Why Brenda?

Why not?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/08/2023 07:11

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

You've just posted what I was trying to say. I agree.

autienotnaughti · 08/08/2023 07:12

I would message back and say "I understand you are upset but I wouldn't insist you kiss someone if you don't want to. I'm not going to make my children do it either. They enjoy spending time with you, they love you. If when saying goodbye they want to blow kisses that's fine. Forcing them to do something they don't want to do is not going to make them love you more."

Awittyfool · 08/08/2023 07:13

Be grateful you aren’t Italian or French. Lots of kissing.

legalseagull · 08/08/2023 07:20

"How would you feel if someone was forcing you to kiss them with phrases like "you're making me sad". No one should force or guilt someone in to physical contact. Girls are constantly told they're 'rude' if they don't do everything to make someone else happy. Being polite does not require unwanted physical contact. I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to guilt the kids in to physical contact when. In the future, god forbid, it could be someone else putting pressure on her and I want her to have the confidence to say 'no'.

Jujubes5 · 08/08/2023 07:23

Well is it a big wet kiss on the mouth.
I get a hug off GDCs and I usually give them a quick kiss on the top of their head or just cuddle. I see them maybe 6 times a year. Hopefully this will continue when they are teens. I enjoy doing lots for them. Nice to think it's appreciated and I'm not a random person.

Fromage · 08/08/2023 07:26

"Nanny will think you don't love her..."

Mummy definitely does think Nanny is an arsehole.

YANBU. I would have Nanny seeing less of the kids. Emotional blackmail isn't something you do to people you love, so I would conclude Nanny doesn't love the kids much anyway.

Awful way to behave.

drinkuptheezider · 08/08/2023 07:27

A wave or high five is fine. I'm a GM, our GC usually high five granddad, last time the eldest shook his hand 😅and it can be any variation between a hug/ kiss and high five for me. As long as they say hello and goodbye that's fine.

Radiatorvalves · 08/08/2023 07:28

When my 4 yo niece is leaving I ask if I can have a hug. Sometimes I get one and sometimes I don’t. I can’t imagine wanting to force her to hug me…. Surely that would put a child right off anyone.

I don’t think I’d respond to Nanny’s text.

MumofBoyzTW · 08/08/2023 07:29

My ML is a bit the same. If it’s any consolation as they grow up they won’t continue an ‘enforced’ relationship only genuine ones.
My ML is a hoarder and smells musty so I don’t much like kissing her either. I have always felt obliged to kiss her and it’s not something I am comfortable with, even after nearly 30 years. We are not friends, I tolerate her so as not to make things more difficult for my husband.
In short, you are not wrong!
Only invite her when your husband is there, let him deal with her. Tell your children it is their choice and it’s OK with you if they don’t want to kiss granny/ anyone else.
I think I would be tempted to make a very sarcastic reply - which would probably be very satisfying but not be helpful!!!

Olika · 08/08/2023 07:33

You are not being unreasonable. That's ridiculous. I would tell her that the children will hug her when they want to and not to force it. Does she want them to learn that they have to let another person touch them even when they don't want it?

Brownbearsinthewoods · 08/08/2023 07:42

That's not unreasonable at all. When we're getting ready to leave my dad's, I always tell them 'say goodbye to grandad' and they understand that to mean a hug and a kiss but sometimes they just joke around with him and prefer a high five. My dad is fine with that, he just thinks (as do I) that saying hello and goodbye, however you do it, is the important bit.

Your kids won't be brats just because you didn't force them to hand out hugs and kisses when they didn't want to.

PuddlesPityParty · 08/08/2023 07:42

Wow! Your MIL is the rude brat, OP! Ignore her and let your partner deal with.

DewOnTheMorningGrass · 08/08/2023 07:45

CornishTiger · 07/08/2023 23:51

Dear MIL I’m sorry to hear you think teaching children body autonomy and consent is ridiculous. The only bratty thing about this afternoon was your guilt tripping and refusal to accept No as the first and final answer. Please do not do that again or we will not be able to visit.

This.

From a young age we told our children it is up to them who they hug/kiss etc no one could would be allowed to guilt them into it. We did have push back from a Grandparent on it but we stood firm and they understood but were gutted that their Grandchild wouldn't hug them. We explained how weird it is for any adult to force an unwilling child to embrace them and that was the penny dropping moment.

My children who are now actually 20 and 17 will even choose who they kiss on the cheek in greeting, so yes to some family members and absolutely no to others who can all be in the same room. It depends on their individual relationship with each one.

CecilyP · 08/08/2023 07:47

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/08/2023 23:42

I’m with you. Now is the time to teach them bodily autonomy. Being polite does not require physical affection.

Agreed. And apart from that, if they weren’t keen to kiss her on this occasion, she was ridiculous to go on and on about. And even worse to make such a big deal of it as to text you to complain.

PackettInn · 08/08/2023 07:49

Well done to your DC for putting their own boundaries in place at such a young age.

I'm completely with you OP. Dd is 2 and a half. I always say to her 'can I have a cuddle?' Sometimes it's a yes, sometimes it's a no. If it's a no I simply reply 'that's okay, now what shall we (whatever fits in next...')

We regularly see grandparents and family. When it's time to go FIL will say to DD 'come hereeee grandad wants to say bye to you' and he just follows what she does. If she high fives, goes in for a hug or kiss or if she simply doesn't want to go he will blow her a kiss and say see you soon.

All other family, same kind of lines. I'll always say 'say goodbye to so and so' and she will do what she wants. Sometimes it's a 'BYEEE' and a run off. Sometimes it's a hug and kiss and sometimes it's a blown kiss and high 5.

Your MIL is rude as shit.

Mummy08m · 08/08/2023 07:52

As @IndigoDynamo says, it's so much nicer and more meaningful if kids rush to you for a spontaneous hug of their own volition (something that won't happen to MIL if she carries on like this).

I remember a few times when dd was only 1 when MIL sort of put her arms out but dd didn't want to hug, and I could see MIL was a tiny bit hurt/embarrassed but no one never said anything. It paid off because now she's nearly 3, DD rushes at her, grabs her leg or scrambles into her lap all the time, and spontaneously says "I love you Granny". If I were a Granny I'd rather it that way!

Your MIL will never have that with the kids if she doesn't pack it in with the guilt tripping

ZippingZebra · 08/08/2023 08:03

You aren't being unreasonable. Personally it's not the body autonomy thing that bugs me, it's the manipulation I dislike.

I wonder if this would work...

Pick your son up and say:
"Nanny! Stop joking around! We all know love isn't just shown with hugs and kisses!

Then to your son: "Do you want to give nanny your love with a high five or a wave instead?"

And if he does coo and say
"That's so lovely! Nanny, do you feel all that love?" Or "Oh wow! you are sending nanny so much love!" "Do you want to send some more?" and encourage whatever he did again.

My hope is nanny joins in the game instead of making it about her! But she may be the type to say something like "Nanny would prefer a kiss." and you'd have to say something like "kisses are nice too but today we are sending our love by... And look how happy x is saying he loves you like this."

I dunno if it would work but it might be less offensive and lighthearted and a learning for both parties? It sounds like she "needs" to feel loved and just waving bye isn't doing it for her? She is the adult and should manage her emotions but her feelings are still feelings. Maybe framing it as sending love with a wave might make her feel warmer?!