Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

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How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

Yes, I had this. After I divorced him I never had to walk behind someone again. It's rude and disrespectful.
And OP - meant kindly; your post is very difficult to read without any paragraphs or breaks.
I thought, who else walks away from me in my 35 year life? The answer was no-one, I didn't stay friends with unkind people.
🍀

It is inconsiderate and actually, when you think about it, it’s a bit weird. Constantly walking off ahead, how bizarre. His motives are hard to fathom from your post, but you know him, could he be ND or is he very superior or just more generally thoughtless?

Yanbu.
He knows what he's doing. And to be role modelling this to your kids.
What an arse.

It never occurred to me this behaviour was likely attached to a personality trait but im seeing a fair few posts about walking ahead. When together isnt really 'together' at all, whats the point?

Thanks for the format comment. Ive never used this forum before (or anything like it, im a pretty private person usually) and im pretty upset so it just came out as it came out. Thanks

My son does this when he is angry and upset he is mimicking his fathers abuse but doesn't remember it I don't bother to try to keep up he knows where we are going he checks im still behind him and hesitates long enough when I'm not his dad never did those things

My god this is why I’m single

Yes there are definitely some behaviours that chime with NPD, especially lack of empathy and no filter at all - i just hadnt associated this specific behaviour with it til now.

I couldnt imagine going ahead knowing that it meant another member of the family missing out on that moment. Why would i even?

He'll often say 'that wouldnt upset me at all' or 'i wouldnt care' in a way that undermines others' feelings. A difficult path to tread with teenagers - i dont want them thinking these kinds of behaviours are healthy or productive and so modelling them. If i ever challenge it with DH by saying how an action has made me feel, they already view it as 'arguing'

It depends on the broader picture, really. My father is a fast walker and tends to hyper focus on the “objective” as it were, so he often got ahead. It’s part of his type A personality and probably also has something to do with ADHD, since he and I are very alike and I have it. A bit inconsiderate of course, but he’d always double back when he realized he’d left people behind. I’m also a fast walker and have had to learn to be more aware when I’m with people because otherwise my focus is on where I’m going and I don’t realize people are struggling to keep up.

If yours is deliberately leaving you behind even though you call to him or ask him to stop then yeah, he’s probably just a douche.

Just stop at a bench or where you can lean on something and wait. Don't start moving again until they come back and walk WITH you. Every time they walk away, stop again. Or, walk in another direction, but make sure you have the tickets, money etc.

Warn them in advance that unless they walk WITH you, this will happen.

Oh how horrible. I am sorry. My dad did this to my mum and me and my brother would gallop between him and her. I thought it was great fun and my mum was "slow".

I see now how unpleasant it was for her. My partner is a fast walker but when we're together we hold hands and keep pace.

It doesn't matter if it wouldn't upset HIM, it's upsetting YOU and he shouldn't be ignoring that - regardless of whether he's neurodiverse or not, I'm sick of seeing that trotted out as an excuse for grown men behaving badly.

I had an awful exh who did this. Even when we went and did Pen Y Fan and the Sugar Loaf etc. He'd put music in his ears and fuck off on his own. I'd feel very rejected.

I'm also a fast walker, I have to force myself to stick to other people's paces when going for walks. I do that because I want to spend time and chat to the people I'm walking with. Your H is being a dick!

Horribly disrespectful. Know what you mean about experiencing it together. What an ass he is.

You are not being unreasonable.

It is things like this, where you request a different behavior because it bothers you, and it is stated by him that since it is not a Big Deal to him, it should not be a Big Deal to you, that lead to unhappiness, as it demonstrates that your feelings do not matter, and no change of behavior will be forthcoming.

There was a very good article written by an ex husband entitled something like "my wife divorced me because I wouldn't put my cup in the sink". Which sounds crazy, but he explained that he ended up divorced because he refused to change his behavior in lots of little ways because he didn't think he should have to, because after all, what's the big deal if he doesn't put his cup in the sink? But she felt that every time she found a cup not in the sink that it demonstrated his indifference to her feelings.

Found the article.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Maybe you should turn around and walk in the opposite direction next time. He obviously gets his kicks from you desperately chasing after him. Really nasty trait.

Oh my, this sounds like how I trained my dog to walk nicely!

My dad is like this and my sister.
Now I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, I can see that my dad probably has it too.
He cannot help but walk miles in front. I remember his previous partner being furious about it. My DH used to (affectionately I hope!) refer to me as Turbo.
When you have ADHD you feel as though you are being powered by a motor and it’s quite beyond your control.
Does your DH seem in a rush in everything his does? Does he get easily overwhelmed by his feelings of impatience?

He could listen to you and try to rail against his natural state (if he does have ADHD) to show you respect but if it is ADHD he will struggle with this.

I've got ADHD and tend to walk fast but ADHD doesn't make you an inconsiderate prick which OPs DH is being, saying 'I wouldn't care' when she raises how much it bothers her. It's really hard to control behaviour with ADHD but you can have empathy for those around you too, I don't like the implication that ADHD makes you do what you like and you couldn't give a shit afterwards about how it effects others.

It's very hard to constantly walk at less than your normal walking speed. Painful even. Neither is it fun to always be the one trailing behind.

There's room for compromise here but neither of you seem the type to want to compromise.

My DH can walk off like this. I take a number of actions:
call him out on being rude
hold hands and keep to my pace
slow down or change direction
have the money/ tickets myself so he can’t get in without me

he often keeps to my pace once infront of me so I double down on the being rude part

I agree actually. I’m naturally a fast walker, I make the effort to slow down, but then the other person seems to slow down even further. I hate dawdling.

Maybe just different people. Compromise is the answer, not one always matching the other.

Ex would do this, and no YANBU.

He would also finish his food or drink quickly, then get up to leave when I still had 20% left - even after I'd pointed out he did it, and how rude it was to rush me like that, he kept doing it.

As to the idea that it's hard/painful to walk slower than your normal speed - I've managed it for a good 13 years with one child of another, no pain (well except from bending over to hold their hand when they're really small). It's just rude, to not walk together if you're doing something together.

He sounds like a knob tbh; it’s just polite to walk at the same speed as whoever you’re with if they’re slower - I’m a slower walker and my dh can walk quicker than me but he doesn’t; he walks at my pace- stops if I want to and finds a bench. He cares more about me than trying to break some land walker speed record 🙄🤣

Unless you have a mobility issue, walking with a dawdler is v irritating. Add in crowds and people getting in my way and I'm not going to find any part of that fun.

My DH does tend to do this a bit, and if we are walking side by side tends to walk me into lampposts and gutters too.

As he is pretty close to perfect in all other ways I just work around it. I’ll say « is this a race? » and « did you mean to wipe me off on that signpost? » and he will be more considerate for a few days. But he wouldn’t have done the race to the landmark - that sounds a bit extreme.

I now tell him I can’t go on long walks with him so he loses out there… he would love me to still go on hikes with him but I’ve explained the situation many times and he’s now accepted it.