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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 09/08/2023 16:50

It's also less safe to split the group.

MsRosley · 09/08/2023 19:45

3luckystars · 08/08/2023 22:41

Here is what I think anyway, it’s not about walking speeds or holidays, it’s about being ignored and being left behind by people who mean so much to you.

you would never be so rude to them and that’s why it hurts

He is mean and ignores you. You know it. This proves it. Now your children are mimicking him. No wonder you are upset.

I’m sorry he did this to you so unnecessary, it was a small ask and he won’t even admit what he did was cruel. That’s the worst bit.

it’s really happening, your feelings are real and justified.

I think this is spot on.

1967buglet · 09/08/2023 19:53

DH did this when we were first together, and when he saw it was making me upset, he folds his arms and walks, or puts his arms behind him to slow down and walk at my pace. It is possible to walk together and YANBU whatsever. I call him rocket trainers if he is going too fast, and he gets it.

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 09/08/2023 21:30

Thanks @OhComeOnFFS - what are the odds!!

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/08/2023 22:40

Poodleydoodley · 09/08/2023 08:17

Gosh this! I went on a weekend away with a chap I liked. We went walking in the lakes. He charged ahead continuously. Would then wait (eventually) for me to catch up and then immediately zoom off again. He couldn’t understand why I was annoyed to spend pretty much the whole walk on my own!
He was fine the rest of the time but couldn’t grasp the idea of not charging off up hills!

That was almost the worst bit with my exh. As soon as I’d caught up, and was ready to stop for a rest, off he’d zoom again. Having had a nice rest!

Mari9999 · 10/08/2023 00:50

@Gotthetshirt1
You experience him as walking too fast He experiences you as walking too slow. It is possible to do both of those things. You are irritated because he does not wait for you. He probably finds it annoying that you walk too slow to keep up with him, but it does sound as though he is not gripping about your not keeping up with him.
You sound as though you blame him. From your description it sounds as though he just accepts the differences in your pace and lets him be him and you be you.

I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate without acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him.

He too might think that a loving partner would keep pace with him. Isn't that what you want from him? It is consideration when you want it but it is insensitivity and lack of consideration for him to want the something.

If neither of you have physically limiting mobility issues, A compromise might begin with trying to decide what is a pace that works for both of you, or decide that whoever reaches the destination first will simply and quietly wait for the other.

It might help if you both accepted the fact neither pace is a virtue nor a sin. The speed at which you each walk is simply one of many attributes and it does not make either of you more sensitive or caring than the other. What you call a sprint, he may see as a crawl, and what he views as normal you may view as bulldozing.
This may just be one of those things upon which you 2 may never agree

What you can agree upon is the impact that you are going to let this issue have on your relationship.

If this is a deal breaker for you, you have your answer.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 10/08/2023 09:56

"I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate wihout acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him."

...in which case, he should have married a tall, strong, long-legged man. Does it not occur to you that to keep pace with him, the OP may be forced to run? Walking together is supposed to be a companiable experience. If he wants to walk at his normal super-fast pace, he can do that while out on his own.

Perhaps we should get rid of all disabled toilets as well, so that the disabled can just pull themselves together and become able-bodied, strong and flexible, to fit in with the rest of us?

Jacesmum1977 · 10/08/2023 15:39

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

Hi OP.
Firstly, I’m sorry you are upset.
What alarms me the most about your situation is how your husband is quick to blow off how you feel. Just because it wouldn’t bother him doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be bothered also. You are individual people and it’s doubtful you both ‘feel’ the same way about all things. You are bothered and he should take that into account. Does he do that to you often? If so, it’s not good behaviour at all and is actually toxic.

If you’re only 60 seconds behind then there no reason really for him to not wait for you so you could experience xxxx at the same time. I think it’s pigheadedness on his part.

What does he do for you that makes you feel good?
I would write it all down and weight up if the relationship is worth it.
I know you’ve got kids but you should live your life without having to be treated as though you’re feelings are not valid.
It’s not a healthy place to be.

sending love x

eastegg · 10/08/2023 16:44

Mari9999 · 10/08/2023 00:50

@Gotthetshirt1
You experience him as walking too fast He experiences you as walking too slow. It is possible to do both of those things. You are irritated because he does not wait for you. He probably finds it annoying that you walk too slow to keep up with him, but it does sound as though he is not gripping about your not keeping up with him.
You sound as though you blame him. From your description it sounds as though he just accepts the differences in your pace and lets him be him and you be you.

I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate without acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him.

He too might think that a loving partner would keep pace with him. Isn't that what you want from him? It is consideration when you want it but it is insensitivity and lack of consideration for him to want the something.

If neither of you have physically limiting mobility issues, A compromise might begin with trying to decide what is a pace that works for both of you, or decide that whoever reaches the destination first will simply and quietly wait for the other.

It might help if you both accepted the fact neither pace is a virtue nor a sin. The speed at which you each walk is simply one of many attributes and it does not make either of you more sensitive or caring than the other. What you call a sprint, he may see as a crawl, and what he views as normal you may view as bulldozing.
This may just be one of those things upon which you 2 may never agree

What you can agree upon is the impact that you are going to let this issue have on your relationship.

If this is a deal breaker for you, you have your answer.

He just accepts the differences in your pace

What a very odd way of describing someone who marches off too fast for the other person. Your whole post is, imo, full of fanciful nonsense which distorts the facts as stated in the OP.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 10/08/2023 18:36

@eastegg quite. That whole post is weird IMHO. For one thing, it misses the bit where she asked him to wait for her just before the point where they should've been together, he turned & looked at her, said nothing & charged on without her. A pig is a pig, there's no dressing it up to make it six of one & half a dozen of the other.

It's not that he 'accepts the difference in [her] pace'. It's that he doesn't give a flying fart about her, as long as he gets where he wants to go as quickly as possible. He may even be enjoying her discomfort.

And it's interesting that a fellow-sufferer upthread says that when the positions are reversed & she's ahead of the man, he describes that as her storming off. As ever, men like this can dish it out but they can't take it.

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 10/08/2023 19:09

You experience him as walking too fast He experiences you as walking too slow. It is possible to do both of those things. You are irritated because he does not wait for you. He probably finds it annoying that you walk too slow to keep up with him, but it does sound as though he is not gripping about your not keeping up with him.
You sound as though you blame him. From your description it sounds as though he just accepts the differences in your pace and lets him be him and you be you.

I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate without acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him.

He too might think that a loving partner would keep pace with him. Isn't that what you want from him? It is consideration when you want it but it is insensitivity and lack of consideration for him to want the something.

If neither of you have physically limiting mobility issues, A compromise might begin with trying to decide what is a pace that works for both of you, or decide that whoever reaches the destination first will simply and quietly wait for the other.

It might help if you both accepted the fact neither pace is a virtue nor a sin. The speed at which you each walk is simply one of many attributes and it does not make either of you more sensitive or caring than the other. What you call a sprint, he may see as a crawl, and what he views as normal you may view as bulldozing.
This may just be one of those things upon which you 2 may never agree

What you can agree upon is the impact that you are going to let this issue have on your relationship.

If this is a deal breaker for you, you have your answer.

@Mari9999 what i "experienced" is him sodding off knowing i cant walk at that pace - most people cant - and leaving me behind even though i called ahead. Not sure what version of what happened you have in mind, but this isnt a case of 'he said, she said'. What happened happened. Why the hell would i have posted otherwise? Honestly the idea that "a loving partner would keep up with him" is gaslighting garbage. How? By riding alongside on a bike?? The guy ignored me, disregarded me, disrepected me, knowing id be hurt by it. There was no "compromising" i could possibly have done in this situation - unless you mean just let him treat me like a piece of dirt & not be offended or upset by that? Ill be honest Ive been appalled by some of the takes in here which have completely ignored what actually happened and made me out to be the inconsiderate partner here. Hopefully your partners get more consideration than your replies suggest.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 10/08/2023 19:55

Yeah, I have to agree with OP that your post was a sack of sanctimonious horseshit, @Mari9999

Mari9999 · 10/08/2023 23:10

@Gotthetshirt1
You have found validation, and yet your situation remains unchanged. So that places the ball in your court. Accept that he is not going to change, and it is your boundary rather than his that has been violated. Do what you must to make your life better.

aloris · 11/08/2023 00:08

Some odd responses here. Generally it's more likely that the faster partner can slow down, than that the slower partner can speed up. I think it's odious to tell someone who is already walking as fast as she can that she should somehow "compromise" by going faster. How? By magic? People on here can be really strange.

I think it is extremely rude to walk ahead of one's spouse like that. In my opinion, men who do this come off as jerks who probably treat their wife like dirt at home. It's like their need to prove that their spouse is inadequate by being slower, disabled, whatever, is more important to them than sharing the experience or ensuring their spouse also has a nice time. Why do you go to see one of the seven wonders? Just to see it? You can do that on the internet.

eastegg · 11/08/2023 08:13

I’m not sure which I prefer, ‘sanctimonious horseshit’ or ‘gaslighting garbage’. Both excellent descriptions of Mari9999’s nonsense. And what’s all this ‘your boundary rather his’ supposed to mean? Still sounds like you’re saying OP’s the one with the issue? Of course it’s her boundary, what on earth are you getting at?

ellyeth · 11/08/2023 13:38

I get this too. I like to walk at a good pace but I just can't keep up with him. I think it is unkind and rude, particularly because, when we are with his family/friends (who walk incredibly, and annoyingly, slowly), he dawdles along with them.

Done2much · 12/08/2023 13:43

what does he do if you take his hand and walk beside him?

SaponificationQueen · 15/08/2023 07:23

WhoPutThatThere · 14/08/2023 20:49

Have you seen this @Gotthetshirt1 ? Sounds like what you’re talking about https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJpaaFqB/

Wow. That was really powerful! Thanks for sharing it.

WellPlaced · 15/08/2023 09:28

SaponificationQueen · 15/08/2023 07:23

Wow. That was really powerful! Thanks for sharing it.

Show quote history

It is

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 16/08/2023 01:12

No i hadnt @WhoPutThatThere - resonates completely. Thanks for sharing

OP posts:
balzamico · 19/08/2023 17:26

WhoPutThatThere · 14/08/2023 20:49

Have you seen this @Gotthetshirt1 ? Sounds like what you’re talking about https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJpaaFqB/

Thanks for sharing that, very thought provoking as it's been an issue for me throughout my (26 year!) marriage that is either getting worse or I'm getting more annoyed by

librarian55 · 28/08/2023 16:51

My ex did this all the time. One time we (me, my ex and 2 DDs) were leaving the house together. I stopped to lock the door behind us and when I turned around I saw my ex disappearing round the corner with 2 DDs trailing behind like a parade (they were very young at the time). I unlocked the door and went back into the house until they came back for me (about 5 minutes later). Told him off for being rude and inconsiderate, sadly it didn't cure him, but it did stop my DDs from being so rude.