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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 14:35

It will be interesting to see how many parents who currently have grandparents providing childcare will be able to offer the same when they become grandparents, as s many people won't be able to retire until much older

Inthetropics · 07/08/2023 14:37

It's very common for grandparents to be paid where I live. If it's no the odd day here and there, I find it fair to pay them something.

MaryShelley1818 · 07/08/2023 14:37

My DM and DMIL do one day a week each.
We don't expect it and never asked but they enjoy being involved in their grandchildren's lives and neither work or have other commitments. It would be absolutely fine if they didn't want to but the children would be sad as they love going.

For our family it wouldn't occur to me to pay a Grandparent to spend time with their Grandchildren. They would be very insulted. They're not hired help.

Obviously different families/circumstances will view things differently though.

Iwasafool · 07/08/2023 14:39

I think it depends on a few things.

Are you better off than them? If you are it would be nice as it is likely to cost them, food, petrol and outings.

If they are OK financially it would still be nice to offer something to cover costs they incur but if not maybe a gift from time to time? Bring some flowers, take them out for a meal.

I do lots of childcare, six GC, and I've never wanted payment of any kind or been offered it. A recognition is nice, one family will bring a nice cake or send flowers, the other seem to just take it for granted.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:40

RedPony1 · 07/08/2023 14:33

And i'm now judging you "harshly" for this comment.

The token amounts offered probably cover snacks, eating out, activities.
Not all grandparents can afford to do all that for their grandchildren. And it's a lot cheaper than nursery!

It's not a Grandparents job to provide free childcare, contrary to MN belief. My parents are extremely busy so would never be regular childcare - they've done their child rearing days!

Show quote history

Judge away Grin

I explicitly said grandparents are not obliged to help their child out, but I also said I certainly wouldn’t be paying them. I would absolutely rather pay a professional childcare provider.

My children are not a financial transaction for family members, and anyone who thinks they are is certainly not someone I want around them.

Didimum · 07/08/2023 14:41

I think an amount intended to cover activities, petrol and food/drinks is a very kind gesture. Yes, I did offer to pay my mum who had my kids twice a week. I gave her £100 a week.

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 14:42

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck do you not think any expenses they may have looking after their grandchildren should be covered

donkra · 07/08/2023 14:42

I think whatever works for a family is that family's business and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with offering to pay people to look after a grandchild; childcare is work.

However, I would worry you'll end up with the worst of both worlds: paying for childcare without the ability to actually voice your opinions about said childcare and have them taken seriously. And a lot of grandparent childcare ends up falling through when grandparents realise they really aren't up to the relentlessness of several days a week every week, or that they can't just take a holiday or a day off when they fancy it.

Neurotic90 · 07/08/2023 14:43

Our parents wouldn't accept any money, but we try make sure they're not out of pocket from doing us a favour and make sure they're fed and the cupboards stocked with things they like when they're here. We probably spend a bit more on birthday/Christmas etc gifts than in the past and buy the odd voucher.

We make sure if they have to cancel for whatever reason they feel no responsibility or guilt too, this wasn't a conscious thing but my mum has since told me how much she appreciates this in comparison to how my sister in law treats her so one to keep in mind. We don't expect them to strictly keep the same routine as us either.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:44

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 14:42

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck do you not think any expenses they may have looking after their grandchildren should be covered

No of course not. The activities they choose to do with their grandchildren are their choice.

MariaVT65 · 07/08/2023 14:45

I would personally not accept money from my children to babysit my grandchildren.

I would also personally pay them only if they really needed the money, and the money would be for expenses like taking kids out.

OursonGuimauve · 07/08/2023 14:58

I pay my Mum, she looks after DS while I work and her time is not her own then. It's less than I would pay in other childcare, it helps boost her pension. We both win. It might be different if DM didn't need the money but if she wasn't helping us out she would have at least a part time job.

Birch101 · 07/08/2023 15:02

So I don't think it's unreasonable to offer some money, but i wouldn't pay the same as I would to a child minder or nursery
Work out what you can comfortably afford e.g. my nursery is £54 for 9-5 dinner not included. 20% is paid for by Tax free childcare so I only pay £43.20 so you could offer for example £15 -20 per day or a lump sum in experience vouchers every quarter

Also
● I'd make sure both of their pension credits were maxed out and if not allocate child benefit NI years to them.
● I would pay for all and any passes, e.g. soft play/zoos/sensory groups
● Cover all food costs
● I would provide fuel/public transport costs and additional car seats/strollers

As it will be a regular thing I'd make sure they weren't out of pocket so if they went down the library for wriggle and rhyme they could have a cup of tea etc

If you think they'd end up spending it on your son anyway I'd propose a joint monzo (for example) account with each one.
You can put in funds and they can access them as and when they need and the money is still.accessible to you if they decline and use their own.

I think it's about respect and that you understand time is something you can't get back so you appreciate them

Offer - they can always decline 😊

My inlaws will be doing nursery drop offs soon and so I will be offering petrol costs to them

Forgoodnesssakewhatnow · 07/08/2023 15:04

I don’t pay my mum but would be more than happy to and do buy her gifts every now and then to say how much we appreciate her help. Eg when her kindle broke, we bought her a new one straight away

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 15:04

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:03

@Overthebow I didn’t know this!

You didn’t know it because it’s not true. If they’re financially flush they’ll refuse the payment but you should definitely offer it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/08/2023 15:07

Depends if you are paying for their costs, or paying for costs and a service.

With a formal childcare setting, you can see what you are paying for. There are things like EYFS guidelines, first aid, ofsted, etc. You can discuss nap times and acreen expectations, dietary matters.

When it's grandparents, the idea is that you suck up their way of doing it as they are giving up their time for their grandkids.

If you decide to pay your MIL £150 a week, what happens if baby is never put down for proper naps, or MIL decides to give foods you've not agreed to, etc. You are paying for a service so you will want some say over what that service looks like.

TheGoogleMum · 07/08/2023 15:09

We don't pay, they do childcare 1 day a week for us

Danikm151 · 07/08/2023 15:11

I used to give my mom £20 a day and pay for his food. Provide nappies etc. 1 day a week to save on childcare
Then when the 30 hours kicked in he went up to 5 days a week.

alszq · 07/08/2023 15:14

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:12

Way too many replies to reply individually but essentially, it isn’t taking advantage of you ask and they say yes. They’re free to say no.

I’ve never heard of anyone offering grandparents money.

Fair enough if grandparents don’t want to help their child out, they’re not obliged to, but if they do, looking after their grandchild should not be made into a financial transaction. I think that’s awful.

I think your attitude is awful ...

Crossstich · 07/08/2023 15:17

I am a grandparent, I don't get paid and wouldn't expect it either. I am definitely out of pocket when we look after our GC as I pay for things when I look after them.
But I just see it as helping my DC and creating a bond with GC. I do it for love
But everyone is different some GP may nor be able to afford it

golddustwomen · 07/08/2023 15:20

It was my nan who looked after my dc. She wouldn't take any money directly off me but I used to leave some every so often on the side. I was grateful as hell and SO glad my dc have the bond they do with their great nan.

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 15:21

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck do you expect them to pay for a cot, high chair, car seat too?

Do you use grandparents for childcare?

BananaSlug · 07/08/2023 15:21

When my mum use to look after mine (not whilst I work just to give me a break) she told me I should be paying her and that all her friends daughters do

Genericusername2 · 07/08/2023 15:22

I pay my mum £300 a month for childcare.

That's for 2 days with my 4 year old plus school pick ups 3 times a week for my 8 year old.

She has a history of agreeing to watch the kids previously and then 'forgetting' she had other arrangements when she had a similar agreement for my brother.

She's offered to watch mine, This way I approached it with her like a Job - these are your days with the kids, if you've got something else on then no problem but you need to let me know in advance. Not the day of/night before. No rearranging cos your meeting Sheila for a coffee last minute. I got a diary and wrote in all the days she had the kids, my shifts, any holidays I had booked in for the year. She did the same with any holidays/appointments she had and it goes back and forth for updates.

She initially refused the money said it was too much. It's still cheaper than what I would pay a childminder so I told her it absolutely wasn't, she was still saving me money and she could use it how she pleased. I also pay for zoo passes, gym memberships for her and the kids.

She uses it towards days out for the kids, have taken them on a caravan holiday twice in the school holidays. Which this has paid for.

Youngest is starting school after summer and my shifts will be changing so I now will only need her 1 day a week after school.

Problem is I now feel awkward approaching this with her as I'm sure the extra money has helped over the last 2 years.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 15:24

@Elsiebear90 I think my overall view on it is that it is most likely best to offer, if they don’t accept I’ll buy them treats/gift cards every month.
Their clubs / groups are their life and hobbies - they will be missing out seeing their friends etc so I think it’s only right I offer something. Looking after my son will be a full on day for them (they’re 55 and 65) so still able, but I mean I’m 27 and it’s a struggle some days for me 🤣

OP posts: