"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

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Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

I hate it when little kids are ordered to hug/kiss goodbye against their will. Why would anyone want that to happen?
I think that if you reply to MIL, use the same sort of language you've used here - clear, dispassionate and brief explanation that you don't want to cause discomfort by forcing your children to engage in physical engagement they don't want.

YANBU.

I remember sloppy kisses on the cheek from some relatives as a little kid. Ugh.

No. No-one has a right to a kiss or a hug from anyone. Surely that's obvious to anyone with a brain?

I'm a higher and a kisser. Always have been

One person in a relationship doesn't get to define what is an acceptable way to greet or say goodbye. Being polite and kind should absolutely be expected, but one person unilaterally deciding that it has to be a kiss would be considered madness in any other situation you can think of.

What has 2 adults shaking hands in a professional environment got to do with forcing children to kiss and cuddle adults?

And for the record, if a person wasn't comfortable with shaking hands then that's their choice and I would respect that.

I have always said I won’t force my children to kiss or hug anyone. I’ll ask them if they want to give xxxx a hug or kiss before they leave but if they say no then that’s it. Nobody should be forced or guilt tripped into doing so

She sounds very manipulative, you need to put in and hold boundaries for yourself and your children, your DH will have to get there for himself, it doesn't sound like he's able to step in here due to the dynamic.

I wouldn't reply until she comes with something a bit more tempered and reasonable, I'd let her work it out. She needs to know that demands don't work. There's only one rude brat in this scenario and it's not your DC.

This is never going to be an easy relationship by the sounds of things, it's just not. I think you can either roll over and do what she wants to keep the peace, which you're rightly not prepared to do, or you can draw your lines and deal with the outbursts. Either way is a bit painful, one way is more honest. Go that way.

I would just reply saying "funny that because you're the one acting like a brat"

My nephew (3) is similar to your kids. Sometimes I'll get a hug or a kiss (I usually just kiss him on top of his head. Sometimes when his dad says are you giving auntie amiold a kiss or a hug he will say no and walk out. I just say "oh we'll see you next time" and he'll say bye or wave. Imagine being forced to kiss someone when you leave somewhere, I'd hate it so don't force it on kids. Your mil is being ridiculous.

"Is that how you ended up such a rude entitled brat MiL?" It really sounds like she knows her stuff! She is the reason that most CSA is done by close family members or friends, people like her tell children they cannot say no. Block her.

Did you really read the whole post ?

The equivalent would be your
CEO insisting you hug and kiss colleagues. Wonder how you would feel about that?

I always insist my kids say hello/goodbye/thanks for having us etc. Not negotiable. It's basic manners.

I will always leave it upto then how they wish to do it.

Since being little I've always said have you got any kisses/cuddles/high fives?

Sometimes it's a big slobbery kiss and cuddles, sometimes it's a high 5 or a squeeze of the hand. Sometimes they just say hello/goodbye.

Children need to know they own their body and nobody gets to force them to touch or kiss.

Would you rather kiss and cuddle them?

I have family members a bit like this (including DC grandparents) and I don't like it.

Her message is really rude.

I would be so tempted to say "You are the one being rude. I am not forcing my child to give hugs and kisses. You are the adult. Grow up."

For those comparing it to being French, or handshaking, to be honest I think that it should be fine to refuse politely in those scenarios too, but it is different.

A French Bisous or a handshake is less loaded - simply, it is a greeting that extends to everyone culturally.

(And actually the bisous is not supposed to deposit saliva on cheek as a matter of course and is more of a meeting of cheek than what some grandparents expect here)

Insisting on a kiss or hug in our culture is about you ensuring you are a "special selected one", which is harder for kids to negotiate. Who dictates who is "special"? If it is the recipient, then children have no autonomy at all - what is someone else asks them for a kiss because they are "special". That's the point.

ChatBFP
I agree with you.

The central questions that I would want to ask anyone who gets moody, coercive and manipulative when a young child declines to hug/kiss them are:
'why are you so strongly invested in pushing for physical contact with a child who doesn't want to?'
'What need (want) of yours do you feel is more important than a fellow human being's right to bodily autonomy and having their boundaries respected?'
'If an adult declined a hug would you throw a silly tantrum, tell them they're upsetting you and that if they don't give you unwanted hugs and kisses then they're a brat?'

Re. "they'll end up being rude brats". She should know, as apparently she did.

Tell her to go f herself!

Why would you do that? Totally unnecessary. Reply telling her what you are teaching your children and why. Reiterate that it's not about her but about teaching them how to manage their own boundaries.

If two people want to shake hands in a work context, that's fine. But this operates in exactly the same way as kissing/hugging as a greeting: it should only happen with the consent and active engagement of both parties.

I have many neurodiverse colleagues and my employer tries hard to create an environment where we are all comfortable. If someone insisted on handshakes, and forced others to shake hands when it was clear they didn't want to, or said anything remotely similar to "why don't you want to shake my hand, you're making me feel sad, I'm going to think you don't respect me if you don't shake my hand" then that would most definitely be a problem. At the very least I would expect a manager or HR to have a serious conversation with them about the inappropriateness of their behaviour.

I'm a grandmother with a 4-year old dgs.

He doesn't like being touched, but his parents used to try to insist that he gave me a hug goodbye. My response was that it's up to him and he shouldn't have to feel pressure to do something he's uncomfortable with.

Yesterday when I arrived at their house he came running over and gave me a big hug, completely unprompted, and same again when I said it was time for me to go. It was such a beautiful and special moment, all the more so for being entirely his choice.