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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
Blackberriesbob · 07/08/2023 13:58

I think it's fine to pay them if it's a regular thing. After all, they're giving up their free time to do it.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:00

I certainly wouldn’t pay them 🤷‍♀️ They’re grandparents, they should want to look after their grandchild and yes, I would judge any grandparent harshly who accepted any money.

If they didn’t want to do it without being paid then that’s fine, I’d rather pay for professional childcare.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:01

@Blackberriesbob I know they’ll just end up spending the money on my boy anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:02

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck This is the view my friends have. I’m so stuck on what to do!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 07/08/2023 14:02

I think if you pay them they have to be registered as childminders.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:03

@Overthebow I didn’t know this!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 07/08/2023 14:04

Apart from that, for me it would depend on if they need the money or not. If they are struggling then a bit of extra money in return for childcare is a good idea. If they are comfortable then no, I wouldn’t pay, but would treat them to something they enjoy regularly such as meals out or spa days.

caramac04 · 07/08/2023 14:04

I don’t get paid but tbh would appreciate something as I’ve given up a lot to do the childcare. However in my situation if I took payments then dgc would have less. I’m not complaining.
If you can afford to then do so. If it’s a real struggle then maybe buy regular treats - flowers/wine/book etc.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:04

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:02

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck This is the view my friends have. I’m so stuck on what to do!

Why did you even think to offer in the first place? Confused

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 14:06

I certainly wouldn’t pay them 🤷‍♀️ They’re grandparents, they should want to look after their grandchild and yes, I would judge any grandparent harshly who accepted any money.
@DaisyAndDonaldDuck

Not everyone has unlimited free time for Grandchildren and may either work or want to do their own things

Not everyone has unlimited money to spend on Grandchildren, especially if this would include trips, food, snacks, activities etc

Noone should be judged for not having the time/money and seen as an unreasonable grandparent just because their children chose to reproduce and feel they are entitled to their parents time.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:06

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck First child, not sure what the etiquette is or if people offer or not. I think I just feel that because they have their own lives, looking after my DS for 3 days a week (which by the way they can’t wait to do) I just felt like I should offer a bit of money. I wasn’t sure if it was taking advantage free childcare x

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 07/08/2023 14:06

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:00

I certainly wouldn’t pay them 🤷‍♀️ They’re grandparents, they should want to look after their grandchild and yes, I would judge any grandparent harshly who accepted any money.

If they didn’t want to do it without being paid then that’s fine, I’d rather pay for professional childcare.

I would rather pay gramdparents a token sum that full nursery fees.

Funny how everyone is different

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 14:07

Grandparents don’t need to be registered if they get paid

piscesangel · 07/08/2023 14:07

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:04

Why did you even think to offer in the first place? Confused

Show quote history

I expect she thought to offer because they're giving up their time and saving her a fortune on nursery fees (apologies if I'm wrong here OP, I'm assuming you're planning to offer something less than commercial nursery rates). I think it's the right thing to do to offer - up to them whether they want to accept or not

Magneta · 07/08/2023 14:08

We didn't, my mum wouldn't hear of it but not all grandparents have the financial means to react like that. I think you should offer and if your mums say yes, that's fine. It's a blinkered reaction from your friends.

There are hidden expenses whether petrol, equipment, food, any days out, they'll prob buy toys if they are having your child at theirs. Even if a baby doesn't eat much and is free at the zoo, they will likely be paying out buying and doing things specially because the baby is there. So there is scope to offer expenses without even getting to offering to pay for their time. However you can easily cause offence too - it's tricky.

feemcgee · 07/08/2023 14:08

I think it was a nice thing for you to offer, and I wouldn't judge them at all for accepting money. You're showing them that you are grateful for their help and that you value them. Looking after a baby for three days is a lot of work and some people seem to take it for granted that their parents should just do this.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 07/08/2023 14:08

I think if your initial plan was to offer then do that. If they refuse to accept, that's fine too.

I think if they are giving up a substial amount of time to do this it is right to offer. They will probably be doing much more than asked anyway.

And yes - will likely spend money on DC.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:08

@piscesangel Yes, I’ve worked out nursery fees vs what id offer them and I think it would save hundreds a month for me and DH

OP posts:
nc14 · 07/08/2023 14:09

My mum watched DC two days a week between ages 1-2 and now one day a week. I pay her parking (which is high, £25 a day) but that’s all. When she’s seen a dress she likes or something else I’ve bought it for her, but there’s no formal arrangement. I also do a lot of admin for her.

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 14:09

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck maybe she offered because she is a nice person and doesn’t want to take advantage of them.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:09

@feemcgee I’m a FTM and honestly looking after my DS is a full time job. That’s why I feel like I should offer x

OP posts:
Helpmepleaseimbusy · 07/08/2023 14:10

Overthebow · 07/08/2023 14:02

I think if you pay them they have to be registered as childminders.

That's only if you are paying through work like with vouchers. If that was the case every 17/18 year old doing holiday babysitting would need to be registered.

Mojoj · 07/08/2023 14:10

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:00

I certainly wouldn’t pay them 🤷‍♀️ They’re grandparents, they should want to look after their grandchild and yes, I would judge any grandparent harshly who accepted any money.

If they didn’t want to do it without being paid then that’s fine, I’d rather pay for professional childcare.

Similarly I would judge harshly any parent who assumes they'll get free childcare from the grandparents. I think it's always the right thing to do to offer something. It will still be far cheaper than nursery fees. And a whole lot less entitled!

itsmylife7 · 07/08/2023 14:12

Reasons to never discuss your private family stuff with "friends " they judge and make shitty comments.

If a , pretty much always, Grandmother gives up her job to look after GC, unless they're well off financially, should receive some help with expenses.

Petrol money....paid day out activities.
Not necessarily for food,unless really needed.

Singleandproud · 07/08/2023 14:12

I didn't pay my parents but did transfer across my National insurance credits for the years my dad cared for my DD. He had lots of missing years that he had spent unofficially caring for his parents and brother during their several bouts of cancer.