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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 07/08/2023 08:34

My dad is my height (tall) so we are fast walkers.

But now he is 75 and has a walker. When we go out to say cinema you bet I walk slowly-or fast but round in circles to keep with him if I find myself walking normal pace.

As I am not a dick and don't want to leave him behind on his own.

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:35

Cassidyscircus · 07/08/2023 08:32

My exp used to do this particularly on holidays. I used to wait a beat then hide 😂 nip into shop doorways, crouch behind a sun lounger etc. It drove him nuts .

I think it shows an enormous lack of chivalry to leave ones wife and small child behind

😂 love it! It’s their entitlement at expecting you to just follow on behind them like a dog too. So rude.

backoffbuster · 07/08/2023 08:35

I think making it all about a ‘together moment’ like some sort of Disneyland advert, can feel like a lot of pressure for some people. I know as a child I used to feel pressure to ‘perform’ at these moments, so that it met my mothers expectations.

Truemilk · 07/08/2023 08:36

Quite shocked at the responses on this one. No wonder so many people get divorced

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 07/08/2023 08:36

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:33

So if you took your elderly mother to somewhere like Niagara Falls, and you’d seen the falls before and she hadn’t, you’d have no thoughts about wanting to share the experience with her, but instead see nothing wrong with storming off ahead of her? And if she told you that she wanted you to stay with her so you could see them together, you’d be annoyed?
I highly doubt it.

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Exactly this. Storming off ahead of someone because you CBA to wait for them, just shows you really don't give a shit about them. Sorry but it does......

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 07/08/2023 08:37

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:35

😂 love it! It’s their entitlement at expecting you to just follow on behind them like a dog too. So rude.

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Disgusting isn't it? I'd walk off somewher else tbh.

floribunda18 · 07/08/2023 08:37

DH walks really fast. I am fit (much fitter than him) and well and able to keep up but have to jog to match his stride length. I've always had to remind him to slow down - particularly on holiday. Stroll, see things properly, don't be so impatient - don't go through life as if you are late for work.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:38

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:33

So if you took your elderly mother to somewhere like Niagara Falls, and you’d seen the falls before and she hadn’t, you’d have no thoughts about wanting to share the experience with her, but instead see nothing wrong with storming off ahead of her? And if she told you that she wanted you to stay with her so you could see them together, you’d be annoyed?
I highly doubt it.

Show quote history

I can't imagine my now deceased mother making a big fuss of seeing it for the first time at the exact same second as me. If I were to go to Niagara Falls with my son or my husband I can't imagine making a big fuss about us all seeing together at the exact second.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 08:38

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 07/08/2023 06:56

But why should the pace be set by the person who walks like a snail? Why can the fucking irritating person who walks v slowly not move a tad quicker to save everyone else from pootling along?? The op said the activity was to see something - why can't you just crack on, see it, then get on with your day? It is entirely possible that the slow walker is the rude one, holding up everyone else.

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Did you miss the bit about the OP being a speed walker. She's not dawdling, walking v slowly, pootling on or any of the made up criticisms. She's walking at a fast but normal pace. The 'D'H is speeding off.

If you go and see something wonderful you don't just crack on and get on with your day. That IS your day.

Can you not say something to the children OP. Say to them that you want to enjoy seeing the wondrous place with them. Point out that it's rude to leave people behind. He's going to look a bit of an idiot standing there on his own, while his family arrive together.

I do think it is likely to be a pointed gesture if he shows other narcissistic traits. It's like my STBXH who would often turn up to holidays late or other similar actions to prove to you that you're not important.

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:39

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:38

I can't imagine my now deceased mother making a big fuss of seeing it for the first time at the exact same second as me. If I were to go to Niagara Falls with my son or my husband I can't imagine making a big fuss about us all seeing together at the exact second.

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So you’d have happily walked ahead of your mum, leaving her on her own? Wow.

Cityzen74 · 07/08/2023 08:40

Sorry this has happened. I think it is very disrespectful to consistently walk ahead and leave you behind. My DH sometimes does this too so I can empathise with you. Flowers for you

NeverMrsAgain · 07/08/2023 08:41

vdbfamily · 07/08/2023 08:12

I think there are 2 things here and everyone is focussing on the walking. The shared moment is a specific thing that some personality types feel is important and some do not. I have discovered that my own family unit plus extended family on both sides are largely neuro diverse so that may be why I don't get this. I am often puzzled on MN by the rage about 1st birthdays and ' firsts' generally. In laws buying expensive prams and first bicycles and causing rage. Drama about first and second birthday parties that the child will never remember and now this thread.
You were 60 seconds behind. Presumably if this was a wonder if the world, it was not something you look at for one minute and then leave. Did you not spend some time there together. Could you not gauge from the kids what they thought of it. It's it possible that you bring so pissed off had now ruined what should have been a special day for everyone.
Some people are just not emotional/ romantic about such things.
If you had had a discussion with DH before the walk and said how important it was for all 4 of you to reach the actual landmark together, then I agree he should take your needs into consideration if he cares, but I would not assume he would know how important it was as for some it really would not be an issue.

It’s about the fact that he is married to her, surely knows this is important to her, but didn’t give a shit and was dismissive of her objections.

Good relationships are built on accommodating things they are important to your partner ( or friend) even if you can’t really ‘get’ why they are important.

And most people realise that if an ‘experience’ has been arranged as a family, you experience it together, you walk together to it. See it together. It’s a bit gaslight-ish to be all ‘ so we walked off leaving you alone, what’s the problem, you are here now aren’t you?’

And OP organized it. It’s just respectful and appreciative of that to walk with her and talk with her and not just speed off to experience it himself, in his own way. There’s is something horribly taking for granted of her about that.

The husband doesn’t give a shit about OPs perspective. And a relationship where one person thinks that about the other is always going to be miserable.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 08:41

backoffbuster · 07/08/2023 08:35

I think making it all about a ‘together moment’ like some sort of Disneyland advert, can feel like a lot of pressure for some people. I know as a child I used to feel pressure to ‘perform’ at these moments, so that it met my mothers expectations.

It's not about you and your mother though. The OP isn't expecting a Disney moment, she just wants to enjoy her holiday with her family.

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 08:41

Unfair of her DH to steal that initial moment and their reaction from the OP.

And here we have it. Competitive parenting. Photos for FB. Curated memories. Just like all the rage on MN at birthdays being 'stolen' by grandparents offering a better gift or making a cake and stealing control from parents who have swallowed the message that they should commodify and curate and control every experience.

This isn't a healthy way of thinking. Life isn't a tick box. You don't become a good parent by racking up and documenting magic moments. Magic moments can't be guaranteed. I wonder whether the OP's children will remember their visit to the Grand Canyon (or wherever it is they've visited) for mum and dad having yet another row about how fast dad walks and not for the natural wonder in front of them.

user1471538283 · 07/08/2023 08:42

My ex used to do this towards the end and I think it was a clear sign that he thought I was beneath him in the pecking order or didn't want to be seen with me or used it as punishment to try and keep me in my place. I saw it as contempt.

This is one of many things that tipped it for me. I had never in my life before trailed behind someone like a second class citizen.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:44

There are 2 issues here. One is husband apparently consistently walking off ahead of OP. The other is the OP's overly dramatic "special family moment is ruined"

If OP and husband are out for a country walk or city sight seeing then clearly part of that is walking together, having a conversation. Walking off without her in that situation is rude.

Here the point was to see whatever it was they were going to see. The fixation on the shared family moment being ruined/ missing out on seeing their faces to the exclusion of the fact that they all saw whatever it was is OTT.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/08/2023 08:45

If he was a fast walker and forgot you weren’t, that would be more forgivable, but it sounds like he’s doing it on purpose, which is nasty, like you’re some inferior servant that tags along behind him while he masterfully strides out.

I’m not sure if you can change him but I’d try to stop your DC following his behaviour.

You could try to subtly slow down your DH by removing items signifying being in charge, eg if he always matches ahead of you to the car keys in hand, make sure you look after the car keys so if he does walk ahead he’ll have to wait for you. Pretend you’ve forgotten something and ask him to return to the car to look for it while you walk on. Hold his hand so he has to walk with you. Misdirect him so you can get to the entrance before he does, etc etc.

NeverMrsAgain · 07/08/2023 08:46

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:38

I can't imagine my now deceased mother making a big fuss of seeing it for the first time at the exact same second as me. If I were to go to Niagara Falls with my son or my husband I can't imagine making a big fuss about us all seeing together at the exact second.

Show quote history

But it’s not about you or what you would think. Being in a Relationship is about accommodating what’s important to the other person.

Or are you seriously saying the H was correct to , on principle, walk ahead of her ( and a minute ahead is quite a lot) rather than thinking ‘ Wife has arranged all this, I know doing it together is important to her, so I’ll walk and chat with her’.

Roozkitty · 07/08/2023 08:46

Everyone saying that OP is a speed walker - no she's not, she's a "regular speed" walker, not the same thing !

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 08:46

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 08:41

Unfair of her DH to steal that initial moment and their reaction from the OP.

And here we have it. Competitive parenting. Photos for FB. Curated memories. Just like all the rage on MN at birthdays being 'stolen' by grandparents offering a better gift or making a cake and stealing control from parents who have swallowed the message that they should commodify and curate and control every experience.

This isn't a healthy way of thinking. Life isn't a tick box. You don't become a good parent by racking up and documenting magic moments. Magic moments can't be guaranteed. I wonder whether the OP's children will remember their visit to the Grand Canyon (or wherever it is they've visited) for mum and dad having yet another row about how fast dad walks and not for the natural wonder in front of them.

The point is that he could walk a bit slower. The OP couldn't match his pace. You're making a load of stuff up about the OP.

This isn't about curating memories it's about thoughtfulness and respect.

And making it about the OP ruining the moment because she's caused a row is just the kind of gaslighting shit the 'D'H is likely to come up with.

I bet the OP an awful lot of money he didn't used to do this when they first met. So it's not that he can't walk slightly slower he just chooses not to.

FloweryWowery · 07/08/2023 08:47

I don't think walking speed is really the issue here. OP, your DH is controlling and joyless. He doesn't consider your feelings or allow you to challenge him. Your DC are copying his behaviour.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 08:48

Roozkitty · 07/08/2023 08:46

Everyone saying that OP is a speed walker - no she's not, she's a "regular speed" walker, not the same thing !

You're right. I misread that. But it also doesn't suggest she dawdles or pootles along either.

NeverMrsAgain · 07/08/2023 08:48

FloweryWowery · 07/08/2023 08:47

I don't think walking speed is really the issue here. OP, your DH is controlling and joyless. He doesn't consider your feelings or allow you to challenge him. Your DC are copying his behaviour.

This. And concisely put too.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:49

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:39

So you’d have happily walked ahead of your mum, leaving her on her own? Wow.

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Oh honestly grow up. I have been on a holiday with my husband which involved lots of walking to get to specific tourist views and I've told him to go on ahead, I'll see him at the top.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:51

NeverMrsAgain · 07/08/2023 08:46

But it’s not about you or what you would think. Being in a Relationship is about accommodating what’s important to the other person.

Or are you seriously saying the H was correct to , on principle, walk ahead of her ( and a minute ahead is quite a lot) rather than thinking ‘ Wife has arranged all this, I know doing it together is important to her, so I’ll walk and chat with her’.

Show quote history

That's not what OP is complaining about - it's not the fact he didn't walk and chat with her. She's complaining about her special Disney moment being spoiled.

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