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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
jannier · 08/08/2023 09:13

RedPandaFluff · 07/08/2023 14:14

I think expecting grandparents to want to enter into a regular childcare arrangement is a shockingly entitled mindset. As for judging grandparents harshly who don't want to commit a huge part of their lives to caring for grandchildren . . . well, that's even worse. Grandparents may have their own interests or goals for this stage in their lives. They've already raised their kids, it shouldn't be assumed that they're delighted to be raising someone else's!

I'm grateful for any care my parents/in-laws can provide and never, ever take it for granted. Offering payment is respectful and shows you appreciate their time and the responsibility they're taking on. They can always say no thank you, we don't want paying, in which case, great.

Great answer

jannier · 08/08/2023 09:15

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:44

No of course not. The activities they choose to do with their grandchildren are their choice.

Show quote history

Wow

MissTrip82 · 08/08/2023 09:32

We would offer if we wanted a regular gig. They’re still doing you a huge favour, and it recognises that they are giving up something for you.

I wouldn’t concern myself with the opinions of anyone who would ‘judge a grad parent harshly’ as I would think such a person a fool.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 09:33

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 08:33

My children’s grandparents love providing for my children

So they say.

They do. And they’re all very forthright so they’d tell me if they didn’t.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 09:33

ginandtonicwithlimes · 08/08/2023 09:01

It isn't a financial transaction. It is a way of expressing your gratitude and thanks to your parents. I suspect they might think you are a CF but won't say it.

Show quote history

They would tell me if they did. They’re all very forthright.

theoldrelic · 08/08/2023 09:38

The award for the most entitled CF of the year goes to @DaisyAndDonaldDuck

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 09:39

theoldrelic · 08/08/2023 09:38

The award for the most entitled CF of the year goes to @DaisyAndDonaldDuck

Nope, not entitled at all. I’ve never asked them to look after my children and I’ve never expected them to, they’ve always offered because they wanted to.

If they didn’t want to, I would happily pay for professional childcare.

Beautiful3 · 08/08/2023 09:49

I think you're very lucky, I would pay them something too. So that it feels like a permanent arrangement, rather than a string of favours that they may tire of. They wouldn't feel taken advantage of, nor grow resentful for sacrificing clubs/hobbies.

theoldrelic · 08/08/2023 09:51

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck
you sound entitled but maybe that’s because you are so forthright.

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 09:59

So will you do the same if you have grandchildren @DaisyAndDonaldDuck?

I wonder if the GPs think you are an entitled CF as we all do, but are just too polite to tell you!

Do you ever treat them, or would you see that as being deemed a financial transaction?

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 09:59

theoldrelic · 08/08/2023 09:51

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck
you sound entitled but maybe that’s because you are so forthright.

If I was entitled I would be expecting them to look after my children, and I certainly don’t.

I would happily pay for professional childcare if they didn’t want to do it.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 10:01

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 09:59

So will you do the same if you have grandchildren @DaisyAndDonaldDuck?

I wonder if the GPs think you are an entitled CF as we all do, but are just too polite to tell you!

Do you ever treat them, or would you see that as being deemed a financial transaction?

Yes I would do the same. That’s what families are for.

They don’t think I’m a CF. They’re very forthright so they would tell me.

We all help each other out where necessary with whatever we need. No money involved. Because that’s what families are for.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/08/2023 10:11

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:08

@piscesangel Yes, I’ve worked out nursery fees vs what id offer them and I think it would save hundreds a month for me and DH

How much are nursery fees versus what you are planning to offer?

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 10:25

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck is that because you all have money?

User6424678852 · 08/08/2023 10:29

Several years ago MIL reduced her hours significantly to provide childcare for SIL. She felt it was expected. She really lost out financially and now SIL is financially comfortable whereas MIL is struggling to afford things on her pension with no savings and has had to do equity release on her house to pay debts.

I think if you want significant amounts of regular childcare, such that someone has to change their work hours (or give up regular hobbies/social life if retired) then you should be compensating for it.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 08/08/2023 10:42

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck
Do you even treat your family for their hours of childcare they're providing you. A meal out, a small family break, chocolates etc? Or are you going to repeat the line about "financial transactions". Either that or you're all lucky enough to be minted.

Meanwhile in the real world, as much as someone loves their Grandchildren, they can't provide for them on love alone. Sometimes grandparents need help with other costs, and that doesn't make them any less of a loving grandparent than anyone else who has money. At the very least, some tokens of appreciation should be given, even a hand drawn card from the child every now and then. I imagine that's too entitled for Grandparents to expect though, Daisy....

LittleMissUnreasonable · 08/08/2023 10:47

Several years ago MIL reduced her hours significantly to provide childcare for SIL. She felt it was expected. She really lost out financially and now SIL is financially comfortable whereas MIL is struggling to afford things on her pension with no savings and has had to do equity release on her house to pay debts
@User6424678852
That's disgusting SIL just sat back, lapped up the free childcare benefits, and left MIL to penny pinch when times get tough for her. I would lose a hell of a lot of respect for SIL after that.

You see it a lot on MN, people expecting Grandparents to chip in and be part of the 'village', but then the village disappears when the in laws need help with finances/old age/health and suddenly they become overbearing burdens.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 10:48

LittleMissUnreasonable · 08/08/2023 10:42

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck
Do you even treat your family for their hours of childcare they're providing you. A meal out, a small family break, chocolates etc? Or are you going to repeat the line about "financial transactions". Either that or you're all lucky enough to be minted.

Meanwhile in the real world, as much as someone loves their Grandchildren, they can't provide for them on love alone. Sometimes grandparents need help with other costs, and that doesn't make them any less of a loving grandparent than anyone else who has money. At the very least, some tokens of appreciation should be given, even a hand drawn card from the child every now and then. I imagine that's too entitled for Grandparents to expect though, Daisy....

Well you’re right there, nobody should be expecting anything.

None of us are minted or wealthy, we’re just average families, and like I already said, we all help each other out with no expectations of anything in return. Because that’s what families do.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 08/08/2023 10:55

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck
None of us are minted or wealthy, we’re just average families, and like I already said, we all help each other out with no expectations of anything in return. Because that’s what families do.

I understand that, but it seems very one-sided to benefit you. The grandparents save you a fortune in childcare costs, you don't appear to even take them out for dinner or get them a gift as a thank you every now and then, as the children are not a "financial transaction" and it shouldn't even cross their minds. I'm not even talking about money here, more tokens of thanks and appreciation for all they do.

My friend's parents bought her a car several years ago and when I suggested getting them a decent gift it really threw her, and she seemed confused with the concept. I think nowdays people expect so much from parents and don't think to thank them in any way.

I say this as someone too young to be a grandparent, and who didn't have the best parental relationships growing up as well.

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 11:04

But aren't you expecting something @DaisyAndDonaldDuck? You expected your parents to buy a car seat, if they had asked money for it that would have been deemed treating your child as a financial transaction and you would not have let them see your DC. Sounds more like you set the expectations and everyone else has to fit in with them

HappyGranny7 · 08/08/2023 11:06

Definitely pay. Days out inc ice creams, soft play fees, sweeties etc. soon adds up and parents shouldn’t be out of pocket

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 11:13

@LittleMissUnreasonable No, it’s not one sided. As I said, we all help each other out regularly.

@toomuchlaundry No, I didn’t expect them to buy a car seat. They offered to buy one because they wanted to. Had they not mentioned it I would have just bought one.

I think the conversation went something along the lines of “Oh DD will need a car seat for our car won’t she? I’ll get…” As pretty much all conversations about the kids needing stuff with them go.

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 11:17

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck did you not then offer to pay for it, as most normal people would

caringcarer · 08/08/2023 11:19

Years ago when DS1 was a baby my Mum looked after him one full day every week and on another day each week my sister had him in morning then took him to my Mum at lunch time and I collected him in evening. I used to insist on paying my Mum £10 a day. This was many years ago. She used to put it straight into DS1 saving bank account but I didn't realise for ages. Then I got the annual statement and saw what she had done.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 11:23

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 11:17

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck did you not then offer to pay for it, as most normal people would

Like always, I probably said “if you don’t mind” and of course they then say some form of “of course not, don’t be silly, we love DD”.