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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

406 replies

coverp · 07/08/2023 23:40

Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

OP posts:
slithytoveisascientist · 10/08/2023 18:38

@PoppyinCologne just changing one or two words in your post to see if you still agree - this is not referring to your adult daughter.
^
but this is not just someone, it's her husband^ , and i might be wondering why they don't want to be showing affection to her own husband. I'd find that very odd. I'd explain that sex makes her husband feel loved. A husband is a special person in her^ life , in my opinion , don't you think?^

Still ok with it?

slithytoveisascientist · 10/08/2023 18:38

This is NOW referring to adult daughter

Oh for an edit function

CrazyArmadilloLady · 10/08/2023 18:41

PoppyinCologne · 10/08/2023 16:40

Well of course, if my child really objected to it , of course I would not force it, I agree that's not ok, but this is not just someone, it's their grandma , and i might be wondering why they don't want to be showing affection to their own granny. I'd find that very odd. I'd explain that a hug makes granny feel loved. A grandma is a special person in their lives , in my opinion , don't you think?
But my kids have always given immediate family members a hug when we see them, it's no big deal. They also have a very special bond with my MiL and have stayed over regularly on weekends and during the holidays, my youngest calls her every night to say hi and ask her how her day was.

Show quote history

What are you complaining about then? Your child wants to kiss/hug their grandma, so all good?

Some children might not always want to, and that’s OK - it doesn’t mean they don’t love the person.

If I were a child and faced with two grandmas - one fording herself on me, and the other telling me (clearly with empathy) that I don’t have to kiss her if I don’t want to - I can tell you right now which one I’m going to feel a million times warmer towards.

Your posts display a real lack of empathy.

Kingsleadhat · 10/08/2023 18:44

Babdoc · 07/08/2023 23:43

It is very important for children - especially girls - to be taught that their boundaries and consent (or lack thereof) are important and will be respected.
Forcing young girls to accept being hugged or kissed against their will is basically grooming them.

I agree with this. As a child I was made to show affection to the relative who (unbeknownst to my parents) was abusing me. Children really do need to have the confidence to set and maintain boundaries

MinnieTruck · 10/08/2023 18:44

And it's always the needy least likeable ones that insist.

Literally!

BorgQueen · 10/08/2023 19:39

I’ve looked after my Grandson almost daily since he was six months old, our bond couldn’t be stronger, if he doesn’t want a cuddle, I respect his feelings.
I also place my own boundaries so he knows he can’t just climb / jump all over me, like he does with DH 🙄

Needmoresleepmorecoffee · 10/08/2023 19:42

Stand your ground! You have put in place completely appropriate boundaries.

I think of the people I barley even knew who would say they wanted to give me a kiss and I was forced to just accept it. My partner's mother does it to me now and I'm an adult! It's awful.

Maaate · 10/08/2023 20:04

FancyFanny · 09/08/2023 21:40

Meh, offering a cheek for a quick kiss is no big deal- it's a polite commonly accepted greeting amongst family, not a violation of your body!

How many kids have you tried to force kisses out of?

YerArseInParsley · 10/08/2023 20:07

coverp · 07/08/2023 23:40

Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

She sounds like a teenage boy, if you love me you will kiss me.

Tell her the only rude person is her and you won't make your kids kiss someone they don't want to kiss.

Uklady23 · 10/08/2023 20:19

YANBU.

I would never force of guilt my children into cuddles or kisses. I do the same approach if they don't want to kiss anybody I always try and get them to do an alternative such as High 5 or wave if that fails I get them to just say bye see you soon.

Sibicatsndogs · 10/08/2023 20:29

Don't let her walk over you and your kids. Teach them consent it all starts when their are this lil. No one should be pressured on doing something they don't want to

Gemma2003 · 10/08/2023 20:47

Your first priority is teaching your kids about their right to say no to anyone touching their bodies. It is an absolute right, not one that a relative dictates.

I would briefly respond to the text and say its not about manners, its about teaching kids they can choose who touches them, that you are sorry she feels that way and it is not intended to cause an issue or to reflect on her relationship with the kids.

She wont agree or understand, but you have at least explained your position.

Mumgonenuts2020 · 10/08/2023 21:06

My 15 year old DS I am lucky that he rests his legs on mine when laying out and watching a programme or the football! 😂🫶🫶

Mumgonenuts2020 · 10/08/2023 21:07

Thank you for their pocket money too.. ❤️

Itsybitsyminion · 10/08/2023 21:21

My DD is now 4 and over time she got more used to interact with my PIL. She will still refuse hugs and goodbye kisses every now and then even with my parents (they don't take it personal). She used to say constantly "she is not right" WTF?! I was absolutely livid! I told her that is good to learn from young age that no one can make her being affectionate if she doesn't want to. She learned her lesson the hard way as DD didn't want any kisses till recently.

SoShallINever · 10/08/2023 22:57

In my day you kissed all the relatives even if you hated them. Its so much better that children are being taught about body autonomy from being small now.
Giving them the option to wave is just great.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 23:32

Awful message from her well done for not biting.
I would really be expecting the husband to step in and asset boundaries about tone in communication with you as well as the kids bodily consent.
But if he won't or you want to reply yourself, I would say:

I didn't appreciate that text. I can see your hurt but as a parent I'm teaching the kids about consent so they know that their body parts are there's and they don't have to touch or be touched to please other people - this will help keep them safe. You need to respect Thai boundary when you see them and please support us in allowing them to choose their own greeting style - touch or no touch. Then send them a link to an article on this topic

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 23:34

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 23:32

Awful message from her well done for not biting.
I would really be expecting the husband to step in and asset boundaries about tone in communication with you as well as the kids bodily consent.
But if he won't or you want to reply yourself, I would say:

I didn't appreciate that text. I can see your hurt but as a parent I'm teaching the kids about consent so they know that their body parts are there's and they don't have to touch or be touched to please other people - this will help keep them safe. You need to respect Thai boundary when you see them and please support us in allowing them to choose their own greeting style - touch or no touch. Then send them a link to an article on this topic

Theirs *
This *

Claire03xx · 11/08/2023 10:59

Hi everyone my child’s father and i divorced 2 years ago which was a long time coming to be fair, he still thinks socialising is more important than family life
our son is 13 and his dad lives 5 mins away to be closer apparently to him
which isn’t true
he’s drinking place is close by
he only sees our son every other weekend 4 nights a month, and maybe a quick 1 min phone call occasionally
I have asked his dad to try a bit harder as the older he is getting he doesn’t want to stay
i have to tell our son you need to go
but I’m trying to explain to he’s father
there is a gap forming between you both
but he won’t listen, he always knows best
which leads to arguments as I’m tired of trying to keep there relationship but he’s dad makes no effort,
i just expected better from my ex husband with our son
but he’s only interested in going out every night do I stop trying and let our son make the choice of going or not going .

Twentytwothousand · 11/08/2023 13:49

Girls in particular are so at risk of having their boundaries seen as moveable. If they want to hug and kiss granny, great but no child should be forced to. I never was as a child. I often chose to but no adult ever told me I had to and she’s unfair to insist. I imagine she’s craving physical contact - which is understandable but not to guilt trip you like this. Just tell her you’re raising your kids to be able to express their own boundaries which will keep them safer. She won’t understand but better than being rude to her

HalebiHabibti · 11/08/2023 14:25

What did you do in the end, OP?

anxiousupnorth · 11/08/2023 15:19

We've had(/still have) to deal with very similar, and totally with you OP - the bodily autonomy is so important. For what it's worth, we tried to distance ourselves from the emotional blackmail element of it by not responding emotionally and falling back on 'even though it's not how it used to be the current research says' and sending articles that they can read or not. And then reiterating that yes, grandparents aren't exempt from this - and neither are parents; we don't force our kids to kiss or cuddle us unless they want to either. And then when it's come down to it we've basically said 'I understand that that upsets you and we wish it didn't, but it's the child's feelings that are the priority here, not the adult's.'

It's a bit sneaky but basically puts them in a position where if they really want to disregard everything you've said they have to own up to putting themselves first...

AlwaysJumping · 11/08/2023 15:31

Daisybuttercup12345 · 09/08/2023 21:41

Granny is a groomer?

Show quote history

Not saying that granny is a groomer at all. It’s saying that they are taught to give people they know affection if these lines are used and then abusers for the same. So being able to say no to granny will help them say no to others. It’s not hard to understand

DangerousAlchemy · 11/08/2023 18:03

Show her this thread! YANBU & she needs to understand children shouldn't be forced to hug or kiss anyone. She sounds a delight! Good luck OP!

CrazyArmadilloLady · 11/08/2023 18:12

So @coverp - how did you respond to her, in the end?