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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
Backstreets · 07/08/2023 08:01

I’m going to go against the grain here and say, nicely, get a grip

Are you a man?

StarPotential · 07/08/2023 08:02

My exh used to do this. It was a particular problem on holidays when we would be going out for the day. Like a pp, he would also not wait for me to finish a meal or drink as he’d be off when he wanted.

I should have known as the first time I ever met his mother the three of us went on a long walk and he walked ahead the whole time leaving me with his mother and she apologised for her ‘rude’ son.

StarPotential · 07/08/2023 08:04

I can honestly say that if I ever met someone else (not likely but whatever) I would NEVER go out with someone who walked ahead and acted like they didn’t care (because they don’t.)

saraclara · 07/08/2023 08:04

I have a friend who did this. Just strode ahead and not even look back occasionally to check that I was still there. He didn't get it either, when I got angry, but over the years he's got a bit better.
He'll still disappear without telling me though. Go and look at something without letting me know, then I'm the one who can't find him and has to go looking.

It's a lack of empathy and thought for others, in a specific kind of way. He's not a bad person, but he just doesn't seem to naturally have that 'how will what I'm about to do affect someone else?' thing.

JusthereforXmas · 07/08/2023 08:05

I'm disabled so do walk slow and have to keep stopping, DH sometime gets ahead due to just being able to walk normal. Its not all the time but theres some days where I swear he just seems in a rush even though we are going nowhere (like just walking from the shop to the car in an un-timed car park etc...)

If he keeps doing it and is irritating me I just interlock arms with him... then he can't 'wander off' at speed without physically dragging me which he can't do.

Defiantjazz · 07/08/2023 08:05

I walk quickly (due to anxiety not narcissism). I would find it difficult to walk slower tbh.

It may be your husband doesn’t really worry about shared experiences so much and so doesn’t understand/care about your concerns. Thoughtless but not necessarily malicious.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 08:05

but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour)

No, it’s not to be expected if you’ve brought them up correctly.

This is all very dramatic over them seeing something a few seconds before you 🙄

sassyduck · 07/08/2023 08:07

YANBU. He's being very disrespectful towards you.

Defiantjazz · 07/08/2023 08:08

I wonder how these fast walkers manage when they have small children. Surely they walk slower then?

I don’t have children

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:08

WellPlaced · 07/08/2023 06:19

So many posters not getting the point of this thread and why the op is upset.

It was missing out on that special family moment that’s upsetting. Not the walking.
Rude posters accusing her of ‘dawdling’.

He could have stopped and waited.

I don't get this "missing out on a special family monent' issue at all. It's a tourist attraction of some sort. I'm sure it's worth seeing but this is OTT

Pipsquiggle · 07/08/2023 08:08

My then BF now DH used to do this when we first got together. Walking fast / in front of me and also suddenly crossing roads without telling me

I had to make a big issue out of it and let him know how rude it was, he just didn't realise as no one had told him before.

You need to talk with him and separately your DC about being mindful of other people because ultimately it's selfish behaviour.

You will need to keep hammering this home, it's unlikely he will just adopt new behaviour after years of doing this

You need to nip this in the bud with your DC, liken it to toilet training.

He sounds like a competitive, always having to be first which is deeply unappealing.

MrsCarson · 07/08/2023 08:08

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/08/2023 02:12

Just stop at a bench or where you can lean on something and wait. Don't start moving again until they come back and walk WITH you. Every time they walk away, stop again. Or, walk in another direction, but make sure you have the tickets, money etc.

Warn them in advance that unless they walk WITH you, this will happen.

I think this is a great idea. They rush off you go slower and stop and rest. They'll have to keep doubling back

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/08/2023 08:09

I don't buy the 'It hurts to walk more slowly than your natural pace'. At all. I think it's just an excuse. I walk reasonably fast, but more slowly than my husband's natural walking pace. He slows down a bit when he's walking with me, and will sometimes say 'Am I going a bit fast?' and slow down. When you have small children you walk more slowly to match their pace. It's not hard, it's not uncomfortable and it doesn't hurt.

Pipsquiggle · 07/08/2023 08:09

*like a competitive dad

Alargeoneplease89 · 07/08/2023 08:09

I think its rude, my DH walks much faster then me because I have mobility issues and he always walks with me even though I can tell its killing him walking so slow as he normally walks fast.

You have talked to him about it and he still doesn't acknowledge your emotions, I would just go with the kids in future and be adamant that you aren't going with him.

Honestly think I would buy him some reins or a dog leash and pull him back until he's learnt how to walk normally 😂

pollykitty · 07/08/2023 08:10

Rude. I’m a slow walker due to a physical issue and sometimes people just walk ahead of me without realizing they are leaving me behind. That doesn’t bother me but if I say something and they refuse to slow down, I get angry. It is rude and self-absorbed. The attitude of ‘why should we have to slow down’ just irks me so much. Ok so basically what you’re saying is why should you consider another person???!!

JusthereforXmas · 07/08/2023 08:10

I will say when we do go places I often start walking before the others though. Not because I'm racing to beat them but because I know due to my disability I'll take longer to get there. They usually catch up (and overtake) as soon as they start walking. I pretty much never get anywhere 'first'.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:10

Backstreets · 07/08/2023 08:01

I’m going to go against the grain here and say, nicely, get a grip

Are you a man?

I'm a woman and I agree. Here's a grip.

Oysterbabe · 07/08/2023 08:10

The not letting you finish a drink thing, my ex did this. He used to stand up to go before I was finished, I'd try and rush to finish and he'd roll his eyes and say things like 'you don't have to drink every drop, we aren't students' and just generally make me feel stupid. Looking back, negging was definitely something he did a lot.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/08/2023 08:11

I think this is a great idea. They rush off you go slower and stop and rest. They'll have to keep doubling back.

Except you shouldn't need to use training methods to condition your husband into not being an inconsiderate arse.

vdbfamily · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think there are 2 things here and everyone is focussing on the walking. The shared moment is a specific thing that some personality types feel is important and some do not. I have discovered that my own family unit plus extended family on both sides are largely neuro diverse so that may be why I don't get this. I am often puzzled on MN by the rage about 1st birthdays and ' firsts' generally. In laws buying expensive prams and first bicycles and causing rage. Drama about first and second birthday parties that the child will never remember and now this thread.
You were 60 seconds behind. Presumably if this was a wonder if the world, it was not something you look at for one minute and then leave. Did you not spend some time there together. Could you not gauge from the kids what they thought of it. It's it possible that you bring so pissed off had now ruined what should have been a special day for everyone.
Some people are just not emotional/ romantic about such things.
If you had had a discussion with DH before the walk and said how important it was for all 4 of you to reach the actual landmark together, then I agree he should take your needs into consideration if he cares, but I would not assume he would know how important it was as for some it really would not be an issue.

Cosyblankets · 07/08/2023 08:12

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 08:05

but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour)

No, it’s not to be expected if you’ve brought them up correctly.

This is all very dramatic over them seeing something a few seconds before you 🙄

I agree.
Was your point in going to look at the place of interest or to look at your kids faces as they arrived?
I honestly have found this thread a little bizarre. Imagine if it was the other way round..... we went as a family to a place of interest, the kids and I arrived and my wife was about 5 minutes behind, she does speed walking so it's not like she can't keep up. She said she was really looking forward to going but she didn't even walk with us. Don't think I'll bother next time, she clearly didn't want to be with us.

Just showing a different perspective

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think there's a big difference between being physically unable to walk any quicker and dawdling - only OP knows which category she falls under.

I find dawdlers incredibly frustrating - they remind me a bit of stroppy toddlers or petulant teenagers who don't want to be there, or who are being deliberately slow to try and get attention or prove a point.

Being physically unable to walk quicker is very different and doesn't annoy me in the slightest.

TitoMojito · 07/08/2023 08:12

I knew a man like this and yes, he was a narcissistic dickhead. It's totally disrespectful behaviour.

RedHelenB · 07/08/2023 08:13

Yabu and precious. You all saw the monument, you all can talk about it together, have photod together. Mountain out of a molehill.