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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
MimiGC · 07/08/2023 15:28

If they don't accept payment and you really are saving hundreds a month on paid child care, then I would set up a special savings account and once every six months or a year, pay for nice holiday for them.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 15:28

I also forgot to mention that my DM is doing 3 days a week and my MIL will do the odd couple of days a month. MIL wants to have him but she’s 65 and doesn’t want to commit to a full time thing which is understandable!
So technically my mum will be doing say 12 ish days a month, she will be missing out on all her clubs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 15:31

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck I’m happy to hear all opinions which is why I posted on AIBU so I respect your answers

OP posts:
saveforthat · 07/08/2023 15:35

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 14:09

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck maybe she offered because she is a nice person and doesn’t want to take advantage of them.

This. Why do some people assume grandparents should provide free child care? Of course she wouldn't expect equivalent to nursery fees but something yes.

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 15:37

@saveforthat Yes just because I have had a child and happy to sacrifice my time for him doesn’t mean I should expect my DM and MIL to sacrifice their life and hobbies for my DS. Luckily they are happy too but I will be offering

OP posts:
saltrocking · 07/08/2023 15:38

I'm a grandmother and I'd never accept the money. But my dd does book me a nice weekend away each year to say thanks. She comes with me. It's a lovely gesture

babbscrabbs · 07/08/2023 15:40

My DSIS paid my parents something like £20 a day. It meant everyone felt a bit more comfortable about issuing and following rules regarding the children and there was no issue over paying for days out, food etc. But she still saved about £100 per day compared to nursery!

MariaVT65 · 07/08/2023 15:42

We don’t have local family but I have a question - if you paid your parents for childcare, other than just expenses, might there be a risk of things getting awkward if you end up being unhappy with the care they are giving?

Original poster
Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 15:44

@MariaVT65 This is not something I’ve thought about but I guess it can happen. As a ftm I’m not really sure.

OP posts:
Purpleboat · 07/08/2023 15:44

I don’t think there is a right or wrong in these situations. When my DC were small a few years ago my mum looked after them three days a week (separately as oldest was in school when DC2 arrived). I really appreciated it, my mum enjoyed it and financially my parents are very comfortable so they did not expect anything. I always made sure money was in the bag to pay for any activities, sometimes mum paid or sometimes she used the money I sent. I always sent nappies, wipes, snacks etc. I offered to pay for food but mum was happy to feed them for me. As a thank you I’ve treat mum to breaks away, a spa and afternoon tea. All of which she says she appreciates but were not necessary.
On the other hand my mum is currently looking after DB’s child. Usually 4-5 days depending on brother’s shift. I know mum is finding it a bit tiring as it’s early drop offs and late pick ups. DB doesn’t provide cash for anything or any supplies at all. There is a lack of appreciation and DSIL has made veiled comments of how grateful mum is to be able to look after their DC.
I guess in my situation they didn’t need or want money, but appreciation was key. How would your family want you to show appreciation? Then just do that.

thaisweetchill · 07/08/2023 15:46

My mom has my DA when I went back to work 4 days a week, she had him for the full 4 days which then dropped to 3 days when I sent him to nursery one day a week (my choice as I wanted him to have some interaction with children his age, she would have rather he stayed with her).

I have always offered money but she always declines, they have the closest bond and she loves having him. She's actually getting upset he'll be starting school next month.

I think it depends on a few things, if you're close with them I'm sure they won't take any money but from reading some relationships on here it now doesn't surprise me what some parents/in laws do.

I would offer the money and if they take you up on it it'll be much cheaper than a nursery. If they don't, happy days for you.

thaisweetchill · 07/08/2023 15:46

thaisweetchill · 07/08/2023 15:46

My mom has my DA when I went back to work 4 days a week, she had him for the full 4 days which then dropped to 3 days when I sent him to nursery one day a week (my choice as I wanted him to have some interaction with children his age, she would have rather he stayed with her).

I have always offered money but she always declines, they have the closest bond and she loves having him. She's actually getting upset he'll be starting school next month.

I think it depends on a few things, if you're close with them I'm sure they won't take any money but from reading some relationships on here it now doesn't surprise me what some parents/in laws do.

I would offer the money and if they take you up on it it'll be much cheaper than a nursery. If they don't, happy days for you.

DS*

NoodleQueen90 · 07/08/2023 15:48

I'm currently pregnant (Due Dec) so won't actually be going back to work after mat leave until Jan 2025 but the current plan is to return 4 days. My Mum retired from her full time job 3 years ago but does a bit of cleaning 3 days a week because her pension only covers the absolute essentials.
She has volunteered to look after the baby (1yo by the time I go back) 4 days a week but I really think this is a lot. I was thinking 2 days with her and 2 with a childminder would be a happy medium but we'll see how it works out nearer the time. Either way, she would be giving up some/all of her cleaning to look after my baby so I plan to pay her what she would be losing from that. It's guaranteed to be less than a childminder would charge and I trust her much more than I would any non family member no matter what their credentials are so to me, it's more than worth it.
I think if the GP are loaded and decline the money then it's also fine not to pay but I think I would still offer something, even if just to cover expenses of travelling to you and some money that they might spend taking the DC out for the day etc.

mondaytosunday · 07/08/2023 15:52

My friend has been minding her granddaughter ever since she was about ten months (she's 9 now) she for one and a half days the other grandmother one day a week. Obviously the child is in school but she will pick up and give her tea. On summer breaks/half term she has her all day. She doesn't get paid.
If it was several days a week then I think I'd pay something - it's a lot of work for someone likely to be in their 60s or 70s.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/08/2023 16:01

I think it depends on a few things, if you're close with them I'm sure they won't take any money but from reading some relationships on here it now doesn't surprise me what some parents/in laws do.
@thaisweetchill

Not everyone can afford to provide 4 full days of childcare (including activities, food etc) for free, and they shouldn't be shamed into thinking the relationship isn't "close" because they'd accept the money. Not everyone can be that privileged

caramac04 · 07/08/2023 17:42

My DD’s cover expenses and we are generally in agreement with rules and boundaries. I’m very lucky to spend time with dgc but it can be hard work at times. I also have them if they’re poorly and off school which nurseries don’t.
As I said, I don’t get paid but I’d accept some if it was affordable.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2023 18:20

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 15:28

I also forgot to mention that my DM is doing 3 days a week and my MIL will do the odd couple of days a month. MIL wants to have him but she’s 65 and doesn’t want to commit to a full time thing which is understandable!
So technically my mum will be doing say 12 ish days a month, she will be missing out on all her clubs.

So your Mum is 55 and not in paid work; she must be financially comfortable (is your Dad in the picture, if so does he work and pay all the bills?). If she is well off she might decline but it still makes sense to offer and I agree with PPs about covering expenses.

i definitely think 3 days a week is too much though and you will need a back up plan for when she is unwell or on holiday. I suppose you and your partner will have to take time off work; paid or unpaid. Maybe look into childminders and nurseries just in case your mum decides it's too much.

crazeekat · 07/08/2023 19:37

my
mum is semi retired and looks after my daughter after school for me twice a week average, mostly once a week for 2 hours. i give her £100 direct into her bank. it's a pittance to what i would be for a childminder. why wouldn't i pay her?? she doesn't want paid but why would i not help her? she's now on a lower income with a work pension, no state pension yet. £100 will provide her petrol for the month, or money to put away for a wee trip or something. grandparents help us workers, why not be appreciated with money, every little helps with this COL.

crazeekat · 07/08/2023 19:39

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 14:06

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck First child, not sure what the etiquette is or if people offer or not. I think I just feel that because they have their own lives, looking after my DS for 3 days a week (which by the way they can’t wait to do) I just felt like I should offer a bit of money. I wasn’t sure if it was taking advantage free childcare x

go and see how much a childminder would be and then ask yourself if a small token would be reasonable.

rfr · 07/08/2023 20:00

Mine took slightly early retirement to help out. I offered to pay, which they turned down, but I have restated the offer with each kid because they look after 3 kids for me 3 days a week - it's a lot!! They turned down payment so I offered to do a weekly food shop for them as they also feed the kids there. I also covered the accommodation on a family beach holiday as an extra thank you.

I know they just want to spend time with their grandkids, but it's a big commitment and I don't want them out of pocket because of it.

There are other nice things you could offer as others have said though - spa days, food shops, dinner out together etc. just to let them know you appreciate it!

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 23:49

saveforthat · 07/08/2023 15:35

This. Why do some people assume grandparents should provide free child care? Of course she wouldn't expect equivalent to nursery fees but something yes.

Show quote history

I didn’t say that. I was very clear when I said grandparents are not obliged to look after their grandchildren.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 23:54

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2023 15:21

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck do you expect them to pay for a cot, high chair, car seat too?

Do you use grandparents for childcare?

Both my parents and my in-laws have always bought whatever they thought we might need when we or our children were staying with them, and of course they were pre approved by us (ERF only seats, safe sleeping space items etc), because as loving grandparents they were excited to do so.

We don’t really need childcare as we are able to work around it, but all grandparents have offered an open invitation for when it is necessary and none of them would ever expect to be paid.

If they saw my children as a financial transaction they wouldn’t be seeing them again.

Kabbalah · 07/08/2023 23:59

My parents are still in full time employment.

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 00:15

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck I assume they also had the money. However, why would you not pay for child seats that grandparents need to use, that’s not seeing your child as a financial transaction that is just being an adult and paying for your own child.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 08/08/2023 05:31

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 00:15

@DaisyAndDonaldDuck I assume they also had the money. However, why would you not pay for child seats that grandparents need to use, that’s not seeing your child as a financial transaction that is just being an adult and paying for your own child.

Because they wanted to buy them 🤷‍♀️

If they had wanted to buy an unsuitable seat/didn’t want to shell out for an ERF seat then I absolutely would have done because that is non-negotiable for me.

But they wanted to provide for their grandchildren so why would I stop them?