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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:12

Way too many replies to reply individually but essentially, it isn’t taking advantage of you ask and they say yes. They’re free to say no.

I’ve never heard of anyone offering grandparents money.

Fair enough if grandparents don’t want to help their child out, they’re not obliged to, but if they do, looking after their grandchild should not be made into a financial transaction. I think that’s awful.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:13

Thank you everyone
I’m going to stick with my original thought and offer to pay them!
They love my DS to bits but they are also giving up parts of their life for me and DS so I think it’s right for me to offer
Also saves me money anyway x

OP posts:
RedPandaFluff · 07/08/2023 14:14

I think expecting grandparents to want to enter into a regular childcare arrangement is a shockingly entitled mindset. As for judging grandparents harshly who don't want to commit a huge part of their lives to caring for grandchildren . . . well, that's even worse. Grandparents may have their own interests or goals for this stage in their lives. They've already raised their kids, it shouldn't be assumed that they're delighted to be raising someone else's!

I'm grateful for any care my parents/in-laws can provide and never, ever take it for granted. Offering payment is respectful and shows you appreciate their time and the responsibility they're taking on. They can always say no thank you, we don't want paying, in which case, great.

Whattodo112222 · 07/08/2023 14:14

I wouldn't pay them formally as such. Could you maybe just give them a weekly set amount they can use for spending money when they take your child out etc.

Singleandproud · 07/08/2023 14:15

@Lilacriver why not pay for season passes so that they have places to take your DC for free, zoo, sea life centre, museum, bewilderwood, lego land etc depending on where you live. My parents wouldn't have accepted cash but they would have accepted those.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:15

@Singleandproud This is a great idea, thank you!

OP posts:
MoonLion · 07/08/2023 14:17

My parents wouldn't have expected money and I wouldn't either (if I help with grandchildren in years to come). But every family is different, whatever works for yours is fine.

GreenMonstersParty · 07/08/2023 14:18

I think its very kind for your parents & MIL to do this for you & will mean you save a lot of money (at least £50 a day plus a lot more in some parts of the country).

I'm not sure if you should pay them, but they shouldn't be out of pocket for doing it for you.

So this means that you should cover the costs of them having your baby by providing babies food, nappies etc as well as some money towards activities they take your baby too (some will be free others will be chargeable), some money occasionally for them to get a cup of tea & a slice of cake whilst out with your baby etc.

About £20 a week should be fine, plus treating them occasionally too.

pinksparkly · 07/08/2023 14:19

Hi I paid my mum and also my in-laws a nominal amount each month some years ago.
Neither of them were partically well off and I used to pay £150 per month for part time help. This would cover petrol, some food, odd days out etc. I didn't want them to be out of pocket and I think its only fair. Also on birthdays, christmas etc i would spend more and make it a real treat.
If you offer and they no at least your conscious is clear.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 07/08/2023 14:22

GreenMonstersParty · 07/08/2023 14:18

I think its very kind for your parents & MIL to do this for you & will mean you save a lot of money (at least £50 a day plus a lot more in some parts of the country).

I'm not sure if you should pay them, but they shouldn't be out of pocket for doing it for you.

So this means that you should cover the costs of them having your baby by providing babies food, nappies etc as well as some money towards activities they take your baby too (some will be free others will be chargeable), some money occasionally for them to get a cup of tea & a slice of cake whilst out with your baby etc.

About £20 a week should be fine, plus treating them occasionally too.

£20 a week?! Where do you live? Jaysus.

Remembering39862 · 07/08/2023 14:22

My parents paid my grandparents to look after me before/after school and during school holidays (20 plus years ago). They would have done it for free, but my parents wanted to compensate them for things related to my care like fuel and snacks - and to make sure other family members didn’t start getting resentful for the level of childcare!

As a result of spending so much time with them, we had a really great relationship, plus they had a little extra money to supplement their pensions - to this day I think the whole situation was a win win.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2023 14:23

You should pay generously for all expenses while they are looking after your child.

However, I do advise you to seriously consider sending your child to a registered childminder or a nursery for 1 day (or two half-days) per week. So if your mum or MIL are unwell or on holiday, you will have an alternative childcare option already set up, as nurseries especially can sometimes offer extra days when needed. You will be able to use tax free childcare, or the childcare element of UC if eligible, to help with the cost of a registered childminder or nursery.

I think 1 day a week is more than enough to ask of each of them, better for it to be a manageable commitment than it becoming too much.

RoseRows · 07/08/2023 14:23

I offered my mum money but she refused. I did however provide a car seat, play pen, toys and a stair gate. I drop off food for the baby at the start of the week and always include some wine and treats for my mum too. I also leave her cash for any days out/paid for groups. I’ve been back at work since March and it’s working well so far but I am conscious that she is doing us a huge favour and that looking after a toddler is hard work so I always double check she’s OK with everything.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/08/2023 14:24

If they're babysitting for free - they do what they want and it's a favour to you. Within reason mumsnet will tell you you don't get a say because if you want a say you pay for childcare. What will happen if they want to take holidays etc? My friend had an issue that her MIL insisted she wanted to watch child 3 days a week because she couldn't stand the thought of the toddler in a nursery. But she had holidays etc left, right and centre and didn't tell them until the week before. Basically she thought my friend should stay at home with toddler like she did and was intentionally sabotaging her job. They had to rush to try get emergency childcare and set up a long term plan. MIL doesn't look after toddler anymore. I'm not saying either will do this but you need a plan for if they decide to do other things.

If you do pay - it blurs lines between grandparent and paid childcare. This can lead to its own issues. I can see why you'd want to pay, especially if they're taking the grandchild out on trips etc then you're paying for the entry and treats etc, like you say, money probably spent on the child anyway! But equally if you're saying stop giving child so many sweets and they're saying its grandparents job to spoil their grandchild and you come to an issue where you're paying them but they're grandparents ... it's tricky.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 14:25

@GreenMonstersParty
£20 a week?! 😂

I think the suggestion of the annual pass was a good idea, but pay it for the grandparents and the child. Otherwise, the grandparents might feel obliged to take the child to an expensive place every week on the grounds that they have a free pass for the child, but their own passes would have to come from their own pocket.

Maybe enough to cover a few activities, nappies, food and a little treat at the end. Much cheaper than childcare but lets the grandparents feel appreciated and not out of pocket as well

Loverofchips · 07/08/2023 14:26

Yes definitely offer, in fact assume you are paying and discuss what they think is reasonable. They will be giving up a lot of time for this. Hopefully you are leaving your baby with them because you think they will do a great job not because they're cheap. Offering to pay shows you respect them and balue what they will be doing

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/08/2023 14:27

NameChange30 · 07/08/2023 14:23

You should pay generously for all expenses while they are looking after your child.

However, I do advise you to seriously consider sending your child to a registered childminder or a nursery for 1 day (or two half-days) per week. So if your mum or MIL are unwell or on holiday, you will have an alternative childcare option already set up, as nurseries especially can sometimes offer extra days when needed. You will be able to use tax free childcare, or the childcare element of UC if eligible, to help with the cost of a registered childminder or nursery.

I think 1 day a week is more than enough to ask of each of them, better for it to be a manageable commitment than it becoming too much.

Personally 1 day a week isn't really enough to settle a child into childcare like that. Most nurseries would be very opposed to 1 day a week children for that reason.

boomboom109283 · 07/08/2023 14:27

I personally would be cautious of agreeing anything until you have let the dust settle and see how it goes. Three days a week is very possibly too much for them. I would wait it out. My mil was going to have mine two days a week but it was clearly too much so we ended up doing three days nursery one with her. It sounds lovely but when it’s week in week out the novelty goes. I think you should be a bit cautious.

yesterdayisgone · 07/08/2023 14:27

I’d pay them
the novelty of looking after a grandchild would wear off pretty soon .
I’ve told my adult children that I won’t be minding grandchildren when they come along .

IShouldBeSleeping · 07/08/2023 14:27

My parents effectively retired early to move closer and help out with childcare. We paid for a fair amount of their living expenses while they were providing childcare, and due to stop paying this year as their pensions are fully available. They will still be providing some childcare for our second child ongoing and we’ll make sure they have funds for food and activities but we won’t be paying near nursery fees as we have the last few years. Everyone’s situation is different, as is the level of support and childcare provided. It’s up to you and your parents what the financial situation is, and if you feel you should be paying them don’t let other people put you off.

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 07/08/2023 14:29

Mine don’t accept money, to be fair neither of them need it so I understand why they refuse, I just set each of them up with a wine subscription and they get a mixed box every month.

hiredandsqueak · 07/08/2023 14:30

I provide childcare for dgs, dd doesn't pay me and I wouldn't accept payment. I am very happy to receive the odd bunch of flowers though that dd buys as a thank you.

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 07/08/2023 14:31

I think it totally depends on your relative financial situations, how keen they are to look after your LB and if they are giving up any paid employment or hobbies to accommodate. Often Grandparents offer to look after kids specifically to save the parents money and they are happy to do it. In other situations they are doing it because they have been asked and they have to give up other things in order to do it. I don't think there is a right answer here. Given your instinct is to offer I would do that and see what they say - my Mum would refuse (and has done when I have tried to give her money in the past) and adores looking after my LB. In fact I think she'd give me money if she thought she'd get to look after him more 😂

RedPony1 · 07/08/2023 14:33

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 14:00

I certainly wouldn’t pay them 🤷‍♀️ They’re grandparents, they should want to look after their grandchild and yes, I would judge any grandparent harshly who accepted any money.

If they didn’t want to do it without being paid then that’s fine, I’d rather pay for professional childcare.

And i'm now judging you "harshly" for this comment.

The token amounts offered probably cover snacks, eating out, activities.
Not all grandparents can afford to do all that for their grandchildren. And it's a lot cheaper than nursery!

It's not a Grandparents job to provide free childcare, contrary to MN belief. My parents are extremely busy so would never be regular childcare - they've done their child rearing days!

Elsiebear90 · 07/08/2023 14:35

We are TTC and my mum has offered to reduce her hours at work to look after our baby 2-3 days a week, she has made it clear she would expect some kind of payment for doing so as she will losing money. I think that’s only fair, but like you OP reactions from friends and other family members are leaving me a
feeling a bit weird about it. I’ve had so many people who are outraged that she would ask for money.