"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

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Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

100% agree with you. I think it’s really important to teach kids that they have autonomy over their body, as do other people. My kids are now teen/pre-teen age and are very close to my parents despite not being made to kids or cuddle them. They often choose to do so but know it’s their choice. The rule has always been they don’t have to kiss/cuddle to say hi/bye (or indeed at any other time) but have to be polite and at least say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’. The same applies to their interactions with me & their dad; they don’t have to kiss/cuddle if they don’t want to.

You are teaching your child body autonomy. I am the mother of two adopted daughters and I have done enough reading and training to understand how grooming works, amongst other things. A child should NEVER be made to feel bad because they haven't given someone a hug or kiss. This is forcing them to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. It is teaching them that their feelings don't matter.
They have the right to refuse a hug or a kiss. I remember feeling so uncomfortable as a kid having to kiss friends of my parents and having to hug, when I didn't want to. Later in life, I felt guilty for saying no to certain intimate things in relationships for fear of upsetting someone. I put MY OWN feelings to one side. This was WRONG!
Your children will not grow up rude or disrespectful. They will grow up feeling listened to, valued and have high self esteem.
Your MIL needs to understand this.

Even as an adult the prevalence of hugging in certain situations can make some people feel awkward. For example, among work colleagues on special occasions.It's a good idea to establish from an early age that a smile, a greeting or a handshake are just as effective. Not hugging is not synonymous with not caring. Conversely,hugging etc.🙂

Nanny isn't really thinking about the children is she? It's all "me, me, me". It is unacceptable, in my opinion, to try and force kisses and cuddles on children - and will only have the reverse effect.

Well done you, No child should be forced to kiss anyone and grandma should know better. I am in my sixties, mum, grandma and great grandma and sometimes I get a peck on the cheek or a hug and it's wonderful, but never a demand. I was raised by a family who respected each others space, autonomy, whatever you like to call it. Until as a child I got a 'step' grandad who insisted on kisses. The utter revulsion makes me shudder to this day. A cheeky wave or blow a kiss, is sufficient should the child choose to do so and that is in the hands of the grandparent / relative not to be so physically demanding with the child. It is not healthy at all.

My mum does this, it really winds me up. 12yo is autistic and is only comfortable with hugging on his own terms, 9yo also feels pressured to hug her. My mum genuinely does feel sad, like it's a reflection that she's not loved, which the kids show is not true. It's something the adults have to work on I think. You're very right, and I do want my children to know about consent and personal space.