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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
neighboursmustliveon · 10/08/2023 19:51

neighboursmustliveon · 10/08/2023 19:46

It never occurred to us to offer and I’m certain my in laws wouldn’t have accepted. They were happy they were spending time with their grandchildren and growing a bond with them.

They weren’t necessarily the most practical option all the time but the fact they saved us money made it worth it so to pay them would remove that benefit.

I should point out that my in laws only had them one day a week, they were retired so it didn’t impact them financially and they looked after them in our home so all food/nappies etc cost was covered. It did cost them petrol money which perhaps we could have offered to cover but I genuinely don’t think my in laws would have accepted. My fil particularly felt it was his job to still support his kids (they still pay for sil petrol money when she comes to visit).

HHN · 10/08/2023 19:52

I’m also in the position. Returning to work the start of September my mam is taking care of DS for 4 hours 3 days a week. I feel like I need to offer something but not sure what the appropriate amount is?!

Trishthedish · 10/08/2023 19:53

As a grandparent it is a difficult one. I was approaching 70 when my first grandchild was born and it was assumed that I would take care of baby. I do a couple of days a week and am absolutely shattered. My daughter and SIL both work in London so I sometimes have baby 10/12 hours. Arrangement is that they stock up my freezer with good quality frozen meals and transfer a couple of hundred quid a month so that when I am out and about with baby I can have coffee and cake and pay to go to whatever to keep baby entertained. So yes pay your family to work for you, because that’s what it is, and I’m a lot cheaper than nursery, who fine you if your late picking up because your train was cancelled etc.

Laurama91 · 10/08/2023 19:59

My dad used to give my grandma and grandad (mums side) £30 a week for both me and my brother. My mum passed when we young. my grandparents didn't want any money even though they had us 5 days a week before and after school. My dad insisted on them taking something.

MrsPositivity1 · 10/08/2023 20:03

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:12

Way too many replies to reply individually but essentially, it isn’t taking advantage of you ask and they say yes. They’re free to say no.

I’ve never heard of anyone offering grandparents money.

Fair enough if grandparents don’t want to help their child out, they’re not obliged to, but if they do, looking after their grandchild should not be made into a financial transaction. I think that’s awful.

its not a financial transaction but you are definitely benefiting financially

CantFindMyMarbles · 10/08/2023 20:04

I think it’s only fair to offer the money as they will likely incur regular expenditure as it’s an ongoing thing.
that’s said - I’d they refuse then they refuse and j wouldn’t push it. But, j would buy gifts regularly and little treats

Middleagedspreadisreal · 10/08/2023 20:18

I look after two DGC's & would never dream of taking money for doing it, even though their parents are far better off than me.

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 20:22

Middleagedspreadisreal · 10/08/2023 20:18

I look after two DGC's & would never dream of taking money for doing it, even though their parents are far better off than me.

In which case they’re taking you for a ride. Cheeky buggers.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 10/08/2023 20:26

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 20:22

In which case they’re taking you for a ride. Cheeky buggers.

Show quote history

Not at all! They're generous at Christmas and Birthdays and pay for the odd weekend away. The fact that I spend time with my DGC's is priceless.

stacyvaron · 10/08/2023 20:27

This isn't occasionally minding the baby for a few hours, it's a job with set days and hours, so of course you should pay them. What entitlement one must have to expect , even insist, that grandmothers should do it free. The cheek!!! They raised their chdren, they are not obligated to raise yours as well (not speaking to u, op).

OhcantthInkofaname · 10/08/2023 20:51

I am a grandparent. I watch my 5 month old GD one day a week (3 months now). I do not expect to be paid. They pick me up and take me home. I am in the US and owning my own vehicle would take about 50% of my income. I had to retire early due to a disability and my pension is limited. I have most of my grocery items delivered. Sometimes I run out or forget things. I do ask that they let me stop and pick some items. It works for us as she happens to be the most beautiful child born.

GrannyRose15 · 10/08/2023 21:01

It very much depends on the difference in financial status. My DH and I have far more than my Dd so we never ask for anything but it would be different if I was on my own and had to live on a state pension. Even if you don’t pay them a wage as such please consider repaying their expenses. Trips out turn out to be expensive so offer to pay for them and also supply food and nappies so they are not out of pocket for these.

Pigriver · 10/08/2023 21:08

My mum paid my gran when we were little. She said it made it feel a bit more formal and my gran wouldn't let her down if she felt like doing something else.
Similarly I would do the same. If nursery fees were £60 I'd pay £30 (as long as they were happy with this and didn't think it was too little) or maybe £100 for the 3 days. As you say they'd probably spend it on your son but it would also cover expenses like soft play.
Also make sure they have all supplies they need including nappies, baby food etc. My brother never supplied anything so it actually cost my mum to look after his kids (also never offered any money).
3 days a week for the next few years is a big undertaking and keeping family sweet is so important.

Dibbydoos · 10/08/2023 22:33

There's a big diff between visiting with your grandkids and looking after them regularly. I would pay them then there's no feeling of being used. Your DC will def benefit being close to both GMs.

Good luck, OP.

adriftabroad · 10/08/2023 23:24

It is so true. The buck has just been passed down a generation.

Firethehorse · 11/08/2023 07:32

Different families will have different perspectives and finances so it’s never a one size fits all.
It’s not right to assume parents should care for your children for free, if they can that’s wonderful and should be absolutely appreciated. However, ALL costs should be covered from food, nappies, entrance fees to petrol.
Some posters do sound a little entitled, especially those who feel grandparents should just be grateful.

londonrach · 11/08/2023 07:34

Be careful here as paying means they have to be registered....covering expenses they don't!

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 07:47

@londonrach that’s not true, close relatives don’t have to register even if paid more than expenses (in England anyway)

sarah419 · 11/08/2023 08:40

I use grandparents and they would be offended even if i bring such a thing up. They child is also theirs in a way - my parents regularly say that their grandchildren are dearer to them than their children. However what could be an option is offer bigger birthday presents eg we pay for a holiday or big purchases they may want for the house.

Julimia · 11/08/2023 09:24

Grandparent here. It has nothing to do with anyone else except you and parents. Do what fits and over time what fits may change. Occasional treats for carers can be a good way round this. Just everyone enjoy these times not here for ever.

Scotland32 · 11/08/2023 09:45

It’s a personal choice. My parents have always looked after mine 1 day per week and they would be offended if I offered them money. But they don’t need the money - perhaps if they did it would be different.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 10:16

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:00

I certainly wouldn’t pay them 🤷‍♀️ They’re grandparents, they should want to look after their grandchild and yes, I would judge any grandparent harshly who accepted any money.

If they didn’t want to do it without being paid then that’s fine, I’d rather pay for professional childcare.

So because they are grandparents their time and effort has no value?

Did they get any say in the timing and frequency of the production of these grandchildren they are so obliged to serve???

WannaBeRecluse · 11/08/2023 10:37

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/08/2023 10:16

So because they are grandparents their time and effort has no value?

Did they get any say in the timing and frequency of the production of these grandchildren they are so obliged to serve???

Show quote history

They're grandparents, they should just crave time with their grandchild and be so grateful for the chance to have them at any opportunity. It's not like they now want to travel, have friends and do all those things they put off when raising their own children. Or just prepare by saving and working for a secure old age so their children don't have to fund them in their old age. (sarcasm).

I think I could enjoy a day a week. On a day that suits me and doesn't clash other things.

Devon06 · 11/08/2023 12:54

When my kids were small I did pay my parents as I didn't want the situation that it was a favour and they didn't turn up for instance as I was working in the city and a single parent. My Mum did 3 days and my dad did 2 days. I paid them £600 pm to my mum and my dad only wanted £250. I was comfortable with the agreement until people commented! They did this for about 9 years until I moved and left that job. Gave me peace of mind and they didn't mind if I missed a train etc and would put the kids to bed etc, sort the dogs out. Each to their own really.

Themaghag · 11/08/2023 14:17

My husband and I were in our early 60s when our first grandchild was born, and both still working. However, we often had him for sleepovers at the weekend and when his sister was born three years later, we had both children stay some weekends and we were always available for babysitting during the evenings. Now they are older they have their own busy social lives and sports activities, but stay with us when their parents want to go away or have an evening out. We also take them on holiday every year and for regular outings. Our DGS plays cricket and my husband takes him to matches and training sessions every week during the summer. We love having them and wouldn't dream of asking for or accepting any payment. However, I would never have entered into any regular childcare arrangement without being paid. There's a big difference between having your darling grandchildren visit and having to honour a regular commitment that restricts your freedom and leaves you out of pocket regarding food, entertainment, travel etc. We are now in our 70s and retired and are very aware that our healthy lifespans might be limited and there's so much we both still want to do while we can. Children, lovely as they are, are tiring and expensive - ad hoc visits, outings, treats are one thing - regular childcare something totally different!