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Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
Daniki · 08/08/2023 06:02

We offered but they didn't accept. When I first went back my mum and my husbands mum took it turns to mind my son as he was on a waiting list for Creche, I provided all food, nappies etc. at Christmas time we paid for their big Christmas shop and then for their birthdays got them a weekend away.

My mum still works full time shift work so she was giving up a lot of her days off and she lived an hour away. My MIL doesn't work and lives beside us, but both loved minding him and wouldn't dream of accepting money but appreciated our gifts. He's in creche now but my mum always wants my son to come stay with her on her wknds off as she misses him and doesn't get to see him regularly!

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 06:48

I’d absolutely offer to pay them

LT2 · 08/08/2023 06:54

I pay my mother. I'd feel wrong not to. Plus it would be unfair to my siblings, who didn't have childcare from my mother - why should I get it free and they had to pay for nursery/childminder (my mother was working back then). It is a small amount, she wouldn't accept more (I tried!). £10 a day - more is added on the day she goes to groups with him, to cover the fee. Another family member has him other days (I work 3 days plus some weekends). They are still of working age so get paid more, but still not as much as I'd be paying for professional childcare.

Mumof2teens79 · 08/08/2023 06:56

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

Did you ask or did they offer?
They must know they are saving you money, that's part of the reason for offering and want you to keep that saving.
But be clear they know its a regular & fixed thing, not a casual thing (MIL would offer to have kids for day every few months to help out, but that just meant taking them out of nursery for the day)

If they were not grandparents but aunties etc, or had given up work to do this I would pay, but probably not grandcentral who already don't work and who volunteered.

AndrewGarfieldsLaptop · 08/08/2023 06:59

My mum demanded to be paid

Goatsanddogs · 08/08/2023 07:01

Little gifts now and again to show you appreciate what they are doing, take them out for a meal, flowers, wine etc lots of ways to say thank you without paying.

Fartooold · 08/08/2023 07:05

My grandchild is 8 years old now. I have looked after him for at least 1 day and an overnight every week since he was about 3 weeks old.
I have him for 2 full days every school holiday, with an overnight, and ad hoc weekends away.
I have never expected a penny to be paid, BUT I have to admit to sometimes being pissed off that I never even get a bunch of flowers or box of chocs as a thank you.

I know they are grateful, they tell me that, but I would say to anyone using GPS for childcare - buy an occasional meal, bunch of flowers etc., just to show how much you appreciate the help.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 07:05

Goatsanddogs · 08/08/2023 07:01

Little gifts now and again to show you appreciate what they are doing, take them out for a meal, flowers, wine etc lots of ways to say thank you without paying.

That only works if they’re financially secure. You can’t pay the bills with flowers and wine. I also think it’s spectacularly mean when you consider the amount of money they’re saving you.

Lulooo · 08/08/2023 07:15

I have my two year old DGS for 4 hours a day in the evenings on most weekdays. It’s bloody hard, I tell you. He’s an energetic and curious child who constantly needs entertaining. He talks a lot, plays a lot, wants me to join in and by the end of if, I’m exhausted. But I love him like crazy and he’s the apple of my eye. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m relieved on the days he doesn’t come but still miss him and end up asking them to drop by for 5 mins on the way home so we can see him. They live across the road.

If my DS and DDIL offered to pay I wouldn’t take it as I know they’re just about managing. If they had a more stable income and offered to pay I’d suggest they put it into a separate account for now and I could decide what I want to do with it in the future. Maybe I’d give it back to them as a lump sum, or it into a trust fund for by DGS or maybe I’d spend it myself.

I think it’s extremely cheeky for parents to expect grandparents to look after their children without any acknowledgment. Grandparents have a life too and aren’t free childcare. I give up my evening and that would have been time I caught up with my own studies, hobbies, work prep etc and taking out time to babysit is a sacrifice on my behalf, albeit one I thoroughly enjoy.

Upwiththelark76 · 08/08/2023 07:33

Maybe a better way of looking it is to give a bit of cash to contribute to food / heating whilst the baby is being minded ?

ginandtonicwithlimes · 08/08/2023 07:57

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:44

No of course not. The activities they choose to do with their grandchildren are their choice.

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Not even the extra food they need to buy for the children? Seems ill mannered to me.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 08:24

ginandtonicwithlimes · 08/08/2023 07:57

Not even the extra food they need to buy for the children? Seems ill mannered to me.

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Nope. My children’s grandparents love providing for my children.

They don’t see them as a financial transaction. They enjoy spending money on them.

They would be offended if I offered and I would be offended if they said yes.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 08:33

My children’s grandparents love providing for my children

So they say.

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:42

Can I ask why it’s all on the grandmothers and the grandfathers aren’t being asked to take turns too? Just curious as it always seems to be women who are expected to do this.

W0tnow · 08/08/2023 08:42

It wouldn’t happen in my family but we’re all financially comfortable, which surely makes a difference.

W0tnow · 08/08/2023 08:45

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:42

Can I ask why it’s all on the grandmothers and the grandfathers aren’t being asked to take turns too? Just curious as it always seems to be women who are expected to do this.

I’ll wager it’s a generational thing. The younger granddads would probably do it more these. My dad was an anomaly (I’m mid 50s with grown up kids) and he looked after all of his grandkids.

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:48

W0tnow · 08/08/2023 08:45

I’ll wager it’s a generational thing. The younger granddads would probably do it more these. My dad was an anomaly (I’m mid 50s with grown up kids) and he looked after all of his grandkids.

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Just seems to be yet another area of life where women are expected to provide free labour to others, whilst there isn’t the same expectation on men. In this case there could be good reasons of course, but it happens all the time.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 08:48

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:42

Can I ask why it’s all on the grandmothers and the grandfathers aren’t being asked to take turns too? Just curious as it always seems to be women who are expected to do this.

It’s not. Did you not read the thread title?

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:50

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 08:48

It’s not. Did you not read the thread title?

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Yes, and then I read past it, because I don’t only read the headline, do you? She only mentions the grandmothers.

DreamItDoIt · 08/08/2023 08:56

I don't see a problem with this and think it's an excellent way of passing money between the family. In the same way I would pay my children for jobs they do.

Of course most grandparents do it for free but this fits in nicely with 'getting the over 50'a back to work'.

Mischance · 08/08/2023 09:00

I have regularly looked after my GC while AC at work. I did not want payment, because part of the object was to save them child care costs and help them to keep afloat financially.
However there is no "should" about it as a pp suggested. It depends on the circumstances.
If your mum and MIL have not asked for payment then I would accept this as a gift, but treat them now and again ... flowers, a meal.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 08/08/2023 09:01

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 08:24

Nope. My children’s grandparents love providing for my children.

They don’t see them as a financial transaction. They enjoy spending money on them.

They would be offended if I offered and I would be offended if they said yes.

Show quote history

It isn't a financial transaction. It is a way of expressing your gratitude and thanks to your parents. I suspect they might think you are a CF but won't say it.

Houseplantmad · 08/08/2023 09:08

Offer the money and if they don’t accept it, bank it and buy them a weekend away at a hotel or some other experience periodically.
Be prepared that they may want to reduce days as three is quite a lot and although the thought for them may be lovely, the reality can be different ie keep an open dialogue with them in how they are coping.

jannier · 08/08/2023 09:11

Overthebow · 07/08/2023 14:02

I think if you pay them they have to be registered as childminders.

No they are grandparents